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Tony Hinchcliffe

Waking up exhausted, foggy and running on empty. For me, one of the missing pieces was magnesium support. That's why I added Magnesium Breakthrough by Bioptimizers to my nightly routine. It's a powerful all in one magnesium complex with seven forms of magnesium designed to support relaxation, sleep, stress response and recovery. If you're ready to feel more rested and have a great summer, go to bioptimizers.com hags and use code HAGS for 15% off any order.

Brian Redban

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network.

Tony Hinchcliffe

This episode of Kill Tony and every

Brian Redban

episode of Kill Tony can be found

Tony Hinchcliffe

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhengchcliff.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV

Brian Redban

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

Dedrick Flynn

Shopsquad tv.

Brian Redban

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hey, this is Bradwick coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Gear up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Fuzzy Kilge

Yippee.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Make some noise before I and Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen. And the best damn band in all the land. That is the Kiltoni Band. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez, the great Matt Muhling on the electric, John D's on the keys and Deep Madness on the bass. Ladies and gentlemen, Red Band and I are here. We have a lot of stuff lined up. Who's excited to be here tonight, huh? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You can be a little piggy this August 7th and August 8th and watch kill Tony live from Madison Square Garden on our own independent livestream. Holy moly. Killtonylive.com that's where you go. You can watch both nights live. These episodes will not go onto YouTube. They're never going to be a normal Monday drop. If you want to see these live Madison Square Gardens you have to watch the stream. It's available for replay if you buy it for a few weeks I do believe. And you can have an option of getting merch bundles as well. So go to killtonylive.com get tickets this Thursday at noon to watch the livestream August 7th and August 8th. And if you're a real big kid, get on an airplane and join us live live August 7th and August 8th tonyhinchcliff.com for those tickets and get the stream afterwards to watch again what you already saw.

Drew Nickens

Boom.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Mind blowing pigs in the blankets all day. We'll see you there. Kill tonylive.com this Thursday at noon.

Brian Redban

I love it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week I book two of the best, biggest, funniest, whatever you name it, combinations, if you will, of comedians in the world. Tonight is special, people. It's very special because you are looking into a crystal ball. This is an episode from the future. Two of the biggest comedians in the world to be are on tonight's show. I started off as a door guy at the Comedy Store just like so many of your favorite comedians and you know, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, David Letterman, they were all door guys at a club. They worked their way up. This is the only other club other than the Comedy Store that I know of that has an unbelievable, unbelievable strategic system of, of building up comedians. And we get our, we get the first look at the next era of great talent. And tonight I introduce you to two of the funniest comedians coming up the ranks in the world. The whole building is excited about this episode because they know how funny these two guys on panel tonight are. So it's very exciting for you. One of them. I announced it on a recent episode of Kill Tony. He's the first ever panelist appointed from getting a set. The other one is just another fucking monster. We're going to have so much fun here tonight. Hopefully the bucket cooperates as I introduce to you two of truly the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Miles Johnson and Buzzy Kilge, everybody. Here they are, live in the flesh. Miles and Buzzy the boys. The future. You better get used to these pretty faces, mild and fuzzy. Come on in boys. Have a seat, sit down. You've both been on this show before, multiple times out of the bucket and now here you are on panel. You're all grown up. You're wearing matching outfits. Obviously ties didn't come with that outfit that you got off Amazon.

Fuzzy Kilge

They're coming tomorrow. They're coming tomorrow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's a little late, but you're buttoned up to the top. Bells and whistles and everything.

Miles Johnson

Thistles.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We're excited to have you. Fuzzy, say hello to these people.

Fuzzy Kilge

Hello, Austin, Texas. I love you. How the fuck we feeling tonight?

Tony Hinchcliffe

These are the boys. These are the little doggies. Miles, say hello.

Dedrick Flynn

What's up?

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. That's right. Two of the best performers, joke writers coming up the ranks. You're gonna know them. And now you know them now. Now, they've been on the show out of the bucket before, but they've never been on panel. So let me remind you guys, over 200 innocent souls signed up for this challenge tonight to hopefully make it or break it here on Kiltoni. Absolutely, anything can happen. Some of the people are truly just like these guys. The next thing coming up the ranks, maybe it's an older comedian that's been dying for a break for decades and signed up for a minute here, and maybe it's a psycho that literally didn't prepare, and they could be completely mentally ill and anything can happen. Go to betterhelp.com and use the promo code, kill Tony and save yourself. I'm gonna let this blatant cartel member pick the first name out of the bucket. There's just man hair falling into the bucket right off of those hairy palms of his. Very exciting stuff. Well, we go wrangle that first bucket. Oh, yeah, by the way, they get 60 seconds. You know, the time is up, and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Dedrick Flynn

I love it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

The Ketamine girls are staring at me like, how did he know? How did he know that we were on Ketamine the whole time? Ladies and gentlemen, while we go wrangle that first bucket poll, we have a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in quite a while. Here to debut a brand new minute is a man that holds the record for most appearances on one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens, everyone. Here we go.

Drew Nickens

I love the Lord. Can I get a hallelujah? No. I'm feeling the spirit in this Bitch. Can I get a hallelujah? That sounded unseasoned. Yeah. I was Mormon Till I was 13, and then I left the church because I found out that they didn't let black people into heaven. And I love Wesley Snipes. So if Blade can't go to heaven

Tony Hinchcliffe

and I can't see Badonkadonk in the

Drew Nickens

afterlife, I don't wanna go. Can I get a hallelujah? Hell, yeah. Ten years later, I rejoined the church. Cause I got brain damage. And God sent a woman from Lubbock, Texas, who was selling solar panels in San Antonio. She said, drew, if you get baptized, I will give you a blowjob. And when the Lord gives you a sign, when he gives you a vessel that'll take you to the promised land, you act on it. Can I get a hallelujah? No. I said, we feel the spirit in this bitch. We love fellatio, whether it's giving or receiving. Can I get a hallelujah? You don't get any head. I got baptized in two weeks. I speed ran that process, and then I hit her up on MySpace, and I found out that she blocked me. So I got Holy Ghosted. All right, thank y' all so much. That's my time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, Drew Nickens debuting a new preacher character to get things started here tonight. I love it. How does it feel up there tonight, Drew?

Drew Nickens

It's good. It's good. It's a. You know, it's a little different because it's a little bit more time in between, but I love it. Yeah. And I was actually Mormon, Tony.

Uncle G

I was.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I had no idea that you were a Mormon.

Uncle G

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What's your favorite part about being a Mormon?

Drew Nickens

My favorite was all the Mountain Dew,

Tony Hinchcliffe

and they gave you Mountain Dew. You're allowed to drink Mountain Dew?

Drew Nickens

Yeah. So that's. That's how Mormons cope. We don't get anything but Mountain Dew.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Really?

Drew Nickens

Yeah. And now I guess they're getting into energy drinks. Hallelujah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hallelujah.

Fuzzy Kilge

So you're saying they're given blow jobs for baptisms? Yeah, I'm done with all this Muslim that, baby.

Joel Lindley

Go.

Fuzzy Kilge

We got a priest in the house tonight.

Drew Nickens

Asalam alikum.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You put the hala in. Hallelujah. I love it. Drew, I can't tell whether your pants are low or your belly's big or what's going on. You're shaped like a salmon tonight.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Something going on? What have you been eating? What's your diet? Can you explain to these people why you're shaped like that?

Drew Nickens

So Taco bell has a $7 box online.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There it is.

Drew Nickens

You could create your. I. I customize it. It's beautiful.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What do you.

Fuzzy Kilge

What.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What type? How many different. What's your go to combination with a $7 box? Give me a little horn after each. This is Taco Bell. So this is you guys. You know what I mean? I need my horn section to represent Taco Bell over there. So for each thing, give it a little pump. Let's go. Take your. Take your time with it. One at a time. Here we go.

Drew Nickens

We do a crunch wrap supreme with no beef, no tomatoes, no lettuce, some beans. Then we do a taco with no beef, no lettuce, just cheese.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wait, hold on. I'm gonna stop you. I'm gonna stop you here. Did you just say a taco with no beef?

Drew Nickens

Yeah, but you replace it with beans.

Dedrick Flynn

Why?

Drew Nickens

I don't like hamburger. I love steak, but I don't like hamburger.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Why don't you put steak on it then?

Drew Nickens

Because. Because that costs more.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, that breaks the $7.

Teresa

Yeah.

Drew Nickens

And I gotta get my creamy jalapeno on the side. Oh,

Tony Hinchcliffe

dude, you get. You get creamy jalapeno on the side of a bean taco.

Drew Nickens

Yeah. So good dog.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Starting to make sense. The shape is starting to make sense.

Drew Nickens

You're

Tony Hinchcliffe

continuously.

Dedrick Flynn

No.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And holding on to some parts. There's some parts that are contained.

Drew Nickens

It happens.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wrapper.

Fuzzy Kilge

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you eating the wrapper, too? You know you're supposed to take that out first, right, Drew? All right, well, Drew, you got us started tonight. Fuzzy. Now, speaking of, you are our Senior Taco Bell seven dollar box correspondent.

Fuzzy Kilge

Thank you. You can get three for 21. That's a fun little fact.

Joel Lindley

Now

Tony Hinchcliffe

Mathematica de la Taco.

Fuzzy Kilge

Now, speaking of beef, I do have a little bit of beef with Drew Nickens. And I don't know if this is okay.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So let's see if we can turn it into beans.

Fuzzy Kilge

And I love this guy. He's a beam of. He's a bean of light.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right.

Fuzzy Kilge

And, you know, but we're on an ultralight bean.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We're on an ultra light.

Fuzzy Kilge

So I was seeing this girl, and she's beautiful, smart, funny, and I was, like, so in love with her. And I was dating her for like, three weeks. And then she started ghosting me. And that happens not the first time, you know? And then I see on her story she's hanging out with Drew Nickens.

Drew Nickens

I didn't know they were dating.

Fuzzy Kilge

So my. My bitch left me for Drew Nickens.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Apparently she's got a type, huh?

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love you.

Robert Stewart

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

She left you for a guy that he's a bean eater.

Drew Nickens

She's white, though, right?

Tony Hinchcliffe

When you think a girl ghosting you, doesn't get any worse, you look at her Instagram story, she's kicking it with Drew Nickens. That is just incredible.

Fuzzy Kilge

I love you, Drew.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Got that fly. There's a fly in here. Drew. Thank you. You got the show started tonight. Fun times. A tough spot being first up here.

Robert Stewart

Drew.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Drew's got it. And ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Into the bucket we go. You know what it is? Anything can happen here. Absolutely anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. He goes by the name of Robert Stewart, everybody. Here we go. How's everybody doing?

Drew Nickens

My name?

Robert Stewart

Hell yeah. My name's Robert. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, which means I'm conservative. That's right. I'm pro life. Unless she's pregnant with my kid, Then fuck that baby. Hell yeah. Guys, am I right? $500 in a trip to Kansas City. Saves me a lifetime of hurt. Anyways, I just recently got my charges expunged so I can legally purchase firearms. Hell yeah, felon. I hear you. Anyways, I went to a gun shop to buy a gun, and it reminds me a lot of going to a coffee shop. God damn, I'm too nervous. It reminds me of going to a coffee shop with my ex girlfriend. Like, I want a tall caramel macchiato, extra foam caramel drizzle on the side. Like, no, I want a SIG P365X macro with a comp barrel, like, at the end of it. I'm hoping they just both stick them in their mouths so they'll shut the fuck up. Yeah, comedy as a comedian reminds me a lot of Narcotics Anonymous. Hell yeah. We're just wondering who's gonna overdose or kill themselves first. Also, who's the new girl gonna fuck? Thank you so much. That's my time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Robert Stewart. Welcome, Robert. Hi, Robert.

Robert Stewart

How are you doing, Tony?

Tony Hinchcliffe

What a wild set. You got charges expunged. Narcotics Anonymous. Meanwhile, you look like the cop that arrested you. What interesting life you're living, Robert. How long have you been attempting standup comedy?

Robert Stewart

I was doing it for a year, then quit because everybody sucked. And then I came back.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Everybody sucked.

Robert Stewart

I was. I sucked.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, you sucked. There you go. That makes. Okay, what year was this that you did it?

Robert Stewart

Two years ago.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, so you took a year off and now you're back.

Robert Stewart

I'm back.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It what made you want to start again, Robert?

Robert Stewart

I'm just a God's gift to the world, Tony. You know this.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You are.

Robert Stewart

No, okay, but I'm trying.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. Yeah, but what made you want to start again?

Robert Stewart

My son, actually.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How old's your son?

Robert Stewart

He is 13.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And what? Can you explain how your 13 year old son made you want to start?

Robert Stewart

Like, I push him to do the things that he wants to do and he tells me, we're like, well, why do you quit comedy? I'm like, oh, okay. So I'm actually have to show him what I'm preaching to him. So yeah, I got back into comedy. I'm enjoying it, you know, again, like I stay out of the drama. So.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Beautiful. What's the drama? What's the drama?

Robert Stewart

I'm from Tulsa.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, you've had some Tulsa?

Robert Stewart

Yes, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What do you get in your seven dollar Taco Bell box?

