A

Hey, welcome to the All Pro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and today we have a big question to start us off with. What are some things that dads should stop saying to their kids? And what should we say instead? In this episode, we talk about common phrases that dads say that shut their kids down more than they realize. Why kids hear our words differently than we may intend. And simple language shifts that protect connection and confidence and trust. I'm joined today by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and we're building on a conversation that we started way back in, episode 117, with more real life moments and phrases that dads use every day. If you've ever walked away from a conversation with your kid, wishing you could rewind and say it differently, this episode is for you. Let's get into it. All right, guys, here's our big question. What are some things that dads should say to their kids? And what are some things that dads should not say?

B

There are kids I'll never forget. I. So with all pur. Dad, I do a lot of writing, and there was. I was working on an article and had writer's block, which is the worst if you've ever kind of dealt with that. And I came home after a long day of staring at the computer and writing stuff and erasing it. Writing it and erasing it. And my wife said, how was your day? And I said, I've got writer's block. And she said, well, what are you writing about? And I said, I'm writing an article about things dads say that crush their sons. And my son, who's actually here today and observing, he was playing video games. And without even looking back at us, he goes, ha, I could write that one for you. And so I just sort of was like, okay. I'm like, what do you got? Kind of thinking, I'm pretty awesome dad. I don't think I've ever said anything to you that's really hurt you. And he started to go through a litany of things, and some of it, in my defense, were things that he needed to hear but didn't want to.

A

Bobby And I'll be the judge.

C

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

B

But there were plenty of other things that I just sort of said thoughtlessly. And, you know, by the end, I had more than enough things that I could write.

C

Sounds like you should be thanking him.

B

Yeah, well, I wrote the article in basically an hour the next morning, which is not long at all. Sometimes articles take me a while. But, yeah, he basically wrote the entire thing for me. So I think this is a good thing to kind of where I just sort of was going through. I was just sort of going through life thinking, oh, I speak well to my kids. I don't really say anything off to them or, you know, but this is a thing that I think every dad should take a minute and kind of stop and go, okay, what are the things that. What are the things that we're saying that we need to stop that. That kind of crush our kids?

A

It's got to be in the top two most important things because it just imprints on their brain, doesn't it? You know, and I may have shared this on the podcast before, but my daughter said to me when she got a little older, she said, when I was struggling in high school, and I would. Being what I think you thought was too dramatic, that there were several times that you would say, you know, I just can't do this anymore, and walk out. And she goes. And that made me feel like a burden. And of all the messages in the world I wanted her to hear, it certainly was not. She was a burden. So words, there's so many of them, and they're so powerful.

B

Right. Well, I think a good place to start is, okay, what. What are the things that, you know, let's start with what we shouldn't say. What are those phrases? And I. One of the first ones that I can think of is, why can't you be more like one of your other siblings? Or why can't you be more like this person? Like, I get it, our kids are different and they have different struggles, and you're just sort of thinking, oh my gosh, why? It's so much easier with this kid over here. Like, I get it. But these kinds of comments, there's nothing positive about it. There's nothing good that comes out of it. All it does is it's a toxic remark that it communicates to our kids that they don't measure up to somebody else. Even little things like, boy, you're, you know, your sister didn't struggle with this. Even, even that is a very subtle.

A

Or.

B

Or, you know, your. Your brother got this quickly, like, so never. Why can't you be more like your. Your brother and sister? Why can't you. Why can't you ace this like your. Like your brother did? Why can't you aces like your sister did? We have to treat all of our kids like, with complete focus on them and who they are, right? No comparison game, no comparison. So little comments like, why can't you do well in school? Like your brother. Why can't you. Why. Why didn't you make this team like your. Like your brother? You know, he never struggled in this way. We need to treat each of our kids almost like when we're. When we're dealing with their struggles, even their disobedience, we need to treat them like their siblings don't exist. You know, that we need to completely focus in on them. And so the good thing is, the. The good thing that we can say is, okay, what. What do we need to do to help you to kind of do better here?

A

What.

B

What do we need to do to. To kind of help you get a better handle on this? What do we need to do to, you know, help with some of your behavior? You're going off, you're doing this. Never a comparison.

