Ireland, License Plates, Lunatics | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-26

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday Afternoon, Just Before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. How's it going, man? Oh, Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles got on his fucking. He's got on his acting pants. He put on his soliloquy slacks. Got an acting gig over here. I'm out of the country. I'm over here in Ireland. Oh, top of the morning to you. You know what nobody says in Ireland. Top of the morning to you. You go to New York. Nobody goes, oh, I'm walking here. You go to Boston. Nobody says wicked pisser, or, let's get some chowder. Somebody will say, that guy's wicked stupid, or that's fucking pisser. But nobody said wicked pisser. You know where they say all that shit in the movies? In the movies. Anyway, did you see that fucking New York Nick Championship parade? Jesus Christ. Even the Fair Weathers showed up. They're like, I got to go to this fucking thing once every 53 years. No, it was a great thing to see. And it's also great that it's over now so you don't have to hear that fucking Alicia Keys song anymore. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God, that song over and over. When I was doing Glengarry Glen Ross, every time I was cutting over to my apartment, I had to walk. We were right in Times Square, and I would come out and every day New York, I mean, Jesus Christ, that would be like. Every time. The whole time you're on the freedom trail in Boston, they would play that stupid song, I Love that Dirty Water, or that stupid I'm shipping up to Boston song. Do they ever let the people pick the fucking song? Why can't the citizens. Can we have our say in anything? Can we pick a goddamn song? Or can you retire a song and just be like, okay, okay, okay, okay, we get it. We get it. You know, somebody's got to write a new New York song. They did the Sinatra one to death, and now it's the Alicia Keys one. They did that one to death, and then up and up where I'm from, they did the fucking Dirty Water and that I'm shipping up to Boston, and I lost me, like, anytime there's a fucking movie. That fucking accordion. Every fucking time. Like, everybody up there is doing some fucking jig, eating a goddamn corned beef sandwich on the way to get a bowl of chowder. It's just not what's happening. It's not the vibe it's never been the vibe. None of that shit. None of that shit. I will give a shout out. Oh, my God, the end of the walking pneumonia here. To all the people from Scotland who came to Boston and drank the town dry. I'm seeing all these great videos talking about how amazing Scottish people are and how cool they were. They would get hammered, but they would clean up after and. And everybody loved them. They were singing all those songs at the Red Sox game, man. It was amazing. Speaking of which, now we're into the baseball season. This podcast is just going to be off the rails, by the way, because I'm beyond jet lagged right now. I got to go to a fitting. They're dressing. We're in Ireland, so, you know, they're gonna dress me like a leprechaun because everybody over here dresses like a leprechaun. Or. Top of the morning to you. Oh, me, I'm just looking for a four leaf clover. No, no, they're not staring at their phones just like everybody else. Anyway, what the. Was I gonna. Well, I don't even know what I was talking about. Had a nice flight over here and connected an afro, all right? Every camp with a long face connected in afro. And it actually wasn't bad. I connected in Heathrow 20 years ago and said I would never fucking do it again. I didn't give a shit how much extra a direct flight was. I was never going to Heathrow unless I was going to London or going to England or whatever. There is no way, because I remember they made me get off the plane connecting, and I had checked a bag. I had to go down to baggage claim, get the bag, go through security again, and then get on a bus with my bag. That's right. And then go through security again. It was just like. I don't think I've ever been to an airport that. I just felt like. It felt like the world had outgrown it 50 years ago. But anyway, yeah, it looked old as shit, but they've done a lot to it. It looked fucking new. Wherever I was and was nice and nice and smooth. They checked our bags all the way through. Granted, we were going to Belfast, which is part of the United Kingdom, Northern Ireland. I wonder if I was going to Dublin, if I would have had a fucking. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to connect through there because they're supposed to check my work papers and they didn't fucking ask me for them and I didn't bring it up. You know all I do when I go through customs, I just answer the questions if you don't ask me. Are you working? I don't fucking tell you because I got the papers and I'm gonna pay the taxes. I don't need you then to fucking look at me. And then I gotta go to the next. Go sit in that fucking room. I'm not doing that. Okay, if you bring it up, I'll fucking say it. If you don't bring it up, not saying shit. You know what? I learned that from being married. If nobody's bringing it up, why, why start a fucking debate? Hey, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Shut the fuck up. Why don't you try that? Why don't you try that in the fucking final 30 of your life here? Why don't you try just shutting the fuck up? How about that? Can you do that? Did you do a podcast? Talking to yourself twice a goddamn week, you fucking lunatic. Anyway, I have my normal level of anxiety before I do an acting gig, which is, which is a good thing. Came in not giving a fuck, then I would be in trouble. Oh, by the way, on my birthday. Oh, Billy. Birthday tits. Happy birthday. Oh, Freckles. The. The movie trailer for the Social Reckoning came out. The new Aaron Sorkin movie and that. I think it's going to be out in October, maybe November, but they already started promoting it and from the buzz I hear, I heard it's a pretty good movie. So I'm excited to have a small role in that. You know what I mean? Keep the, Keep the plates spinning here. Keeping the plate spinning.

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So

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I'm also, I got some really fun stand up gigs coming up, going up to wine country. I got Chicago. I got, you know, I got a

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couple, two or three words coming up there.

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Sorry, yawning, Yawning like an. So, so I'm out here now and I heard the whole. The, the. Our, our conflict, our war, whatever you call it with Iran is over. And I heard we're not getting what we wanted. That's what I'm hearing over here. Now. I don't know what's going on in the United States once you're in the media bubble, I'm sure we're getting news that, you know, I don't know what. They're probably setting up a fucking UFC event at the Vietnam Memorial. The fuck is wrong with you?

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Usa. Usa.

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People screaming like f. I just do not understand people. I get it. You love your country. Are you paying attention to what the cunts are doing to it? Are you looking at the right cunts. That's the thing. There's plenty of C, but you got to be looking at the right C. But the problem is the C point at other cunts. Then the dumb cunts look at the wrong cunts while the real cunts run away with your country. That's what happens. Oh, that's what happens. Anyway, I watched a couple of movies on the way over here when I wasn't reading the script. I watched the new Spinal Tap movie, which I fucking loved. Just seeing him getting the band back together and then all the great cameos from all the people that loved it over the years. Fucking awesome. And then I also watched Step Brothers, which is just. It's one of the greatest. John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell in that movie are so goddamn funny. Like it's the most ridiculous premise, absurd premise ever for a movie. And it just works. The whole thing works. I've seen the movie a zillion times. Haven't seen it a few years and I was watching it just crying, crying, laughing, and all the lines that I forgot. When Will Ferrell calls his stepdad a geriatric.

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Sorry.

