Journey 058: Hot and Heavy

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Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 58 of Journey to the West. Last time, the pilgrims arrived in the Kingdom of Women, a place that had never seen a man, but apparently wished for nothing more than a man to come and rule them all. At least, judging by the reaction of their queen when she heard that a monk who was the imperial brother of the Tang Emperor had arrived in her land, her first thought was, hey, I should marry him, let him take over my kingdom, and sire tons of sons and grandsons so there will always be a man to rule this land. Sigh. The superintendent of the government post station that had received the pilgrims now told the queen, your Majesty's idea is a great one for ensuring the kingdom's eternal prosperity. But the Imperial Brother's three disciples are very vicious looking. Well, how does the Imperial Brother look? And how do his disciples look? The queen asked. The Imperial Brother is quite handsome, the superintendent reported. He looks like a man from an elite kingdom, befitting a figure from the central land. But his three disciples look vicious and ugly like demons. Well, in that case, let his disciples take the passport and go to the west on his behalf. The queen said, just have the Imperial Brother stay. Won't that do? All her officials agreed that this was a fabulous idea, but they reminded her, when it comes to marriage, you must have a matchmaker. As the old saying goes, matches are made by fate, signaled by the red leaves. Husbands and wives are bound by the Moon Elder's red cord. The queen agreed, so she designated the Grand Preceptor as the matchmaker and the Superintendent of the post Station as the Master of ceremonies, and she sent the two of them back to the station to propose marriage to San Zang. Back at the station, the pilgrims were enjoying their meal when the attendants informed them that the Superintendent had returned when with the Grand Preceptor. Why has the Grand Preceptor come? San Zang wondered aloud. Maybe the queen extended an invitation to us. Ba Jie speculated. Either that or she's here to propose marriage. Wukong said, but Wukong, what should we do if they refuse to let us go and force us to marry them? Sun Zhang fretted, Master, just placate them and I'll take care of the rest. Wukong told them. Soon the two officials came in and kneeled to San Zang, who quickly returned the gesture and said, I am but a monk. What virtue or talent do I possess to warrant this? The Grand Preceptor sized up San Zang and saw that he was indeed quite handsome. She secretly rejoiced, thinking to herself, what good fortunes for our kingdom. This man does qualify to be our Queen's husband. The two officials now rose, stood to both sides of San Zang, and told him, you, highness, congratulations. I am but a monk. Why are you congratulating me? He asked. The Grand Preceptor bowed and explained, this is the Western Liang Kingdom of Women. We have never had a man in our kingdom, but today your Highness has graced us with your presence. I have come on my Queen's command to propose marriage. Mercy. Mercy. San Zang exclaimed. I came to your honorable land without any children, and only these three obstinate disciples. Whom are you proposing marriage for? The Superintendent said, just now I went to court and reported your arrival. Her Majesty was extremely delighted. She had dreamed last night of a golden screen emanating brilliant colors and a jade mirror radiating light. When she heard that you were a man from an elite kingdom from the central lands, she was willing to use her entire kingdom as dowry and take you as her husband. You would rule this land. Her Majesty is willing to be your queen. So she appointed the Grand Preceptor to be the matchmaker and me to be the master of ceremonies to come propose this marriage. San Zang did not answer and just lowered his head. The Grand Preceptor pressed him. A man must not miss an opportunity when he comes across it. There may be many marriage proposals in the world, but you would be hard pressed to find one that comes with the wealth of an entire kingdom. Please consent quickly so that we can report back. But San Zang just remained silent. Meanwhile, Zhu Bajie pouted and stuck out his snout, calling out, hey, Grand Preceptor, go tell your queen. My master is an Arhat who has long cultivated his ways. He would never desire your kingdom's wealth or her beauty. Tell her to hurry up and stamp the passport so that he can continue west. But I can stay and marry her. How about it? The Grand Preceptor was so scared by that idea that she fell silent. The Superintendent responded, even though you are a man, you, your appearance is too ugly for Her Majesty's taste. Well, that's pretty harsh, but. Bajie chuckled. You need to be more flexible. As they say, coarse and fine willows, all can be made into different things. And men of all appearances each have their own value. Sun