C

Yeah, I like that one. I also think that one of the things that dad should stop saying is, I don't have time right now. And that might be true. I've said this or a variation of this many times. Maybe you don't have time right now to do something. In fact, yesterday my daughter came up and said, can we play this game? And I was in the middle of working. I had, like, 20 minutes left of work, and I was like, all right, no, I can't do this right now. There's a difference between, hey, give me 20 minutes and I'll come back, versus I can't do this right now. Like you mentioned, I just can't do this. I don't have time. It communicates to your kid that there's something that you care about more than them. And that may not be true, but that's how they internalize it, or there's something I'd rather be doing, which is a crusher for our kids. I know that for us, we have a kind of a nightly routine now, and I don't love that it's fallen into this pattern. But my two younger kids will go, put them to bed, and every single night, they're like, oh, can you tell us a story? Like, after they've already been up 30 extra minutes past bedtime? Like, okay, well, you should have asked me an hour ago instead of, like, now. Now we're stalling. But I feel like in their little brain, what they're hearing is, I don't have time to do that for you right now, or, I'd rather go do something else and tell you a story. This is a tricky balance. I understand that bedtime matters, and there's other things in life that are important, but if we Start saying this too many times. I don't have time right now. Our kids are gonna think we just don't wanna hang out with them or that there's stuff that we like more than them.

B

Yeah, well. And I like what you said. The explanation and the follow through. I don't want dads to listen to this and kind thing. Well, every time your kid comes to you, you need to drop everything. Sometimes that's just not practical, you know, so. So there are times when it's like, hey, I really need to get this done. Give me 10 minutes, give me 20 minutes and then we'll do it. I think the important thing is to follow through. I'll never forget a mentor of mine telling me that he was spending time with a, A friend of his family and their son came up and asked him to play ping pong and he said, oh, I can do it in five minutes. And passed. And his friend's wife came up to him and said, you need to go play ping pong with my son. You said five minutes and it's been five minutes. And I want my husband's, I want my kids to know that his husband's friends are going to back up what they say.

A

Yeah.

B

And I've never forgotten that. And so I'm sure there have been plenty of times where I've told my kids, like, hey, give me five minutes. And I haven't done it. But I've really tried to make a concerted effort to. When I say five minutes, I. It's, it's almost best to set a timer. Like if you tell your kids, hey, 10 minutes and we'll do this, set a 10 minute timer because that's something that it'll communicate. You are important to me. What you said is important to me. And our time together is important.

A

So good.

C

Yeah, it's good.

A

I don't always tell my kids. It's like I want to be just with you, not half with work and half with you. Want to be all with you. Let me, I'll do this and then I'm all yours. And so I think it was just how we set it up with them going, oh, you're way more important than this. I got to do this terrible thing so I can get to go do this good thing. And I meant it. Yeah. Like I would way better. I would way rather be with them than doing this job.

C

Yeah.

A

Including this one. Just kidding. Another thing we've got to be really careful to say to our kids is I don't, I don't think you can do it because we see things and we go, we really do think. I don't think you can do this. You know, my daughter, she wanted to be in the. In the school talent show, and she wanted to do a baton. And we're like, I don't think that's a good idea. Have you seen yourself with a baton? And we ask our friends, she's down the road a little bit with her kids, and she said, you let that girl twirl that. Her heart out with this thing. And so, of course, Nancy worked with her.

B

She crushed it.

A

She crushed. In fact, there's a grandma in front of us who said, now that was good, as opposed to all the other things we had just witnessed. So I think we can. We just need to get behind them and say, you know, hey, this may not be easy for you, and there's going to be some obstacles, but I'm here for you right now, and I'm cheering you on. And that's the thing that we could say to them instead. Like, again, this may not be easy, but I'm going to be right here with you, tearing you on. So let me know. And I know we don't want to give our kids fault, so we don't. But we've got to encourage them in their goals, for sure. We got to be that voice.

B

Well, that's the thing, is there's that part of it which is like, you can't do this, where we shut something down, but then we can almost go to the opposite extreme. One of the phrases I really don't like is if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. I just got to tell you, I wanted to play the guitar, and I bought a guitar, and I practiced four hours a day, every day for a year. And I'm not even kidding. Like, four hours a day I practice. And at the end of that year, I came to the conclusion that I'm horrible at the guitar. Like, I put my mind to it and couldn't do it. Like, if I put my mind towards playing in the NBA, I just can't. I don't have it.

A

Right.

B

So we can give our kids this false promise of you can do anything.

A

Right?

B

And. But the reality is, is that they've been given certain abilities, certain talents, certain gifting, and that. That doesn't mean they can do everything.

A

No.

B

Anything.

A

Nancy calls that an American idol parent. Yeah. She goes, I don't want to be one of those because you told your kid they could sing. They've been singing since they were you Know, six months, but not good.

B

Yeah.

A

You've not been singing good since you're. You've just been singing, so. Yeah, I think, you know, if you can do anything you put your mind to.

B

Yeah.

A

No, you can't.

B

So, like, instead of. Instead of the. You can do anything and the. You can't do it, it's the go for it, you know, or even I believe in you.

A

Yeah.

B

Look, I don't know if you're gonna. I don't know if you're gonna achieve this thing, but I believe in you. Go for it.

C

Yeah.