Robert Stewart

Oh, I just, I just load up on spicy potato burritos.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Honestly, that is the whitest white guy. That is some Oklahoma white guy that I've never imagined before. Straight potato burritos. I'm looking at my, my horn section is very disappointed right now. They're literally about to deport themselves. I just saw them call ice on themselves. They're like, I gotta get the out of here. I'm on a show where people are eating potato burritos.

Robert Stewart

I was actually raised partially by a black family, so.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Really?

Robert Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That explains all the charges. They taught you how to be a felon. Very good. No, how were you raised by a black family? How's that possible?

Robert Stewart

Well, my parents were drug addicts, so my white grandparents took care of me and my next door neighbor was a black cop. So I got a lot of ass whoopings by a black daddy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow, what an interesting. Let's check in with our senior black daddy correspondent, Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. It just makes so much sense why he looks like that now. Yeah, he's got a cop face and

Dedrick Flynn

then a black arm.

Tony Hinchcliffe

He does have. It's tatted up there. So, Robert, how old are you?

Robert Stewart

I am 35.

Tony Hinchcliffe

35 years old. And what do you do for a living?

Robert Stewart

I pinch tits or tents.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hold on, what say pinch kids?

Dedrick Flynn

The first.

Robert Stewart

I put up tents. I'm in the rental business.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You put up tents?

Robert Stewart

Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. Something you and your 13 year old have in common, I guess. All right, so let's talk about it. What were the charges that you recently got expunged?

Robert Stewart

Assault and battery, assault and battery, malicious injured your property, and assault and battery

Tony Hinchcliffe

okay, let's take it one at a time. What was the first? Assault and battery.

Robert Stewart

I used to do a lot of drugs, Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Let's talk about it.

Robert Stewart

Go ahead. I. I love meth and benzos. It was my. And I fronted a guy, you know, a bag for 300 bucks and I asked him to pay me back nicely. He told me to get. So I beat his ass in the Dollar General parking lot.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Just with your fist? With your fist. Straight up. Do you have any weapons or anything?

Robert Stewart

No, no, I was already on probation.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Take us through it. What's your approach if you were already on probation? So what is this, a Tarantino movie? You're starting it in the middle. How were you already on what? Were you on probation?

Robert Stewart

The first assault battery wasn't a big issue. My girlfriend cheated on me. I beat the shit out of the guys she cheated on me with.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How did you find him? How did you know who that was?

Robert Stewart

Well, it's just. It was easy. He was her probably at the time

Tony Hinchcliffe

you walked in on them.

Robert Stewart

No, I didn't walk in. It's just like he was leaving her house and then I caught him at a gas station.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. Let's check in.

Fuzzy Kilge

I actually. I actually know a guy I want you to meet. Can we get Drew Nickens back out here, please?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Let's fucking go.

Ty Nguyen

Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, so take us through another assault and battery. Red band keeps thinking I'm saying salt and buttery. And I hear his stomach growling over here. He's picturing popcorn. All right, go ahead.

Robert Stewart

One was just a bar fight. I got caught in the parking lot by the police officer. It's just.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What was the bar fight over?

Robert Stewart

I don't know. I was up.

Teresa

Damn.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You don't even remember. He's probably like, you're gay.

Robert Stewart

I was like, no, I'm not.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Welcome to my world, my friend. Take my advice, don't fight it. All right, let's go through another assault and battery.

Robert Stewart

That was it?

Chris Longoria

That was it.

Robert Stewart

Three assault batteries.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah. What's the craziest thing you ever did on meth and benzos?

Robert Stewart

Oh, I masturbated for 14 hours straight.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Absolutely incredible. Now, were you using your imagination or were you watching porn?

Robert Stewart

I was it. I was in a buddy's attic watching porn.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You were in your friend's attic watching porn?

Robert Stewart

Yes, sir.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Were you watching porn on a laptop? Your friends phone? What are we talking about?

Robert Stewart

My phone. It died a couple times, so I had to recharge it.

Dedrick Flynn

Did you have a place at the time?

Robert Stewart

Yes, it was Halloween night. And I got high as and everybody was like, hey, do you want to go to this costume party? And I was like no. And then his mom was home, so I snuck up in his attic and was just beating it, you know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow.

Teresa

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

Stressed like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Just gooning. What were you for Halloween that year?

Robert Stewart

Depressed. Tony. Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

In an attic for 13 hours. I'm pretty sure you were Anne Frank. Very exciting.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Did you end up. This is only on this show. Do you hear questions like this? Did you end up climaxing after the 13 hour masturbation session? Do you remember what it was that finally made you go boom?

Robert Stewart

It was like a volcano. But three days later I was itching so bad I thought I had gave myself athlete's penis from scratching my foot. Masturbating.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It was terrible.

Robert Stewart

I had to go to the clinic over it. Turns out it's not a thing.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You answered a totally different question than what I asked athletes penis. By the way, if you had that on your kill Tony bingo card, you bet $1 on prize picks that the words athlete's penis would be said. Like one word. You just won a billion dollars, everybody.

Brian Redban

I was probably just asbestos or something like that.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Were you around like all the pink shit? Our senior addict jerk off correspondent Brian Redban is here everybo he knows. If you hit the old itchy penis after a 13 hour attic jerk off session, it's probably asbestos.

Robert Stewart

It was not fiberglass. No, it was not.

Jake Stewart

Okay.

Brian Redban

All right.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Robert, do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that can like jump rope through your own arms if they're connected somehow, right? Like, what is your special skill?

Robert Stewart

Masturbating for long periods of time, I guess.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow, so you do that a lot, huh?

Robert Stewart

No, not so so much anymore. I'm 30, 35 now. It doesn't last as long.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, you don't look a day over 55.

Robert Stewart

Thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I appreciate it. You only have one. One kid. 13.

Robert Stewart

Yeah, it's just one kid I stopped.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, now what do you think he's going to say when he sees daddy? Let me see what you do. You chased your dreams, dad. You chased your dreams like you told me I should. Can I see what you did? And you talk about how you're pro life unless it's your kid. You're basically saying you wish you got an abortion, your charges expunged. And you're very well versed in Narcotics anonymous. And you jerked off in an attic for 13 hours. You have three assaults and batteries and you love Meth and benzos. What do you think your 13 year old boy? Oh, I gotta leave school now.

Miles Johnson

Hey dad, how was kill Tony?

Robert Stewart

I just. I teach my son honesty so he's used to the crazy shit.

Fuzzy Kilge

Honesty?

Tony Hinchcliffe

This kid is masturbating in an attic right now. What's going on?

Miles Johnson

I learned it from you dad.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm gonna be your record dad.

Joel Lindley

I'm sorry.

Drew Nickens

So close.

Tony Hinchcliffe

The boys one for 14 hours. By God, he's jerking off like an animal. All right. Robert Stewart, I like your style. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pool tonight. There's a medium sized joke book but you can tell your 13 year old it's a big one. He doesn't know any different. Appreciate you. All right. You guys get it. It's a crazy show. Anything can happen. Your next. Oh my God. There she is. Live in the flesh. You've seen her on YouTube. She's even prettier in person. The great Heidi, everybody. Hello there. You know, anywhere worth going this summer is better in comfortable boots. And for me that means to Covas. Whenever I pull on my to Covas, there's an instant boost of confidence. As if I need it anymore. They look sharp and feel incredibly premium. What separates Tacoba's from the rest is that every single pair is handcrafted using over 200 meticulous steps, giving you broken in comfort right out of the box. No brutal break in period here, just instant all day comfort red band.

Brian Redban

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Tony Hinchcliffe

That's the best. They are the best. Right now you can get 10% off@tovas.com Kil Tony when you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off. @t c o v.comKiltoni tovas.comKiltoni C site for details to bobas point your toes.

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Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen. Goes by the name of Eddie Lursa. Everyone. It's Eddie.

Eddie Larsa

Oh, happy to be here. Had a weird day. Found a guy jerking off my mom's attic for a while. I also used to be a drug addict, but y' all could tell. Yeah. I don't have this spoon tattooed on my arm because I really fucking love soup, dude. And sometimes when I talk about it, people want to ask me if I ever did any gay stuff for drugs. I'm always just like, yo, where are you guys getting your drugs? I've never seen $100 a gram or five kisses. Then that's the only addiction people are comfortable asking that for, too.

Miles Johnson

Right?

Eddie Larsa

Like, you'd never go up to a big guy eating a Twinkie and be like, say, brother, did you suck a dick for that thing today or what?

Drew Nickens

No.

Eddie Larsa

Also, there's no drug that makes you gay. I've done them all. You were already gay. It might just so happen that cocaine is the key to your closet, queen. Like, I don't know about y'.

Teresa

All.

Eddie Larsa

I've never gone out with the homies to pick up women. Done a couple lines and been like, actually, boys, do we even need them right now? That's my time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Thank you, Eddie Larsa, making what I do believe is your Kill Tony debut.

Eddie Larsa

This is my fourth time on actually.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Fourth time on. Wow.

Ty Nguyen

Perfect.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Very memorable. No, I'm kidding. He must have a new haircut.

Eddie Larsa

I didn't have this ridiculous haircut before.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That is amazing. What made you want to do that exactly?

Eddie Larsa

I got this haircut a year ago as a joke, actually. And I kept it because this is true. Every single day since then, at least one black dude's told me it's dope real.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You do that so that birds would stop landing on your head.

Eddie Larsa

No, I got one in there right now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's what it looks like. Looks like. It looks like the stuff they put on the top of little ledges outside of restaurants and whatnot.

Eddie Larsa

Just trying to look like the coolest PE teacher on the January 6th subreddit is all.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Amazing. What do you do for a living, Eddie Larsa?

Eddie Larsa

I part time bartend and then produce shows and, you know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How long you been doing stand up?

Eddie Larsa

Almost three years now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And tell us about the drugs you were on. This is a very drug heavy episode so far. But we're gonna keep the ball going because that's what you talked about the ent entire set.

Eddie Larsa

Yeah, I mean, I was. Drinking was my number one thing. Like that always led to the drugs.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you sober now?

Eddie Larsa

Sober? Yeah, for almost three years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is it tough being a part time bartender while staying sober?

Eddie Larsa

No, it's actually not. At first it was, but now, to be honest, drunk people just like when I'm behind the bar, it makes me not want to drink ever again.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What's your trick to getting sober? What was it? What was your bottom?

Eddie Larsa

Which one? I. Well, I went to rehab and then it took like two and a half years to get sober.

Tony Hinchcliffe

After you went to rehab for alcohol?

Eddie Larsa

Alcohol and cocaine.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Nice. There you go.

Eddie Larsa

And then I got out, I was sober off and on. And I mean, the trick is just kind of sad. I just kind of got tired of being sad and trying to kill myself. So I was like, maybe I'll stop now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Perfect. All right, Miles Johnson, what's the longest you've masturbated for? Good question.

Eddie Larsa

Definitely not 14 hours, dude. Maybe five minutes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There you go.

Eddie Larsa

On cocaine, I'm an efficiency kind of guy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow, Eddie, what do you.

Dedrick Flynn

That's impressive.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is that not impressive? Impressive in the way that. What? It's short? Your dick doesn't get hard on coke?

Eddie Larsa

No, I mean, you can masturbate for a long time on coke, but I mean, nothing's really going to happen.

Dedrick Flynn

I don't think you goon like that.

Uncle G

For real, bro.

Dedrick Flynn

This guy's a fake.

Robert Stewart

Gooner.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Eddie Ler. So what do you do for fun now? Now that you're not drinking and doing blow?

Eddie Larsa

Dude, it's. I know you hate this answer, but mostly just stand up, right? Like, it's actually one thing you said one time. Somebody was up here talking about how they didn't do you know how it is? Like they were off and on for 10 years and you were like, no, I was obsessed with this. I slept in my car behind the Comedy Store because that's what. What I want to do. And that's really all I have time for. I go to work, I go to the gym. But that's more just.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What do you do at the gym exactly? Tell us what a guy with your build is doing at the gym. What exactly are you just getting protein

Eddie Larsa

shakes and then trying not to let the girls see me check them out for the most part, like every other guy at the gym. I mean, just normal.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Do you get like the. The. The pink. The pink weights and like, go.

Miles Johnson

Like,

Eddie Larsa

only when nobody's looking.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Dude, Eddie, what else? Do you have a girlfriend or a wife or something?

Eddie Larsa

No, I haven't dated since I stopped drinking. It's way different not drinking and trying to take women out. There's only so many coffees you can go get before you shit yourself with a girl.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So when's the last time you were on a date with a girl? Ballpark.

Eddie Larsa

Three years ago or so, I guess.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Three years ago.

Eddie Larsa

I haven't dated since I've been in Austin.

Tony Hinchcliffe

No random one night?

Eddie Larsa

Well, I went to one date, a coffee date with a girl when I first moved here. And I was like, doing the apps and. And I was like, I don't want to waste my time doing this.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And how did that date go? Not good.

Eddie Larsa

She said I seemed like I needed to figure some things out.

Tony Hinchcliffe

She said that after just an hour or two with you?

Eddie Larsa

Hour and a half, maybe.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Did you have that haircut at the time?

Eddie Larsa

I did not. I did.

Dedrick Flynn

No.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's where you went wrong.