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I'm trying not to laugh because it'll get the coughing going. It's like, you geriatric fuck. I'll tell you one thing I didn't forget was when he put his balls on his drum kit. That's one that stays with you. Anyway, I'm about to head out, get some breakfast here. Sorry, I hope I didn't make you yawn there. And I've got to. Then I got to go to my fitting. The fitting is when you try in your. What you're you. Whatever you're going to wear in the movie, they call it your costume, which I always thought was weird. Are you in costume? It's like, dude, I'm not dressed like the Riddler, all right? I got my shit on that I'm going to wear in the movie. I guess that sounds better costume then. Do you have your shit on that you're going to wear in the movie? Anyway, I'm gonna try to do a stand up gig or two over here while I'm here. Just sort of get my. My shooting schedule together and I don't know, it's weird. I feel like this was reminding me a long time ago when I did King of Staten Island. I don't know why I'm getting those vibes. Even though I've done a couple of movies since then. Some reason my brain is going back to that one. Back to a simpler time. Pre Covid. Jesus. You know the world's up when you say a simpler time. And I'm talking about a time when Trump was president. Jesus Christ, that fucking guy. My God. But whatever, we're almost halfway done the second time. We're on our way. We're on our way every day, Every day. How, how many more insane things can I see? That Walmart parking lot event. Just fucking whatever. Anyway, plowing ahead. So now I'm back to watching my Red Sox. And I don't know, it's always like such a fucking, just grabbing the emergency break, going from the NBA finals in the Stanley Cup Final to just going back to baseball. But I will tell you, a buddy of mine came over, gave me a belated birthday gift. Another Boston guy, so he comes over and was sitting down in my living room, goes, oh, you got the socks on. And it was like the third inning. We just sat there shooting the. We both watched the whole game. Now with the pitch clock, it's not that bad, but it was just such like a Boston thing, like it was just, oh, is there a game on? You know, I have to watch the whole thing. It doesn't matter what the it is. I grew up on sports, you know, that's all that matters. You just sit down and next thing you know, like, can I just watch some cricket? I said, I'll do it, dude. I actually enjoyed the hell out of cricket when I was in, I think when I was in Australia, I had no idea. I didn't get what was going on. I didn't get how if you fouled it off behind you, it was still in play. Just basically like if you hit it, it's like T ball for adults. And it takes for fucking ever if you play it the old fashioned way. It took like three days to play it. And I was like, wow, people bitch about baseball. Jesus Christ. Three fucking days. But those were the days before, before the Internet, before all this fucking surveillance, you know. You know, I heard this latest thing, oh, Billy, I'm just going to drive an old car and not have all this AI shit. They're going to put a fucking chip in your license plate attached to your fucking phone. They're basically going to know where you are. You're going to be under surveillance, like you're fucking John Gotti and you're running some sort of crime family. It's like, why do all of these law abiding citizens have to be under 24 hour surveillance? We're not doing anything. It doesn't make any sense. So then what you have to do is you got to think, well, what the fuck are they doing? That's what it, this is what this surveillance is for. It's not for what we're doing. It's for when we finally figure out, or most people figure out, what these fucking upper 1% cunts are doing. They're going to need us under 24 hour surveillance because they, they're going to try to stop the rebellion because that's what's going to happen. They just posted this article, like another 17,000 people in my business got layoffs and all the CEOs got 51% increases in their salaries. Like, my business is no different than your business. And it's no different than like overall what's going on in the country. It is just robber barons, just completely out of control. And I don't know, at some point it would be nice is if they could somehow class. Going after money and power past a certain point as an addiction and that you then need an intervention, you know. And one of the things about people that are addicts is what they put all of their loved ones through. Which is why, you know, there's a couple of those documentaries, like, I didn't like that Charlie Sheen one. He's just sitting there with like this eating grin on his face talking about all this. Never once does he bring up the hell he's put his friends, family, ex, wives through. He's just sitting there. And then I did this. I don't even remember it. It's like, well, I'm glad you had a good time. I'm glad you had a good time. But people living in reality and with ramifications and didn't, didn't have such a good time there. So anyway, I wish that they would somehow, wouldn't that be amazing if they could like classify it as that? And for some reason, if you stop a robber baron from doing what they're doing, then it automatically means that you're a socialist and you like communism and all of that. Which by the way, most people who say socialism and communism don't even understand what the fuck it is and don't understand why it didn't work. Okay? It didn't work for the same reason capitalism isn't working, all right? It doesn't work because people are involved with it. And when you have people involved with something, the people that fucking excel

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always

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are the people who don't follow the rules. The ones who cheat. That's what they do. They just fucking cheat so everybody else plays by the fucking rules. Crosses the T's, dots, all the eyes. And then the people who take advantage of the bankruptcy laws and fucking sue the IRS and fucking say, you know, and part of the settlement is you can never audit me again because I never plan on paying my taxes. I know I'm just singling out one cunt right now, but they're all the same. None of them fucking pay taxes anyway. It would be nice if the rules applied to everybody, but what if they did that? What if they just fucking, like, everybody just sat down, you know, and you're sitting there with your $13,000 umbrella stand next to you, and you have to agree to go to, like, rehab. And like, rehab has to somehow convince you that passed a certain amount of money, Patna's past, a certain amount of buying of fucking shit. It doesn't bring you any. Any more happiness. And if you go too far, your empty pursuit of happiness actually brings misery onto everybody else and makes people have to live under a fucking bridge. There you go. All right, I got to go to this fitting, and then I'll finish this podcast. There's a weird place to stop, huh? Oh, Jesus. All right. Quote. You know when everyone on your team thinks someone else handled it? The call, the text, the follow up. It's like that Spider man meme where they're all pointing at each other. Meanwhile, the customer's just sitting there like, hello. That's how you quietly lose business. So, yeah, at a certain point, it's like, let's quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by quo spelled quo, the business communication system built so you never miss a. There's no word there. Now your entire team can handle calls and texts for one shared number. So no more missed messages or drop conversation. Everyone sees the full thread. Replies are faster, and customers actually feel taken care of. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all in one clean view so your team always had the full picture and can show up for every customer conversation. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo Q U O for free. Plus 20. Get 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.comburr. that's quo.comburr. all right, Policygenius. Talk about the plans you have coming up this summer. Then pivot to how policygenius does the work of searching for the best life insurance plan for you while you enjoy long summer days with your loved ones. I already have life insurance. What do I plan on doing? I got two weeks on an independent movie in. In Ireland, so I Plan on going over there, having a great fucking time knocking out this part, dude. And you know, putting my freckled toes, putting my feet up because I already have insurance. I will say getting life insurance is a scary thing to do as a guy. Aside from giving your wife motive is, you know, guys don't like going to the doctor. Walking pneumonia.

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Hello.

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And we also like, we can't, we can't deal with any of our fucking emotions because we were, that's the way we were raised, you know. And then we marry women and then they say that we're fucking weak rather than trying to understand the fact that the way that we were raised was actually emotionally abusive. But you know, it's not about you. It's never about you. So anyway, I can tell you this, you know, you don't want to think about that you're going to die someday. But you know, you are. It is beyond a relief to get life insurance and know that when you die, you know, hopefully these fucking asshole insurance companies will actually do what they said that they're going to do, which is, you know, they're not in the business to do that, are they? They're in the business of collecting premiums and then denying claims. But I think with life insurance, you're good. How was that? 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Me undies. Wear them out in a stall.

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just, just like that, with the magic

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of hit and pause and unpause. I'm back. All right, It's a few hours later. Few hours later, I just went over to the set and I grew up my beard. So we came out with a new look for this character. So I came home and my kids were calling me fake dad, going, where's my real dad? They were like, all right, we're leaving. We'll go to the playground by fake dad. Anyway, what else was I talking about? I was watching some more highlights of that next parade and people, you know, there's so many people, you couldn't see anything. So these people were climbing up on this scaffolding. So one person gets the idea and then it's 2 and then there's 20. And at some point I'm just looking at it going like, you know, there has to be a finite amount of people that can be on top of that thing before it comes crashing down. Thank God it didn't. But they were inadvertently doing an experiment. So anyway, with that, we are into baseball season. These are the dog days of June now into July before football immediately starts up. Anyway, I'm going to try to keep up on that. I haven't watched any of the World Cup. It's happening right in my backyard and I've just been so goddamn busy. I did see a little bit of a game France was playing and I think that's it. I don't know, I don't know what's going on other than, you know, our country harassing referees and sending them home. So. Idiot. I just don't get this like this whole like white nationalist vibe, racist vibe. Like I mean these fucking hardcore people on the right. I know it's not everybody on the right. I don't mind the right the same way I don't mind the left. Just don't go that fucking far. Like what? You go too far, you get into fucking lunatics. Fucking lunatics. And on both sides when you go too far, there's fucking lunatics. You go from overt fucking racist saluting Hitler to the other side of giving hormone changing drugs to a 2 year old. I mean all of them, they all belong in the same clown car. And everybody else can kind of fucking chill and I can in the middle and be okay, you know, I don't lean that way. But you're not leaning that far that way. I can go that way. If you come this way on this.

B

Cool.