Wukong laughed. Hey, Dum Dum, stop your nonsense. We must obey Master's intentions. If we can go, then we go. If we need to stop Then we stop. We. We shouldn't interfere with the matchmaker's job. San Zao now asked Wukong what he thought, and Wukong told him, in my opinion, this is a good place for you. As the old saying goes, a marriage destined across a thousand miles is bound together by a single thread. Where would you find a match as good as this? But if we stay here for the sake of wealth and comfort, then who will go to the west to fetch scriptures? Lamented won't I have failed the Tang Emperor? Then the Grand Preceptor cut in. Your Highness, I dare not withhold this information. Her Majesty's intention is to only propose marriage to you while your three disciples can receive your passport and go to the west and fetch scriptures once they have attended the wedding feast. You're quite right, Wukong told her. We won't make it difficult. We. We're willing to leave our master here to be your queen's husband. Hurry up and give us our passport so we can go west. Once we get the scriptures, we'll stop in on the way back to pay our respects and ask for some travel money for our return journey. The Grand Preceptor and Superintendent were ecstatic, and they bowed to Wukong to thank him for giving the okay. But Zhu Bajie told the Grand Hei Hei, don't make any empty promises. Now, since we have agreed, tell your Queen to arrange a feast for us first and treat us to wine. How about it? Yes, yes, of course. The Grand Preceptor agreed. I will arrange a feast right away. And so the two officials left in joyous spirits and went back to report the good news to the Queen. As soon as they were gone, Sanzang grabbed Wukong and chided him. You crazy monkey. You have ruined me. How can you say such a thing and tell me to stay here and get married while you all go west to see the Buddha? I would rather die than do that. Oh, Master, don't worry. How can I not know your true feelings? But considering where we are and whom we've run into, we had to play along. What do you mean? If you had refused their offer, then they will refuse to give us our passport and we won't be able to leave. And if they're wicked, they might even round up a bunch of people and cut off your flesh and stuff it into perfume bags. We won't come to a good end. We would have to use our demon taming powers. But you know how deadly we can be. If we really show our stuff, we would kill Everyone in this kingdom, even though they might be preventing us from leaving, they aren't demons. They are all humans. And you have always been so compassionate, and you refuse to harm a single soul. You. If we kill so many people, how could you bear it? Wukong, that is good logic. San Zang said. But if the Queen summons me to her palace to conduct the wedding ceremony, how could I consent to losing my purity and damaging the virtues of the Buddhist school? If my true essence were to leak away, I would forfeit the body that I have cultivated through our sacred teachings. Now that you have agreed to the marriage, the Queen will surely follow royal custom and personally leave the city to welcome you. Wukong said, don't refuse her invitation. Just sit in her carriage. Go to the palace and sit down. Ask the Queen to take out her seal. Then summon the three of us to court and ask her to stamp the passport, sign it and give it to us. Then they will hold a banquet to celebrate and to see us off. After the banquet, tell her to prepare the royal carriage again so that you may see the three of us out of the city and then go back to marry her. They will be so happy that they won't suspect a thing or harbor any evil intent. Once the party is outside the city, you get off the carriage. Sha Zeng will be by your side and will help you onto your horse. I will cast a spell to freeze the Queen and all her entourage in place. We will just head west on the main road. After we travel for a day and a night, I will undo the spell so that they will wake up and they can return to their city. This way they don't get hurt and your purity remains intact. This is called escaping the net through a fake marriage. It's the best of both worlds. San Zang felt as though he had just awoken from a dream. Upon hearing Sun Wukong explain his scheme, he was delighted and all his worries melted away. He thanked Wukong profusely and the pilgrims got ready to carry out the plan. Meanwhile, the Grand Preceptor and the Superintendent returned to the palace and told the Queen the good news. She was so thrilled that she got out of her throne, rejoiced, and asked for details. The Grand Preceptor told we went to the post station to see His Highness and conveyed your proposal of marriage. He hesitated, but his senior disciple consented on his behalf, stating that they were willing to leave their master here to be your husband and our King as long as we gave the three disciples the passport and let them head west. To fetch scripture. He