Eddie Larsa

I know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Should have let her know the old bristle head was ready for action up there.

Eddie Larsa

This thing. This thing is a magnet, buddy. Let me tell you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. A lot of people want to date an electric toothbrush. So, Eddie, I'm just trying to figure out something compelling because your answer to what do you do other than stand up? Was stand up. I mean, there must be something you must have.

Fuzzy Kilge

I mean, I play.

Eddie Larsa

I play online poker a little bit. Not great at it. Wow, that's.

Joel Lindley

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Eddie Larsa

Yeah. I mean, I really don't. Unfortunately, I stop laughing like that.

Dedrick Flynn

Why?

Robert Stewart

It's like.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's so funny. Plays online poker and he sucks. I spend my nights losing money pretty much. Oh, it's amazing. Amazing. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Eddie? Larsa.

Eddie Larsa

Three years ago, I think.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Three years. You know what?

Eddie Larsa

Literally haven't done anything.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You know what? I find that to be unacceptable. Keno, give me some red lights here.

Dedrick Flynn

Is.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is there a girl out there in this Audi? We have the best fan base in the world, I'm sure. And I'm looking out there. There are some hot chicks just wasted on ketamine in this crowd. Is there a girl out there in this crowd that wants to come out and give this guy a real Austin kiss? He's been sober for three years. Yeah, you might cut your hand on the top of his head, but it has to be. You have to recommend yourself. Nobody hate his haircut. Nobody. Not a. Okay, There's a. There's one guy that wants to do it. She's not raising her own hand. There's a lot of girls that want their own friends to. Sarah's not doing it. Sarah's around. She doesn't mean it. Sarah's trying to be. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, here she comes. Everyone.

Ty Nguyen

We're doing.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We have a real person. Wow, that's amazing. Representing the USA tonight. She's wearing a USA jersey. Eddie, you ready for your first real kiss in the lifetime? Here she is.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Do you believe in miracles? Ladies and gentlemen, usa. Usa. Usa. Here we go. That's amazing. Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible.

Fuzzy Kilge

Wait, miss, come back up here.

Drew Nickens

It's been four years for me,

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, Eddie. Fun times. Here's a medium sized joke book. Thank you for signing up. Thank you, Eddie. Larsa. Beautiful kiss from a beautiful angel. Here we go. Your next bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Fumio Flores. Everybody, here comes Fumio.

Fuzzy Kilge

Florence

Tony Hinchcliffe

Ay Way Austin.

Fumio Flores

My name is Fumio. I'm from El Paso, Texas. Fuck way I go to utep, I'm a UTEP minor now. Sitting in class way, I'm like, why the fuck are we called the UTEP minors? It makes no sense. And I came to a conclusion. It's because our football team gets molested every weekend.

Chris Longoria

Way.

Fumio Flores

They fucking suck. They play Texas, bro. And they got. And it sucks because I'm from El Paso, you know, there's like, they're deporting my cousins and shit, right? I'm over here. Like, we're deporting the wrong people. We should deport the fucking running back, the fucking coach. Send them back where they come from, like Florida, North Carolina. Because at least my Mexican cousins, they can touch down in America. The girls from utep, dog, they're a bunch of gold diggers, bro. They only want me for my FASSA money. Thank you, guys. My name is Fumio.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Fumio. Wow. I mean, what is that? Why do you say way all the time?

Fumio Flores

It's like my filler word because, like, Mexicans use the N word, but I use way because I'm like, polite,

Jake Stewart

right?

Uncle G

Way.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Checking in with my Mexicans over here. You say way a lot.

Fumio Flores

It's like an El Paso thing, dude. It's like beer.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is that where you're from originally? El Paso?

Fumio Flores

I was born in east la, but I. I was like, my mind spawned in El Paso.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's bonded.

Fumio Flores

Yeah. Like my conscience. Like my conscience.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I was like, how old were you? When you were in El Paso?

Fumio Flores

How old? Like, my mom moved from when I was like 3 years old. So I have no memory of East LA.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That makes sense.

Fumio Flores

I was born there.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We know that. Yeah, we got that. Okay. Fumio, what do you do for work? What cell phone stand do you work at? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Fumio Flores

I'm not that smart.

Dedrick Flynn

Nah, nah, nah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

No way. No way.

Fumio Flores

I have. I have three jobs. I work for, like, I'm an account manager for Massive Tickets. I also do like. I work for utep. I do like, their event centers and whatnot. I move chairs and I. I mean, comedy is like, technically. Because I've been getting paid recently. So it's like, yes. I'm like, moving up.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Who's been paying you?

Fumio Flores

Who? Javi? Like, just El Paso Crew. Javi Balon.

Robert Stewart

Oh, no.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You got it. We had. You had us at Javi. We don't need a last name. We understood immediately. You have one guy fooled. I love it. Javi's out there giving away his lunch money. He's getting bullshit bullied by east la.

Fumio Flores

He's awesome. He gives us opportunity. So, like, yeah, okay.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love it. Let's check in with Miles Johnson.

Teresa

You.

Dedrick Flynn

You said you work for Master Ticket?

Uncle G

No.

Fumio Flores

Massive tickets. It's like Eventbrite, but like, it's more catered to. Like comedy. It's more niche. It's awesome. Like, we.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Massive tickets. Yeah. Slave fights. There's Slave fight. You buy them at Massa Tickets.

Dedrick Flynn

All these mandingos are going crazy way. No Django on chain.

Fumio Flores

Wait, Holy shit.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Other than having three jobs, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you?

Fumio Flores

Oh, dude, I go. I don't have insurance. I go to Juarez.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You go to what?

Fumio Flores

Juarez, Mexico. Ciudad Juarez.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, my God. You go to Mexico for your health care? What?

Fumio Flores

Yeah, dude are way better than the ones in Americans. Like America, they're just a bunch of Indians. You go to Juarez? At least I understand them in Spanish.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You know what I mean?

Fuzzy Kilge

What do you mean? They're just a bunch of Indians.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm so sorry way. Dude, he's so sorry way. What are you studying at utep? I know it's not English.

Fumio Flores

Oh, yeah. I failed French. But I'm the digital media production major.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Perfect.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You took French?

Fumio Flores

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Say some stuff in French.

Fumio Flores

Bonjour.

Dedrick Flynn

Wanna bag?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Get. Wait, dude, I.

Fumio Flores

My.

Ty Nguyen

I'm so sorry.

Fumio Flores

I barely passed with the sea dog.

Joel Lindley

I just.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We know that is not breaking news to us. Fumio, what's your love life like? You have any Little. Little.

Fumio Flores

I have a wonderful, wonderful girlfriend at home. She's awesome.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is she. Is she Latina as well?

Uncle G

Of course.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. Absolutely. What does she do for work?

Fumio Flores

What does she. She doesn't work. She goes to school at Las Cruces.

Uncle G

Okay.

Fumio Flores

And she studies like the same thing as me. We're trying to like, work for like, Netflix Albuquerque.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. Okay. You have any special tricks in the bedroom with her?

Joel Lindley

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You seem like a guy that loves making love way.

Fumio Flores

I actually do.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Uncle G

Miss.

Fumio Flores

Miss Sophia. Mr. Juan.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm sorry, who. Who are those people you're apologizing to?

Fumio Flores

Her parents.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wait.

Ty Nguyen

Oh, okay.

Fuzzy Kilge

Okay.

Fumio Flores

I'm safe. I'm safe. No worries. You're safe.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hell yeah. He went to Juarez. Got everything cleared up.

Fumio Flores

Yes, yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So what's a special move that you do in the bedroom? How do you keep this woman pleased?

Eddie Larsa

How?

Fumio Flores

I just pick her up, dude. I'm. She's like, skinnier than me. I'm like pudgy, but, like, she's skinnier and I can like. I don't know, dude. We just do the shit way, you know what I mean? Whatever happens, we like have Love island in the background. We just do it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hell yeah. Absolutely. That's the trick nowadays. You have to have Love island on in the background. Everybody knows, knows that you've been doing it wrong the whole time. Red Band.

Brian Redban

Yeah, I just watched an episode of that shitty show.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Like, that's a horrible show.

Fumio Flores

I love it. It's hot people zoo. It's just. It's hot People zoo.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Like, okay, Fumio, what do you get in your seven dollar Taco bell box?

Fumio Flores

No, I don't get like seven dollars. I'm from El Paso, bro. Like, we got tacos by the dozen. You go to El Cometa, you get you some flautas. Okay?

Tony Hinchcliffe

I see Carlos Sosa nodding his head over there. You had him hypnotized for a second. He snapped out of it. He saw me looking. I caught him, he saw me looking at him and he started laughing. But there was a moment there where he's like, I'm beans.

Jake Stewart

Hell yeah.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah,

Tony Hinchcliffe

whatever. I love it. I love it. You're 100% Latino?

Fumio Flores

Yes, sir. I'm like, kind of Japanese. Like, my grandpa's Japanese. I have a step Japanese grandpa. I'm named after him.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What's his name?

Fumio Flores

Fumio Hayashi. And I'm Fumio Flores. Oh, my God, he's awesome, bro. He, like, helped my family out. Like, he'd like, treated my grandma like the queen, you know, so Fuck yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. Amazing. Look at that. Fumio, you have any hobbies or special skills or talents?

Fumio Flores

I can't sing.

Tony Hinchcliffe

But can you whistle? Do you have a good Mexican whistle?

Fumio Flores

I think I got a guito.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Let's try.

Fumio Flores

Can I do it?

Uncle G

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Mexico law. Very good. Mexicans are dying in the streets. Very good, Fumio.

Fumio Flores

Very good.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You are indeed leaving here with a medium joke book. There goes Fumio Flores, everybody. Fumio.

Ty Nguyen

Fumio.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Put the Fumio. Put that back where you found it. Arigato. Way you have. This episode is sponsored by Bluechew. Guys, stop treating sex like a side quest. Some of you are barely showing up in the bedroom. No passion, no drama, no bed frame fighting for its life. Your neighbors think you're in there building legos or folding laundry and watching YouTube videos that feature amazing comedy shows. Well, that ends right now.

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Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, we're having fun in here. These bucket pools are wild tonight. Make some noise for the next one. It's a one word, name it, it's Teresa. Everybody.

Teresa

Who's ever fucked an illegal. The younger the better, right? I like fucking illegals. Because if the relationship goes bad, you don't even have to block them. You can call them and say, the relationship has gone south and so are you. We freed the slaves. When are we going to free the N word,

Miles Johnson

Y'?

Robert Stewart

All.

Teresa

My pussy's soaking wet tonight. Any wet pussies?

Tony Hinchcliffe

What a wet.

Teresa

My pussy is soaking wet with period blood. You think black girls have regular periods? Or they on time? Are they late?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Teresa, everybody. Teresa. Hey. You're going for it. That's for sure. You're going for it. Theresa, how long you been doing stand up?

Teresa

Three years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love it. Where at? What part of El Paso exactly?

Teresa

No.

Tony Hinchcliffe

San Antonio?

Teresa

No, here in Austin.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. Is this where you're originally from?

Teresa

I was born in Malaysia, raised in Seattle.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. How long ago did you move to Austin?

Teresa

Four years ago.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And you're Malaysian?

Teresa

Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right. And you were in. When. How old were you when you moved to Seattle?

Teresa

Like a year old.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, okay. Perfect. Amazing. It's like Fumio. He moved El Paso when he was three. Little fun fact for you.

Teresa

Thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You guys will be on a show together real soon. Javi's gonna pay you well. Let's check in with Miles Johnson.

Dedrick Flynn

You're fucking Asian.

Teresa

I'm half Chinese.

Dedrick Flynn

No mama is with.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So you're half Chinese, half white? Half white. Half Chinese, half white.

Teresa

I'm not. No. Do I look Mexican from back there?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yep. Oh, yeah.

Teresa

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I think we all thought that, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Fumio left so much Latino energy on that stage that I think everyone kind of looks Mexican right now.

Teresa

I'm Mexican on the inside.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I bet you are. So, Teresa, what do you do for a living?

Teresa

Well, after I got fired from being on the show last time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You got fired because you were on Kiltoni?

Teresa

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Why'd you get fired?

Teresa

Well, I said a lot of wild shit, and I worked in education, so.

Eddie Larsa

Wow.

Teresa

Now I'm Mexican. I'm a landscaper. I clean houses and, you know, Mexican shit.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What kind of landscaping are you doing?

Teresa

Doing? Well, I. I don't want to say where I work, you know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, definitely don't say where you work. I can't get fire. Like, what do you do? You mow lawns?

Teresa

I like water plants and, you know, just make sure they stay alive.

Uncle G

Okay. Yeah.

Teresa

Keep them wet.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love it. All right. Do you have a boyfriend right now?

Teresa

I do, yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What does he do for work?

Teresa

He doesn't have a job. Oh, he's a Mexican Without a job. But he stays. He's working on it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Teresa

Boo him.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How long have you been with him?

Teresa

I've been with him for a month and a half, and he doesn't love me. But he Me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What do you mean he doesn't love you? Let's talk.

Teresa

He doesn't love me. He just doesn't do that. Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You asked him. You're like, do you love me? Okay, long time.

