Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch - Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Summary7 min read

Podcast Summary: Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Episode: Conan Unboxes “Toy Story” Merch

Release Date: July 16, 2026
Host: Conan O’Brien
Co-hosts: Sona Movsesian, David
Notable Appearances: Matt Gourley, Trevor Noah (brief cameo)

Main Theme

In this playful, self-deprecating episode, Conan O’Brien and his team celebrate and roast the release of Toy Story 5, exploring the wild world of movie merchandising. Conan—who voices the new character "Smarty Pants," a techy potty-training toy—gets his first close look at the extensive range of related merchandise, riffing on his celebrity status, his lack of merchandising profits, and the surreal experience of becoming a toy himself. The entire crew dives into the absurdity, nostalgia, and pure marketing excess of the Smarty Pants phenomenon, all while lampooning both Pixar and themselves.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Toy Story 5 & "Smarty Pants" Mania

The episode opens with David and Sona introducing a special segment: unboxing Smart Pants merchandise, inspired by Conan’s character in Toy Story 5.
Conan pokes fun at his own ego, the movie’s hype, and his outsized presence:

“It seems like everyone on Earth has seen it three times already.” (03:33)
“Something is sweeping through the country right now which can only be called Smarty Pants Mania.” (02:07)

2. Character Deep Dive: The Origin of Smarty Pants

Conan details the character:
- Smarty Pants: A first-tier tech toy, designed as a potty-training device, resembling a roll of toilet paper, complete with “number one” and “number two” buttons.
- Conan jokes about only agreeing to do animation when it involved toilet training.
- Sona quizzes him about being chosen for such a role, to which Conan answers:
  
  “I feel seen for the first time.” (04:24)

3. Unboxing the Merch: Honest and Hilarious Play-by-Play

The team systematically opens and reviews a huge array of Smarty Pants toys, collectibles, cards, apparel, and other oddities:

a. Playsets & Figures
- Conan complains (comically) about his character’s minor placement on packaging:
  
  “Why am I on the lower level? ... I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing I'm gonna get to my agent right after this segment, and I'm gonna chew him a new asshole." (06:01)
- On being grouped with other toys:
  
  “I'm not connecting with anybody. Smarty Paints.” (06:54)
b. Promotional Tie-Ins
- Kellogg’s cereal boxes include Smarty Pants cards, but—Conan notes—often flip to Woody:
  
  “They’re using me to sell Woody. That’s wrong. That’s just wrong.” (07:22)
c. Funko Pops & Collectibles
- Discussion of Conan being the most "Funko’d" celebrity:
  
  “Conan, you are the most funkoed person with 38 different Funko dolls. Stan Lee is 37 and Elvis is 30.” (09:27)
  “No one reaches this status in show business has a wallet.” (09:42)
d. Practical (and Impractical) Merch
- On the chunky Smarty Pants wallet:
  
  “The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic. And they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one.” (10:01)
- Sona clarifies the audience for the wallet:
  
  “I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids.” (10:01)
e. Clothes & Fashion
- Conan tries on a retro hoodie, shirts and sweaters with Smarty Pants themes:
  
  “This will never fit me. Look at this. This is for obviously a toddler or a very small child.” (11:01)
- Meta-commentary on Smart Pants on apparel:
  
  “You look like such a shill right now wearing the sweatshirt.” (17:31)
f. Audio/Motion Toys & Mystery Boxes
- Audio buttons with Conan’s actual voice, and a “motion-activated” toy that surprises David at night.
  
  “This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? ... If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever.” (16:58)
- The crew opens blind box toys, provoking Conan’s mock-doomsday vision:
  
  “There’s gonna be riots in malls when kids don’t get Smarty Pants—when they get stuck with the pig ... or stapler, whatever.” (18:57)
g. Books, Sticker Books & Miscellanea
- Discovery of a “Golden Book” featuring a suspiciously personal psychological analysis of Smarty Pants and, thus, Conan himself:
  
  “He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed. … Each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of Smarty Pants. Who wrote this? My therapist?” (22:44–23:30)

4. Meta-Humor: No Cut of the Merch

Conan repeatedly riffs on not profiting from any of these products:

“I don’t get a piece of this merch. … If you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, feel free to send me money.” (05:39)
Jokes escalate to the team proposing a GoFundMe/Kickstarter so Conan can finally get compensated for “Smarty Pants Mania”:

“I should put up a Venmo. That's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money for my Smarty Pants merch that they already bought.” (24:35)

5. Cultural Aftershocks of Smarty Pants

Imaginary “Smarty Pants Dance” is described and parodied:

“It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin.” (21:45)
Jokes about “Smarty Pants Mania” overshadowing the US Semiquincentennial:

“A lot of people thought July 4, 2026, was going to be the 250th celebration. Well, you're not hearing about that … Smarty Pants Mania.” (21:18)
Riffs about Pixar’s mascot lamp acting as the company’s ruthless attorney or enforcer—apparent even in the room as they record.

