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Today we're talking about conflict. And I'll tell you about a fight that I had with Amy recently. We got going, and in the middle

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of the fight, Amy approached me slowly

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crawling on her hands and knees and said, get out from under that bed, you coward, and fight like a man.

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Now, that didn't really happen. That was a joke.

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And I am joking about that story. But I'm not joking about the fact that Amy's got game when a fight goes on. Don't let that sweet little cute face fool you.

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We all know who the tough one is in the family, and it's not Pastor Craig.

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She can hold her own. Of course I'm joking about that. But we do fight, believe it or

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not, like normal people.

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When you become a pastor, you're a normal people.

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That's a pastor. And so we do fight.

A

In fact, raise your hands if you've

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ever gotten in a fight with someone you love.

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Anybody, your boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, raise them up. Leave him up. Leave him up. Leave him up.

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Now put him down.

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Put him back up. If he got in a fight over

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something really dumb, really dumb.

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God bless you.

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I see those hands. You can be saved, too, right?

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You're not alone. Everybody fights. All couples fight. The question isn't whether you fight or not. The question really is, how do you

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fight when you have conflict?

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There's a difference between healthy couples and unhealthy couples in the way they work through things. Healthy couples fight clean and unhealthy couples.

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You've probably seen it before, not in

A

your relationship, but you've maybe seen it on tv.

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They fight dirty.

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Healthy couples work toward resolution. But unhealthy couples tend to press for. And there is a problem, although that may feel right. But when you press for victory in marriage, it is not good. And the reason it's not good is because whenever one spouse wins, both lose. The moment you try to win and you think you do, you're actually hurting your marriage if one of you loses. And Paul knew this, and that's the very reason why he said. And for other reasons, he said this in Ephesians 4:26. He said, in your anger, do not sin. He didn't say, you're not gonna be angry. But when you do get angry, because you're human in your anger, do not sin. Then he said, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. And he said, do not give the devil a foothold in your anger. Don't sin. Don't let the sun go down while you're still angry. Don't give the devil a foothold. He didn't just say, don't be angry because you will be angry. He said, don't sin when you're angry. Because anger isn't the problem, but what you do with it can become the problem. And some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Because in your relationship, it could be with your spouse, it could be with a family member, it could be with a friend. There's something that you need to deal with, and you haven't dealt with it. Maybe you've known for days. There's an issue that's unresolved.

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For some of you, it's been for weeks.

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A lot of times in marriages, there's a problem, but there's so much going on, we know we need to address a problem. But the timing never feels right. You might feel like you're too tired or you're too busy, or you just wanna wait until things finally settle down. Spoiler alert. Things never settle down. You know this, right? And the longer you wait, the harder it gets to address. And the harder it gets, the easier it is to keep ignoring it. And the longer the problem sits, the more it costs you in your relationship. And so Paul says this. He said, in your anger, do not sin. And then he says, don't let the sun go down on your anger. Address the problem. Now, Amy lives by this rule. She will not let us go to

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sleep when we are mad.

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There are times when we don't sleep until Thursday, but we're gonna work through it. And the reason, and she's actually wise for this, is if you stay angry, you give what Paul calls, you give the devil a foothold. Now, in the Greek, the word translated as foothold is the word topos. We get our word topography from this. In other words, you're not giving the devil with a power passing feeling. You're actually giving the devil a place in your marriage. You're giving the devil territory. And when you leave a conflict unresolved, you're not just staying angry, but you're literally letting the devil put his foot in the door and give an address to your spiritual enemy. And what happens is the devil doesn't just say, okay, I'm gonna give you back peace in your marriage. You actually have to take it back from your spiritual enemy. And what's crazy is I was joking earlier. It's not just the big things. In fact, I don't know if we've ever really fought over a big thing. We specialize in fighting over really really dumb things. In fact, one of the most serious fights, no joke, that we ever had in our marriage was in the early years. We fought over pancakes. Pancakes. And to summarize it in all objectivity, meaning this is just.

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I'm just telling you like it is.

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Amy makes pancakes the wrong way. I'm just saying it's just like it's a thing. It really is.

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It just is.