Teresa

Well, his roommate, he's been with a girl for three weeks, and they're, like, planning how many kids they're having and, you know, what size vehicle and everything, so.

Tony Hinchcliffe

His roommate's also Latino.

Teresa

He's Italian.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, wow.

Teresa

Shout out, Enzo.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Shout out. What?

Teresa

His name's Vincenzo. He goes by Enzo.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Teresa

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right. So he's been with a girl for three weeks. They're planning kids already. Okay. So that's gonna. That's perfect. That's gonna go great. And you're jealous of Enzo. Yes, the roommate, because he loves his girl so much that he just met. And you're sitting at about twice as long. You're about 6, 7 weeks with your guy, and you're upset that he doesn't love you?

Teresa

Well, I was engaged after a month with a Mexican.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So why are you doing this? What are you doing?

Teresa

Well, I did come right out of a psych ward at that time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, how did. What made you go into a psych ward? How did you know you were ready for a psych ward?

Teresa

Well, the people around me were telling me that I did shrooms for the first time, and it was too much.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah. Okay. And so can you take us through that? Like, what happened? What were some signs? What do you know what I'm asking you? Like, what were you doing that your friends were like, you should get help?

Teresa

Well, I also don't spell very well. I had a sign I wanted to tell people I was a rapist. I spelled that wrong.

Miles Johnson

But.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Why would you do that? Why would you.

Teresa

I was insane. Off the freaking drugs, man.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So you wrote a sign. That's your goal, was to say I'm a rapist?

Teresa

No, I wanted to say I was a rapper, which I'm not. Please don't ask me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

But why would you. Okay. Wow. Look how many dumb are out there. She's not a rapper.

Teresa

Yeah, I was like. I was running around naked doing cartwheels. You know, There you go.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I was also the answer to the question from two minutes ago. Naked cartwheels goes as the answer to going into a psych ward. Very good. Okay. Well, Teresa, this is exciting. So now you're a landscaper and house cleaner. House cleaner, yeah. Amazing. And you're not Mexican?

Teresa

I'm not.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Fuzzy Kilge

And you, you like saying the N word or what's. Is that why you were a rapper or what's going on with that?

Teresa

No, I actually really rarely, like,

Miles Johnson

like, you know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You rarely what?

Teresa

I rarely, you know, let it slip Right when.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Give us an example of a time that you've said the N word. This is very exciting to hear a Chinese person talk about dropping an N bomb.

Teresa

You know, just singing a song. Oh, yeah, singing a rap song, you know, sometimes.

Brian Redban

Okay.

Fuzzy Kilge

It's your filler word. You just gotta say way instead.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

Okay, you're safe.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Before I let you go, let's go through this. What is the. What do you think is the most Chinese thing about you since you're half Chinese?

Teresa

Oh, most Chinese thing about me? My mom doesn't love me because I'm fat.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Uh huh. That's a good one. You are correct. That checks out. Does your mom have a wacky Malaysian name that she calls you? I've learned that by studying Asians that they all have a white name like you, Teresa, but then their parents call them a very Asian name. What does your Asian mother call you?

Teresa

Well, I can't pronounce my middle name.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You can't pronounce it? Okay, what's that? Try.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How's it spelled?

Teresa

J E N C H E, N. Wow.

Uncle G

Heck yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There, that'll count. We'll count that as the. Is that what your mom calls you?

Teresa

No.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What does she call you?

Teresa

She rarely calls me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Got it. All right, Teresa, you are the fourth comedian in a row leaving with a medium choke book. Here you go. Very good, Teresa. There goes Teresa. A bunch of dirty, dirty jokes. If she keeps doing it, she's gonna get good at that. She's going for it. She's got balls. Takes balls to do an N word joke, a slave joke, an illegal joke, a period wet pussy joke.

Dedrick Flynn

She was looking right at me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

She did a little point.

Dedrick Flynn

She was like, God damn it, there's a black guy up there.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everybody. Here we go. Oh, shit.

Joel Lindley

Oh, you're struggling. I'm having a hard, tough week. Got kicked out of a casino last night playing blackjack. There's a guy playing next to me with a prosthetic arm. Hey, buddy, haven't you lost enough? You don't appear to be the lucky type. I'm a practical joker. I love this. I go to a gun shop, ask to see some handguns. They'll lace them across the counter. I'll pick one up and go, hmm, Nah. Let me see that one. Oh, that feels good. That look good to you?

Jake Stewart

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

You wrap that up for me. Oh, and give me one bullet. That's right. I'm gonna charge that. I was like, ah, we're gonna need cash for that. I'm like, fine, fuck it. I'll pay cash. But now I want two bullets. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Miles Johnson

Thank you.

Joel Lindley

Thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

My God, Joel, you were just on. Am I correct?

Uncle G

I am.

Joel Lindley

What?

Tony Hinchcliffe

You were just on this show.

Joel Lindley

I was just on last week. I feel like, oh, my God. I've been unbelievable, man. I feel like this. I was wanting to say this last time. I didn't know if I got it out. I feel like after 40 years in the minor leagues.

Tony Hinchcliffe

40 years.

Joel Lindley

I mean, the major leagues tonight.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, you are. You're a very, like.

Joel Lindley

That's it, bro. This is the.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're signing up.

Joel Lindley

I'm up in here. I came here a month ago. Yeah, I mean, I expected. I'll make. Man. I'll wait two years. If it took me two years to come here, I'll wait two years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I mean, you don't have money. You just did it. You did it. I mean, there was a guy earlier that can't believe he got on, he signed up, and then here you are two weeks in a row.

Joel Lindley

I would have dressed dividend. I said, well, they're not going to pick me two weeks in a row. So I didn't really dress appropriately, but it's fine.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So let's talk about it. Joel, what did we not cover last week that you think might be interesting to talk about?

Joel Lindley

Well, I think it's interesting that I lost my best friend John Mulroney, who was a legend, as you probably remember, at the Comedy Store. We were supposed to.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I don't actually remember him, but I remember Brian Holtzman, who recently mentioned John Mulroney slipped on ice and died.

Fuzzy Kilge

Well, that's one way to die from ice.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. That's right.

Joel Lindley

We're all afraid of black ice.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Black ice, that's right. Absolutely. Except for Miles here. He's one of the good ones.

Dedrick Flynn

Don't worry. You guys are cool.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. So what about John Mulrooney?

Joel Lindley

Well, he. We were supposed to move here together. He was excited about coming down here and moving here, and he didn't make it. But I came, and that Was.

Fuzzy Kilge

I think.

Joel Lindley

That's interesting. I don't know. He's a legend, the guy. And he loved what was going on here.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

In Texas and what you guys were doing here.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

Couldn't be a part of it, but.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I can't remember what we talked about last week. Have you been married before?

Joel Lindley

No, I have no kids. My mom has been telling me you should have a family.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is your mom still alive? Yes, she is amazing.

Joel Lindley

She's doing great. Mom's 89.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow, 89. Look at that. Ethel is her name. Ethel Joyce Joyce.

Joel Lindley

89 years old. No, she is healthy. She has a younger boyfriend. Still shaves her.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Absolutely incredible.

Joel Lindley

How fucking cute is that?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Absolutely incredible.

Uncle G

Still.

Joel Lindley

That's great. She's got the Runway. Those legs look like a snow covered Runway.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're a funny guy, Joel.

Joel Lindley

No, my mom. I'm serious.

Tony Hinchcliffe

She works, you know, she's still expecting you to have kids. How old are you, Joel?

Joel Lindley

I'm 59, but I read at a third grade level.

Ty Nguyen

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Amazing.

Joel Lindley

It's good for your skin.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Pretty sure you're the smartest guy that's been on this show so far tonight.

Joel Lindley

I was in special ed, though.

Uncle G

That's true.

Joel Lindley

I was a slow learner, apparently.

Teresa

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, look at you now. You're absolutely crushing it. You're 59. Have you gotten your sperm count checked lately?

Joel Lindley

I don't have to. I got a vasectomy at 32. My gift to the world.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You got a vasectomy at 32?

Joel Lindley

You're welcome.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow.

Joel Lindley

There's a true story. A girl that was trying to get pregnant. I found out she was trying to get pregnant through a friend of hers. And I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go get a vasectomy because I want to keep fucking her and I really don't want to have kids. And they're reversible, so I did that. She. She took me to get it. She thought I was getting my colonoscopy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, that's brilliant. And then you just blasted inside of her.

Joel Lindley

Oh, yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're done with her?

Joel Lindley

Oh, yeah. She was trying hard. I mean, I'd be in the shower, I look in the bedroom, she's not gupping her legs in the air.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, my God. Look at that. The 80s were crazy, people. Life was crazy in the 80s.

Drew Nickens

Damn.

Joel Lindley

Well, yeah. I'm old enough to remember. We didn't have bisexual girls. Or dice.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. That's all there was.

Joel Lindley

That's all there was.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Right. They were manly women.

Joel Lindley

Absolutely.

Tony Hinchcliffe

They weren't. They weren't going trans back then?

Uncle G

Hell no.

Tony Hinchcliffe

They just played dress up and cut their hair. That was it. They weren't getting any operations. They weren't trying to turn their into a wiener.

Joel Lindley

That's it. I get called transphobic. People call me transphobic because I don't date transgenders.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, yeah.

Joel Lindley

I mean, kind of like more of a meddler trust, isn't it? I mean, if you're willing to cut off your own penis, why in the world would I trust you with mine?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Brilliant. Joel, you are fantastic. This guy's got 40 years of jokes pent up inside of him. Thank you. One elder Joel.

Fumio Flores

Tell us.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm single and I hate being single.

Fumio Flores

Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, tell us.

Miles Johnson

I'm at that age now, you know,

Joel Lindley

I just want to meet a nice girl, settle down, start cheating on her.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love this fucking guy. What else, Joel? Tell me more.

Miles Johnson

It's time.

Joel Lindley

Oh, I dated a model.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

One of the heavier models for the larger size clothes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Uh huh.

Joel Lindley

You've probably seen her. She's very successful. Her name's before you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Son of a bitch. Joel. You get me Every time.

Joel Lindley

I love big women.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

I'm a big guy. I love big women. But this bitch was too damn big.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah.

Ty Nguyen

How?

Tony Hinchcliffe

How big was.

Joel Lindley

We couldn't even have sex, man. Every time she got on top of me, I'd tap out.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wait, then what?

Joel Lindley

I couldn't get on top of her. I'm afraid of heights.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, my God. He did it again. Joel's got the joke. Joel's got the joke.

Joel Lindley

Holy. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's amazing. And you were doing comedy back when the Tonight show where people were watching.

Joel Lindley

I got rejected from the Tonight Show.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Your mom. Your mom's the last person watching Jimmy Kimmel.

Uncle G

Yeah.

Joel Lindley

Yeah, my mom's woke. She's woke.

Dedrick Flynn

Is she?

Tony Hinchcliffe

My mom is too.

Joel Lindley

It's crazy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, it's crazy. They think they have it all figured out because they're watching the local news, but thinking, yeah, it's bought and paid for, they have no idea. They can't fathom that what they're seeing isn't real. It's crazy, isn't it?

Joel Lindley

My mom believes if you don't hate Donald Trump, you're a bad person.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, no, I know.

Joel Lindley

That's it. I know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I told Trump when I met him that my mom hates him. We high fived and laughed about it. You're the man, dude. What can I say? You have joke. You have jokes built up inside of you.

Teresa

You.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, I got you're doing it. I wish these goddamn kids would understand that the interview part of the show is an opportunity to continue to be funny. You get it? You're out here putting on a clinic. You're from a whole different era. But I love it.

Eddie Larsa

You're.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're living the dream, dude. Two weeks in a row is, like, really crazy rare. So the comedy gods are looking down upon you.

Joel Lindley

Yep. And how many guys in general? Rooney.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And John. You probably took John Mulroney one of John's spots. Yeah. He probably would have gotten up this week instead of you. Well, look at him.

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Tony Hinchcliffe

He really slipped up. No more Mr. Ice Guy.

Joel Lindley

Who knows? I may have killed him.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, could have. Yeah, that's pretty genius. I like that. Anything to make it on top.

Joel Lindley

Could be me.

Uncle G

That.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. Could be you. The freeze is coming.

Joel Lindley

There's already enough. What is that? 200 comics out there? Holy shit.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, you're beating the odds.

Joel Lindley

Well, thank you again.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, you got a big joke book last week, right?

Joel Lindley

I did.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, there you go. Keep filling it up. No need for another one. Joel Lindley, ladies and gentlemen. You know, know, it's funny how your priorities change when you're younger. You're worried about making rent or surviving a bad comedy set. Then one day you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one. That's why I like what Ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes. ethos.com kill Tony Redban. You need life insurance.