6. Mock-Sincerity & Heartfelt Absurdity

The group vacillates between genuine awe at Pixar's merchandising engine and lampooning themselves for being so swept up:

Sona: “Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandising department? Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good.” (22:00) Conan: “No, go, go, go. More, more, more.” (24:17)
Conan reflects on the odd experience:

“It's a little otherworldly, I have to say that.” (25:44)

7. Takeaway and Closure

Conan predicts these toys will end up in flea markets and become collectors’ items—
- Sona, meanwhile, says the merch is actually pretty cool and well-designed.
The episode ends with Conan reaffirming the central joke:

“All we did was pile up a ton of Smarty Pants merch. Go, go, go. The business of America is business.” (26:48)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On status:
"Stan Lee is 37 and Elvis is 30 [different Funko dolls]. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success." (09:27)
On merch overkill:
Sona: “Don't you think this is like a little too much?”
Conan: “No. … I think there should be a car that's patterned after Smarty Pants that you can get in. It's like a really expensive car.” (16:20, 18:03)
On feigned egomania:
“People don’t know I did all of the animation … I took over.” (03:05)
On the psychological reading in the children's book:
“He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed … All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help.” (22:44–23:08)
On the Smarty Pants Dance:
“It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin.” (21:45)
On the lamp as Pixar’s enforcer:
“I'll chase that lamp all across North America. It'll be hopping away from me. Come back here, lamp. Oh, no, he's crazy.” (07:42)

Highlighted Segments (with Timestamps)

[01:39] – Unboxing segment begins, with energy and banter
[04:10] – Conan on being “seen” via toilet-training toy
[05:39] – Merch unboxing and Conan’s recurring “I get no cut!” bit
[09:27] – Data reveal: Conan is the most Funko’d celebrity
[10:01] – Conan/Sona wallet showdown; Targeting “grown men” audience
[11:01] – Conan rocks a retro, child-sized hoodie; meta-fashion chat
[16:58] – Voice-activated toys and motion detection gags
[18:57] – The riot-in-the-mall scenario for Smarty Pants
[22:44] – Origin story reading—from a kids’ book to a public therapy session
[24:35] – “Venmo me” GoFundMe fundraising riff
[25:44] – Sincere reflection on how surreal and cool the whole experience is

Tone & Style

The episode is a fast-paced, comedic deep-dive into self-mythologizing, nostalgia, and manufactured mania. Conan’s characteristic mix of mock arrogance, confessional humor, and childlike glee keeps the segment lively. Sona and David provide perfect counterpoints—Sona with deadpan honesty, David with straight-man enthusiasm—while the group channels both affection and satire for Pixar and the world of movie merchandising.

Summary

For listeners who missed the episode, “Conan Unboxes ‘Toy Story’ Merch” is a delightful riff-fest, lampooning the extravagance and absurdity of modern film merchandising while providing a warm, slightly surreal glimpse of Conan O’Brien’s place in pop culture history. The laughs are sharp but affectionate, the in-jokes plentiful, and the main theme is clear: No one is ever truly prepared to see themselves as a toy on a flea market blanket—or quite so many times as a Funko.