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Everybody cool. You want to fucking chill out and go get a sandwich. Anyway. Always it's, it's, it's a big thing with me when I, when I get on onto acting gig and I do the wardrobe and basically get the look of the person, it really just gives you all the ideas and all of that. It's kind of amazing how good these people are in hair and makeup and in wardrobe as far as like what they do. You know, you, you just talk about it, what you think the person is. You find some middle ground and then they run with it and then it just gives you all of these ideas. I don't know. So we shall see. So I'm going to try some stuff on this one. Like I do with everything. You know, you try to, you try to get a little better. You try to get a little better. You know, every time you ride a motorcycle, you try to get a little better. You fly a helicopter, you play drums, you fucking make some blueberry muffins. You know, you try to make those blueberry muffins that would have made Robert De Niro happy and casino. That's that's what you shoot for. Maybe you come up a little bit short, but, you know, you got your. You were closer there than you were the last time, the last time you made them. Um, yeah, if you're not trying to get better, you're just sitting around waiting to die. Which I'm not gonna lie to you. Last night I fucking, when I was jet lagged, I just had all of these. I didn't think turning 58 bugged me, but I was just kind of laying there going like, what do I got left? You know, do I have time to learn anything? You know, there's just a lot of stuff that's now out of the equation. Pole vaulting. You know, I always thought someday I was going to get good at that and I just waited too long. And then one day you're 58 and you're like, I'm not running with that thing. You know, I always like pole vaulting because it just seemed like real world applicable. I can't tell you how many cop shows I've seen where they're chasing a perp down the fucking alley. And what does he do? Does he pole vault over this now? He fucking jumps on the chain link fence, he starts climbing up and they always grab him by his jacket and they pull him back down. And now he's going into fucking central booking where you're in there with everyone from fucking some drunk college kid to a full on fucking serial killer rapist, you know, but if you knew how to pole vault and you're running down the alley inconveniently, there was something like a Jackie Chan movie. There just happens to be something that's supposed to be something else. But you know, it's really for pole vaulting. You know what they should do, you know, like those canes that blind people have and they just fucking out of nowhere they pull them out. It just fucking unfolds. Like you remember the butterfly knife, it's like that, but it turns into a cane and you can't stab anybody. You know, they should do that with like pole vaults up the pole. You know, you just have it in like your pocket like a flashlight. And then God forbid you're getting chased by a mob of people. Like all of those people that wore spurs jerseys to MSG during the finals. You know, if they just had one of those fucking things as the mob was coming at him, they could just run at the mob and. Which would cause, you know, you know, when you run at the Predator, they're used to chasing. They'll stop like, whoa, what the fuck's going on? And then you pull that shit out. Although reaching into your pocket, New York City, and nobody knows what's coming out. It's very dangerous thing to do. But they don't. You know, they have strict gun laws there. Not that people follow them. You pull that fucking thing out, and right before you get to those orange and blue cunts, you stick it in the ground in a pothole, conveniently right there, New York City streets, and you go up and over those fuckers. All right? The key is when you go up and over, you hang onto your stick and you press the button again and then it's gone. Then, you know New Yorkers, it doesn't take a lot to make New Yorkers go, oh, shit, and then figure and forget what they were mad at. That's what was missing at the end of those Knicks spurs games was the pocket pole vault that was missing. And a good economy and good leadership straight across the board. That's what's been missing. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I apologize that it was a little bit late, but, you know, all of these overtly racist people that are coming out of the woodwork in this idiot we have for a leader that is just making it okay. You know, I really think if you don't think that way, you should be just as loud, if not louder than these other people, because this is a meathead time. And the Internet is a giant think tank for these meatheads. And I don't think they even understand how dangerous they are. And I don't think they even understand what they're doing to their own country. I don't think they understand that as they're chanting USA and jumping up and down and thinking that they've won something, every day they're losing more of it. And the cunts that are taking it, I have them looking at the wrong people. That's what I think. I also think it's going to be a nice weekend, you know, and you could choose not to be a racist. All right, enjoy the music and the bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before

C

Friday Monday morning podcast.

A

It.

C

Do the Monday morning podcast for Lundy. June D. Sweet 2018. What's going on? How are you? How's your Monday treating you over there in the States? I got my last couple of days over here in Paris. I'm psyched to come back. I'm sad that it's over. I had a wonderful time. Thank you to everybody over here. That put up with my. My horrible fucking French, you know?

B

I know.

C

I just. I just. I just stayed in the. I punished them with it this time, okay? And if they didn't like it, somebody taught me something to say to them. Just say, ah, va TOU fe uncoule. That means go yourself. Vatu.

B

Fet.

C

Un cule. Cule. Vatu.

B

Fair.

C

Un cule, monsieur. Wait, you vous. Je palais a vous va tout fair un cule, monsieur. You got to throw in the mister, still be polite. You know what I mean? You can tell somebody to go themselves over here, but when you're wearing a scarf, you got to throw the monsieur, you know, so you don't seem like an animal. All right? I'd learned that, you know, that's the hardest one to say, to say street. Right over here, it's R U e rue. But you got to go, I'll get it. I'll get it done. I'll learn how to say go yourself in a new language. All right, before we get started, a very special thanks to a very special person and a wonderful comedian and equally as well, a human being, Mr. Tom Rhodes, for hooking me up. He found out I was in Paris and he was like, are you still there? I said, we. He said, ah, monsieur, you need to go to this fucking patisserie. They have the best fucking sandwiches and blah, blah, blah, blah. And God damn it, the man was right. Best sandwiches I've had over here. Maybe top fucking two or three sandwiches I've ever had in my fucking life. And then I had one. What are those? Little macaron, those little cookies. They made a giant one. It was pistachio. It was incredible. You know, when food's so good, you start having Tourette's as you're eating it, just like. Oh, right, I was doing. That was unbelievable. Eating this, looking around for people to let them know, you know. Now I know what you're going to say. What's the name of it, Bill? What is the name of the patisserie over there in Parry? And I only have one thing to say to you far too far on Qla. I'm not fucking telling you because I don't want to. I don't like standing in lines, all right? Become a fucking comedian, befriend Tom Rhodes, and maybe he'll tell you, okay? But what I ate today was. Was magic, all right? And I've been enough around enough magicians in this business to know that you never reveal the trick, okay? Tom Rhodes showed me the trick, okay? It's his trick. It's his fucking. It's his joint. Oh, my God. It was fucking unbelievable. I walked a mile and a half over there and back. It's my workout in the morning. I just, I go for a brisk walk. You know, I'm starting to learn how to use those little places where people jog along the Seine. I go down there so I don't have to deal with the fucking giant groups of people crossing the street to go to the Notre Dame. I actually went in the. We went in that church and I'm glad I did it. The line moves really quickly. You go in there, you're like, wow, this is echo. Echo. This is huge. This is scary. These statues, not a lot of positive messages in them. A lot of misery, a lot of death, a lot of weeping. But I think that that's just sort of the vibe back then. I mean, people just. People died back then, you know, not like, not today. People just. They lived for ever. You know what I mean? At my age, I see somebody die at 70, I was like, ah, what happened? What did he eat? No, it's too soon, dude. Back then, you, you, you went outside and like a mosquito bit you. And then your whole village died the second you sneezed. Everybody was just done, you know, And I believe it was some pompous cunt that said, art imitates life. So if everybody over there is dying and you're really good with your hands when you get the. Clean it there. What do you think you're going to make? You're going to make some miserable statues. You know, I'll tell you. These, these, these people around here walking around, these pasty white kids thinking that they're goth, okay? With their black nails and lipstick and all of that. Let me tell you something. You got nothing on some of these statues there in, in the Notre Dame. So you know what I have to say to all you goth kids out there? I it up every time. Whatever. That's what you do. You just punish people. Punish people with your fucking. I ran into some guy with a file. Forget where the fuck I was. Some guy from Washington, not D.C. the state, right? And he was talking about trying to learn French over here. He was living over here. He said, it's brutal, man. He goes. They just, you know, you try to speak it to him, and then they just start speaking English. And I told him, I said, if I go punish him with it, I don't give a shit if they do the whole thing in fucking English. You stay. You stay in the Pocket right. Stay on target. That Star wars shit. Did I tell you guys that? Why actually on the plane, I watched one of these plane rides I took. I watched that. One of those. One of those Star wars movies. Laura Dern. F is for families. Laura Dern was in it. The woman who played Princess Leia. I believe it was the last movie she did before unfortunately she passed away. I don't know who else was in. A bunch of young people. All right, kids. Kids to me. Kids to me are under the age of 39 at this point. And I really enjoyed it. And I'd like to apologize to anybody I might have offended at Comic Con. I don't remember what the movie was called. Oh, there was an Luke Sky. Mark Hamill was in it. Right? And at the end of the movie, right. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Like you nerds haven't watched it 9 million times, you know, weeping into a potato sack, whatever. You know, I liked how he was wearing the Ben Kenobi fucking like, you know, it really. The messages in Star wars, you know, that if you actually live a righteous life, you know that there's really no money in it, the way the whole game set up. And you end up in like a burlap sack for a bathrobe, just living by yourself, you know, making rocks levitate, you know, for tourists, whatever the fuck it is he was doing on that island. But if you sell your fucking soul to the dark side, you know, you get that dope ass outfit that fucking Darth Vader had, you know, that looks like some shit. What's his face with a design. Who's the Kusa designer over here in France? He used to be fat and now he isn't. And all he does is shit on fat people and he won't make clothes for fat people. Hey, Nia, what's the name of the designer over here? He's hilarious. He used to be fat. And now. And now we see. Like I said, we've been on vacation too long. Hey, Nia.

