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Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 20, 2026. Six, six, six. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Aw, geez. 5, 23. Sunday afternoon, Pacific coast time. I'll tell you, one of the easiest

Joe Rogan

things to do in the world is to play with your kids. And then the hardest thing in the world is to try to get something done when your kids are there.

Bill Burr

If you're just playing with them, it's all good. The second you try to be like, can you guys just, like, not try to kill each other? And I'm just gonna go in the other room and do X, Y, and Z. Nope, dad. Yeah, it just. It just. It's. It's. And you just look at him.

Joe Rogan

You're. Can you guys just chill?

Bill Burr

Can you just chill? Give me 10 minutes. Can you just chill for 10 minutes?

Joe Rogan

You're like, huh, huh, huh?

Bill Burr

10 seconds later, dad. Or there's a fight when somebody needs something or something falls down. It's just you, literally. And then when you're hanging out with them, they don't do anything.

Joe Rogan

They're just sitting there and they're just

Bill Burr

totally chill, eating a sandwich, looking cute as hell. The second you leave, it's like they make, like, a plan.

Joe Rogan

Like, all right, let's up. Immediately.

Bill Burr

Immediately. Let's. Everything we just agreed to is out

Joe Rogan

the window the second he leaves this room. But anyway, I actually had a great day. I went on a bike ride with my son, and then we watched the World Cup Final, and then we swam in the pool. And now I'm trying to get, like a half hour of this knocked out. So tomorrow morning, after I make him breakfast, I can do the other half. That's, you know, you pick your spots, right? So anyway, let's.

Bill Burr

Let's talk.

Joe Rogan

Jesus.

Bill Burr

First of all, congratulations to the Garden State.

Joe Rogan

New Jersey.

Bill Burr

New Jersey hosted the World Cup Final. Not New York. New Jersey. No, New Jersey. If you went to the World cup final, you were there.

Joe Rogan

Were.

Bill Burr

You were only in one state. You were in the state of New Jersey. That's it. That's it. You know why it's called the Garden State? Because it's fucking beautiful. Do you know why everybody thinks it sucks? Because New Yorkers only go as far as Newark Airport and they're like, oh, this fucking place. Fucking. It's ugly. It's fucking ikea. Fuck this fucking place.

Joe Rogan

No, it's gorgeous. It is gorgeous. Especially, especially, especially

Bill Burr

north of the George

Joe Rogan

Washington Bridge along the Hudson River. Oh, my God. Also, the people in New Jersey have the view.

Bill Burr

They have the view of the city.

Joe Rogan

It's fucking gorgeous.

Bill Burr

When you're in the city, it's like. It's like, you know, it's up against your face.

Joe Rogan

Listen, I'm not saying don't live in New York City.

Bill Burr

I'm just saying if some shit's going

Joe Rogan

down in New Jersey and just because

Bill Burr

it's cool, you know, how come. How come when what was the Jersey Shore, how come when that was a huge ratings hit, how come New York

Joe Rogan

didn't claim that they didn't want any part of that? That wasn't cool. Anyway, I went to a cigar bar with a friend of mine and we watched the. The Constellation game, whatever you call it, France versus England, to see who was going to get third and fourth place. I have to tell you, if. If the World Cup Final was like that game, I think you would have got America.

Bill Burr

That. That was the soccer game.

Joe Rogan

America has been waiting for 10 goals, all right?

Bill Burr

That is America. Big Gulp. Obesity. 10 fucking goals. We don't want that one nothing shit. We want that fucking Mexican guy to lose his voice going, go. We want to kick it up a notch.

Joe Rogan

Emerald Lugassi. So I'm watching the fucking game, right? And I'm rooting for France. My buddy is.

Bill Burr

I don't know, I think he might

Joe Rogan

be rooting for France, too. But mostly, mostly everybody there was rooting for England. So England goes up 1 nothing, 2 nothing, 3 nothing. In case you didn't see it, they're

Bill Burr

up 4 to nothing. At 3 nothing.

Joe Rogan

My buddy goes, this is over, man. He Goes, in soccer, you get up by two goals, it's over. And I'm like, yeah, tell that to Egypt. And he's like, well, I mean, there's exceptions to the rule, you know. So then it was three nothing, and then four nothing. He goes, man, this is a snoozer.

Bill Burr

So at halftime, I look at him and I go, I bet you 100

Joe Rogan

bucks France scores two goals in the second half. He goes, you're out of your mind.

Bill Burr

I go, watch.

Joe Rogan

I go, england's gonna go into a defensive thing like they did when they were playing Argentina, and that's how they ended up tying it up and lost. You know, I don't know shit about soccer. I'm basing it on one fucking game. I go, they're gonna. I'm using American references. They're gonna play Marty ball. So he goes, all right, you're on a hundred bucks, right? There was, like, no penalty time in the first half. They ended, like, almost right at 45 minutes. So the second half starts. France scores a goal, like, two minutes in, 47 minutes into the game. And I just stand up and I'm looking at him.