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Transcript343 lines

[00:03]
Conan O'Brien
Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first but didn't live up to the hype?
[00:07]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah, like all the time.
[00:08]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.
[00:11]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, no.
[00:14]
Conan O'Brien
Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about? Don't you see that?
[00:23]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, yeah, all the time.
[00:24]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that. Bullspin.
[00:27]
Sona Movsesian
Bull spin.
[00:28]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Instead you can get the highest roas of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull. Spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.comconan Terms apply. Ever crave something tasty but feel like you should eat something healthy instead? We all have that battle. I have that battle all the time. Well, now you don't have to compromise. Wonderful pistachios that don't hold back snack. These are craveable, flavorful, and totally addictive in the best way. I'm talking dill pickle, honey roasted, chili roasted bold flavors that bring the tangy, the sweet and everything in between each serving. I did my own test and this is what I came up with. Has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. Check out wonderful pistachios.com to learn more about the don't hold back snack.
[01:29]
Sona Movsesian
Conan O' Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com callknan okay, let's get started.
[01:39]
David
So we're gonna do something a little different today. As we all know, Toy Story 5 came out. You play Smartypants. A few weeks ago, you were presented with the first ever toy of Smarty Pants and you're really excited. We have this giant Smarty Pants here.
[01:52]
Sona Movsesian
I know.
[01:53]
Conan O'Brien
That's great. Can I criticize your open for just a second?
[01:55]
David
Yeah, anytime.
[01:56]
Conan O'Brien
You just glossed over Toy Story came out and you're in it. Stuff like that. It's the biggest movie.
[02:01]
David
Oh, yeah.
[02:02]
Conan O'Brien
In like the history of the world.
[02:03]
David
Oh, the history of the world.
[02:04]
Conan O'Brien
It's a massive. Admit it's a massive.
[02:06]
David
It is huge.
[02:07]
Conan O'Brien
And something is sweeping through the country right now which can only be called Smarty Pants Mania.
[02:13]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, boy.
[02:14]
Conan O'Brien
People are doing the Smarty Pants dance. It is everywhere. Smarty Pants. You know, there's all this talk about how Smarty Pants kind of is the movie.
[02:22]
David
Oh, do you have sources?
[02:24]
Sona Movsesian
Which. Which character did you voice by Smarty Pants? Oh, okay. Oh, that's interesting.
[02:28]
Conan O'Brien
It just occurred to me, which one? But anyway, you know, tons of articles are like, well, he. You know, Smarty Pants is the movie. And were there other characters? You know, who is this Bonnie and this Buzz?
[02:41]
Sona Movsesian
Toy Story. Blasphemy. How dare you.
[02:43]
David
I just have to point out.
[02:44]
Sona Movsesian
How dare you.
[02:45]
David
That, like, day before we went to the Toy Story premiere, you were like, oh, man, what if this isn't good? What if I'm the reason that this fails? Wow, you've really changed.
[02:53]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, I've changed. I've changed. I've decided I went from, oh, I don't want to be the reason this Toy Story 5 goes down to deciding that I'll take full credit for all of the movie's success.
[03:05]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, my God.
[03:06]
Conan O'Brien
People don't know I did all of the animation. Oh, yeah. Pixar was like, we're not sure how to do this. And I said, guys, guys, guys.
[03:14]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[03:14]
Conan O'Brien
And I went in there and I took over.
[03:15]
Sona Movsesian
You're a real computer guy.
[03:17]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, man. Am I a computer guy. I'm a real computer.
[03:22]
David
Oh, that's what. That's what they say.
[03:24]
Conan O'Brien
Yep.
[03:24]
David
And you're so. You're just so humble about it, too.
[03:26]
Conan O'Brien
No, no. Anyway, now, I'm sure a lot of people have seen Toy Story 5. Just if you're checking the numbers, it seems like.
[03:32]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, God.
[03:33]
Conan O'Brien
It seems like everyone. I think everyone on Earth has seen it three times already. But a fourth time, always a good idea.
[03:39]
Sona Movsesian
Five for five.
[03:42]
Conan O'Brien
So my character, Smarty Pants, is a. He's one of the tech toys, but he's the first level of tech toy. Like, the first tier. So just when they were starting to put tech into toys. And he is a potty training device, it was my insistence. I've been waiting for years. I've had many offers to do animation, and I always said, come to me when it's a toilet training device. Oh, this was my insistence.
[04:10]
Sona Movsesian
Or did they. I mean, like, it looks like a roll of toilet paper. Smarty Pants does, and it has a number one and a number two button. And is there any part of you that's like, why me? For this specific.
[04:24]
Conan O'Brien
As I told them, when they came to me and described the character, I said, I feel seen for the first time.
[04:29]
David
Just felt right.
[04:30]
Conan O'Brien
Really seen. They see the real me. So. Yeah. And of course, now I'm told there's Smarty Pants merch.
[04:38]
David
Yes. So we showed you the one toy a few weeks ago.
[04:39]
Conan O'Brien