B

You may even learn something. You may fail. You might learn something from failure. So, you know, or you might do it. You could do it. So. But I'd love to see you try. Go. You know, I'd love to see you try. That's good. Okay, here's another one. You're such a disappointment. I'll never forget it. I think I told this story in another podcast, but I was working as a chaplain for a football team, and they always had a senior retreat, and they would get up and talk, and this senior, big defensive lineman guy, total studio, got up and started crying about a time when his dad said to him that you're such a disappointment. It's a heavy. That kind of label is a heavy thing for a kid to carry, and it's a hard thing for them to shake. So we need to be very careful with those types of. And you can sub in disappointment, but anything you are such a. Is a. Is a tough thing for them. And so I kind of the distinction of. I think it's probably okay to kind of say, hey, this is disappointing, or this great. Great is disappointing. I. I think we might even be able to do better than that. Like, that can kind of be, you know, putting expectations on our kids. I think kind of the. Probably the best way to kind of go about it is, okay, listen, we need to work on this because here's what's going to happen if you continue in this way. Here's what's going to happen if you continue to get grades the way that you're. Your, Your. Your options are going to be limited. And you want to. And what can we do here to kind of get better at this? Hey, your behavior, the, the disobedience or the, you know, maybe the, hey, the disrespect that you're showing. This is ultimately what it's going to lead to. It's going to break down relationships. It's going to hurt our relationship. And so, so, so laying out kind of, hey, this is why we can't allow this to continue is, I think, a better route than. And we can be very easily flippant and kind of throw out.

A

Right.

B

We got to be careful with the way that we react. So it's like, oh, so disappointing, you know, and. And then all of a sudden, that kid is carrying that thing around. And you can be firm. Like, I'm not saying, you know, your kid's disrespectful, your kid's doing this and that he. He or she does something out of line, crosses a boundary. You can be very firm, like, hey, this is unacceptable. And here's why. Without putting a label on them.

A

Right. We would try to say with not 100% success, but one of the things we would say is, hey, this doesn't seem like you. This. This isn't you. Let's talk about this. And even in frustration, because this does not seem like you at all. Even you. You know, that frustrated tone was like, oh, you are so fantastic. Don't you hear me? And so that was one we got a lot of mileage out of.

C

Yeah. One of the very first episodes we ever did, years and years ago, was about labels and how they're not just, like, sticky notes that you can peel off. They're like tattoos on kids. And if you were to call to get a disappointment that doesn't come off, that sticks with them for years and years. I think another harmful thing that we say, maybe not exactly these words, but some variation, is don't be such a wimp. This is a crusher for boys especially, because boys, when they hear this, they're like, oh, I guess I don't have what it takes to be a man or to be enough or all that sort of stuff. It's really big damaging messaging for them when you are labeled a wimp or you're just called not good enough in some way. And I do this, but I don't use the word wimp. It's just not in my vocabulary. But I will say something similar to this. When my son whines a lot of. Or he's bothered by something, I'm like, just. Just toughen up, dude. Like, be fine. In fact, he plays youth hockey. And so, you know, hockey in general, like, tough guys will kind of let it slip out sometimes. Aren't you a hockey player? Like, that sort of thing is, like, damaging, too, because there's this idea that, like, you shouldn't have to act a certain way. You should be tough and just get over things because you're a big old hockey player. Right. That's not a really good thing for me to be doing. Maybe, maybe you haven't said wimp. Maybe you haven't said be tough. Maybe you've said hey, don't cry about that. Maybe that's something that's come out of your mouth. It's basically the same thing. So as a dad we got to limit those things. They all land the same way in your kids ears and it just tells them, you know, you're less than in some way.

A

So important. One of the things that I think we've got to be so careful of too is just labels and we can be so frustrated and we say things like, you know, you're an idiot or

B

like even in a joking way.

A

Yeah, even in a joking way or going are you kidding me right now? You're an idiot. Or just those things that go going you're never going to measure up or you're never going to figure this out or you always act like this and just those things that just label them and it gets hardwired and we said this a couple times but it gets hardwired into how they see themselves.

C

It's tricky too. You mentioned like even in a joking way you might mean it in a joking way but that doesn't mean they know you're joking. So you're, you might be thinking it's just a light hearted thing. If they don't take it as a lighthearted thing then you've done severe damage to your child. Because they think that dad really truly believes I'm just not smart or I'm not enough. That's joking is a dangerous thing for dads to do sometimes.

B

Oh yeah, yeah. And I have done that. I had a friend who, his father said to him at one point when he was I think a teenager, something like that, the dad was trying to compliment his work ethic and for some reason said well you're not that intelligent but you're a hard worker and it's a backhanded. Yeah. And that stayed with him, you know, that's still with him, you know.

C

Yeah.