even said that when they return after their mission, they will stop in to pay their respects and to ask for travel money. The Queen laughed and asked what San Zang had to say about all this. He said nothing. But he was willing to marry you, the Grand Preceptor said. But his second disciple wanted a banquet first. The Queen immediately commanded the Ministry of Banquets to do their job. Meanwhile, she prepared to personally leave the city to welcome her future husband. The officials snapped to and busied themselves with preparations. Soon an impressive entourage marched out of the city and went to the post station. At the station, attendants informed San Zang and company that the Queen had arrived. The pilgrims quickly tidied up their clothes and went out to welcome her. The Queen dismounted from her carriage and asked which one was the imperial brother of the Tang Emperor and God? Please don't let it be the pig faced one. The Grand Preceptor pointed out, San Zang. The Queen took a close look, saw his uncommonly handsome visage and and basically started to swoon. She opened her cherry like lips and called out, imperial brother, please come share my phoenix carriage. Sun Zang blushed from ear to ear upon that invitation, and he was too embarrassed to look up. Zhu Bajie, however, had no such qualms. In fact, he couldn't stop staring at the Queen and how gorgeous she was. Her eyebrows were like kingfisher feathers and her skin like rich jade. Her face glowed like peach blossoms and her coiffed hair was piled high with golden phoenix ornaments. Her limpid autumn wave eyes radiated enchanting charm, while her slender spring shoot fingers displayed exquisite grace. A crimson shawl made of gauze draped diagonally across her shoulders, shimmering with brilliant color and jeweled hairpins sparkling sparkled with dazzling light. She truly surpassed even the ancient beauties. Her willow waist swayed gently, making her golden pendants chime. Her lotus steps moved lightly as her jade like body glided forward. Even the Moon Goddess could hardly compare. Nor would the celestial maidens of the Ninth Heaven know such beauty. Her palace adornments and elegant style were beyond the ordinary. Indeed, it seemed as though the Queen Mother of the west herself had descended from the jade pool. Dum Dum was so taken with the Queen that he started drooling and his bones went limp as he ogled her. Meanwhile, the Queen approached San Zang, took hold of his arm and said in a delicate imperial brother, please mount my carriage and return to the palace with me and and we shall become husband and wife. Sun Zang trembled so much that he could barely Stand. Seeming as if he were drunk or in a daze, Sun Wukong, standing to one side, chimed in, master, don't stand too much on ceremonies. Please accompany the Queen into the carriage. Let's hurry up and get the passport so the rest of us can go get scriptures. Sun Zang did not dare to respond. Wukong gave him a couple nudges toward the carriage, and Sanzang could not help but shed tears. Oh, Master, don't be worried, Wukong consoled him. Think of all the wealth you are going to enjoy. Well, Sanzang had no choice but to follow his entreaties. He wiped away his tears, collected himself, and approached the carriage hand in hand with the Queen. Watching them mount the carriage together, all the court officials faces broke into huge grins. The entourage returned to the city, followed by the three disciples walking ahead. Zhu Bajie oohed and ahhed at the sight of the palace buildings and kept asking where the celebratory feast was. Some of the officials leading the way got so annoyed at his pestering that they informed the Highness that Long Snout Big Ear monk keeps making a row about the wedding banquet. The Queen sidled up to San Zang and asked him in a low voice, imperial Brother, which of your disciples is that Long Snout Big Ear one? Oh, that's my second disciple, San Zhang replied. He has a huge appetite by nature and is always looking to satisfy his cravings. You must arrange some wine and food for him first before we can proceed. The Queen asked if the Ministry of Banquets was ready, and one of her officials responded, we are ready, and a feast with meat and a vegetarian feast have been prepared in the eastern wing. Why two feasts? The Queen asked. We prepare two just in case the Imperial Brother and his disciples are vegetarians, the official explained. The Queen, pressing her cheek against San Zang's, asked him, imperial brother, do you eat meat or vegetarian? We eat vegetarian, but have not completely given up wine yet. Please give my second disciple a few cups of weak wine. The Grand Preceptor now came over and said, please attend the feast in the east wing. Today is an auspicious day, so we can perform the marriage ceremony tomorrow. We can ask His Highness to ascend his throne and begin his reign. The Queen was delighted, so she held San Zang's hand as they dismounted from the carriage and and entered the