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And some of you can affirm this with arousing Amen to just affirm the right. She makes them feel like grilled dough balls. Okay? If a pancake doubles as a pillow, it's not a pancake. Everyone knows God's way is more thin. There's a lot of butter on it. And so I was trying to honor God making pancakes the right way. And my godly wife, who weighs 80 pounds less than I do, came up to me and said, move, I'm making pancakes. And she said, move. And as a godly man, I said, no. And so she put her shoulder down like a football player and she physically knocked me out of the way and said something like, you do what you're told in my kitchen. Not exactly that I'm. That's what I heard. That's what I felt. And it was on. The good news is 30 some odd

B

years later,

A

we don't eat pancakes anymore. Solve that problem right there. Show you devil. And I laugh about it, but some of the biggest fights we've had are over some of the smallest and most insignificant things. And that's what we have to remember. We are all going to struggle. And it's not if you fight, but it's how you fight. And God's word teaches us how to fight. What's interesting is there's a guy who's kind of an expert on this.

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His name is Dr. John Gottman.

A

He's one of the most well known marriage researchers of the day. And he studied through thousands of couples and he watches how they fight. And he says he can watch a couple fight for five minutes and predict with about a 90% accuracy whether that couple's marriage will make it or if they'll end with a divorce. And the way he determines it, not if they fight, but how they fight. And based on this research, he's found four patterns that show up again and again and again in marriages that are heading for trouble. Does not mean they're gonna end up in trouble, but they're heading for trouble that you can cut off. These four, he calls them four horsemans. But there's four things to watch out for you might see these things in your relationship. And the good news is you can address them now. Don't let the sun go down on

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your anger and your anger.

A

Don't sin. The four predictors of relational failure. He shows us they are these. The first one is criticism. The second one is contempt. The third one is defensiveness. And the fourth one he calls stonewalling. Let's talk about them briefly, one by one, and then we'll let God's words speak to them. The first one is criticism. This isn't just like a complaint. It's more going after character than action. It attacks the character. There's a difference. A complaint says like, you didn't take out the trash. Criticism says, you didn't take out the trash because you're selfish and you never do anything right. Same trash, different fight. One is about the issue, and you're gonna have those. The other is about the person. And it moves from just an issue to a complaint and character. Watch for that. The second one is contempt. And contempt, honestly, he says, is the most dangerous one

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of the four.

A

This is when you just really don't

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like the person very much. You roll your eyes, you're always sarcastic, you're mocking them. Nice job. Genius.

A

The moment you look at your spouse

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and you think, I don't like you, I can't stand you.

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This is contempt. And if this is where you are

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or your spouse says, this sermon, 30 minute talk's not gonna solve the problem, you're gonna wanna step aside, you're gonna wanna seek help. Talk to your pastor, talk to a counselor, bring your group into it. If you're moving there does not mean it's over. It means you need help more than a sermon. But we're gonna let God's word speak and may stir something in you.

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The first is criticism.

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The second is contempt. The third issue is defensiveness. Defensiveness. It's not me. It's all your fault. You know the drill. Something happens, you say something like, well, that hurts me.

A

Well, you did it first.

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This is when you always refuse to take responsibility. There's always an excuse for something, and it's not my fault, it's always yours. Defensiveness.

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And then the fourth one is stonewalling.

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And this is where you just tune the other person out. You shut down. You. You shut them out. And it's not like you're trying to keep the peace. There might be a time when emotions are high that you actually. The wise thing is to walk away, take a breather, and come back engaged. This is not that this is walking away and staying away. It's a different thing. And unfortunately, research shows that men do this more frequently. And unfortunately, I may be proof of that. This is kind of my go to. Amy said something recently that I interpreted it to be a little critical. And so I just went quiet. Not the regular quiet, the like, hope you notice that I'm being quiet.

A

And the whole time, this is how dumb I am. This is how dumb.

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If you're like going, if you ever think, I wish my husband were like, Pastor Craig, no, you don't. Okay, you don't.

A

This is how dumb I am.

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I'm sitting there thinking, like, this will teach her. This will teach her.

A

Like, teach her what? She's married to a nine year old. Like, where'd you go, Pastor Craig? There's a godly thing. This is not godliness. But yet that's my go to.