B

Again,

C

to qa. I can't remember.

B

Cute to lay to G F Y S. Yes.

C

G, F, M S. I'm telling two to do that because I know you and you're familiar. What's the name of that? What's the name of that? Luke Robitard. What's his name?

B

Who's Luke Robitard?

C

I don't know.

B

What designer?

C

The designer. White haired guy. He used to be fat.

B

Carl Lagerfeld.

C

Yeah. Doesn't Darth Vader's Suit look like some shit he'd come up with.

B

Oh, for sure.

C

Yeah, there you go. I fucking nailed it. You're impressed with some of my fashion knowledge.

B

You've been, you've been proving yourself to be quite the fashionista out here.

C

I was telling told you the difference between the hori style and the, the elegant style, right?

B

Yes, thanks for explaining that to me.

C

What do you mean you actually were fascinated by it, right?

B

Because we went to lunch and we were talking about how some of the girls were like very elegant and some,

C

you know, some are all Instagram y desperate. Like they were like basically the fashion version of a comic with the catchphrase.

B

Right? Yes, exactly.

C

Opposed to me, who's all pure up there with my shit and dick jokes.

B

Yeah, yeah, the comedian's comedian. That's you. I was going to bust in here and see what you were talking about, you joke jerk. What's going on?

C

I'll tell you what's going on. What? Yesterday, for Father's Day.

B

Yes.

C

My second dooziem. We went to the Van Cat Le Mans. We went to the 24 hours of Le Mans and Nia, how did you enjoy. How'd you enjoy it.

B

For hours?

C

No, but it's not always like that. Sometimes it's. Sometimes it's.

B

But it's like, okay,

C

Who's that?

B

Yeah, but like, what. So are you just waiting for somebody to crash or like, what's the. Because it's just round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows. It's like, you know, like it wasn't that exciting. I mean, I, I know that it's a big. It's a world famous.

C

Was it cool to at least see cars going that fast, that close to each other?

B

Um, you know, I feel like I've seen cars go fast before and it doesn't really do that much for me.

C

For me, this is what's fucking hilarious. It was Father's Day.

B

I would go to Formula one with you because. Is that the same thing though? It's just round and round?

C

Yeah, because if you was sitting in the stands and they just fucking drove in a straight line, it would be over in a minute. So that's why they go around and around and around. And then they would also have to clear out, you know, for a 500 mile race. If they had to clear out 500 miles of streets in a straight direction. I mean, all of a sudden you can't go from Mississippi to fucking the other side of Texas.

B

Well, you know how in horse racing, and I'm not Saying that, like, horse racing is okay, but you know how it's like, go, baby, go. And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, like, like, let's go. Let's go, baby, go. There wasn't a lot of that. Like, people were on their phones, people were eating crepes. Like, it was very, like, subdued. Like there was. It didn't feel like there was a lot of action going on, a lot of excitement is what I'm saying.

C

Because it was a 24 hour race.

B

That's maybe too long. Like, maybe they shouldn't have it. 24 hours.

C

I would say this. What I, what I was. Amazing to me is that they had. I counted. I was saying there's got to be at least two classes, if not three classes of cars out there. Turns out there was four different classes. So I think there was like four winners in each class, one for each class. But we got there on the second day. So when we showed up, there was two cars in the lead lap, both Toyotas. And the guy in first place was ahead by like a minute and a half, which is like, you know, that's like almost the back of the race than anything else. And then the guy in third place was 12 laps down, down. So I was kind of like, oh, so this thing with this three hours to go and this is already over. Unless somebody crashes or has a problem with their car. And the Toyota in second place did have a problem with this car, briefly, which put him even further back. Then he was down two laps. And then. So, yeah, it's more of like an endurance thing. I thought it was fascinating because if I would recommend, if you go to it, go for the start or I would go at night just to see him at night. It was kind of cool to see the brake lights and wipers. And I've never seen that on race cars. It's usually just like. It's just a shell for a body with a roll, a whole full roll cage. And it's just the powertrain. That's it.

B

So it was exciting to see windshield wipers.

C

Yeah, it was for me. I'm. You know. You know what's funny?

B

No, I'm taking the windshield wiper.

C

No, no, no. You know what it is? You know it is. Yeah. Steve McQueen and all that. It was, it was. And just to know how many people have died and the balls that it takes and all of that shit to do it. And I got to be honest with you, you know, we were driving out there, you were listening to your Beyonce and your Jay Z that we Got there and you were on your phone the entire fucking time. And it made me feel good about that time. I walked out when you were. You. You said you were at quote in this play.

B

First of all, that is not the same thing. How dare you even make that comparison.

C

I'll make it again. Don't you yell at me on my own.

B

I was on the phone the whole time. I was taking Instagram video of you. Okay? And Instagram of who?

A

You.

B

And of myself and the race. But like, I was on the whole entire time and I didn't walk out, okay? I wasn't like, all right, I'll. I'll be in the car.

C

I can say the same thing about that plot. I sat through the first half of it.

B

Were you in the 24 hours of Lamon? Were you in it? Were you driving? And I walked out.

C

It was Father's Day.

B

No, it's not the same thing.

C

I think it's the same.

B

I was the. The narrator of that show. And you walked out because you were, like, bored and it was so rude. And it really hurt my head.

C

I didn't support of you. I did it on I cannot believe.

B

No, you didn't. You did it for entirely selfish reason. You were sitting right in my line of view. And then we come back from intermission and you're fucking gone. And I can't even believe it was

C

a white guy rapping and it was a play. It's the two worst things ever combined. And I sat through 90 minutes of it, and you were a better actor than anybody there. And all they had to do was go later at the hall of Justice. It annoyed me.

B

I can't even believe that you would bring that up so many years later.

C

How long have you known me? I'm gonna bring that up so many years later after this.

B

You really are like the king of bringing back stuff. Well, yeah.

C

Remember back when?

B

And it's like we've been together for 15 years. You're literally bringing up something from, like, year two of our relationship.

C

What else do I bring up from way back when?

B

Like, a lot of stuff.

C

Oh, good point. You're the king of making a big statement and then you can't back it up.

B

I am the king. That's the fucking point of it is. I am the goddamn king.

C

Oh, good one.

A

Yeah.

C

Take that to the bank. Try to cash it.

B

Smoke it.

C

No, I get. No. Auto racing is a torturous thing to bring to somebody who doesn't give a shit about cars or really understand how they work.

B

We met that nice guy, Ryan Hilly.

C

And he's the one who taught me how to say, go yourself.

B

What's up, Ryan? He was really nice.

C

He was very nice. And he helped me out my FR I en. I can't believe I went there. Oh, this is the. Here's a great one. So Nia doesn't like beer. There's no wine there. So I keep buying two beers and it's like, oh, you don't want to finish that? So I'm drinking. Daddy's having a good time on Father's Day, right? So I bought a.