And let me just point out. And I think I should point this. I don't get a piece of this merch. I've tried, you know, they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5? And I said, yes. And they said. And then I said, is there going to be any merch for my character? And they went, yes, there will be. And I went, well, I demand. And they said, do you want to be in Toy Story 5 or not? And they went, yes, please.
[05:01]
David
You pulled it fast.
[05:02]
Conan O'Brien
So I sure showed them. So I don't profit in any way. I just thought this would be fun. Let's take a look.
[05:08]
Sona Movsesian
Let's go up against Disney.
[05:10]
Conan O'Brien
All right, what's the first one, David?
[05:11]
David
All right, first one is this little play scale. It's you and your little friends from the movie.
[05:15]
Conan O'Brien
All my buddies from the movie. Let's see who's here. Well, look at that.
[05:19]
David
Aw, look at that.
[05:20]
Conan O'Brien
So you got Smarty Pants right here. He's adorable. There's Jesse. Jesse's got her hat for sun protection,
[05:28]
David
and that's why she wears it.
[05:30]
Conan O'Brien
I like any character that's being serious about sun protection. So Atlas, Snappy. And then, of course, there's Smarty Pants here. And what a lovely set. I think people should get this set. And if you do think I should have had a piece of the merch, feel free to send me money.
[05:47]
David
You want the fans to send you money?
[05:49]
Conan O'Brien
The fans, if they really enjoy playing with their smarty pants, if they were nice and sensitive, move on.
[05:55]
David
There's another playset, a few more characters. In this one, we have Forky, Lily Pad, Buzz, and Woody up top.
[06:01]
Conan O'Brien
Okay. And why am I on the lower level? I'm sorry.
[06:06]
David
I'm just thinking once you take them out, there are no levels.
[06:09]
Conan O'Brien
Very nice. But no, this is the thing my agent should have been on top of. I mean, I love Forky. We all love forky. But come on, I should be up here. So that's the kind of thing I'm gonna get to Rick Rosen right after this segment, and I'm gonna chew him a new asshole. I'm right there, though, with my typical. Look at that Smarty Pants sideways. He gave him a little side eye.
[06:31]
David
The one eyebrow raise.
[06:32]
Conan O'Brien
The old one eyebrow raise. That is. Man, that's Smarty Pants. Hey, wait a minute. I don't like this. Woody gets his own box.
[06:39]
Trevor Noah
Oh, gosh.
[06:39]
Conan O'Brien
Forky. All these guys. And then you get to my box, and look at that. I share a box with Atlas. Snappy. And then me. That's not gonna happen in the future either. I want my own box.
[06:51]
Sona Movsesian
Aren't you a trio?
[06:53]
David
Yeah, you guys are all connected by, like, a usb.
[06:55]
Conan O'Brien
I'm not connecting with anybody. Smarty Paints.
[06:59]
David
Hey, chill.
[07:00]
Conan O'Brien
You know what? I probably went too far there.
[07:02]
Sona Movsesian
Well, your toy in this one is also on a stand with the two other characters.
[07:07]
Conan O'Brien
Not if you have a power
[07:10]
Sona Movsesian
here.
[07:10]
David
Also, you can get this in a Kellogg's cereal box here.
[07:13]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, look at this. If you get Kellogg's cereal, you get a little Smarty Pants card. But then, look at this. You turn it around and it's a Woody toy.
[07:22]
Sona Movsesian
It's Woody.
[07:23]
Conan O'Brien
What is that? They're using me.
[07:25]
David
This one's also Woody.
[07:26]
Conan O'Brien
Look at this. They're using me to sell Woody. That's wrong. That's just wrong. Another thing I gotta talk to WME about. Oh, boy.
[07:34]
David
So many, so many calls to make.
[07:36]
Conan O'Brien
The calls that are going to my agents, my various reps. You should go
[07:40]
Sona Movsesian
to battle with Pixar. For sure. I think it'll be good.
[07:42]
Conan O'Brien
You know what? They're shaking in their cartoon boots right now. I'll chase that lamp all across North America. It'll be hopping away from me. Come back here, lamp. Oh, no, he's crazy.
[07:58]
Sona Movsesian
I love the Lamp. Being the attorney for Pixar. The lamp.
[08:01]
Conan O'Brien
The lamp is the attorney. I read your contract, and it seems
[08:05]
David
to me, oh, Smarty Pants has his own Funko.
[08:09]
Sona Movsesian
Look at this.
[08:10]
Conan O'Brien
We got some Smarty Pants Funkos right here.
[08:12]
Sona Movsesian
Funko.
[08:13]
Conan O'Brien
Pop, you know what? You gotta go with the Funko. We've had a bunch of Funkos from all those years of doing Comic Con, and now this is added to the Legion of Conan Funkos.
[08:21]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[08:22]
Conan O'Brien
Very nice. You know what this means? I'll be signing these at airports for the rest of my life. Yeah, and outside Sizzler restaurants.
[08:29]
Sona Movsesian
Yes.
[08:29]
Conan O'Brien
I don't know why they always get me the Sizzler.
[08:32]
Sona Movsesian
Conan is the most Funko'd person.
[08:34]
Conan O'Brien
We're gonna look it up right now. Somebody is right named Judi Dench.
[08:39]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, what's this?
[08:40]
David
Look at this little wallet. It'll hold your credit cards.
[08:42]
Conan O'Brien
This is a wallet. Look at this. You have all your credit cards back. Oh, I thought it said Prada. It says Pixar.
[08:49]
Sona Movsesian
It's like, wow.
[08:50]
David
Prada.
[08:51]
Sona Movsesian
Prada.
[08:51]
Conan O'Brien
Look at that. You can get a Smarty Pants.
[08:55]
Sona Movsesian
That's cute.
[08:55]
Conan O'Brien
Wallet right here, guys. This is incredible.
[08:58]
David
I would love to be at a restaurant with you one day and you pull that out.
[09:01]
Conan O'Brien