Bill Burr

He goes, nah, nah, nah, whatever, whatever.

Joe Rogan

He goes, they're not going to do it, or something like that. France scores the second goal, 51 minutes in. So basically, six minutes into the second half, I got 100 bucks. So I look at him, I go, you want to go double or nothing? That they score a third goal. And. And he said, no. I was like, all right.

Bill Burr

So France then makes it four to three.

Joe Rogan

All of these English people, they got their head in their hands. It was fucking hilarious. Obviously, Boston sports fan, I've been on both sides lately. I was on the good side this decade. I mean, this century. But last century, I was, for the most part, head in hands, going, how the fuck did we blow that? And then England mercifully scores a five goal, the fifth goal. So that's five to three.

Bill Burr

And then France scores again, five, four.

Joe Rogan

And then finally, I think when they made it five three, that was a penalty kick. And then France scored five, four. And then England scored one last one to make it 6 4. So the fucking cigar bar was going crazy. So anyway, and I also found out why England said to bring it home, bring the World cup home. Not because they won the World Cup a bunch of times, because the game

Bill Burr

of soccer was actually invented in England.

Joe Rogan

That's why they say coming home. But this is the funny part.

Bill Burr

It was invented by some guy, Ebenezer something or other.

Joe Rogan

Something or other, right? Like three names, like Louis Gossett Junior. Right? And well, that's actually Junior doesn't count. Ephraim Zimbalist. No. Lou Diamond Phillips. Styman. A nickname. John Henry Bonham. There we go. Like that, right? And guess what they called him? He invented football and they called him the father of soccer. So don't ever listen to these cunts.

Bill Burr

Go, right?

Joe Rogan

Why are you calling it soccer?

Bill Burr

Why do you call it football? I don't know. Why do you call it the British Empire? What do you call it?

Joe Rogan

A kingdom?

Bill Burr

It's like a fucking island and a half.

Joe Rogan

The fuck are you guys on about?

Bill Burr

Call it whatever we want. When you stuck, you start calling it the English Islands, you know, we'll stop. We're still calling it football.

Joe Rogan

How about that? Anyway, so. So I went 100 bucks off him. So I'm like, give a chance to win your money back. I go, who do you want tomorrow? He goes, I'll take Argentina. And I said, all right, I'll take Spain. I didn't want to root for Argentina anyways, you know, because I don't even know anything. But everybody says they got FIFA in their back pocket, you know, and then they say how they fucking. All the. All these, these fucking war criminals around the world, when time comes for them to fucking run and hide, they're all going to go to Argentina. This is what they're telling me. Which. But if you go back in the history, you know, they were a safe haven for the Nazis. So I don't think Netanyahu can go there. I don't know where he would go. So this is what it says, what Argentina did. Okay. After World War II, a clandestine escape network known as the Ratlines helped thousands of Nazi war criminals evade prosecution by fleeing to South America. This operation was actively facilitated by sympathetic Catholic Church clergy and the Vatican who provide.

Bill Burr

Dude, it's all about money.

Joe Rogan

The Nazis were killing off a whole fucking religion.

Bill Burr

Catholics, well, that's more for us. It's unbelievable how you could be a man of God and just. And not give a fuck. Not only not give a fuck, but

Joe Rogan

help out those fucking animals after what they did.

Bill Burr

Okay, Anyway, who provided forged documents? Okay, Catholic clergy and the Vatican. Who provided forged documents and safe passage to Argentina with the support of President Juan Peron. The connection between the Catholic Church, Argentina and escaping Nazis involves several specific components. The Rat line smugglers, including Austrian Bishop Alois Hudel and Croatian priests Kruslav Dragnovic leveraged Catholic institutions and the Pontifical Commission.

Joe Rogan

I think that means the Pope of

Bill Burr

Assistance to secure false identity papers and Red Cross traveled documents for fleeing SS officers. Argentine clergy. High ranking Argentine clergymen such as Cardinal Antonio Cagiano actively traveled to Europe to secure visas and provide recommendations to the Argentinian Embassy. Effectively safe haven it for war criminals. Argentina became the primary destination for these figures. Notable Nazis such as Adolf Eichmann who escaped Argentina in 1950, Joseph Mengele and Eric Prebeck lived openly in the country

Joe Rogan

under aliases shielded by the government and sympathetic local networks.

Bill Burr

Now, before we get on our high horse here in the United States after World War II, the United States government secretly allowed thousands of Nazis and collaborators to immigrant agencies like the CIA and the FBI actively protected and employed them as scientists and engineers and spies during the Cold War. The US has since investigated these human rights violations and deported the last known living suspects. A classified government report details how intelligent

Joe Rogan

officials create a safe haven for these individuals.