B

How they have crepes there but no wine. I mean, this is France.

C

But that surely was grapes to them. It's just like a fucking sandwich.

B

Yeah, that's true. That was really kind of.

C

What about the other guy?

B

Is it. Is it insulting if I say that it's like the NASCAR of France? That's insulting, right? Because NASCAR is not on the same level as 24Hour Le Mans.

C

I don't know what you mean. I think that you were more looking at it like you were outside Paris. So there wasn't as many female fancy closed people walking around. I think that that's what it is. You're very you, you know, you're a class kind of person. Like, oh, you're here, you're there. No, no, I'm up here.

B

I'm not classist or elitist. And I'll thank you for not interesting, not pushing that. Because people are all in my comments being like, oh, I hope you are nice to the waiter. Oh, I hope they didn't piss you off.

C

Like, you know, what do they say to me? Could you be nicer to Nia?

B

Do they say that?

C

Yeah.

B

When?

C

Every week.

B

Let me see. I want to see. I want the receipts.

C

What do you mean you want the receipts? Well, I want your fucking receipts then.

B

I'll show you my receipts.

C

Coming to me like, you're the FBI dude. I gotta turn over my laptop to you.

B

Oh, we have fun.

C

Yes, we did. We had a great time over here. And tonight. We are seeing Guns Ve Roses tonight.

B

And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.

C

That was good.

B

Thank you.

C

I've never seen them at concert.

B

I am so excited.

C

Yeah, it's going to be ridiculous. It's going to be awesome. So that's what we're doing. And then we're going to. And then we fly back. I hope he says that. How do you say that in French? Huh?

B

I thought you. You learned that. I want to learn that you're gonna die Kiss.

C

Get too fake. Dwight dialect. Jungle baby. To a mort.

B

Way.

C

Anyways, I don't know. I've been having a good time. How? I've been torturing people with my French, haven't I?

B

Yeah, I don't.

C

When they go to English, I don't give a fuck. It's like. It's the most fun. It's so much fucking fun to just. Just.

B

Some French people will humor you, but a lot of times they, like, can't be bothered. Remember when. Oh, remember what was the restaurant we went to and we were having a hard time figuring out the menu? And I was saying to the guy, I asked him, I said, oh, can you translate some of this stuff for us? And he goes, oh, why don't I just get you an English menu? And I was like, yeah, okay. And you were like, oh, no, no. I wanted to explain. It's like, Bill, he doesn't want to sit here and translate the entire menu when there's an English menu.

C

How does parents make their money? Tourists. Yeah, fucking humor me, okay?

B

But it doesn't work like that.

C

When you come over to my country, you'd say, there's the liberty. Is that you?

B

And we miss you.

C

It's fucking down the street there. I know. They're all fucking pure. Don't. Don't pull that shit. I'm so sick of hearing that every fucking person who isn't from America is fucking. Is. Is the greatest person ever. I'm walking right now. Hang on a second. Yeah, I gotta go get my charger here. When we're walking, I'm always, always spinning, always moving. Kyle Dunnigan. I don't know where the fuck it is. No, no, I don't. I don't do that. Okay? People here in France are just like Americans, okay? Some of them are nice, some of them are not. And a lot of them are fat. Okay?

B

Okay.

C

Yeah, there's a lot of fucking fat people.

B

Okay, okay, okay, I'm done again, you genius.

C

All right, do you have anything else to add about how, you know. Okay, here's the thing. All right? So maybe you didn't do it to the level of walking out halfway through a play with. I want to reiterate again just in defense to my listeners. It was a play and there was a white guy rapping the entire time, okay? And it wasn't Eminem. Oh, his eyebrows up like he was blowing my mind. I sat through 90 minutes of that as you sat over in the fucking corner going, later, aging Mrs. Herman, Mr. Herbert, you have a phone call at the front desk.

A

Yeah.

B

What the fuck?

C

And then I went out there.

B

I was reading stage directions because it wasn't a full production. It was kind of like a re. A staged reading. So I was. It was a musical. I don't sing. So, you know, I was there doing the stage directions. I got paid.

C

It was a gig. I don't sing. Okay, okay.

B

Yeah,

C

I supported the. Out of you. I didn't make you Uber home. I didn't walk out. I went out and I had a Sam Adams. And I was like.

B

And I came back.

C

Wait, let me finish. And I sat down.

B

I was like, no defending it.

C

That was delicious. That was as delicious as. What I just saw was horrific. And I was just like, maybe if I stay out here, she won't notice. It was totally selfish.

B

Totally made eye contact, totally selfish.

C

And I have apologized, and it's because of the guilt that I try to bring you down to my level years later. That's what it is. It's because I love you so much.

B

Oh, please.

C

And it shames me that, you know, just because, you know, I do all these great things for you. You are a wonderful thing.

B

Son of a gun. Yeah.

C

Where did I learn it? Where'd I learn it from?

B

I don't know.

C

Don't. I'm looking at you. Cry on cue.

B

I'm not.

C

I'm not your mama.

B

I didn't teach you this.

A

Oh, God.

C

Did you just try to be sassy?

B

Yeah.

C

Jesus Christ. I just felt like I was doing it. Did they reboot? Good times. What just happened there?

B

I'm not your mama.

C

We'll be right back with White, Red and Black Nene after these fucking messages. Anyway, White, red. All right.

B

Are you gonna miss this apartment?

C

I'm ready to go home after the. The Guns N Roses thing is going to be. It's perfect. We're gonna do that, and then we go home. I'm ready to go back, eat some quinoa, get back on my diet, hit the elliptical.

B

Oh, you mean having croissants and baguettes every day?

C

They're so good.

B

They're so good. Not good for the waistline.

C

Yeah, but you don't get as fat as if you eat them over there. You know? Who makes some? Howard Johnson. Who makes them in our country? Who makes the baggage?

B

There's a couple places in LA that have really good intimates. Pepperidge Farm, there's some good places that have amazing croissant.

C

But, no, not like here. Okay. All right, well, thank you for Coming out. Let me. Let me finish this thing. Oh, you're not done, huh? Now I'm only 23 minutes in. This is usually what. When I. When I. Butcher. Oh, God. Are you serious?

A

Are you serious?

B

All right, well, you know, certain. Certain people have to take a nap in here.

C

Oh, well, you told me to come

B

in here in about an hour. In about an hour. They do.

C

All right. Look at you, walking out on the podcast the way I did on your play. Geez. I guess we're even now.

B

Even? Try it.