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Dedrick Flynn

We need Hans Kim and some chopsticks, folks.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the history of the show. And it is time for us to bring up one of the brilliant regulars. It is not easy doing a brand new minute every single week on this show. Expectations are high. Everybody thinks they can do it. They can't. It's not easy. But this man can. He does over a minute every single week of new material, Ladies and gentlemen. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

Your boy fresh out the bento box. Yeah, that was me on that AI video getting arrested in Japan. I did that. They took it away from me. But now I'm back in the greatest country in the world. United States of America. God, I love it. What I don't like is when I landed, like, I feel like this country is getting way too soft. Like, there's people online trying to talk shit about me going to jail. But that's not even the first time I went to jail. So I wasn't that worried about it, nor was anybody who loved me. Cause everybody who I've met in my entire life went to jail. Like, that's where you go to become a stronger person. And I knew it was a weak ass nigga comment. Cause he was using non gangster words to say what happened. He was like, dedrick, you just squandered your opportunity. Whatever that means, my nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even. It's the first time I squandered. And then I started. I started noticing that this country is getting weak. We got it tightened up. Cause I went to go look for a car, and this is the first time my license been good. I finally got my license back good. So I went to go look for a car, but then I got upset and I left. Because as soon as he showed me the first car, he's trying to sell me the car. He's like, hey, sir, this car has automatic windshield wipers. Nigga, who is that for? Is this country so weak we don't know what the fuck rain looks like? Is this country so trash that driving that? Y' all don't know what to do when the rain starts, you hit the woo, woo, woo. It's not. It's right by. Listen, I get it if you don't know your turn signal. I don't know what my turn signal is either. But my n. I've never been in a shambles being like, oh, it's raining. What do I do? If only technology would take over that. Dis you think jail is hard, my nigga? Let me tell you about my life. You ever drove around with no ac, right? No ac, no power steering, with manual windows going down the interstate when it start raining? Nigga, it's not. That's the first thing you turn on. Now you gotta reach back and manually roll up all four windows while still going 75 miles a fucking hour. But you can't roll them up all the way because then the steam will come up and you can't see. It look like a crab boil, right? It look like a crab boil in your car. So everybody who ain't had AC know you got one shirt you keep on the back seat and then you wipe the window with that shirt. You've never worn that shirt ever again. That's my time. I love y'.

Teresa

All.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Dedrick Flynn. I've been there. I've been there. My defrost went off when I lived in Columbus, Ohio, fresh out of high school for a year. And I had a 20, 15 minute drive down to campus. And I used to have to go fucking Ace Ventura style, head out the window during the winter on the freeway. Just had to. Fucking John Dees is loving this. And that's a real thing. Freezing cold. But yeah, I had the shirt. The wipe only goes so far.

Dedrick Flynn

You'd only get this window. So if something happened over here, then you're up to God.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah. If the guy in the right lane gets in the left lane, you're dead or he's dead.

Dedrick Flynn

You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, Jesus, old school cars, everybody dies.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yep, yep. No doubt,

Brian Redban

no doubt.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love it. I love the squandered thing.

Drew Nickens

That was. What?

Dedrick Flynn

What does that even mean? How do you, like, you squander? Not everybod. Like, I was like Nelson Mandela spent 40 years in jail, and then after that, became the president, my nigga. I said 23 days. That wasn't enough to change me into the President. Like, y' all gotta just let it happen, you know, jail is cool. That's where you get to collect all your thoughts. Like, that's where I got to. Like, after, like the 17th day, I realized I had thought of everything that you could think of. I watched, like. I used to watch, like, movies in my head. Cause, like, the movies are. I used to watch on VHS that I would rewind. I know him verbatim. So if you wanna hear Shrek, my nigga, I could do it anytime. Or like Princess Diaries. And then after the movie, I was like, okay, let me spend some time on myself. So I would gather all 500 niggas that work in my brain, and then I listened to all of them, and then we said, you gotta work harder.

Brian Redban

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah. I wish more people and brains told people that.

Dedrick Flynn

Yeah, well, they got to go to jail, Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We will see. I love that you know the word verbatim, by the way. You use the word verbatim properly there while not knowing what squandered means, because

Dedrick Flynn

they don't even teach. Like, I knew verbat. I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree in ethics and philosophy. But that never said squandered. I didn't know. That's. That's like a big. I didn't know, like, certain words come with opportunities, I guess. I guess you can't really squander a job at Wendy's. I don't think you. I don't think

Tony Hinchcliffe

we got the. We got the boys up here tonight. How about this?

Dedrick Flynn

My dogs. How y' all doing?

Fuzzy Kilge

Nice to see you, brother.

Dedrick Flynn

I thought y' all had on mattress

Fuzzy Kilge

N. They're a little different, but.

Dedrick Flynn

Are those suits y' all already had?

Fuzzy Kilge

No, I got them. I got mine for tonight.

Joel Lindley

Right? You.

Dedrick Flynn

How.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How'd you get the hole in the crotch?

Fuzzy Kilge

I got a little.

Tony Hinchcliffe

He has a hole in his crotch. He told me not to mention it during the show, but what happened when I walked out? There's no way I could squander that opportunity.

Dedrick Flynn

You didn't damn squander your pants.

Robert Stewart

You didn't.

Dedrick Flynn

It's a word.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love it. You guys haven't.

Dedrick Flynn

We're squandered in Spanish, Carlos. See, Mexican niggas don't even squander nothing.

Tony Hinchcliffe

This ain't even.

Dedrick Flynn

This ain't even my word. Only white people can squander and hoodwink and bamboozalize a nigga. Did you make any friends in Japanese jail? Yeah, I made friends with everybody. The cops love me. Everybody. But they didn't speak a lot of English. We only had, like, this device where they do, like, talking the text, like, on a thing. But it didn't work that well, so they had to, like, walk away, speak Japanese. I would put it in and they would, like, roll it down. So I would try to slide in a joke every time. And so every time I did slide in a joke, they'd be like, super comedians,

Joel Lindley

very nice.

Dedrick Flynn

Shit, Nobody even called me a criminal. They just only called me a super comedian every time I was chilling. But, yeah, I did. I made friends. I got a sensei. We started doing like, yeah, I'm doing real good. What are you about to do? You want me to catch it?

Tony Hinchcliffe

No, I'm gonna kill a fly. I'm gonna kill a fly.

Dedrick Flynn

Give me some chopsticks. I'll catch the fly.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You did that. Did you do that in Japanese prison

Dedrick Flynn

where that's the first thing they teach you?

Joel Lindley

Tony

Dedrick Flynn

Brackman, very good at catching a frat. Oh, man, that nigga, he know better than to fly around this motherfucker. This is D madness. I learned how to be blind than a samurai, and I've been waiting to tell you that. I appreciate you being here playing the bass. That's how I am now with comedy. I'm blind to the.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Dedrick, you're absolutely killing it.

Dedrick Flynn

Thank you so much.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You did it again tonight. I love y'.

Chris Longoria

All.

Dedrick Flynn

Thank y' all so much.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dedrick Flynn. Michael, do you prop the door open when you load in your drums?

Uncle G

No.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Trying to figure out how these flies got in here tonight. I know a lot came in with Teresa. They were swarming around Teresa's head. She is on her period. She said she's on her period. The flies are flying tonight, folks. I do believe this next bucket pool is one of the people that arrested Dedrick Flynn by the looks of this name. Make some noise for Ty Nguyen, everybody. It's the return of Ty.

Ty Nguyen

I've been doing stand up comedy for 11 years now, so that means for 11 years, I've been drinking nothing but PBR. Anybody here that drinks shitty beers? We all drink it because we have one thing in common. We're not drinking it for the taste. Same way we don't eat booty for the taste. We do it due to insufficient funds. I'm actually doing better than my older brother. He's a parkour artist. If you don't know what that is, it's the art of throwing all your parents hope and dreams out the window. My little sister, she's the most successful one in the whole entire family. She's a gastrointestinal doctor, and she's so good at her job that she can smell your farts and tell you how many months you Got left. Thank you. Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Ty Win. We've known Ty for a time. Long, long time. All the way since Los Angeles, right?

Ty Nguyen

Austin.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We. We met you in Austin.

Ty Nguyen

Spider House. But y' all did told me to come to Los Angeles.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's right. That's when we were based out of la. We came and did one on the road at Spider House Ballroom.

Ty Nguyen

Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Welcome back.

Ty Nguyen

I'm happy to be here. I sign up because I thought Kanye west would be on the panel.

Dedrick Flynn

Not.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Not tonight. Not tonight.

Ty Nguyen

But still, we have Malcolm X.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Absolutely. Talking about me or Fuzzy.

Ty Nguyen

Hey, I've been watching you guys from backstage, and you guys were quiet as a mouse. What is going on?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Do you want to join panel? Ty, what's going on here?

Ty Nguyen

No, I was like, you know, I don't know. I thought I'd just go up and bust their balls to have something to say.

Joel Lindley

You did.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You just busted their ball.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah. Now they're self conscious. Now they won't even speak. They might as well do sound effects.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What's your fucking problem, Ty?

Ty Nguyen

I mean, just like Kanye west, you should say something controversial and you go viral.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow.

Fuzzy Kilge

What was it like being Dedrick Sensei?

Ty Nguyen

I mean, he eats a lot, he sleep a lot.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, Ty, tell us about your life. What have you been up to? You've been doing stand up for 11 years, but catch us up with the other stuff.

Ty Nguyen

I'm working on a rap album. It's like a mid-90s East coast rap album about stand up comedy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You want to rap right now? Why don't you give Michael a little beat? Make sure he doesn't play it too hard so that people can understand the words that you're saying.

Drew Nickens

This song.

Ty Nguyen

Song is on album. It's a song I wrote 10 years ago.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, wait, let me ask you this. Is it. Is it copyrighted? Because YouTube if it flags on YouTube, because they have robots if they recognize it off of a thing that you've already had it published on.

Ty Nguyen

No, it's not published.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's not published.

Ty Nguyen

It's actually not good enough to be published.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you sure?

Ty Nguyen

Not if I don't roll my Ls.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Ty Nguyen

And they won't catch it yet.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, give. Give Michael the beat. Tell Michael the beat that you want.

Ty Nguyen

I guess I'll just rap and then y' all could do the beat behind me like last time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't seen an Asian from Flugerville rap before, you haven't lived. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ty Win.

Ty Nguyen

So this song is About. You know how when you're hungry and you don't have money to pay for so you have to use what your mom gave you? I got one pussy licking. That's some Church's chicken. When I stick it in her, that's a steak dinner. When I come inside, that's some French fry. Snacking dicks for me, that's a damn good deal. Bottom line is my stomach can't be empty. Cause if I'm hungry then my dick get wimpy. No, I'm not a pimp. I don't need the money. I just want the food. Like a third world country. Order some takeout, then we can't make out. I don't want booty. When I tell you bring them cake out. I'm talking about food. I'm talking about dessert. I'd rather see you cook than I'd rather see you twerk. You wanna turn me on? Turn the oven on. You wanna turn me off? Turn the oven off. You wanna get some dick, Cook me like a champ. You want your booty leg? Get some boots down.

Joel Lindley

Wow.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Ty Nguyen

Hey, I just know Fuzzy had to slang hell no dicks to get that big.

Brian Redban

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You keep going after the pan.

Fuzzy Kilge

What the fuck's the problem, bro?

Ty Nguyen

I thought we were friends until y' all made it. Y' all on the panel. Y' all never reached back. You never asked me to be on anything at the mother show.

Dedrick Flynn

If I never touched.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I tried to get on the rap,

Dedrick Flynn

you wouldn't let me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I said I have 16 for your ass.

Dedrick Flynn

You left my ass on rad.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, a little quiet now, huh?

Drew Nickens

You.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, look at that.

Ty Nguyen

I was going to say something about Israel, but I thought not for my career sake. Since I'm here, I am looking for more headlining spots.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So I got good news for you. Javi is hiring right now.

Ty Nguyen

What?

Tony Hinchcliffe

There's a guy named Javi who's paying people to do shows?

Ty Nguyen

I got the inside joke based on a previous contestant.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yes. Well, actually, you're very smart, Ty. You let your Asian side out there. And you are correct. There's a guy named Eddie Larsa who's getting paid to do comedy. And he's only been doing it three years and he's getting paid by Javi.

Ty Nguyen

Javi. Is that a cartel mammer?

Tony Hinchcliffe

It might be, yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

Is it?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Ty, what else is going on in life before I get you out of here? Anything else crazy we should know about? Are you in love yet?

Ty Nguyen

I host a weekly Tuesday comedy show at a green room at 8:00pm okay. Yeah. Don't edit that out. Red band. I really need this. And the headlining stop.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's great.

Ty Nguyen

You know how tough it is to be a comedian and try and get headlining spots?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Very much so. No doubt about it. But Ty, you're a very funny man. Do you still have your comedy show at your house every week?

Ty Nguyen

Yeah, every Wednesday at 8pm that's great.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And I'd love to have you on the secret show.

Ty Nguyen

Oh, thank you.

Dedrick Flynn

There you go.

Robert Stewart

Catch up.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Tuesday at the Green room, Wednesday at his house, and Thursday at the secret show. Ty win. Everybody.

Fuzzy Kilge

Everybody.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right. We're really doing it. Red band. We're really doing it. There's the lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness gracious. Have you ever seen anything? What a smoke show. On to the next one, everybody. This looks like a fun name. Goes by the name of Uncle G. Everyone. Here comes Uncle G. I popped my

Uncle G

first cherry when I was 15 years old. I've been slapping ass for 54 fucking years. Had everything from jail bait to myths. These days I'm working for Griffs grandmothers. I'd like to fuck this lady now. She's a great great grandmother. Makes me a great great grandmother. Fucker. No, no, no. She's 69 years old. Y' all told me that day she was a cougar. I said, hell, baby, at your age, you're a saber. 69 years old. But she showed me a sex move. Can't no young woman show you how many y' all ever heard of a sex move called a 138? 138. That's when you have 69 with a 69 year old. I give you slow fuckers time. Do the math.