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Sometimes I'm gonna shut down and shut her out. That's not honoring God. Now, if you're dating someone right now, I wanna give you some things to watch for.

A

Watch for these four different things.

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What are we talking about? Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you're dating someone and you feel

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like obsessed with them and you just

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really love them, but you feel tension,

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it's not bad if you get in

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a fight when you're dating someone because

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you actually see, do we have the

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tools to work through things? And you're asking yourself, do they fight fair? And do you know how to fight fair? If they are always criticizing you, not what you do, but criticizing you, attacking your character, not talking about an issue, but talking about who you are, you wanna pay attention to that. That is a significant red flag if there is contempt. You're dating, they're rolling your eyes, they're dismissing you, they're mocking you, just walk on away. Just goodbye, good luck, see ya, and run for us. Run. Okay, if they're doing that, that's not moving toward anything healthy. If they're always defensive and never take responsibility, never own anything, never apologize. If everything's your fault, and they never own anything, that's something to pay attention to. And then stonewalling is the same thing. If they're consistently shutting down, don't have the ability to work through things, go silent, disappear for days, ghost you, and then act like everything's okay. That's not okay.

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You wanna watch for these things.

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They don't generally get better with a ring. They generally get worse unless the spirit of God intervenes along the way. So if you're married or you're dating, we have the same spiritual enemy who

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wants to divide what God joins together. He wants to take territory from the

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people of God into the forces of darkness.

A

And so every time we fall into one of these temptation traps, we're giving

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the enemy a little territory. Every time you criticize, every time you roll your eyes, every time you shut your spouse out, you're giving the devil a little territory. And these people behaviors, they don't kill a marriage overnight. Little by little, little by little, you give the forces of darkness more territory into your relationship. And if that's what you've done, you gotta take it back. You gotta take it back. And the good news is you have more power on your side. Greater is he that is in me than he that's in the world.

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And so you just take back what belongs to God and you use the power of his word to say devil. You can't divide what God. And the good news is God's word gives us really specific insight as to how we work through conflict. James tells us this. He tells us in James 1:19, he says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak.

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It's funny how we're actually often the opposite, right?

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We're slow to listen and quick to speak. No, the Bible says we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. And slow to become angry. Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

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Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. Because human anger doesn't produce the righteousness that God desires.

A

If you find yourself tempted to be

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critical, you're criticizing your spouse. If you're criticizing your roommate, your friends all the time.

A

We tend to often criticize when we

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have a weak self esteem. Be careful for that. If you find yourself critical and you're

A

about to say something that you know

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could be hurtful, ask yourself two questions. And I do this a lot now. If there is an area that I've grown, it's that I'm listening more and I'm speaking. Two questions I'm gonna ask, and I honestly do this quite a bit, is I ask myself, should it be said and should it be said? Now question number one is like, should it be said? There's a lot of times where I've gotta come back, I've got a something,

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I wanna say it, but it's actually not helpful. It's not honoring. It's out of the flesh, not by the spirit.

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So it shouldn't be said.

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Ask yourself, should I even say what? And if you should, should it be now? Because some conversations do need to happen, but not at 11:30pm not in the car, and not in front of the kids.

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Somebody could say amen based on experience

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if you want to. And I'll give you just a little bit of kind of conversational nevers, some

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rules in the relationship of things that you should never say. First of all, you're in a heated exchange. Never call names. Don't call names. That's immature. That's hurtful. That's not God honoring. Never call names. Secondly, never get historical.

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Not hysterical. Don't do that either. But don't get historical, okay?

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Just tell yourself this. What happened in 2014 stays in 2014. Love keeps no records of wrongs. That's in the Bible.

A

Love keeps no records of wrong. Never call names. Never get historical. Never threaten divorce. The moment you bring the D word

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into it, you're saying, devil, come on in.

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We said, till death do us part.

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And we're gonna do everything we can within our power to follow God's word, God's way. We're not gonna threaten that. We're gonna work toward resolution. We're not trying to scare somebody into doing the wrong thing. And the most important. And let me go over these again, never call names. Never get historical. Never threaten divorce. The most important thing, and you have to live by this, is never quote your pastor in a fight. Do not do that. Do not do that.

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That's somewhere in the Old Testament, I promise. Is there.