This is what I'm going to use from now on. And I'm going to go to very fancy restaurants. And then when it comes time, I'm going to make a big show of saying, time to Pay. Oh, really? Let me get my wallet. Huh? Oh, oh, oh. Smarty pants. Yes, that's me. I'm the voice of Smarty Pants. And then cut to the exterior of the restaurant. And I'm just thrown out. And then this wallet hits me on the head.
[09:26]
David
Here's some more.
[09:27]
Conan O'Brien
So, Conan, you are the most fun code person with 38 different Funko dolls. Stan Lee is 37 and Elvis is 30. This is incredible. And you wonder why I've gone insane. It's just too much success.
[09:42]
Sona Movsesian
This is ridiculous.
[09:43]
Conan O'Brien
It's too much success. No one reaches this status in show business has a wallet. Can I just say, this is a clumsy wallet. The whole idea of a wallet is for it to be aerodynamic. And they've put a giant chunky toilet on this one.
[10:01]
Sona Movsesian
Can I just make a comment? I don't think it's for adults. I think it's for kids. And I think that it's for kids.
[10:08]
Conan O'Brien
So this is where kids put their credit cards?
[10:10]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah. I don't know, but I know, I know it's not for grown men to put it in their back pockets.
[10:15]
Conan O'Brien
So when kids. I don't know. When I was a kid, I didn't have anything that could go in here. Not one thing.
[10:23]
Sona Movsesian
They like to pretend.
[10:25]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, okay, that's fine.
[10:26]
Sona Movsesian
It's not adults wearing it.
[10:28]
David
Now we're getting into the shirts and the hoodies.
[10:32]
Conan O'Brien
What's this? Explain what's happening here because I don't know that much about fashion.
[10:35]
David
This is a hoodie with like a retro looking smarty pants on it.
[10:39]
Conan O'Brien
I got to put it on.
[10:40]
David
You can get them at like Amazon. Selling them Hot Topics. Selling them again.
[10:44]
Sona Movsesian
Smarty pants.
[10:45]
David
No, no.
[10:45]
Conan O'Brien
Brian in no way participates financially. This is me as a fan of Smartie.
[10:52]
David
Oh, no.
[10:54]
Sona Movsesian
That's a cool. That looks cool.
[10:55]
David
Yeah. I'm just going to start.
[10:56]
Conan O'Brien
This looks cool.
[10:57]
Sona Movsesian
It actually does look cool. It's like, I love that retro 80s print.
[11:02]
Conan O'Brien
This will never fit me. Look at this. This is for obviously a toddler or a very small child. Yeah, very cool. It's the. It's Smarty and the gang technically awesome.
[11:12]
David
It says.
[11:13]
Conan O'Brien
Yep. Hey, one thing about Summer Sona is that everything just feels easy.
[11:24]
Sona Movsesian
Sure.
[11:24]
Conan O'Brien
Does the season for comfortable go anywhere pieces that make getting dressed simple. That's what makes Quint such a great fit for the season. They focus on well made essentials that you'll actually live in all summer long. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable. They're easy to throw on and the summer upgrades your rotation needs. Their tees are soft enough to live in all days. Those are soft tees. I felt them.
[11:48]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[11:48]
Conan O'Brien
Blay, you wear a lot of quints and you're liking it. Yeah, I love it. I just got the 100% European linen relaxed short sleeve shirt and it's great. It's airy, especially for the hot Los Angeles. Also, you seem more relaxed these days. Usually you're real uptight and kind of shouting into the mic. You seem a little more balanced now.
[12:05]
Ad/Announcer
It's great.
[12:05]
Conan O'Brien
Also, like, I like the French blue because I think it sets off my white hair very nicely.
[12:09]
David
Yeah.
[12:10]
Sona Movsesian
It's a nice.
[12:11]
Conan O'Brien
Thank you. Yeah, it's. Oh, I think it's more Quint that's providing the goodness skin.
[12:17]
Sona Movsesian
It looks good on his skin and
[12:18]
Conan O'Brien
his back to the ad.
[12:20]
Sona Movsesian
Okay.
[12:20]
Conan O'Brien
Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.comconan for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.comconan for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comconan with the US Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, you earn an unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase.
[12:46]
David
Huh.
[12:46]
Conan O'Brien
It's a good deal.
[12:47]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[12:47]
Conan O'Brien
No quarterly activations, no categories to track. Just unlimited 2% cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day I bought you this antique wig stand.
[12:58]
Sona Movsesian
Oh.
[12:58]
Conan O'Brien
And I didn't get cash back and I regret it now.
[13:02]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, okay. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift.
[13:04]
Conan O'Brien
Do you wear a wig or is that your hair?
[13:06]
Sona Movsesian
Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of. It's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me.
[13:11]
Conan O'Brien
Well, I'll just return it anyway. But I do wish I got cash back.
[13:15]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[13:15]
Conan O'Brien
Visit usbank.com smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. bank National Association. Pursuant to a license from Visa USA Inc. Some restrictions may apply. You know what?
[13:30]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[13:30]
Conan O'Brien
I need lots of data to run this business.
[13:33]
Sona Movsesian
You're a big data guy.
[13:34]
Conan O'Brien
I am. People think I'm just a guy at the microphone spouting stuff. I need data. Raw data's at the heart of every organization. But managing it can create friction, risk, and manual work. No one needs that. Everpure transforms static data into a living system, making it intelligent, instantly accessible, secure, energy efficient and ready to perform. Plus, Everpure's evergreen subscription automatically delivers the latest innovation and security upgrades whether your data is in the cloud on prem or at the edge. Everpure makes data management so simple, it just feels like second nature.