gates to the east wing of the palace. They heard the harmonious sound of music and singing and saw two rows of exquisite court ladies in the center of the hall. Two giant spreads had been laid out One meat and one vegetarian. The Queen, holding up a wine cup with her delicate fingers, invited the pilgrims to take their seats. Wukong said, we're all vegetarians. Master, please sit down at the vegetarian feast on the left, and my brothers and I will sit beneath you. Quite right. The Grand Preceptor said happily. Master and disciples are like father and sons. You must not sit shoulder to shoulder. So the maids hurriedly rearranged the seating, and the Queen invited the pilgrims to sit down one by one, offering each a cup of wine. Wukong threw San Zang a look, said, signaling for him to return the gesture. So San Zang got up, picked up a jade cup, and asked the Queen to sit down as well. The rest of the court officials also took their seats, and the party commenced. Zhu Bajie started wolfing down everything in sight while chugging five or six cups of wine, all the while shouting, refill the cups. Bring me large wine goblets. Let's each drink a few more goblets and then go about our own business. What business are you talking about, Brother? Why not just enjoy this great feast? Sha Zeng asked him. Ba Jie laughed and replied, as the ancients said, the bow maker should stick to making bows, and the arrow maker should stick to making arrows. Right now, some of us are getting married and some of us are going to get scriptures. Let's not delay for the sake of drinking. Hurry up and get our passports. As they say, a general doesn't get off his horse, but let's each gallop to our own destiny. Hearing this, the Queen ordered the servants to bring out big goblets, which they promptly did, and filled them to the brim. Everybody chugged the cup. San Zang then got up, pressed his palms together, and said to the Majesty, thank you so much for the wine. We have had enough. Please go to the throne room, issue the travel papers, and send the three of them out of the city while it's still early in the day. The Queen obliged him, Taking San Zang by the hand, she concluded the feast and went to the throne room. There she yielded the throne to San Zang, but he declined, telling her, oh, this won't do. As the Grand Preceptor has said, tomorrow is the proper day for me to take the throne. Today, please give my disciples the passport and send them on their way. The Queen agreed, so she sat back down on her throne and told her servants to set up a golden chair next to her for San Zang to sit in for now. She then asked the disciples to bring forth Their passport. Sun Wukong told Sha Zeng to retrieve the passport from their bundle. He then presented it to the Queen with both hands. The Queen studied it and saw the stamps from the various kingdoms that the pilgrims had passed through on their journey. She examined it some more and then asked Sang with a smile, Imperial Brother, your last name is Chen? My family name was Chen, and my Buddha's name was Xuan Zang. He explained, because the Tang Emperor honored me by claiming me as his imperial brother, he bestowed upon me the last name Tang. Why aren't your disciples names on your passport? She asked. My three obstinate disciples are not citizens of the Tang Kingdom. Well, in that case, why were they willing to follow you on your journey? So Sanzang explained how he had collected each of the three disciples along the way and told the Queen the three of them had each violated the laws of Heaven. The Bodhisattva Guanyin saved them from their suffering and guided them toward the right path so that they may atone for their offenses by protecting me on my journey west to fetch scriptures. Since I took them in during my journey, their names have not been added to the passport yet. How about I add them for you? The Queen asked. I will obey youy Majesty's desire. So she picked up her ink brush and wrote the names of the three disciples on the passport. Then she took out her royal seal and stamped it. She then finished it off by signing the passport as well. All this done, she gave the passport back to the disciples. Hu Kong received it and told Sha Zheng to stash it in their luggage. The Queen then had her servants bring out a tray of loose pieces of gold and silver. She got up from her throne and presented the tray to Sun Wukong, telling him, take this for travel money. May you reach the west soon when you return with scriptures, and I will thank you handsomely. Oh, we are monks, Wukong said. We don't accept money. We must beg for everything on our journey. So the Queen instead offered them 10 bolts of fine fabric so they could make some travel clothes for themselves. But Wukong declined these as well. She then told her servants, bring three stones of rice so that they may cook a meal for themselves on the road. When. When he heard the word rice, Zhu Bajie hurriedly accepted it and packed it into the