C

Oh, my God. Au revoir, madame. Oh, God. Dude, that play was. That play was the worst. Oh, this kid doing the thing with his hands. It was. It was. It was in a. How long are you supposed to sit there for that? You know? And she gets to go to a goddamn car race and sit there and look up dancing with the star. As I'm sitting there, she clearly bored out of her mind. Bored out of her mind at that race. Tough like fucking shoe leather that moots around. All right, where the fuck is the advertising for this? You know, I'll never live down that. I knew it. You know, it's so fucking stupid is if I just went back in for the final 90 fucking minutes. I'm the king of bringing up shit. You know, me time. She's fucking brought that up to me. Put it this way. I've got yelled at that longer than the fucking play was. All right, Please don't read on air. This is a note from somebody. Host says he doesn't know what he's saying. And at the end, he offers advice that directly contradicts what he read. They just asked that you not imply something. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Everybody fucking relax. Jesus Christ. Okay? It's not about giving people information. It's about it being entertaining. All right, all right. There you go. All right. Now, where did all my questions go away? All right, so anyways. Oh, my God, I made such. You know, I made such a fucking ass of myself. I've eaten so much French food, okay? I got folk and baguettes coming out of my fucking ears over here. And I'm growing a fucking beret where my hair used to be. Okay? I've been here for two fucking. So I. Up the street, they had this. They had a little pizzeria. So I'm like, okay, there's no way this pizza can be as bad as the pizza in la, you know? I know it's not gonna be as good as Italy. Who gives a Right? So I'm trying to find this place. And what happens when you're in a country where you don't speak the language is a lot of times you stop reading words and you just start looking at colors of things. And you start like. Like, anything yellow is a taxi. Anything blue becomes a police car. Like that type of shit. So there was this restaurant with this red awning, like the Italian restaurant. And I'm looking at it going, I don't know, man. This doesn't quite look right. And rather than just reading the French, what is it, Britisserie or something like that, Whatever. I went up to the guy, and I was just looking at the menu, and I was just, you know, I was just tired, and I couldn't find any pizzas or anything. So finally this guy walks out to one of the fucking ways. He's like, you know, bonjour, monsieur. I was like, excuse me, is this Italian restaurant? And he just like. He's like, no, monsieur, this is a French restaurant. And he just fucking turned around, walked away. Felt like such an asshole. What is it? Brasserie? Whatever it means, it was written right there across the red awning. And then it went one more block up, and there's the red awning. That was the Italian place. And I wanted to yell down, excuse me. You know, I was only off by a block. Go fuck yourself. But I knew he was right. And I went in and I ordered two pieces, right? I got the margarita, and then I got the one with the anchovies on it. And I gotta tell you, it was horrific. Worse than the pizza in la. But the salad, nissois was par famous, was actually delicious. But I might have Indian food tonight. I just. I can't do it anymore. I. I stayed here just a couple of days too long. But I got to see Guns n Roses. You want to hear my whole Guns n Roses story? Here. Okay. The first time they came around in a city that I was in, they were opening for Motley Crue, the original lineup. And I forget why I fucking missed that show, all right? And then. Then the Use your illusion tour came out, and I had a ticket to see him on that one. And then one of my buddies, you know, the love of his life, dumped him, and he was fucking devastated, borderline suicidal, and he needed some sort of fucking light in his life. So I said, hey, I got a ticket to Guns n Roses. You go. You need it, because I don't want to see you kill yourself. And he said, I appreciate that, man. And then, you know, all the drama happened, you know, and all the. You Know, the whole band basically was just axel, right? And then they didn't tour for like 10 years or something like that. And by then I was a comedian, I just, you know. And then when they got back together, I had a hookup to go to the show at the club there. The Troubadour, their first time back together. I had a ticket for that. But I was working on the road, I couldn't go. Every time I've tried to see this band, one of my favorite bands of all fucking time, I. I just. Something has always happened where I haven't been able to go. So finally, finally I'm gonna see him tonight. I can't fucking wait. It's gonna be. Yeah, that's not even gonna be real until it starts happening. That's how long I've been waiting to see this friggin band. So anyways, very excited about that and I'm also great. Way to wind up a perfect trip and then get back to the States and do some stand up. Because I have not done stand up in a couple of weeks. Old fucking Rusty Jones is gonna limp on stage down at the Comedy Store later on this weekend. Probably try to get my fucking act back together. So anyways, let's. My daughter has to take a nap. My lovely daughter. She's so cute. She could say all these French words now. Oui, bon, Bonjour. Why isn't this light working? I can't even see how many times I've done here. All right, let's just read a couple of questions here. Oh, Van Cant el. 24 hours of le Mans. Le Mans. Hey, Billy Bourguignon. I just heard you say you were going to Le Mans for the race. I'm from Cleveland, but was able to go to the 24 hours twice when I happen to be in France for work the same week. Not sure what your plans are there, but had to let you know about an awesome hidden gem along the Muslane straight. My first time there, 2012, a friend came out to meet me and we drove down the. With essentially no plans, didn't have tickets or a place to stay that night. We bought tickets at the gate and got in just in time for the start, then ended up befriending and drinking with a group of Brits that lasted most of the day. Oh, this is how you do it. One of them. This is what I'm gonna do the next time. One of them told us of a bar somewhere along the. No way. The ridiculously long straight that runs a few miles away from the area of the track you get access to. Oh, you get access to with the ticket. So him and the two of us decided to leave the track and catch a cab to try finding it. Took forever seeking it out though random back roads. The streets you would usually get to it are on. Wait, the street you would usually get to it on is the racetrack. Found out after the fact. The place is called. I can't read this. Auberge de Ha and was a great spot to eat, drink while catching a short glimpse of cars at top speed just before the first chicane. I would definitely recommend seeking it out if possible. But also I learned on my second trip there a few years later, you should definitely make a reservation. Maybe it's not so hidden anymore because it was too crowded to get in and they only speak French if you call for one. We stayed there late into the night that first time. Eventually, one of the restaurant employees gave us a ride back to our car on the other side of the track where we. Oh, you. You'd like, stayed there for the whole fucking race, huh? Well, we got maybe a couple hours of sleep anyways. Just had to tell you about that. That track is so crazy compared to anything you'll see in F1. It's definitely worth getting outside of the main area, whether you seek out that spot or somewhere else, just to get an idea of how massive the track is and see them doing 200 miles an hour down dark country roads with just their headlights to the track. Not sure if you'll actually get this message. Before I missed all of that, I was on the main straightaway, and it just looked like a regular racetrack. Well, I'll be like you the second time around. Hopefully I'll get it right. God damn it. I didn't know there was all of that rejection letters. You know, what was crazy was there was a fucking airport, like, really, like, parallel, like, right almost touching the main straightaway. And I kept seeing these helicopters, like, taking off. And, you know, I thought they were just following the race. And all of a sudden I saw, like, a Learjet flying right along where a helicopter had just been flying along. I'm like, there's no way that's safe. What is that all about? Is that some rich guy just going, I don't give a. I'm paying you buzz. The racetrack weave around these fucking helicopters, you know? But turned out there was a. There was a airport right there. Anyways, anyways. Oh, here's this one. Is this one. I should bring Leah in here for this one. Rejection letter. Psycho Bill wondering if you saw this. This accomplished clarinet player was accepted to his dream school, but never received the good news because his then girlfriend deleted it, sent him a fake rejection email that turned out to be a $265,000 mistake on her part. Okay, let's see what the fuck happened. All right. This kid, his hard work paid off. The accomplished clarinet had been accepted to his dream school. But he never got to hear the good news. That's because when his acceptance email arrived in 2014, his then girlfriend deleted it and sent him a fake rejection email from the school. It was a $265,000 mistake. He said. It was really devastating to feel that incredible betrayal. It made me think of our whole relationship and made me feel like everything might have been a lie anywhere. It began a college sophomore Studying Music at McGill University at the time, this kid had applied to a two year full scholarship program to finish his bachelor's degree at the Colburn Conservatory of Music in Los Angeles. Itching to study with a renowned clarinet teacher. So and so spent many late nights in practice rooms to prepare for his auditions, which he thought went well. The full scholarship, which includes tuition, room and board, is worth about 50 grand a year. And so and so said graduating from Colburn would have sent him up for high set him up for high paying symphony career. When he was rejected, the kid was crushed. It was disappointing feeling, he said. I had such high hopes the kid would have studied with this person who was considered one of the best clarinet instructors in the world. He said the school accepts only two students each year at Colburn and he was one of them. How she covered her tracks. This Wednesday, a Canadian court ruled that this guy's ex girlfriend owed him more than $265,000. 350 grand Canadian for damages including loss of reputation, educational opportunity and two years of potential income. Roughly $37,000. Can you fucking. Can you believe like the level