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You can look it up.

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It's there. Amy tried that once.

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It doesn't work. It doesn't help. It doesn't hurt.

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I confirm. Pastor Craig, I've heard a pastor say this before. Don't say that. That's not helpful. Now, if you find yourself right now

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a little bit uneasy hearing this message

A

and you're starting to push back and

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you're getting defensive, and maybe you're, like, getting mad at me. I don't like this message. I don't like. I never liked that guy anyway. Fair enough.

A

A lot of people don't. Maybe it's valid, but maybe it's a

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sign that you actually need to humble yourself and listen. Not to me, but listen to a voice that's so much more powerful than mine. What I found is whenever I'm defensive, that's when I need to humble myself and listen and be quick to listen. Quick to listen.

A

One of the things that I've worked

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on very prayerfully is I've asked God make Me, a better listener because I have this unbelievable way when Amy's talking,

A

I can actually be paying attention and also not even be there.

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It's the weirdest thing. I can be even listening.

A

She can say, what did I just say?

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And I can repeat it back to her. And.

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And I'm still working on something else, even though I'm, like, kind of there

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and I'm kind of not there. And it's just crazy how good I am at that. It's like a spiritual curse. I was gonna say gift, but it's not. And so what I'll do is I, like, just pause, put down everything, and I listen. And what's helpful is when we're working through conflict is a lot of times she's hurt over something that I had no idea. In my mind, it all made sense, and I was logical. And I can, like, defend everything with three points, and even I can put it on the screen and tell you why it makes sense. But she didn't care about that. What she wants to know is that I actually understand how she feels and why she would feel that way.

A

And when I can get to that

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point, we have often, really, moments of healing and breakthrough. I'll say, okay, oh, man, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. And I can see why. When I said that, it made you feel that way. And I don't even have to say, like, I agree. I don't even have to say, you're right. It's just like, I genuinely understand how I could have made you feel this way. And there's healing. So it's quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. Because human anger doesn't produce the righteousness that God desires. So if you find yourself in a place where your relationship isn't what you hoped it would be, and you know it's not what God would want it to be, there's really good news that it doesn't have to stay that way. Doesn't have to stay that way if there are two people. And it does take two. If there are two people willing to humble themselves, submit to one another in love. The power of God. He specializes in healing broken relationships. And so I wanted to slow it down and just acknowledge we've covered a lot of ground. And what I know is I'm speaking into a lot of different relationships, and I can't do it all. So I need the help of the spirit of God to go in and take things just the way that you need to hear it. Because some of you, you're trying all of it. And like, you genuinely, you're in and you're praying and you're trying to fight fair and you're trying to listen and trying to have empathy. And you're still struggling and you're still carrying a burden. There is a difference between resolving conflict and releasing a hurt. There will be those of you here that your hurdle is a hurt that is still unforgiven. He said or he did or he didn't, or she told you and then she wasn't. Or there was a look or too many looks or a lie or a betrayal or a misleading or an addiction you didn't know about, or an emotional relationship or an addiction or a habit or overspending or just leading you to believe when it wasn't there. And it hurts. And it hurts deeply. And you're not alone in that. We've all hurt each other. And when I'm gonna tell you that God's Word says there is a way that we as followers of Jesus handle it, some of you are gonna like what his Word says. His Word teaches us as followers of Jesus that we forgive as we've been forgiven. Forgive those who hurt us. And some are gonna say. It's easy for you to say. Cause you're not in my situation.

A

And you have no idea how bad the person I'm married to. If you knew him. Pastor Craig, you break out your jiu jitsu and you lay holy hands on

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him in the name of the Holy Ghost, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And you cast a demon out of him.

A

Maybe. Maybe. And I don't know who you're married to.

B

And I don't know what he did. I don't know what she did. I don't know what he's doing right now.

A

He's.