[14:05]
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[14:05]
Conan O'Brien
Tame your data chaos with EverPure. Visit everpuredata.com to learn more. This is a paid ad by BetterHelp. All of us learn about stigmas when we're a kid. Things we're probably not supposed to talk about. Things we're not supposed to share. Maybe be a little ashamed of. Even in 2020, stigma can get in the way of a lot of things, like getting support for your mental health. Unbelievably, that's still an issue for people.
[14:36]
Sona Movsesian
Yes.
[14:37]
Conan O'Brien
Maybe you've encouraged friends to consider therapy while avoiding taking the first step yourself because you're busy or you're worried what others would think. Or you're telling yourself you can handle it alone. Yeah, this is a situation where you can't do it alone. You need to talk to someone else. But therapy with BetterHelp, the world's largest online therapy platform, can be a space to slow down and talk through what's been building before. It feels unmanageable. Here's how it works. You just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and preferences. And BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. That's huge. Their industry leading match rate means BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. You can feel confident knowing betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. We have never had that here at the show. And unlike us, they are fully qualified. Don't let hesitation hold you back. Find support with better help. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Conan that's betterhelp.com Conan. Oh, look, this is nice. I like this one. There I am right there with Woody.
[15:48]
Sona Movsesian
It's a blue sweater.
[15:49]
Conan O'Brien
It's a blue sweater. That's a good color for me.
[15:50]
Sona Movsesian
It's playtime and it's Smarty Pants and Woody.
[15:53]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, my God.
[15:54]
Sona Movsesian
Describing it.
[15:55]
Conan O'Brien
This is going to be fun. Shelves. Everyone's going to want one of these.
[15:59]
David
I like this one.
[16:00]
Sona Movsesian
That's cool.
[16:00]
Conan O'Brien
This is nice.
[16:01]
Sona Movsesian
That's a picture of Smarty Pants with that jelly hand that he has.
[16:04]
Conan O'Brien
He's got that jellied hand. Incredible.
[16:07]
Sona Movsesian
It's like a baseball shirt.
[16:09]
David
Baseball shirt. Yeah. Here's a shirt that says I need to recharge.
[16:12]
Conan O'Brien
I need to recharge. Okay? Because Smarty Pants does run on electricity batteries.
[16:18]
Sona Movsesian
Do we need this much?
[16:21]
David
I mean, here. Here's another.
[16:23]
Conan O'Brien
What are you talking about?
[16:24]
Sona Movsesian
Don't you think this is like A little too much?
[16:26]
Conan O'Brien
No, for Smarty.
[16:27]
Sona Movsesian
For a side character,
[16:33]
David
you struck a nerve.
[16:35]
Conan O'Brien
A lot of people are saying I am the comedic and emotional center of the movie.
[16:39]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, okay. It's not just me.
[16:40]
Conan O'Brien
And when I say a lot of people, is it you? It's me. Me alone. But wow, look at this. There's Smarty.
[16:51]
David
That's the one you're wearing. Just in a T shirt form. Yeah.
[16:53]
Conan O'Brien
That's great. Okay.
[16:54]
David
All right, this one. You recorded the lines for this to. In that chair.
[16:58]
Conan O'Brien
Press more juice. Oh, that's when he's low on batteries. This is actually my voice. When do people ever get to hear my voice? You've got to get this toy or you'll never hear my voice. If you don't have this toy, my voice is lost to you forever.
[17:16]
David
Just trying to get some batteries out of the deal.
[17:18]
Sona Movsesian
Don't you want it to shut up? Like, that's how we feel.
[17:21]
David
At least this one's not motion activated like the other one.
[17:24]
Conan O'Brien
There is a motion activated one, and I almost killed it.
[17:27]
David
Well, I was here, like, I had to grab something at night once, and he started just talking in the corner.
[17:32]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, my God. You look like such a shill right now wearing the sweatshirt. And look at this.
[17:37]
Conan O'Brien
Don't I look like, hey, you're never gonna find me selling out to the man.
[17:42]
David
I wish we had a hat.
[17:43]
Conan O'Brien
That's not my style. That's not who I am. I have never seen.
[17:51]
David
They're, like, all different sizes, too.
[17:52]
Conan O'Brien
There are so many different Smarty Pants toys. Too much, and they're different. Stop saying that. Sona.
[17:58]
David
This one's also most.
[17:59]
Conan O'Brien
Can I say one thing you're not going to like? Oh, I think it's not enough.
[18:03]
Sona Movsesian
Okay.
[18:04]
Conan O'Brien
I think there should be a car that's patterned after Smarty Pants that you can get in. It's like a really expensive car.
[18:10]
Sona Movsesian
I don't know, like a rolling toilet paper.
[18:13]
Conan O'Brien
I like that. You don't know. You're not sure that that's a good idea.
[18:16]
David
This one's going to be fun for everyone. Everyone gets involved. It's a mystery box. We got to see who can find the smarty pants.
[18:22]
Conan O'Brien
I've got to play giardo.
[18:25]
Sona Movsesian
Did you see how I cut that with one hand?
[18:27]
Conan O'Brien
That's so cool. Wait, we got to find out. It's a.
[18:29]
David
We have to find it. It's a mystery.
[18:31]
Conan O'Brien
All right, well, I got this. Let me see who I got. I got this pig.
[18:36]
David
Okay, try again.
[18:39]