luggage. Hey, Brother. Wukong teased him, that luggage looks pretty heavy now. Are you strong enough to carry it? Ba Jie laughed and replied, oh, you don't understand. Rice is a commodity that gets used up day by day. This will be gone after one meal, as the disciples thanked the Queen, Sun Zang told her, may I trouble you to accompany me with. While I see the three of them off outside the city, I would like to leave them with some parting instructions for their journey. Then I will return and enjoy an eternity of prosperity with your Majesty without any lingering concerns. The Queen was like, wherever you want, honey bunny. So she instructed her entourage to set out once more. She and Sanzang rode in her carriage side by side and and headed out through the west gate of the city. All across the city, the residents turned out to see the Queen and her soon to be hubby. Soon the entourage had exited the west gate. Sun Wukong, Zhu Bajie and Sha Zeng stood together and shouted to the Majesty, no need to escort us too far. We will take our leave here. At that, Sun Zang climbed off the carriage and told the Queen, your Majesty, please return to your city and allow me to resume my pilgrimage. The Queen was flabbergasted. She clutched San Zang's arm and said, imperial brother, I am offering you my entire kingdom to take you as my husband. Tomorrow you shall ascend the throne and become king, while I willingly become your Queen. We have already drunk the celebratory wine. How can you change your mind now? Zhu Bajie, however, put on his feral hog face, sticking out his snout and flapping his ears as he rushed to the front of the carriage and shouted, we monks have no business playing husband and wife with a powdered skeleton like you. Let my master go at once. The Queen was scared out of her mind by this wild pig, so much so that she fell backward into her carriage. Meanwhile, Sha Zeng hustled San Zang through the crowd and and was just about to help him onto his horse. But suddenly, from the side of the road, a woman came out of seemingly nowhere and shouted, imperial brother, where are you going? I want to have some fun with you, you ignorant hussy. Sha Zeng cursed as he swung his Buddhist staff at her head. But the woman suddenly summoned a wild gale, and with a whoosh, San Zang had vanished without a trace. Ah, crap. All this while, Sun Wukong and Zhu Bajie were preparing to cast a spell to freeze the Queen and her officials. But then they heard the sound of the wind and the panicked cry from Sha Zeng. When they turned around, they saw that their master was nowhere to be found. Who abducted Master Wukong? Asked some woman, Sha Zong replied. She summoned a tornado and swept him away. Hukong quickly soared into the sky and looked all around, he saw a swirl of dust blowing toward the northwest. He quickly shouted to Ba Jie and brothers, hurry up and fly with me to chase after Master. So the other two disciples stashed their luggage on the horse and also soared into the sky. This sight, stunning, stunned the Queen and her officials. The officials fell to their knees and said to the turns out, they're all arhats who can fly. Your Majesty, don't be startled. The Imperial brother truly is a cultivated monk. We were blind and misjudged the men of the Central Kingdom and wasted our energy. Please get back in your carriage and go back to court. At that, the Queen returned to her kingdom, filled with shame at having thrown herself at a monk who by all accounts was not moved in the slightest. Of course, this is the kind of stuff that sparks fan fiction. In basically every TV and movie adaptation that deals with this encounter, the story is changed so that San Zang, despite his purity of mind and purpose, was seriously tempted by the Queen, and it takes all his self control to stay the course. In fact, this is one of the most memorable episodes of the original 1986 TV show. A song from that episode became a hit that remains beloved to this day. In one of the steamier scenes in that episode, the Grand Chancellor led Can Zhang to a part of the palace to view the kingdom's national treasure. Sanzang was surprised to find that he was actually in the Queen's bedchamber as he apologized profusely and and tried to explain that the Chancellor had told me I was just coming to see the national treasure. Honest, the Queen, lying on her bed behind a semi transparent screen, told him, yeah, feast your eyes on the national treasure. And the screen is pulled back, revealing her in the most alluring outfit deemed permissible by Censors on 1980s communist television flashing him computer glances. Good times. But anyway, we've got a bigger problem at the moment than unfaithful adaptations of classical works of literature for popular entertainment. Sun Zang was presently missing, the victim of an abduction by what seemed like a female demon who was looking for some good times. To see where she absconded with him, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening, Sam.