B

30 years later. That's, that's that kind of, he's still kind of carrying that feeling of I don't measure, I'm not, I'm not as smart as everybody else. Like he's still kind of carrying that. So these little things like that we, that sometimes feel like throwaway comments to us really stay. So another, another thing I think that we need to be careful about saying is, is you can't do anything right or why can't you do anything right? Kind of an exasperated, you know, our kids do wrong things. And by the way, I just, I. I think we need to accept the fact that. That when we have kids. And if I could go back in time, this is what I would tell myself when my kids were born. Your kids. Be prepared every single day for your kids to mess up. Like, if you just go into the day, kind of like, hey, our kids are gonna fall short. I mean, that's what it is. Like my mom said, they just got here, and so they're new to life, they're new to this place, they're new to earth, and they're trying to figure it out. But coming back to that, you can't do anything right. It's not that you just messed up this one thing is that you always mess up everything. And so it's setting them up for. This is kind of who you are. This is what you do. This is your norm is messing things up. And it's always dangerous to paint our kid with any brush using the words always, never, everything, anything. We need to be very careful anytime we use those words, every time we use those words.

C

Perfect. Lastly, for me, I think anything that's tied to an achievement. Why didn't you hit. Fill in the blank. Achievement. Why didn't you get straight A's? Why didn't you make the team? Why aren't you first chair violin, whatever. Why didn't you hit this? Basically, the kid is going to hear nothing I do is good enough. Dad's disappointed because I didn't hit some expectation that maybe I didn't even know about. You know, why didn't you do more? Kids are being asked to do, do, do by a lot of people they shouldn't be asked to do, do, do by dad. Your achievements, their achievements, and whatever they achieve in life, whatever they hit, whatever grades, whatever, you know, accolades is not really a reflection on you. When we make it about us and we start saying things like, why didn't you hit this? You've turned it into you. And it's not supposed to be about us. They're going to feel bad enough about not make getting the lead in the play or, you know, not getting the job they applied for or not getting into the college or whatever, they're gonna feel bad enough about it. When you pour vinegar in that wound, do you think that's gonna help? No. So we need to stop with that instead. I know you've talked about this a lot, Ted, like, just sit with A minute. I'm sure they're disappointed they didn't make the varsity team. Hey, buddy, I'm sorry. That stinks. You know, what do you want to do today? Let's go hang out. You know, that's the better approach, I think, for the dad that wants to try to fix it. You know, maybe they won't say this, but we can do this accidentally and. And even do it in a way that we're trying to encourage them or just find out a solution so we can. We can make the team next time. It's not as helpful as you think.

B

Well, and some of that, like, I think some of that is tone, you know, like, it's very different to kind of go, why didn't you make the team? Or why didn't, you know, why did you get a circle? And, oh, no, what happened? Like, that's a totally different kind of, I'm sitting with you in this or. But yeah, to have them explain out their failure to try to get your approval, they're going to pick up on that immediately, and it's going to be brutal.

A

Yeah. You know, sitting here thinking about this. For dads that are listening and they're brand new to this.

C

Yeah.

A

Going, this is what I heard growing up my whole life. This was the thing that kept me moving forward in this really clunky, insecure way. And so I don't think dads have bad hearts. I think we can have bad habits. And so I think if we've got the habit of saying these things, we gotta really. We gotta really be careful, and we gotta go back to them a lot of times. Right. And apologize and to own it. I think one of the things that we need to be careful about saying is nothing. Because sometimes the most painful words are the ones that are never said. You know, I've worked for a long time with families, and I always been surprised how I've had men in their 50s and a couple times in their 60s to say, I would give anything if my dad had said, I'm proud of you.

C

Yeah.

A

So when they're having triumph or pain, we got. We got to step in and say something. So. And that can be difficult for some dads. And if you're a dad and you're thinking, I don't know what to say, or, I'm not great with words. It's just, I'm proud of you. Goes a long way. And I'm sorry you're hurting also goes a long way. And if nothing else, just say, hey, bud, sweetheart, I am here for you no matter what, and I love you so much. And those kind of words when they're hurting and even when they're doing something great are so powerful.

C

Yeah, I feel a little convicted because I've said a lot of these things that we said. Oh, for sure not to say today. And I have to reevaluate a lot of things now.

A

Well, how do we make this practical for all of us? We're going to dive into our pro move of the week, which is, and this is a brave one, this is next level stuff, but it's so key. Ask your kid, have I ever said anything that hurt? You hear their answer and then own it. Which is not easy. Right. But that could be a powerful, powerful conversation. Well, thanks again to Bobby and to bj and hey, if you found this episode helpful, could you send it to a friend? It's how people find the podcast and hopefully it will help them. Like, hopefully that it's helped you. We want to say, as always, thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

B

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Moat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Wolof. Allprodad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program, imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.