Conan O'Brien
How about if you just. I got him.
[18:41]
Sona Movsesian
I got him.
[18:41]
Conan O'Brien
You got Smarty.
[18:43]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, I got the other pig.
[18:44]
Conan O'Brien
Isn't that weird when the guy who is dealing the game wins?
[18:48]
David
I didn't cheat.
[18:49]
Conan O'Brien
Look at him. This is adorable. He's a little guy. So this is a toy where kids don't know who they're gonna get.
[18:56]
David
You don't know who you're gonna get. It could be.
[18:57]
Conan O'Brien
Do you realize there's gonna be riots in malls when kids don't get Smarty Pants? When they get stuck with the pig. You know what I mean? Or, like, the stapler, whatever.
[19:08]
Sona Movsesian
With his hand.
[19:09]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, his little jelly hand. A little jelly hand. When kids get that, there's gonna be rioting in malls.
[19:14]
Sona Movsesian
A kid does his own lean.
[19:16]
Conan O'Brien
A kid says, I can't wait to get Smarty Pants. They pull out this jellied hand. Suddenly, you see a drone shot, a news helicopter shot of a mall being torn apart by kids. And so, you know, they bring in riot police who shoot cannons filled with little Smarty Pants to calm them down. How deluded am I? How insane am I?
[19:38]
David
We should have never done this.
[19:40]
Conan O'Brien
We never. You know what? This is so weird. I have to admit.
[19:44]
David
He's gonna start setting things up.
[19:45]
Conan O'Brien
There's a book.
[19:47]
David
There's a sticker book.
[19:48]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, my. Look at this.
[19:49]
David
And, like, one of those, like, golden.
[19:51]
Sona Movsesian
Oh, those are cool.
[19:52]
David
Golden books.
[19:53]
Conan O'Brien
Yeah, Those are classic. God, everything's just going the way I always intended it to.
[19:58]
David
Yeah.
[19:59]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[19:59]
Conan O'Brien
This was the plan long ago, back when I started my career. What's that?
[20:04]
David
There's mystery snow globes.
[20:06]
Trevor Noah
What?
[20:07]
David
It's a snow globe.
[20:08]
Conan O'Brien
Okay. You know, you're. I think you did these in the wrong order. David.
[20:11]
Sona Movsesian
I've gone too far.
[20:12]
Conan O'Brien
David started with the biggest wow ones, and now he's down to. Oh, look, it's a little sticker that can go on a frying pan.
[20:21]
Sona Movsesian
It's a box that may or may not have your toy.
[20:25]
David
You admit you did this.
[20:26]
Conan O'Brien
You did this in reverse order. You did this in reverse order.
[20:29]
David
I think it's better.
[20:29]
Conan O'Brien
You ended on the T shirts. He ended on the T shirts. And now he's opening toys that possibly have Smarty Pants in them. But most likely, statistically not. I got him.
[20:40]
Sona Movsesian
Hey.
[20:42]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, Smarty. Oh, he's trapped. Trapped, I say.
[20:47]
Sona Movsesian
I just love that the lamp is watching everything that we do.
[20:52]
Conan O'Brien
You know who's really appalled by it all? My wife. My wife. We also have cheese, Smarty Pants.
[21:00]
Sona Movsesian
Cheese. No.
[21:01]
Conan O'Brien
Yes, Smarty Pants. Cheese. What kind of cheese? It's like the little baby bell.
[21:05]
David
Little.
[21:06]
Conan O'Brien
I think they're cheddar. Little cheddar cheeses.
[21:09]
David
Eric got some today.
[21:09]
Conan O'Brien
He commented, can I say one thing, Sona? I honestly don't think this has gone far enough. And I'm being serious. This is great. This is amazing. This isn't enough because right now, America is gripped with Smarty Pants fever. A lot of people thought that July 4, 2026, was going to be the 250th celebration. Well, you're not hearing about that. That fizzled. You know what's happening instead? Smarty Pants Mania.
[21:39]
David
I have a question. Earlier, you said there's a Smarty Pants dance taking over the nation. What's the dance? How's it go?
[21:45]
Conan O'Brien
It's a rock to the left, a rock to the right, flush, flush, and then a spin. And you know what? People are doing that everywhere. I see. I can't.
[21:54]
David
I haven't seen it yet.
[21:55]
Conan O'Brien
It's everywhere. I've never not seen it. I've never opened my eyes in the last month and not seen that.
[22:01]
Sona Movsesian
Can I make an appeal to the Pixar merchandising department?
[22:04]
Conan O'Brien
Yep.
[22:05]
Sona Movsesian
Fucking stop. Just stop. We're good. There's plenty of Smarty Pants merch.
[22:12]
Conan O'Brien
I think we made a pedal to the metal. And you can see something else. They know what they're doing.
[22:17]
Sona Movsesian
They do, though.
[22:17]
Conan O'Brien
They have research. They know what they're doing. You know what they know when they see Smarty Pants Mania? They know what to do.
[22:24]
David
You know, you can step into reading and, like, learn how to read with Smarty Pants on.
[22:27]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, look at that. Jesse meets some of Blaze's old forgotten toys known as the Tech Trio. First, there is Smarty Pants, voiced by a needy Irish Catholic boy from Boston. He has a hole in his heart that can never be healed.
[22:44]
Matt Gourley
This is real.
[22:45]
Conan O'Brien
I didn't think these books got into it in this level. Yeah, the love he didn't get as a child in a large family will never be salved.
[22:54]
Trevor Noah
Wow.
[22:54]
Conan O'Brien
That's a credible word. S A L V E D. It's right here for kids. The only way to ameliorate this problem is by constantly calling attention to himself. Jesus, this is terrible. All the cognitive therapy in the world cannot help.
[23:09]
David
It's still going.
[23:10]
Conan O'Brien
The voice of Smarty Pants. It just goes on for pages and pages about Smarty Pants. I'll skip ahead a couple.