B

of

C

like break into his. Like she'd have to be knowing that he that letter is coming. She had to be constantly scared. First of all, she knows his fucking, I guess computer passwords. It's just scanning it, scanning it finds it sees that he gets accepted, fucking deletes this guy's dream and then comes up with a whole phony thing. I don't even. I wonder how the fuck they found out. But this is why this, this whole fucking, you know, this me too shit now where they're just saying straight across the board believe women when there's women like that out there, okay, there's A reason why that there's due process and you have to have evidence and you have to listen to both sides of the fucking story. Yet again, another person was accused this week. And without this part, the person being accused, without them ever responding, the stuff that people wrote on Twitter, I always knew this person was a piece of shit. I love one person was the fucking most self serving thing ever. If you're still following so and so unfollow me, right? Like, like, wow, man, you're really sticking up for women. You're willing to lose to lose like fucking Twitter followers. Way to make a fucking stand. It's not making it about yourself. You jerk off. And I'm not saying anybody innocent, guilty or whatever. The reality is then the guy then responds and says, no, look, we argued and blah, blah, blah, blah. And she ended up being unfaithful to me and I didn't want to be with somebody that was unfaithful to me. So then at that point I just want to know, like, how does anybody make a judgment? Any sane, rational person, like, you read her story like, wow, man, that's really fucked up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you read his thing and say, oh well then there's that side of it. So then what you just now at that point, you've read two things online. Like just imagine a court of, in a court of law, somebody's like entire future was on the line and the plaintiff and the defendant, all they were going to do was write two paragraphs of, I don't even call it a blog or whatever, and then you were going to determine, you know, somebody's ability to continue their career or not. Is, is I, am I? That's a little fucking nuts, people. And this is what's driving me up the wall is I've been saying this at shows and you know, the vibe is people fucking agree with that, but everybody's afraid to say it. So it's just, I know it's just not a. This, you know, this shit that guys have been doing to women has to fucking stop. But I don't think the way to go about it is to just make blanket statements of believe women. Like it's like all of them, even the ones who key people's cars and fucking break laptops and destruction of property, all of that. Even the ones that fucking, you know, are out there saying that they love somebody just because the guys got fuck him, all of them. I don't know, it's a, it's a little fucking tough. It's just Such a fucking. I never, I can't. I don't always. I'm just really surprised at how fucking. Just how afraid everybody is and how everybody just chooses self preservation. And they'll sit there and they'll watch somebody twist in the wind, you know, because there's been, you know, there's been the ones that are obviously, like, this guy's a fucking monster. This guy should be in jail. And then there's been some other ones like, what? And it. But everybody still shuts the fuck up while these lunatics on Twitter are like, you know, fucking burn them at the stake. I don't know, I keep thinking that eventually, like, it's, it's going to like, calm down a little bit, where people are going to be like, okay, if that, what that woman wrote is true, this needs to happen. Why don't we all just hang on a second and listen to what the guy has to say? And then, even then, all you've done is just. It's. That's like you show up at a fucking car accident and then both drivers are pointing at each other and, you know, and you weren't there when it fucking happened. I don't. That's another thing too. When you watch all of these, like, these, these videos and shit of, you know, injustices happening. What I can't stand about those fucking videos is it always starts aft, for the most part, after the injustice happened. And it's one person's point of view on it. And everybody just watches it and acts like they just saw a documentary or actually just watched the footage from beginning to end. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just a 30,000 fucking lunatics on, on social media. I have no idea.

A

But

C

I don't know. Like, Nia showed me one the other day and I was just watching, going like, all right, well what she's bitching about I. That isn't on this the footage. It's just her yelling at the guy saying, why did you do that? You didn't see him do what she's saying that he did. And he's standing there defending himself, saying, I didn't fucking do it. But it's her video. So her point of view becomes what happened. This is getting confusing to me. Just trying to fucking explain it to you anyways, all right, 28 year old virgin. Hey, Billy, Billy. Bill Blaster, Love the podcast and your raging sanity. I'm going to be honest, I don't think there's a solution to my problem. Oh, come on, man. But just hearing you Talk about it might help me see it as a so bad it's funny kind of situation. I'm a 28 year old virgin and he writes, oh Jesus, I'm ugly as shit. Oh, come on man. Except even shit has dung beetles that appreciate the aesthetic. All right, so you got a sense of humor, self deprecating. I got big ass ears that lie perpendicular to the side of my head. Big triangle nose, balding island pattern, small oh, island of hair on the forehead with the rest of the hair in a horseshoe pattern. Very hairy all over except my fucking head. Pointy ass, man titties with pepperoni nipples. Jesus Christ. And best of all, my genitals alone would send any woman sprinting towards the horizon. Aside from that, can't complain, respectable job, good friends, great family. Bit heavy. Five nine, 160 pounds. Dude, that's not heavy, but otherwise healthy. I try to stay upbeat, but I, as I get older, it really starts to weigh on me that I'm destined to live life on as a solo player. Any advice would be appreciated. Wish you and your family all the best. Yeah, dude, come on man, you got to step up to the plate, all right? You're saying game over before you even play the game. All right? You have a great sense of humor. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. The fact that you say you're a bit heavy at 59160, you know, I think you're being, it means to me that you're prop yet you're not heavy. Which means you're probably not nearly as ugly as you're saying. Yeah, dude, I would get out there, I would get out there. There's, there's dating apps, there's all kinds of shit you can do. I mean, I, you know, you got any friends, any guy friends and just tell them, just say, Dude, I'm a 28 year old fucking virgin. You got to help me out here. Maybe that's not the way to go because guys will fucking be like, try to just find you some, you know, loose woman. That's not, I don't think that's the way you want to go,

A

but I,

C

yeah, I would just. You gotta, you gotta get up to the plate, dude, you gotta get up to the plate and you have to stop looking at yourself the way you're looking at yourself. You gotta keep that great sense of humor, but you know, you're not ugly as shit. Okay, dude, look at me, okay? I'm a fucking 50 year old bald redheaded male and I think I look Great. It's all how you look at yourself, okay? But if you think you look good, you feel good about yourself, it's a nice vibe to fucking have. And you'll attract people, all right? And just use your sense. I have. The number one thing you got going for yourself is aside from the fact you still have your whole life ahead of you, you're only 21, 28 years old. You've got a great sense of humor. Women love to laugh, huh? How do you think I landed near? I made a fucking laugh? Sure as hell wasn't. Because from my fucking looks, I don't know what it was. Who the fuck knows? But if she knew 15 years later she'd be going to the 24 Hours of Le Mans, I don't think she would have gone.

B

You landed me because I knew about your earning potential. That's it. What?

C

Oh, my God. Hey, Nia.

B

Kidding. I'm just kidding. I loved you long before any of this.

C

Anyone. I was making money when you met me.

B

No, you were not.

C

Yes, I was. I was on the rich tour.

B

Right, but like, you weren't rich. Sorry.

C

I was doing great anyways.

B

Yeah, I never, I, I.

C

Because I never told you.

B

You never told me? I didn't ask, I didn't care. Like, it just.

C

Oh, wow. This is amazing. You just came in here and became a hero. Hey, can you help this guy out? He's a 28 year old virgin. He said he's a 28 year old virgin.

B

That's fine.

C

He goes, I'm ugly as.

B

Oh.

C

He goes, except even has dung beetles that appreciate the aesthetic.

B

Oh, sweetie.

C

But he's. See what you. Yeah, but he's got a great sense of humor. He goes, I got big ass ears that lie perpendicular to the side of my head. Big.

B

So does Will Smith.

C

Big triangle nose.

B

I don't know about that.

C

Yeah. What about Adrien Brody? You like him?

B

Oh, yeah.

C

There you go.

B

He's got a big ass Roman nose. And I like it.

C

Balding island pattern, you know. You got the circle here with the horseshoe.

B

Shave it all off. Shaved.

C

Very hairy all over except my fucking head. He goes, pointy ass man titties with pepperoni nipples. This sounds like Jim Norton wrote this. And best of all, he goes, my genitals alone would send any woman sprinting towards the horizon.

B

Oh, got a little one.

C

Wow. All right. So what does he do? Got a little one.

B

Listen, I, I know they say. Listen I. I know they say that the man makes the clothes. The clothes don't make the man. But I feel like, you know, maybe you need to shave that head bald. Like the way Bill has it. So, you know, there's no like, trace. Anytime that horseshoe starts to come back, you just slap some shaving cream on it and go to town on that bad boy.

C

Then people think, you know, like MMA or some shit.

B

Wax your back because that shit's nasty. Just wax it. Just boom, just deal with it. That you'll be fine.

C

He's already 60% better looking right there.

B

Yeah, go, you know, go to the gym. You'll feel. Never mind.

C

Dude, he's 5 9, 16 0. He said, he says I'm a. He goes, I'm a. He said I'm a bit heavy.