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And there's a lot of complications out there. And I acknowledge them all. And some things are way above my pay grade and need professional help and need something only God can do. But I will tell you what God's word says. He knows what you've been through. He sees it all. And he tells us all, as followers of Jesus, that we are to forgive. Doesn't mean you open the door back up and take abuse. That's not what forgive means. Doesn't mean that you roll over in your doormat. That's not what forgive means. But Scripture tells us this in Colossians 3:13. Bear with each other and forgive one another. If any of you has a grievance against someone, how in the world do you do that when you've been hurt so deeply. Scripture goes on to say, forgive as the Lord forgave you. Like, how do I forgive something that's so unforgivable? You forgive as the Lord forgave you. You don't forgive because they deserve it. You forgive because you were forgiven when you didn't deserve it.

A

And again, I just want to be really clear. Forgiveness is not saying what they did is okay. And forgiveness is not waiting until you feel like forgiving. Forgiveness is actually a decision long before it's an emotion. It's a decision as I've been forgiven, I choose. Even if I don't feel it, even if I don't want to, I choose to forgive. It is choosing to forgive and release the debt even when you have every right to hold onto it. It's canceling someone else's sin debt because yours was canceled first. And it's not giving them a pass. It's taking back the territory that the devil is trying to steal. It is God honoring it is not easy, but that' called to do. And so you wake up one day and you realize, like, the most Christlike thing you may ever do is not win an argument. But it's not to go to bed when you're mad. Say like, I love you too much to let this go. So we'll stay up and we'll work through it, and we'll pray through it. And yeah, we're mad. And you said, and I didn't. We didn't. And that whatever. And no, you can't now. We're not going. So what are we gonna do? Well, here's why I feel this way. And here's. And we work through it. Oh, I see it. And oh. And then the mature one says, let me apologize where I got it wrong. And you go first because Jesus went first for you. It's forgiving when every other part of you wants to remember. That's God honoring forgiveness. And again, like, how do you do it when you've been betrayed? How do you do it when your heart goes well? You forgive like you've been forgiven.

B

And I'll tell you how I was forgiven.

A

I hurt people before Christ. I lied to people before Christ. I cheated before Christ. I fell into sexual sin before Christ.

B

I betrayed people.

A

I pushed myself first. I put myself first. And because of the price that Jesus paid and the stripes upon his back

B

and the blood he shed for or me, I was forgiven.

A

Didn't earn a bit of that, didn't

B

deserve a bit of that. Deserved death, hell and the grave. And Got life, the Holy Spirit, forgiveness, and the grace of God. I'd never, ever deserve. So what do you do next? If you're hurting right now, what do you do? I'm gonna just tell you, like, come back emotionally. If you're in a broken relationship and you're not in danger. If you're in danger, it's a different conversation.

A

If you've got.

B

If there's a chance and a hope and there's anything of the spirit of God in you, anything of the spirit of God. And I'm like, come back emotionally because

A

some of you, you didn't leave physically.

B

You checked out emotionally. You stonewalled for so long, you forgot what it feels like to be in the room. And I want to just remind you about Jesus is he didn't stonewall you. And when you sinned and mocked him, he didn't roll his eyes. And he never said, you get what you deserve. But he stayed and he loved you. He loved me in spite of our sin. And he took back every inch that the devil tried to steal by giving his life. And so if Jesus dwells within you, if you belong to him, you can forgive. You can forgive because he first gave you. Let's go beyond marriage. Let's go beyond marriage. You were lied to. You can forgive. You were betrayed by someone you love. You can forgive. You were hurt by someone who called themselves a Christian. You can forgive. You were let down by a church and have church hurt. Listen, you can have church hurt.

A

Church hurts is real.

B

So is church healing. Church hurts is real. So is church healing. Forgive one another as he forgave you. And so I just wanted. I want you to feel it. I want you to believe it. In the presence of a good God, of a grace filled God, of a loving God, of a compassionate God, of a. Of a God who is full of

A

grace and a God who is just.

