Modern Wisdom #1072 – Dr. Debra Soh

Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters)
March 16, 2026
Host: Chris Williamson
Guest: Dr. Debra Soh

Episode Overview

Chris Williamson sits down with Dr. Debra Soh—sex neuroscientist and author—to dissect one of the most perplexing social trends: the global decline in sexual activity, or the so-called "sex recession." Drawing on data, evolutionary biology, neuropsychology, and cultural analysis, they explore why partnered and solo sexual activity is plummeting, what’s filling the void, and the implications for society, relationships, and mental health.

Key Discussion Points

1. The Sex Recession – What’s Actually Happening?

• Sharp Decline in Sex Across the Board:
  Dr. Soh highlights how both partnered and solo sexual activities are dropping, especially among young men.

  “One in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past 12 months, which is a large number of people.” (00:44, Dr. Soh)

• It's a Global, Cross-Demographic Trend:
  Not limited by geography, relationship status, or age, but especially acute among Millennials and Gen Z.
• Not Just a Shift to Solo Sex:
  “It’s not just that the pie of sexual activity has been redistributed… the overall size of the pie has gotten smaller.” (03:22, Chris)

2. Multiple Causes, Not Just One "Villain"

• The Allure of Tech Substitutes:
  Porn, OnlyFans, AI companionship, and sex robots are supplanting human intimacy, with Dr. Soh documenting how tech meets sexual and emotional needs, sometimes more reliably than real people.

  “I’m beginning to think people are actually preferring the solo methods. And it’s potentially dangerous.” (03:43, Dr. Soh)

• Social & Political Polarization:
  Social media deepens divides between men and women, undermining the trust and willingness to date across the aisle.
• Mental Health Epidemic:
  Soaring rates of anxiety and depression make forming connections harder:

  “Half of Gen Z has a diagnosed mental disorder and of them 90% have anxiety.” (06:10, Dr. Soh)

3. Hypergamy, “Three Sixes” & the Tall Girl Problem

• Hypergamy Under the Microscope:
  Both internet and evolutionary psychology hype up women’s “three sixes” rule (six feet, six figures, six inches), but the podcast questions how prevalent or realistic this actually is.

  “None of those things really correlate with success in a relationship or marriage.” (08:02, Dr. Soh)

• Mutual Unrealistic Standards:
  Both genders are influenced by digital and cosmetic illusions, raising expectations beyond reality.
• Socioeconomic Mismatches and Female Success:
  As women outpace men in education and career, many struggle to find “suitable” partners, leading to dating gridlock for high-achieving women—a dynamic Chris calls the “tall girl problem.”

  “If you have women that are socioeconomically more successful… that gives most men this sort of invisibility cloak.” (13:55, Chris)

4. Institutional Factors: DEI, Feminism, and Men’s Disengagement

• Impact of Diversity Initiatives:
  Dr. Soh argues DEI policies may inadvertently disadvantage men, especially in academic and professional attainment, contributing to dating imbalances.
• Male Disenchantment with Achievement:
  Many young men opt out of academic/career competition, sensing stacked odds.

5. Birth Control, Endocrine Disruptors, and Changing Mating Psychology

• Hormonal Birth Control:
  Suppresses ovulation and sexual motivation, possibly altering women’s mate preferences and even the shape of relationships.

  “If you’re halting that process in a woman… surely that’s doing something as well to men’s mating psychology.” (24:45, Dr. Soh)

• Biology and Chem Disruptors:
  Testosterone is dropping in men, potentially due to environmental factors from dietary chemicals to drugs in the water, with evidence from animal studies.
• SSRIs and Libido:
  Widespread use of antidepressants both influences sex drive and sometimes causes long-term sexual dysfunction.

6. Pornography, Sexual Sedation, and Motivation

• Porn as a Coping Mechanism:

  “Porn is a big part of this issue in terms of why people are turning away from actual sexual activity… you are getting these feel good chemicals.” (37:12, Dr. Soh)

• The Sedated Man:
  Chris introduces the “male sedation hypothesis” — porn and digital stimulation dampen young men’s drive, leading to lethargy, lack of ambition, and lower mate-seeking behavior.

  “Men are being sedated out of their status seeking and reproductive seeking behavior through screens, video games and porn.” (39:17, Chris)

• Neuroscience of Porn vs. Sex:
  Studies show the same brain regions are activated, with habituation potentially worsening the issue.

7. Sexual Preferences, Trauma, and the Impact of Porn

• Rough Sex & Choking Trends:
  Young women’s adoption of rougher sexual practices may stem from early exposure to aggressive porn, reinforcing risky behaviors.

  “Young women, Gen Z women in particular, it’s almost ubiquitous [sexual choking].” (51:44, Dr. Soh)

• Female Masochism and Evolution:
  Evidence suggests masochism is the most common female paraphilia, perhaps linked to evolutionary or traumatic roots.
• BDSM, Kink, and Childhood Trauma:
  Dr. Soh’s own research found correlations between severe childhood abuse and adult interest in BDSM/kink.