Dedrick Flynn

My man.

Joel Lindley

Welcome.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Uncle Mother G has arrived to the kil Tony universe. And I love your style. Holy. What part of Louisiana you from?

Uncle G

No, I'm from Atlanta, man. Atlanta. Atlanta.

Tony Hinchcliffe

With a thick accent like that. You said kuga at one point.

Uncle G

I don't. Well, I don't know. I say this like when I'm in Atlanta, I don't have no accent. Damn, y' all do.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow, look at you. You are killing it. Uncle G, how long you been doing standup up?

Uncle G

I started late in life. I didn't start till I was 57.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How old that must have been?

Uncle G

30 years. 68 now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, 62, man. I love it. You're 68. You're killing it. I mean, you get it. You didn't waste any time.

Uncle G

I didn't have no time to waste.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're damn right. You're damn right. I Love it. My God, I love it. You're damn right.

Teresa

Again.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'll say it again. It's another thing I wish. Wish everybody understood when they got pulled out of this bucket and you got come home. Oh, I love this guy. I love you. What have you been doing your whole life? What made you start so late?

Uncle G

I was a mortgage banker. For or banker for Forever.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Did you do good for yourself? You made some money?

Uncle G

Yeah, I'm. I'm sitting on bank.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, I could tell. Those eyebrows went way up your forehead when I asked.

Uncle G

I. I got older and my friends say, said, you dating these women, man, you got to lower your standards. I said that I'm raising my allowance once.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Take us through it. What else? Uncle G, what have you been doing? Tell. Tell us about your life. Give us some fun facts about it.

Uncle G

Well, I. I do motivational speaking on suicide awareness of all things.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You really do.

Uncle G

I had two brothers commit to commit suicide and the third would try. And now I got a book, the Ballad of Uncle G. From suicide survivor to stand up comedian.

Dedrick Flynn

Did.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you serious?

Uncle G

Yeah, I'm doing a lot of good.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. I love that.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Uncle G

Doctor asked me if I suicidal. I said no. But I get homicidal.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Damn right. Yeah, damn right.

Uncle G

But I started dating when I was in rehab.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Tell us about it.

Uncle G

Started dating a schizophrenic. Had to break up with her twice. This is the craziest fucking woman you'll ever meet in your life, y'. All. She had two distinct personalities. One was named she and the other one named Her. She wasn't nothing like her. Fortunately, when I met her, she was in remission. So I take her to dinner one night and damn it, she don't show up. She's into me, but hell, I'm into her. I didn't care. I took him home. I'm in her. She's in the meeting. You ever had a three way with just two people in a fucking room? Finally, I looked at her and said, she gotta go. Her response was, if she goes, I go. I said, yo, both get the fuck out of here.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Uncle G, I'm in love with you. Uncle G, we need some wisdom in this room. My boy it here. This guy right here. These are. This is the two of the funniest upcoming guys in the world. This is Fuzzy right here. Meet Fuzzy.

Fuzzy Kilge

Nice to meet you, Uncle G. Let

Tony Hinchcliffe

me tell you something. A girl left Fuzzy for Drew Nickens. You don't. You don't even want to know, buddy. No, let's talk about. Get back to that microphone. Let's talk about it.

Joel Lindley

You crazy?

Uncle G

I got three ex wives.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, let's talk about these ex wives. Tell us what you've learned, Uncle G. Well, what you learn from these ladies?

Uncle G

I learned quite a bit, actually. I learned how expensive divorce is, y'. All. Three divorces. Between alimony, child support houses. I spent a million two, you know. You know why divorce so expensive?

Robert Stewart

Why?

Uncle G

Cuz it's worth it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love this, man. You guys have been calling me gay for 13 years. I have a confession. Uncle G's my motherfucking man.

Miles Johnson

One more.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You want to get divorced again? Let's do it.

Uncle G

No, no, no. What was it? But I did the math, y'.

Fuzzy Kilge

All.

Uncle G

I was married a total of 40 years. Got laid twice a week. That's 4,000. Piece of ass. Do the math. Cost me $300. Every time I got laid, I done quit buying. I'm renting it.

Fumio Flores

Damn right.

Uncle G

So if any of you ladies won't make $300.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I love this guy.

Joel Lindley

I'll be out front.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hold on. I'm not letting you go just yet.

Uncle G

That ain't prostitution. That's at least with an option to.

Dedrick Flynn

Holy.

Uncle G

You missed me, didn't you?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, I love you. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, Uncle G, because you seem like you know how to please a woman. I want to know. What are some of your tricks? There's a lot of young bucks out here. There's some. There's some young guys. Like I was saying, Fuzzy lost his girl to a guy with brain damage.

Dedrick Flynn

Yeah.

Fuzzy Kilge

I'm gonna need that book.

Uncle G

I'll tell you, like my daddy told me. When you take a woman to dinner for the first date, see how she treats the waitress?

Joel Lindley

Yeah.

Uncle G

And my waiter. You know, my first wife, we got to dinner and she's looking at me. She won't even look at him. She goes, tell him I want a steak. Tell him I want a baked potato. And get me a dessert, please. Show enough. Ten years later, I'm at the divorce trial. She wanted to look at me. She's looking at the divorce, at the attorney, going, tell him I want alimony. Tell him I want. Then my first wife left me. She let me. She let work come between us. I realized that when she divorced me and married her fucking boss. My second wife, this no shit. She gained 140 pounds, first year was married. I'd always dreamed about sleeping with two women. But damn, I didn't think she'd be both of them. To be fair, she got Confused with the preacher, she thought he said in thickness and in health.

Tony Hinchcliffe

He does this thing where he winks at me sometimes, by the way. He does this thing where he winks. He kills. He's the best guy. He's the best guy. Let me ask you one more question. This is my final. We're in overtime in this interview. I've spent more time with you up here than anybody. All night long. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this because you seem like you're a master in the bedroom. Do you have any tricks or advice that you can give these people out here? You've taught us so much already, but you seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to please a woman.

Chris Longoria

And.

Uncle G

Okay,

Tony Hinchcliffe

he wrote a book about this. Folks.

Uncle G

Never sweat the petty stuff. Always pet the sweaty stuff.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What I love about this show is that so many people come in so many different shapes and sizes. Some people start early in life, some people start late in life.

Joel Lindley

Life.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Whatever the fuck you are, Uncle G, you are built for this. And my friend, since the set and the interview and everything has just been nothing but absolute a blast.

Uncle G

I've enjoyed the fuck out of it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, I gotta tell you, my friend, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Kiltoni. That's yours, buddy.

Drew Nickens

Holy.

Robert Stewart

We need more, Uncle G.

Ty Nguyen

You let

Tony Hinchcliffe

us know when you want to come back. You'll get an automatic spot.

Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What? Who do I contact? They're gonna take care of it. Right back there. That's a smart guy.

Drew Nickens

Appreciate it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's a good question, Uncle D, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. You want to know how to make it in showbiz? Do that.

Dedrick Flynn

Who do I contact?

Tony Hinchcliffe

The oldest guy I've ever seen.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

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Ty Nguyen

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

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Eddie Larsa

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Brian Redban

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Tony Hinchcliffe

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Brian Redban

See out for details.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, we're having fun in here. Let's see if we can it up with your next bucket pool. Make some noise for him. It's Chris Longoria, everybody. Here comes Chris Longoria.

Chris Longoria

My buddies and I took a trip the other day and I decided to put the Airbnb on my credit card and have them reimburse me on cash app. And this is how these jokers reimburse me. $186 from Rick for Dat Bussy, $186 from Ruben for great sex, $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership, and $186 from my dad for a great weekend at the Airbnb with the boys. Now when my nosy ass ex girlfriend went through my phone and saw all these transactions, she's like, like, baby, did you prostitute yourself out to two gay men? Have a third gay man watching you? And had your dad part of the whole freaky ass situation? Like, nah, baby, you know, they're assholes. They're just joking. And she goes, all right, well then what's this $5 charge you sent back to Rick for a great blow job? I was like, ah, fuck, I could explain that shit. $5 is a hell of a deal. It costs way more than $5 for you to even look at it it, much less touch it. All right, guys, that's been my time. I'm in. Chris Longoria.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Chris Longoria. It's tough to follow Uncle G. Chris, he killed it.

Chris Longoria

He killed it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're coming out after a blizzard. Even the flies left after the flies are like, this guy's too good. We're going to the Shakespeare. Go watch the open mic over there.

Chris Longoria

I had to watch it from the beginning cuz I was sitting in the crowd. So I saw the whole thing. Congratulations to him.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And what made you, you, you like. Just wanted to see the show tonight.

Drew Nickens

Yeah, I'm a big fan.

Chris Longoria

I've been watching since before I started doing comedy, so. Yeah. Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How long you been on comedy?

Chris Longoria

Going on three years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You've been on the show before, right?

Chris Longoria

About a month ago with Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood.

Jake Stewart

Yes.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, what did we learn about you there in the interview?

Chris Longoria

Tom tried to get me caught up with ice and try to sing. I was from Mexico.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, but you're not.

Chris Longoria

I'm not.

Dedrick Flynn

I'm not.

Chris Longoria

I'm from Corpus Christi.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. That's the Mexico of Texas.

Chris Longoria

Really close. Really close.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Chris Longoria

And that was about it. That's about all we really talked about.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, well, what's something that you think would be interesting for us to talk about?

Chris Longoria

So I once tried going drink for drink with professional wrestlers and ended up blacked out in a wrestler's room and then blacked out in the hallway outside of his room.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What wrestlers with aew?

Chris Longoria

My best friend, Sammy Guevara.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Dedrick Flynn

Yeah.

Teresa

All right.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Very cool. How'd you make friends with all those guys?

Chris Longoria

Guys, there's a independent wrestling company in Corpus Christi. I was just a big fan. Started going to all of them and just became friends with a lot of dudes. I have a lot of friends in WWE and AEW right now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Very cool.

Teresa

Yeah.

Miles Johnson

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Look at you. You ever wear a luchador mask during sex?

Teresa

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Chris Longoria

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

All right.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, that was you?

Robert Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Good time. I'll Venmo you.

Drew Nickens

Hell, yeah.

Chris Longoria

I got you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You guys have anything to say to Chris Longoria over here? What do we think about Chris, boys? Let's check in with the. The panel over here.

Fuzzy Kilge

Thought you were funny, man. You just gotta keep grinding, you know what I mean? You gotta fucking. If I were you, I would pretend to be Indian. And then if I was giving you actual. Actually, I pretend to be Pakistani. And I'd come out here and I'd go, yo, are there any Indians in here? And then one fucker would go, woo.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And I go, fuck you, Pakistan forever.

Chris Longoria

I'll try that next time.

Fuzzy Kilge

That's the only voice I can really give, Tony. I'm sorry.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It works.

Joel Lindley

No, it works.

Teresa

Hurts.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Let's check in with Miles Johnson here.

Dedrick Flynn

I don't really have anything funny to say. I think. Thanks, bro.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I. I think you should.

Dedrick Flynn

You should have gave it a second and then started because everybody was still reeling from that. Uncle G. That guy was crazy.

Chris Longoria

So the last time I was on, I went all the way to the Bear, and I was scared of that happening, so I was like, Let me just jump straight in.

Tony Hinchcliffe

He's talking about the. The beginning. The beginning. Like, kind of like. And you did it, right? You started with the joke.

Miles Johnson

Joke.

Tony Hinchcliffe

But it was, like, fast and hard. And there's also a lot of math before we realize what the joke's going on. Like, people are trying to figure out what's the 180. Whatever. Yeah, absolutely. Like, what's going on. But I get it again, you just went up after a very rare, you know, absolutely beast in Uncle G. He had a. He had his moment at 68 years old, and then you come up here, just another spry Latino.

Chris Longoria

Yes, sir.

Robert Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Are you Mexican?

Brian Redban

Yeah.

Robert Stewart

No way.

Chris Longoria

Well, half of my.

Tony Hinchcliffe

No, he's for just.

Chris Longoria

Half of my family's from Spain, and half of my family's from Mexico. I did some research after the last time I came on, y' all grilled me about. Because I said I wasn't from my family wasn't from Mexico. I did some research and my mother's side of the family's from Spain, and I don't know where the fuck my dad's side of the family is. So I'm assuming Mexico, Right?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wherever that one guy goes for his medicine.

Chris Longoria

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, well, Chris. Chris. There you go. You got a. What size joke book did you get last time?

Chris Longoria

Medium. Last time.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. There you go.

Oregon Lottery Announcer

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Tony Hinchcliffe

You did it. Chris Longoria. Chris Longoria. All right, we know this next lady. She was famously at the January 6 riot. What do they call it? One side calls it riots. What do they call it? Not riots. A field trip is what they call insurrection is what they call it. Some people call it a guided tour. 51% of the country calls it a guided tour of the capital. The other ones call it an insurrection. So it all depends on what news channels you watch. Make some noise for. It's Karen Jones, everybody.