B

You can heal by his stripes because he was wounded for you. And you can forgive because he forgave you. And you can do one of the bravest things. You can actually go first because he went first for you. That's just how good he is. That's just how good he is now. Does that mean everything's gonna be great? You're gonna be healed instantly. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But as far as it depends on you. You can do what's right. Love as you've been loved, serve as you've been served, give as he's given to you and forgive as he's forgiven you. And seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And then believe that all these other things will be added unto you as well when you put him first. I know it's hard. I know the hurt is real. I know his grace is present and his healing is real as well. I pray you experience that healing in a way that only he can bring. So Holy Spirit, do a work today. Broken friendships, broken relationships, broken family relationships and broken marriages. Do healing work. I'm gonna ask a specific question. We're gonna pray a specific prayer. This is not for everyone, but it is for some of you. I don't want you to hesitate. I don't want you to hold back. I want you just to raise your hand. I want you to step into it. If it's you. I wonder how many of you wanna take back what the enemy has stolen relationally. It could be a friendship. It could be with a son, a daughter, a brother, a sister, a friend, someone in church, someone in life group. It could be your spouse, it could be a parent. I wonder, I'm asking one time. I'm going to ask you to lift up your hand if this is you, and we're going to pray by faith and believe it. How many of you want to take back what the enemy stole relationally? Would you lift up your hands right now, hands going up all over the place? Dear God, would you work? Type in the comment section. I want God's help to take back what the enemy's told. Father, I pray for miracles and restoration and healing and broken relationships. God, I pray for relationships between parents and children. God, I pray for relationships between brothers and sisters, both biologically and in the Lord. God, I pray for broken friendships. I pray for those who have been abused. Oh, God, I pray for healing, for mental healing, for physical healing, for spiritual healing. God, for those who've been hurt and wrongfully abused. God, I pray for those who've been mentally hurt, physically hurt, sexually hurt, emotionally hurt, spiritually hurt. And God, I pray for every marriage that has a door cracked open and the devil tried to put their foot

A

on the toe post.

B

We kick the devil out. We bind you, Satan. You have no place in these relationships. God, we take back what the enemy has stolen. We ask that you return it seven times over. God, Healing, forgiveness, restoration in the relationships and marriages.

A

We pray for it, God.

B

And not even just in this moment, but God, that people would take a step out, tell their life, tell a pastor, ask others to join in and

A

we stand together as the body of

B

Christ to stand up for God. Ordained marriages that would honor you and create legacies of people that would serve Jesus.

A

God do miracles. We pray in the name of Jesus.

B

God believing that you will. As you keep praying today, all over the place, there are those of you

A

that you recognize you are not in a relationship with God. Let me tell you what God did.

B

God made the first move. Scripture tells us this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He went first.

A

Revelation tells us that Jesus stands at the door and knocks. He's knocking at the door of your life. If anyone hears his voice and opens the door, he would come in.

B

There are those of you today that you walked in.

A

You're watching without a living relationship with a loving God.

B

Let me tell you right now, our

A

God loves you so much, he sent

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his one and only son, Jesus. We who was without sin died in

A

our place on the cross. And God raised him from the dead.

B

You're not here by accident.

A

God wants to do a work in you. So what do we do? We step away from our sins. We surrender to the lordship of Christ when we call on his name. God hears our prayers. He forgives our sins and makes us brand new. If you think like forgiveness, I don't even understand how that's possible. When you understand you've been forgiven not by your good works, but by his grace, and suddenly it becomes possible. There are those of you here, you still carry the weight of your sin. When you confess it to God, he forgives your sins and cleanses you from all unrighteousness. If you carry the weight or the regret of sin in your life, today is the day. God wants to forgive it and make you new.

B

All of our churches, those of you

A

who say, that's me, I need his forgiveness. I want his salvation. I'm turning from my sin. I'm giving my life to Jesus. When you pray that he, he makes you new, your sins are forgiven. Separated as far as the east is from the west. This is the moment you're here.

B

It's not by accident.

A

All of our churches, those online who say, that's me, I want his salvation by faith. Today I give my life to Jesus. That's your prayer? Would you lift your hands high right now, Lift them up and say, yes, that's my prayer. We praise God today as we got people at all of our churches saying yes to Jesus online. Type in the comment section. I'm surrendering my life to Christ. Just type that in the comment section. And today we pray with those everywhere. Just join your faith in prayer. Pray.

B

Heavenly Father, forgive my sins. Jesus, save me. Be the Lord. Of my life. Fill me with your spirit so I can serve you.

A

Thank you for forgiveness.

B

Help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me. Thank you for new life I give you all of mine In Jesus name I pray.

A

Church could you celebrate today? Worship God. Thank you for healing and miracles. Thank you for new life in Christ.