8. Cosmetic Surgery, Social Media, and Status Signaling

• Plastic Surgery’s New Wave:
  Gen Z’s cosmetic strategies have shifted (e.g., breast augmentation, labiaplasty) as digital comparisons and porn trends fuel insecurity.

  “Very many young women feel self conscious about their labia and are actually getting these procedures done, which is also influence from porn.” (74:24, Dr. Soh)

• Luxmaxing & Male Formidability:
  Young men’s beautification is increasingly about intrasexual competition (“mogging” rivals) rather than actually attracting women.

  “What guys seem to be optimizing for is formidability—other men respect, not what women are attracted to.” (84:47, Chris)

9. Sexlessness in Long-Term Relationships

• Dead Bedrooms:
  Sexless marriages can last for years, sometimes decades, leading to profound disconnection and sometimes infidelity.

  “I would interview some men who had not had sex in like decades.” (89:15, Dr. Soh)

• The Need for Novelty and Emotional Intimacy:
  Both guests stress the importance of sustaining novelty and emotional closeness, with suggestive neuroscience and practical hacks (flirting, role-play, novelty pacing).

10. Technology, AI Partners & Sex Robots

• AI Companionship:
  Dr. Soh experimented with dozens of AI partners and found them emotionally compelling and increasingly indistinguishable from real humans in text/voice interaction.

  “They get like, if you’re sarcastic, they pick up on it. It was crazy.” (105:33, Dr. Soh)

• Sex Dolls and Robots:
  Demand for sex dolls surged during lockdown, especially among less-educated or emotionally hurt men; robots with realistic movement are close on the horizon.

11. Fertility, Childlessness & the Reproductive Downward Spiral

• Childlessness by Default:
  The real driver of birthrate decline is fewer women becoming mothers, not lower family sizes.

  “Four out of five women who end up without kids didn’t intend to be childless.” (112:03, Chris)

• The Coming Crisis:
  Both anticipate a pending crisis of regret and loneliness as many realize too late that they missed their biological window.

  “We’re gonna see a huge fucking crisis of middle-aged femininity within the next 15 years.” (114:22, Chris)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “People are actually preferring the solo methods. And it’s potentially dangerous.” (03:43, Dr. Soh)
• “Half of Gen Z has a diagnosed mental disorder and of them 90% have anxiety.” (06:10, Dr. Soh)
• “If you’re halting [ovulation] in a woman… surely that’s doing something as well to men’s mating psychology.” (24:45, Dr. Soh)
• "The male sedation hypothesis: men are being sedated out of their status seeking and reproductive seeking behavior through screens... and porn." (39:17, Chris)
• “For guys who end up watching, quote, extreme stuff [in porn], that's actually what they liked all along. It just took them a while to admit it to themselves.” (45:30, Dr. Soh)
• "Interest in BDSM and kink is more… correlated with severe physical abuse in childhood." (60:15, Dr. Soh)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------------------------|-----------------| | The scale and nature of the sex recession | 00:00–06:10 | | Hypergamy & modern dating demands | 07:24–16:53 | | Institutional & socioeconomic dynamics | 16:53–20:50 | | Birth control’s impact on mating/psychology | 22:42–29:17 | | Testosterone, endocrine disruptors, and male sexual health | 33:33–35:52 | | Porn, sexual sedation & motivation loss | 37:12–43:50 | | Aggressive sexual trends & trauma’s role in preferences | 51:44–62:02 | | Cosmetic surgery & social media effects | 73:23–84:22 | | Sex robots, dolls & AI partners | 98:25–105:04 | | Fertility, childlessness & reproductive future | 108:07–120:16 | | Practical advice & solutions | 121:55–125:15 |

Deeper Lessons & Actionable Takeaways

What’s at Stake?

• Connection displacement: Not just sex, but true human connection is being replaced by easier, less risky, but ultimately hollow substitutes (tech, porn, apps).
• Gender empathy: Rising female empowerment must be reconciled with empathy for struggling men; polarization is not the answer.
• Urgency for Real-Life Interaction: Facilitate more face-to-face opportunities, encourage visible cues of interest (e.g., women smiling, men confidently approaching).
• Practical self-improvement for men: Healthy food, regular exercise, time away from porn/digital sedation, and building confidence in real-world spaces remain critical pathways.
• For relationships: Prioritize novelty, flirtation, and emotional vulnerability; avoid falling into complacency or distraction (phones, screens).

Final Words

“My hope… is to try and close this division between men and women… a big part of why this [sex recession] is happening is the adversarial narrative.” (120:38, Dr. Soh)

“If you’re struggling with your mental health, eat healthy food… go to the gym, get sunshine, [and] if you can go without porn for 30 days, try and see if that helps you.” (124:53, Dr. Soh)

Book Mentioned:
"The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy" by Dr. Debra Soh

Dr. Debra Soh online:
drdebraso.com

This summary covers all critical topics, research, data, and practical wisdom from the conversation, preserving the lively, frank, and often humorous tone of both Chris Williamson and Dr. Soh.