Teresa

Hello.

Miles Johnson

Good to see everyone. When my oldest son was 11 years old, he found out that our entire family was peeing in the shower. He didn't know you could pee in the shower. And he got pissed. It's like you're letting me go in a shower where everyone is peeing. I always thought, man, I'm not going to tell him how much his dad jacks off in there. It could turn him into a sexual deviant. Thank God that didn't happen. You know, it's 40 years later and he manages strip clubs, so it worked out okay. Now, if you would have told me back then that in 40 years I would be having sex with a 74 year old man, you would have been wrong. I think old people having sex is sickening, Right? Does anybody want to think about their grandma and grandpa having sex? Yeah. I said that to my grandson. He's like, my other grandparents have sex. Like, how do you know that? I've walked in on him twice. Thank you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's my time okay, fair. All right. Well. Okay, Karen Jones, an interesting set tonight. Welcome, welcome. How are you? You've been working that out? You've been going to open mics and stuff?

Miles Johnson

Well, yes, I have been.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How's that going?

Miles Johnson

It's going really well.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Tell us more. What's going on, Karen Jones, what are you up to nowadays?

Teresa

Okay.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There's always some crazy going on.

Miles Johnson

Last time I was still living California. I still own a house in California and I'm not gonna live in it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Right, because the neighborhood turned on you when you got on the news for being part of the guided tour.

Miles Johnson

It was a guided tour. And good news. They released the rest or a good part of the badge cams in the last 24 hours.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What does that mean?

Miles Johnson

It means you'll get to see me take a blow to the belly. When I said a nice thing to a policeman, he just went boom in my stomach. I'm like, oh, my God, I walked

Tony Hinchcliffe

in the trap on January 6th. So there's going to be video of you getting hit by a police officer? I sure hope so, because that happened.

Miles Johnson

It definitely happened. I told everybody from, you know, day one and now this is going to come out. The shoving of me. I've already seen those videos. Like, I didn't do anything. They. They invited us in and attacked us. I know it's hard to believe.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's very exciting that we're going to get to see that video. Normally, if we want to see you on our televisions, we have to watch the conjuring. So very exciting. Woman in the nun outfit, everybody. That's her.

Robert Stewart

If you.

Tony Hinchcliffe

If you turn your lights out.

Miles Johnson

Well, the reason that. There are other reasons why I'm not living in my house in California.

Jake Stewart

Okay.

Miles Johnson

It's in Santa Ines, California. I don't know if you know where Santa Ines is.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Doesn't matter. Go ahead.

Miles Johnson

Well, it really does matter.

Robert Stewart

Okay.

Miles Johnson

It matters a lot.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Jesus. Let's talk geography.

Miles Johnson

Well, I'm celebrity adjacent.

Uncle G

Okay.

Miles Johnson

It's where Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. It's Reagan Ranch. It's. It's the cowboy.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Neverland Ranch is one of Red Band's favorite salad dressings. We're having fun here tonight.

Joel Lindley

No.

Miles Johnson

Anyway, I live in the last residential or I lived in the last house in downtown. I live at the Four Way Street.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Is it a haunted house house?

Miles Johnson

No, it is a historical house.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We're close.

Miles Johnson

It's going to be a comedy club.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You got me right there. That was very good. Made me ruin that hit of a cigarette. Nothing Tastes worse than when you have a spit take with a lung full of cigarette smoke.

Miles Johnson

I miss that.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You miss smoking?

Miles Johnson

Oh, yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I bet you do.

Miles Johnson

I do.

Tony Hinchcliffe

How long did you smoke for, Karen?

Miles Johnson

From the time I was. Could walk, right? Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow.

Miles Johnson

Well, I was born in the 50s and little kids smoked then.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hell yeah.

Miles Johnson

But then I quit in my early 30s when it started being uncool, like when they started making people. California got down on smokers really early.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, they did.

Miles Johnson

And when they sent people outside to smoke, I'm like, no, I'm not gonna huddle with a bunch of addicts out, you know, under an awning in the rain. Right, yeah. Not my style.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Not your style. Storming the Capitol building, getting a tour,

Miles Johnson

an invited tour from the Commander in Chief. The top law enforcement person in the United States invited us to Washington. I RSVP'd to a permitted event, was invited in and took one to the belly.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Now who invited you in? Was it a person?

Miles Johnson

No. Police officer.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yes. Yeah, they did.

Miles Johnson

The Capitol police were nice and they were outside and people should know I was on the nice side of the Capitol. I was on the east side because I had to go pee. And so we stopped at the hotel and I've been having to go back and prepare my comedy club and I found my. So I found my hotel key from that day and I had forgotten that the name of our hotel was the Capital. And on the card has a picture of the capital and it says enter. And I thought, oh, this is ironic, right? Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You went in and peed in the shower.

Miles Johnson

No, I peed in the toilet. But I think most people, most good people pee in the shower.

Tony Hinchcliffe

If you have no doubt about it.

Miles Johnson

Yeah. You're not going to get out of the shower.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Don't pee in the shower. You're with. That means you think you have weird pee.

Miles Johnson

I think something's going on and that's. I felt kind of embarrassed that my son got so old. Didn't know that you can pee in that drain hole. The whole family was doing it.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're damn right. You're damn right.

Brian Redban

William Montgomery shits in that pee hole in the shower.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Back in the day.

Miles Johnson

I have heard people say that and I. If a guy, back before I met my husband on a one night stand, if a guy would have shit in my shower, I never would have went out with him again.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're damn right. That's a one night stand.

Miles Johnson

Yeah, exactly.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Where's the weirdest place you've ever peed? Karen Jones? I saw you pee. I Believe in the movie the Exorcist. You were lying in bed. You were. They had you chained up.

Miles Johnson

Well, you know, I. I can't really think of weird places because it's very

Tony Hinchcliffe

hard to face is looking like it's asking for it tonight. I don't know if you see, I

Fuzzy Kilge

don't know the weirdest place you peed, but I know the weirdest place you was Pelosi's death.

Drew Nickens

Ask.

Miles Johnson

See, right there. That's why people have so much trouble, so much trouble believing the truth about January 6th because there's so much misinformation.

Drew Nickens

Right.

Fuzzy Kilge

They just let you in, right? No, that actually happened on 911. They just let us into the cockpit.

Tony Hinchcliffe

If you guys giving us a tour.

Dedrick Flynn

They told us we could land here.

Joel Lindley

They.

Tony Hinchcliffe

They said we could land here. What the fuck, man? They told us that we could land there.

Fuzzy Kilge

No, no, I'm joking. I believe you. For real though.

Miles Johnson

I believe you too. I think you really think that. And a lot of people did think that. But more and more people are figuring out that the 2020 election was. Was stolen. There's been a lot of funny bitches going on somehow.

Eddie Larsa

More.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I mean, I don't, I don't. I don't like getting political. Believe it or not, I know I did the one thing. But I had to, had to make sure we had the right president.

Miles Johnson

No, Tony, I felt you so much for that 10 day period before the election. That's how I felt for four years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, I get it.

Miles Johnson

Oh, go. I did something good and they turned it around and attacked President Trump.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hey, I get it. Absolutely.

Miles Johnson

But it all works out. It all works out.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Definitely does. In the 60s, were you like a

Brian Redban

hardcore hippie, like compound girl, nudist shit thing?

Miles Johnson

I'm a never nude. Like on Arrested Development.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay.

Miles Johnson

Like my husband, if he sees me nude, it's. It's totally an accident.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Karen, I love your style.

Miles Johnson

I love you, Tony.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And you know what? I feel like, as crazy as it sounds, and I know people think I'm nuts for this, I. There's. There's something that. I honestly think that you're telling the truth about January 6th. I don't think you would be so passionate and lie about being let in, being guided through. We've talked about this a few times. You are like, like, you know, a lot of, you know, during COVID and a lot of things I kind of like saw with my own eyes and ears what was going on. And you're kind of like my 1-6- Canary in the coal. Mine. Which makes sense because you literally look like a canary that's been through a coal mine. We love you, Karen. I'm old set was absolutely God awful, but I love you so much. You're leaving here with a big joke buck.

Robert Stewart

Boom.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, you're gonna say that I beat your stomach with a choke book? Oh, no. She was assaulted by the commander of Kill Tony.

Miles Johnson

Thank you to my people in line.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We love you, Karen Jones, everybody. Put that mic stand back where you found it, you little rioter. All right. I guess that's the way the microphone was finished facing you got. I mean, look at that microphone. Don't you believe her about January six. I was just.

Dedrick Flynn

I was just walking around and he struck me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I have to see that footage.

Dedrick Flynn

I just wanted to see the rose room. I wanted to see.

Fuzzy Kilge

He's a rose garden.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You saying that she in Pelosi's desk almost made me pass out.

Fuzzy Kilge

I really believe that.

Drew Nickens

I really believe.

Dedrick Flynn

I was taking a little shit and

Tony Hinchcliffe

the police officer hit me.

Dedrick Flynn

Struck me.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I thought I was having fun and I squandered it. I thought it was part of the tour. Oh, I'm having fun. This is you guys having fun out there? What a challenge. This is our last bucket pool of the night. Then we put a ribbon on it. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Jake Stewart, everybody.

Jake Stewart

Some guy just told me I look like Jeffrey Dahmer with an iron deficiency. So I guess I gotta look into this Jeffrey Dahmer guy's diet, see if I'm missing anything. I've noticed a lot of straight guys, other straight guys, I mean, they get offended or upset whenever they get like a compliment from a gay guy, you know, And I never do. You know, I feel like the number one compliment I get from gay guys is like, my asshole feels amazing. And that doesn't make me gay. You can just take a compliment.

Uncle G

You know what I'm saying?

Jake Stewart

My mom wants me to say. That's a joke. My mom, she wants me. She wants me to. She was pretty clear about that. She wants me to quit smoking weed and doing stand up comedy. That's not what she said. She said I gotta start paying for my own weed. Fucking bitch. Don't be alarmed, sir. Sometimes white guys we call our mom's bitch. He's looking at me like, like, hey, yo, man.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I mean, he's whiter than you, but. Okay, Jake, what the did I do? Hey, yo.

Jake Stewart

Hey, yo.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You calling your mama this? Call mama.

Dedrick Flynn

Y.

Drew Nickens

We can't.

Teresa

Okay.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right, Jake, welcome How long you been doing standup, Jake?

Jake Stewart

Two. Almost two years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

This is your first time on the show, correct?

Jake Stewart

Yes, sir. I am so nervous right now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You're doing. Doing fine. You're doing great. Jake stuff. Do you really smoke weed with your mom?

Jake Stewart

No, my mom is a devout Christian. She's a saint. I smoke a lot of weed. She doesn't condone them.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Perfect. How old are you?

Jake Stewart

I'm 27.

Tony Hinchcliffe

27. You've been doing it three years you said?

Jake Stewart

I've been doing almost two years.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Almost two years. What do you do for work?

Jake Stewart

I'm a server.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Where are you serving at?

Jake Stewart

Austin Country Club.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Ooh, that's a good gig. How'd you get that job?

Jake Stewart

One of my mentors in hospitality.

Joel Lindley

He.

Tony Hinchcliffe

No, hey.

Uncle G

No. You.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What did he say?

Miles Johnson

You.

Tony Hinchcliffe

We don't know what that guy said even, right?

Jake Stewart

I'm sorry. He just laughed.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, I like that you're in the right industry to get mad at people laughing.

Jake Stewart

Yeah, I just. I just. I am passionate about hospitality. Like I like to take care of people and I like to bartend and I think I'm a. I think I'm good at it. My. I got the job because was one of my mentors in hospitality. Had the job.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Huh.

Jake Stewart

He laughed again.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yeah, well, I mean you're leaving a long pause after you say mentors in hospitality. You're giving the room a lot of time to react to that.

Dedrick Flynn

It's like you're saying like a thousand year old Asian guy is teaching you

Tony Hinchcliffe

how to wait table.

Joel Lindley

He.

Jake Stewart

He calls me his apprentice.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Jake Stewart

He says he'll introduce me to the tables. He'll be like, this is my apprentice.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Jake Stewart

And then I'll be like, what can I get for you to drink?

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Jake Stewart

He's a great guy though. He used to work at the. He tried to get me to come work at the Betty and his name is Leighton and shout out Leighton. He taught me everything I know about bartending. There's a bunch of other bartenders would be really pissed that I said that.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Very good. We love the Betty.

Brian Redban

Great.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Jinx of the Betty. One of the best bars in the city without it.

Dedrick Flynn

It's a great bar.

Jake Stewart

It's a great bar.

Joel Lindley

Bar.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Probably the best bar in Austin, Texas. But I'd agree with that.

Jake Stewart

I'd agree with that.

Tony Hinchcliffe

A lot of hot guys.

Fuzzy Kilge

A lot of hot guys. Surprised?

Uncle G

Yeah.

Jake Stewart

My younger brother.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Surprised you didn't get the job. The place is filled with smoking hot dudes. Well, I gotta kidding. It's all hot chicks. Makes sense. You Weren't hired. You're right over here. Hello.

Joel Lindley

Yeah.