[23:15]
David
Okay, yeah, take us to the end.
[23:17]
Conan O'Brien
You'd think each success would calm him, but no, on the contrary, each success only feeds the need for more success. It's a bottomless cup of coffee with the needy, sad voice of Smarty Pants. Who wrote this?
[23:30]
Sona Movsesian
Wait a minute.
[23:31]
Conan O'Brien
My therapist. You didn't see that coming, did you? How you doing there, Sona? You having a good time? This is the hardest I've seen her go in a while.
[23:42]
David
You were really.
[23:42]
Sona Movsesian
I just love the backstory on Smarty Pants.
[23:45]
Conan O'Brien
It really goes.
[23:47]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[23:47]
Conan O'Brien
And they keep talking about the voice in the rest of the book, they just talk about the characters. But when they get to Smarty Pants, they say has the voice of a desperately sad, cloying, needy creep. It says, the beady eyed voice of Smarty Pants. How would they even know? How does a voice have beady eyes? Yeah, don't listen to Sona. Whoever's behind this, Disney Pixar.
[24:17]
Sona Movsesian
Stop.
[24:18]
Conan O'Brien
Go, go, go. More, more, more.
[24:22]
Sona Movsesian
I think we've had enough.
[24:23]
Conan O'Brien
And remember, if you think I should have had a cut of the Merchant, send cash to the Conan o'. Brien.
[24:32]
Sona Movsesian
I love your Venmo.
[24:35]
Conan O'Brien
I should put up a Venmo. That's just me, a guy who doesn't need money, demanding money for my Smarty Pants merch that they already bought.
[24:49]
David
It's not like they're getting.
[24:50]
Conan O'Brien
Can I do a Kickstarter where I want?
[24:52]
Sona Movsesian
That doesn't work.
[24:53]
Conan O'Brien
Is there any way I could get a Kickstarter?
[24:55]
Sona Movsesian
GoFundMe.
[24:55]
David
A GoFundMe is what you want.
[24:56]
Conan O'Brien
A GoFundMe, yeah. Get a piece of his Smarty Pants merch. And I feel I'm entitled. How would that go over in America, right? In this America right now, how would that go over? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[25:11]
Sona Movsesian
I think it.
[25:12]
Conan O'Brien
I demand it.
[25:13]
Sona Movsesian
It's sweep the nature, David.
[25:15]
Conan O'Brien
Have my Bentley brothel around.
[25:19]
Sona Movsesian
Go fund me. I love the description. Conan o' Brien did not get a cut of the merch of the merch. Please donate to the cause.
[25:28]
Conan O'Brien
Please donate to the cause.
[25:29]
David
I want to really sad song as it zooms in on his face.
[25:33]
Sona Movsesian
Yeah.
[25:33]
Conan O'Brien
I will be. I will be. Everywhere I go, mobs will descend on me and tear me apart. All right, well, this was. I have to say, this was really fun.
[25:41]
Sona Movsesian
I am really excited. This is really cool. And I'm, I'm. I'm.
[25:44]
Conan O'Brien
It's a little otherworldly, I have to say that.
[25:46]
Sona Movsesian
All this stuff for yourself?
[25:47]
David
Yeah.
[25:47]
Conan O'Brien
It's insane. It's insane. And I can't wait to see it on a blanket at someone's flea market.
[25:55]
Sona Movsesian
And there are people who really collect all this stuff. And this is like, you know, this is really cool. It's a lot of really cool stuff. It's Beautiful. It's designed well.
[26:05]
Conan O'Brien
What are you doing? We're not selling this stuff. We are not. You already said we don't get a cut of it. We no way participate. You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter.
[26:13]
Sona Movsesian
It is. I like the. I like Pixar a lot. So, you know, I. I just, you
[26:18]
Conan O'Brien
know, that's just your. That's. That's you.
[26:20]
Sona Movsesian
That is me being actually sincere. Because earlier I was telling them they do have to stop. I do love that. No, the lamp goes after people who upset every.
[26:30]
Conan O'Brien
A lamp crashes through your door if you violate their precepts. Just separate me from these other two deadbeats. Craig Robinson's gonna come to my door, just cave my head in with a pipe. All right, you heard it here. What did we hear?
[26:48]
Sona Movsesian
What did we hear?
[26:49]
Conan O'Brien
All we did was pile up a ton of Smarty pants merch. Go, go, go. The business of America is business.
[26:57]
Matt Gourley
Conan o' Brien needs a fan. With Conan o', Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by eduardo Perez get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up@siriusxm.com Conan Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O' Brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[27:43]
Trevor Noah
Hey, what's going on over there? It's me, Trevor Noah. You know me. You don't know me.
[27:51]
Conan O'Brien
Oh, you do.
[27:51]
Trevor Noah
I was worried there for a second. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know. I love having interesting conversations. Conversations where we scratch beneath the surface, like what's really going on in the news? Or what is that celebrity really thinking about that scandal that they had? Or what's the worst way to be a parent? I mean, you want to find that out so you can be the best parent, right? Well, regardless of what it is, this podcast is all about figuring that out. Talking to interesting people who have interesting ideas that give us an interesting perspective on the world that we're living in. So make sure you tune in. Check out what now with Trevor Noah, available Now on the SiriusXM app.
[28:36]
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Conan O'Brien
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[28:44]
David
Police are on the way.
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[28:58]
Conan O'Brien
Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard Outdoor Protection Plan starting at $49.99 a month. Visit simplisafe.com licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.