B

5 9, 16 doesn't sound big to me. That sounds. Maybe you're doughy, maybe you're fleshy. Fleshy. Maybe you're skinny fat. Like, you know, you don't have any tone in your body. Yeah, yeah. Not my temple, not my tempo.

C

So here's what he does. He shaves his head. Shaves his head. He gets shredded. No, for the women. Shave your head, get shredded because he'll

B

feel better about himself just even going to the gym. You'll make himself feel better. I mean, I don't know what to do about your dick size. I mean, I hope your eat out game is strong because so what if

C

he had like a 12 pack abs? You get with a guy. 12 pack abs, 12 packs, eight pack, whatever. Eight pack abs.

B

None of that is necessary. You don't need to.

C

No, wait, can you let me finish with the scenario? Eight pack abs that you kiss down, that leads to his little fella down there.

B

Yeah.

C

Are you. You'd be less disappointed if you had the little fucking xylophone above it where you go.

B

I mean, it would certainly help. Maybe you should also like cut down your pubes so you're just. Dick looks bigger but he doesn't need.

C

His dick isn't small. 5' 9, 160. If he fucking thinks he's fat, I bet his dick is fine.

B

I don't know. He says it's small. So listen, some guys aren't blessed and that's fine. That's why I'm saying your eat out game better be strong. Your eat out game, your fingering game, all that stuff. Ass eating what, whatever, just get it down.

C

I don't know what. I don't even know who you are right now.

B

Don't tell him. You need to get a 12 pack. That's too intimidating. Just go to the gym like not everybody has to have washboard abs.

C

I'm just. You just told this guy that. You know all of these skills, like when you first get laid, all you know is stick it in. And now you're doing all these fucking, you know, next level moves. Those are all next level moves, right? Oh, and act out. I wouldn't say fingering, though. Yeah, that. That's a pre. That's the prequel. That's like the third Star wars, right?

B

Listen, as long as he knows where the clit is, he'll be fine, right?

C

Yeah. And I would think with videos and everything on the Internet, I think it'll be fine.

B

But don't use porn as a guide. Porn. Like, I just feel like porn guys up because, like, you.

C

I'm not saying to use porn. So should he go to www.Clinkenstein's Clitfinder, the wholesome Clitfinder?

B

No, this is when you.

C

What if he.

B

This is when you save your money and you get a nice professional woman who can, like, help you with all that? That's not the ideal way to lose your virginity, but yeah.

C

Oh, you say you get a hooker.

B

An escort.

C

What's interesting, a hooker and an escort?

B

I don't know really, but escort sounds nice.

C

Chance of std?

B

Well, I mean, you know, the escorts have, like websites and stuff.

C

And hookers. Hookers are just Venmo.

B

It's not like cash. I mean, I think cash is preferred.

C

I mean, listen, and hookers are outside, like those people when they try to get you to go into the place to get your taxes done, out there flipping the signs around.

B

Right, Exactly.

C

Okay.

B

Not that I have a problem with street hookers either. Listen, Daddy, do what you got to do, but he just needs a little guidance, a little self esteem. I don't know. I feel like this is weird because it's like I'm promoting prostitution.

C

Yeah, I think what I said was a little more positive. I said go on dating sites and stuff like that and use your sense of humor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Forget. Forget the escorts. Did I say escorts? I'm sorry.

B

No, because I, you know, feel like sex workers are fine and whatever. Yeah, but what's his question?

C

He wants to get laid.

B

Oh.

C

He doesn't want to go through life alone.

B

Of course, none of us do. Well, yeah, I gave my suggestions. Like what? More what? More what? You know, nothing.

C

Nothing. You want to do the last one here? You're on a roll here.

B

Sure.

C

Yeah. You're just fucking killing it. And there's. There's a level of coldness to you Today. That's really funny.

B

We talked about that last night.

C

Oh, yeah. What are you.

A

What are you over.

C

You over the podcast or something?

B

No, no, no. But no, it's just my coldness. It's just like, you know what I have to do to survive in life. It's cold world, baby.

C

All right. Mr. Friends mom is a psycho.

B

Mr. Friend.

C

Mr. Friends. This sounds like a TV show. Mr. Friend's mom is a psycho. Dear Bill, I have a friend who's been getting grounded a lot recently for the dumbest shit.

B

Does he mean my friend's mom, not Mr. Friends mom?

C

Probably. But I like Mr. Friend's mom better. All my friends have known for a while that his mom was a psycho, but now it's getting way worse. First he got grounded for a month. How old is this person? Yeah, I was gonna say wasn't allowed to leave the house outside of school at all because he got a 70 on one test. His grades are good. Not great, but better than 70% of the kids at my school. Now, just this past week, he got grounded for the entire summer for using his laptop to text when he wasn't supposed to be able to communicate with anybody outside the house when he's not in School. He's 16 years old, by the way. Is there anything I could do, could or should do to help him? Or should I just leave it alone? You got to leave it alone.

B

Yeah. You're not the parent. Just be his friend and just commiserate with him.

C

But leave how? He's grounded for the whole summer.

B

Damn. He can't leave the house or, like, anything like that.

C

No, I know what I would do, but I'm not giving him minor advice.

B

Yeah, exactly. That's probably.

C

Yeah, I'm gonna stay away from this one.

B

Moving on.

C

Moving on.

B

By the way, 70 is not acceptable on a test.

C

He didn't say. He said his grades are good. They're not great. He's kind of agreeing with you. Yeah, he's just saying. That's not justification. One text message. You can't go out the whole summer.

B

What does he know about parenting or any of that stuff? You're too young.

C

Do you think so? You think that's a fair thing?

B

Someone got a 70 on a test to ground them.

C

No, don't communicate with your friends outside of school. And then he sent one text message or whatever, and now he can't go out for the whole summer.

B

That's definitely extreme. I don't think that I would parent like that. But that's not my kid. And I don't know what else he's doing.

C

I also don't know if it was just one text he sent. One text?

B

Yeah.

C

What was the text about?

B

We're leaving that alone.

A

Okay.

B

We're skipping.

C

What does it say here? How much time have I done?

B

One minute and 26, 27.

C

Okay, that's one hour. One hour and 27. You think we've done a minute? We did a minute on this podcast. Yeah.

B

You can wrap it up.

A

Okay.

B

What a minute.

C

Yeah, you said. I said, how much time have I done? You said one minute.

B

Oh, I'm at one hour.

C

One hour. Okay, cool. All right, well, that's right.

B

You can wrap it up.

C

Yeah. That's the podcast. Nia, I've had such a wonderful time here with you.

B

This has always been. This is our place.

C

That's right. That's right.

B

And we got to bring the baby. Like, how special is that? I told you. I was in the kitchen. I was, like, cleaning up, and I was looking over at her playing in the living room, and I was like, no, I was making her dinner. I was like, I'm making dinner for my little baby girl and parrot. Like, it's just. It's so special.

C

So how cool. When she says a French word, oh, my God, say weed. She goes, oui, oui, imitator. When she says, say thanks.

B

Thanks.

C

Yeah. She nods her head. She asks for food. You go, what are you saying? She goes. And then you give it to you. Now you're saying, she goes, thanks. She nods her whole head like a bad commercial from the 1950s. It's the cutest thing ever. Anyways, that's it.

B

Thank you for bringing us here, Bibi.

C

Merci beaucoup.

B

Happy fabulous day.

C

Bon. We had a great time, and that's it. And thank you once again to Tom Rhodes for letting me know about that patisserie. Delicious. Oh, you just had the. The pistachio macaroon. You gotta have those sandwiches. I got. I got the jambon avep fromage.

B

Oh, that one's mine.

C

Well, no, I gave you a half of each. And, you know, I got a salmon one.

B

Oh, okay, cool.

C

They're like, punch the wall. Good. Incredible.

A

All right.

C

That's the podcast. Oh, I gotta say it in French.

A

I gotta.

C

I gotta say, keep forgetting how to say go yourself. I keep forget how to say go yourself. Vatu fair angule.

B

I'll.

C

I'll check in on you on Thursday. It.

B

Sam,

C

It.