Jake Stewart

I'm sorry.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So tell us more about. About your life. What do you do for fun? Enough about your hospitality mentor. We all.

Jake Stewart

Well, I just got engaged.

Drew Nickens

Yeah.

Teresa

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right. Where'd you meet this little dame?

Jake Stewart

At serving tables.

Robert Stewart

Okay.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You were taking care of her?

Jake Stewart

No, we served tables together.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, nice. How long have you worked with her?

Jake Stewart

We don't work together anymore because that was a lot. But we've been together for approaching five years now.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Wow. Amazing. And she's serving somewhere else now?

Jake Stewart

No, she works at an interior design firm.

Drew Nickens

Okay.

Jake Stewart

She's like an estimator.

Tony Hinchcliffe

All right. And when are you planning on actually getting married?

Jake Stewart

We're getting married on October 16th.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay. What made you pick that date exactly?

Jake Stewart

Well, this. That's actually funny. We just were looking at venues, and that one was open, but it turns out that was the day that my parents got married, too. I mean, I never knew because they were divorced, so.

Tony Hinchcliffe

But wow, that's a. I think that's a bad omen.

Jake Stewart

But I. I'm just a positive mentality guy. I'm gonna make that date a good date. You know what I'm trying to say.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Tell us more about what you do when you're not doing comedy or serving tables. You seem like the kind of guy that has an extensive collection of seashells or something like that.

Jake Stewart

I sometimes I. Blade. I like to disc golf.

Tony Hinchcliffe

When you say blade, you mean rollerblade?

Jake Stewart

Irene Roller.

Dedrick Flynn

Correct.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What type of places are you. What type of places are you rolling around on your feet at?

Jake Stewart

Well, the other day I did a workout at the ymca.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You rollerbladed? You rollerbladed at the ymca?

Jake Stewart

No, I rollerbladed from YMCA to the creek in the cave afterwards.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So you have shoes that you use at the gym. So you rollerblade 2 the YMCA. You take your rollerblades off in the locker room or out front on the stairway.

Jake Stewart

They stay in the trunk of my car. And then when I.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Hold on, hold on, hold on. We have a lot of questions here. So when I ask you where you rollerblade, you said the ymca. So do you leave your car at the YMCA and rollerblade to the creek in the cave?

Miles Johnson

Yes, sir.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And then you rollerblade?

Dedrick Flynn

It did.

Tony Hinchcliffe

From the creek in the cave back to the ymca?

Jake Stewart

Well, when I got to the creek of the cave, I realized I can't rollerblade.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You can't rollerblade on stage, you mean?

Jake Stewart

No, like, at all. Like, I. I, like. I used to rollerblade when I was a kid. And then I thought, like, it would just come back to me. And then I'm like, in front of, like rush hour traffic. I can't even stop.

Tony Hinchcliffe

There's no brakes on Rollerblade.

Fuzzy Kilge

There's no blade.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I didn't know that. There are. There's technically the ways to break. Without a doubt.

Fuzzy Kilge

There's.

Jake Stewart

There is. That is true.

Tony Hinchcliffe

So I asked you what you do for fun or what you're good at or something like that. And you named something that you're literally not good.

Jake Stewart

I'm. That I'm getting better at. Oh.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And then because I'm very optimistic. Shockingly optimistic.

Jake Stewart

Thank you. Thank you. You're hot, dude.

Miles Johnson

Whoa.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Look at this. Wedding's off, everybody. Look at that. Looks like I have a new membership at the Austin Country Club.

Jake Stewart

If you want it. I will suck your dick, dude.

Eddie Larsa

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Okay, that's enough. Got some Dahmer in him for sure. That's enough. If I come too fast, I'm gonna think of Karen Jones and last a little bit longer. All right, Jake, give me one more thing that you think out of your entire life makes you different than other people. Something must have happened. Maybe a near death. Maybe you saved somebody's life. Life, maybe. Something crazy. Anything at all. Maybe you once got caught in a weather storm. Perhaps it was hail or sleet. Maybe something. I'm giving you a lot of time to think here about how you're not one of the most boring white people on planet earth. You can literally say anything. There was a guy earlier that masturbated for 14 hours once in an attic on meth.

Jake Stewart

That's impressive.

Eddie Larsa

Good luck.

Jake Stewart

Well, yeah, I mean. So I was raised in Mansfield, Ohio. I moved here in 2020. I was arrested on my way down here.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Perfect. Perfect. Let's talk about that. Yeah, you got arrested. I'm gonna say put this back at the top of Texas in Rockwall. What? Rock wall? Rockwall. Rockwall, Texas.

Jake Stewart

Rockwell, Texas.

Tony Hinchcliffe

They got you going 70 and a 60. They smelled marijuana in the vehicle, am I correct?

Dedrick Flynn

You're correct.

Tony Hinchcliffe

And you had just over an ounce or under an ounce because you came heavy.

Jake Stewart

I had an eighth.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, very good. Red Band had that. Correct?

Jake Stewart

Yeah, well, we had.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Who's we?

Jake Stewart

It was me and my best friend and we rolled. It's an 18 hour drive from Mansfield to Austin. We rolled a blunt per hour.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Mansfield is the meeting place, correct? Between Youngstown and Columbia? Columbus. Right?

Jake Stewart

That's correct.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yep, I remember that.

Jake Stewart

Well, it's a small prison town. You Know Shawshank Redemption?

Tony Hinchcliffe

Yes.

Jake Stewart

That's the old prison. My great. My great grandfather worked at that prison. He taught music there.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Jake Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

One of your mentors. Snow trails. Yep, that's right. Okay. How long were you in jail for?

Jake Stewart

About 16 hours.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Perfect. Look at that. Amazing. Welcome to being white, Miles. This is how good it could be. Can you imagine 16 hours? Wait till Dedrick finds up. 16 hours.

Jake Stewart

Okay.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

That's your go to. That's your go to that black impression? Do you have any black friends?

Joel Lindley

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What do you think is the blackest thing about you before I let you go, Jake Stewart? Because I'm not seeing it.

Jake Stewart

Well, to me, I feel like. I don't know, I'm pretty good at basketball.

Dedrick Flynn

Wow.

Jake Stewart

You would not think I'm good at basketball. Basket. I'm. Basketball's like sex. Because for a 5 foot 9 white guy, I'm better than you think.

Tony Hinchcliffe

You know, there's just one guy clapping old rock wall. Rock wall.

Jake Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Old rock wall. Well, Jake, I'm just in a giving mood at this point because I enjoyed this episode. So you're getting a big joke book. There goes Jake Stewart, everybody. And that is the bucket pool portion of the show. Oh, Mr. Basketball. Didn't catch the leather joke. Basketball, you got me up wrong, too. Well, you don't know black guys. If you ask me. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with one of the best joke writers and performers in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this regular has been super viral all week with one of the greatest Hitler jokes of all time. This guy's just doing it right. I mean, a freak of nature again. One of the hardest jobs in the industry of comedy is being a regular on Kill. Tony. This is a brand new minute from the Real Deal. This is Pat o', Neal, everybody.

Eddie Larsa

Folks,

Tony Hinchcliffe

how is it that these gender reveal parties are all the rage nowadays, yet whenever I reveal my gender to people at parties, I'm a weirdo with

Dedrick Flynn

an oddly shaped penis

Tony Hinchcliffe

that wasn't even invited in the first place. Fucking make up your mind, people. Something else I'll never understand today is how. How some guys have threesomes together. I could never stay hard while there's another dude in the room. You know, my boyfriend. I don't get it. A little bit more about me. I love midget wrestling. I always win. Speaking of wrestling, last weekend I told my retarded nephew our Waymo driver was John Cena believed me. Okay, that's it.

Drew Nickens

Wow.

Tony Hinchcliffe

He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen, Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Thank you for else. You are fantastic. Pat o', Neal, we got the boys up here. I know you guys are big Pat o' Neal fans.

Fuzzy Kilge

Look, I love Pat o'. Neal. Me and Miles, we've been working the door here since it originally opened, and it's guys like Pat o' Neal that come in, sign up for this show, grow, and they make the scene so much stronger. It's so good having you here, Pat. You're the man. You made this so much rather. You're going to the top, brother. I love it.

Dedrick Flynn

Love you. Patrick.

Brian Redban

Yeah, you there?

Dedrick Flynn

Miles.

Uncle G

Oh, my God.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What's happening?

Jake Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Crazy night. Holy.

Fumio Flores

I just.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm glad to be on the show, too, because, like, at the end, I was on the golden ticket to, like, advance my comedy career and all that, but by the end, it really was to just not have to wait with those maniacs next door anymore. And I am just so happy it's its own show, perhaps caps the. The signups, the. The. The people that are waiting over there. I've heard crazy stories. I've seen some video here and there, some fights, some this, some that. It's chaos over there. It's nuts. A lot of people come and go. A lot of people get banned from there. Imagine that. Fuzzy, you're banned from Shakespeare's.

Fuzzy Kilge

I'll never go back.

Tony Hinchcliffe

What happened?

Fuzzy Kilge

Nothing. Nothing. It. Oh. Oh, no, I'm not banned. I'm not banned.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, okay.

Fuzzy Kilge

They love me at Shakespeare.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Pat, do you. Can you recall anything specific that you've seen over there that. I mean, there's people wrestling on the floor one night. I mean, they're always. There's at least two to three guys just using it for shelter on any given week with, like, the huge backpacks and whatnot.

Fumio Flores

But.

Uncle G

Yeah.

Dedrick Flynn

What are they wrestling about? I don't know.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I think it was Fuzzy and Drew over a girl.

Ty Nguyen

Ah,

Robert Stewart

Mr.

Tony Hinchcliffe

I'm not going back there. Well, well, well. Kill you.

Dedrick Flynn

You think you're so hot because you got a metal plate on your head.

Drew Nickens

Oh, my God.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Well, Pat, I mean, you're just the man. Anything else we need to cover this week? Or not really. Follow me on Instagram if you Want to, or YouTube. Tell them all Pat O' Neal comedy on everything. Pat O' Neal comedy. If you' following this man, you're a stupid idiot. A stupid idiot. And you don't want to be a stupid idiot. One more time for Pat o', Neill, huh? You can catch up at Madison Square Garden with us. As we do Kill Tony for the third year in a row. That's what we go to New York City for is to do Madison Square Garden. And he'll also be with us November 13th and 14th at the Dolby Live Theater it at the MGM in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's gonna be chilly that time of the year in a lot of places. Why not escape to Vegas? Catch 2 Kill Tony's the band will be playing at City Winery in New York the night before our two MSG shows. That's August 6th at City Winery. So yeah, there you go. A lot of fun stuff happening. Look out for another big announcement. As we always do New Year's Eve here in Austin. How about one more time for the panel debut of Miles Johnson and Fuzzy Kilji. Am I saying that right? Kilji for these people.

Fuzzy Kilge

K H I actually don't worry about just Fuzzy comic on Instagram.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh, it's Fuzzy Comic.

Fuzzy Kilge

Fuzzy comic on Instagram, yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Follow these guys. That's Miles with a Y.

Dedrick Flynn

Miles with a Y. Miles.

Tony Hinchcliffe

The black guy. That's the black guy. I mean I, I had so much fun with you guys. It's always a fun episode to me when I have fun and that's all I care about. This is the show that I love to do and you guys made it a lot of fun. I knew it was gonna be, but wow, there's some magical moments. One more time, congratulations to the first ever 68 year old golden ticket winner, Uncle G. I love that he said, who do I conjure hack after I gave it to him. That's wisdom right there by the way. A lot of people, you know, I mean, of course we take care of it, but in life, make sure, if someone gives you the opportunity of a lifetime, make sure you get someone's phone number about it. There's a lesson in that, believe it or not. There's magic to that. Sometimes it goes right through you. You hang out with maybe the President of the United States. You forget to exchange numbers or something, it could happen happened to you. Red band, please check out the Sunset

Brian Redban

Strip Comedy club, some sunset drip, atx.com secret show, everything.

Tony Hinchcliffe

It's a great place. A lot of people say, quote, newsweek says better than Shakespeare's. So if you're looking for a place that's not quite the mothership but better than Shakespeare's, go to Sunset Strip Coffee.

Teresa

The.

Tony Hinchcliffe

No, the Thursday show is so much fun there. It's all your favorite people.

Robert Stewart

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

To the audience, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. 250 years old. That's a little baby. We love you. Good night, everybody. Sam, Imagine a dry eye drop that's refreshing, soothing, and starts helping repair the damage to your eyes in as little as two weeks.

Oregon Lottery Announcer

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Tony Hinchcliffe

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Drew Nickens

Tip to anything.

Tony Hinchcliffe

Use as directed, then discard. Wait 15 minutes before reinserting contacts. Don't use if you're allergic to Cequa comfort.

Oregon Lottery Announcer

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Tony Hinchcliffe

Sequa hydrates your eyes by helping them produce their own natural tears. Oh, that's good. That does sound nice. Plus, as CEQA helps to repair dry eye damage, your visual clarity could improve, too. Oh, clarity? You mean ah clarity. To learn more about CEQUA, visit CEQA.com that's C E Q U A dot com and seek the ah for yourself.

Chris Longoria

Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe

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Brian Redban

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Tony Hinchcliffe

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Brian Redban

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