Bill Burr

For deeper investigations into the chapter of

Joe Rogan

history, explore the following resources.

Bill Burr

So there you go. So I, you know, I live in this country. I cannot, I can't judge these people, which is kind of funny to me. This is what's funny with me. I'm not gonna, I'll speak around it,

Joe Rogan

but I did a gig one time and I got all of this shit of how could you perform there? Which was immediately fucking hilarious to me.

Bill Burr

It's like, well, why don't you pick up a fucking history book, okay? You can give me shit for every

Joe Rogan

gig I've ever done in my career.

Bill Burr

Other than, I think, Iceland, even like

Joe Rogan

New Zealand, I think they've been involved in some fucked up shit.

Bill Burr

I don't know about human stuff, but

Joe Rogan

like dumping shit in the ocean. For as much as they're in Eden down there, I know that they've. Or maybe they were also finning sharks. I forget something I was reading about recently that went in my head and right back out. And now I'm taking down a whole fucking country and I can't even say what I'm accusing them of. I mean, if that isn't the Monday morning podcast, I don't know what is. So anyways, it's all filthy is what I'm trying to say. It's all goddamn filthy. But anyway, congratulations to Spain for winning their second World Cup. You know, it's all filthy. France, England and Spain were the biggest colonizers. Argentina, you know, evidently they got Nazis going there. Evidently we did too. It all just kind of makes sense. The whole thing makes sense.

Bill Burr

But remember, God loves us best. This is why, you know, the more

Joe Rogan

I read the Less I believe in any sort of organized religion as far as anybody actually knowing or being right. It's all. It's a guess. And I understand where it kind of. Where it came from. Aside from control and all of that evil stuff. There is something that is incredible that we are all alive. How nature works, how it all works. It's just. It couldn't just be a stroke of luck. There has to be something. I buy into all of that. I have no problem with that. There's a higher power. But this whole idea that we are fucking special and da, da, da, da, da, like how much life has been on this planet and how long we've been on this planet does not line up with the whole.

Bill Burr

You know, and God made Adam and Eve and he made us in his image, and it's all about us.

Joe Rogan

It's very narcissistic. Very narcissistic, the whole fucking thing. And the narcissist narcissism doesn't stop with that. It then goes to. Our version of that ridiculous shit is 100% right. Therefore, I have the right to kill you. So I stay away from all of that shit. I'm into vibes, man. If you're fucking cool, man, you just fucking, you know, rooting for people. Couple of hits off a joint, a little glass of red wine, you're not bothering anybody. You know, I think you're all right. I think you're all right. You don't get involved in anybody's bullshit, you know, Anyway, yeah, Like, I honestly think, you know, what happened to Germany had to do with how much land they were taking. That's what it's really about, because human beings have shown over and over and over and over and over again. It's just about money and. And it's about power. And they don't give a fuck what is happening to people around the world. They just don't. You and I might, you know, I mean, we'll stand and join arms in a stadium and sing we are the

Bill Burr

World, we are the children. And we'll fucking throw a couple bucks

Joe Rogan

into a cardboard box on the way

Bill Burr

out of the stadium. And then the reptile people go, all right, looks like we got enough money for a boat. Let's get some horse.

Joe Rogan

Anyway, so I am now a soccer fan.

Bill Burr

I had so much goddamn fun watching it. And I have to commend everybody that played. There was so little flopping around and all of that shit. It was very enjoyable to watch.

Joe Rogan

And I hope that type of play continues because I just found it to Be like, devoid of any sort of honor. Like, how could you do that? Like, just fake it like that. Argentina was doing a pretty good job towards the end when they needed a goal, you know, And I did notice that if blue goes down, the flag came up. But anyway, they also gave Argentina a fucking red card in a final. So, I mean, I can't bitch about anything like that. But anyway, some sad news here. One of the greatest drummers in the world, one of the best to ever do it, unfortunately passed away. Rodney Holmes. Shout out to him. Condolences to all his friends and family. Just an absolute beast on the kit. So creative, so original. I first became aware of him when I bought the DVD of the Modern Drummer. You know what I used to have, it was just the drum day or whatever, and they used to have a DVD every year, and I used to always get it. And I would see all of these guys. Well, one year in 2005 was when I became a fan of Rodney Holmes. He came out, he played this Toma kit was like seafoam green, but cooler. Cooler color than that. It was a little brighter than that. And he came out and he played. He played traditional grip and he just was blazing around the kit. But then he would bring it down. Like, he had dynamics, he'd slow it down, speed it back up, have like these flurries. And then he had like this little. I can't say little, but it was based off a simple idea where he went up the toms. Remember, it was like dong, dong. And he was playing like, what would have quarters on his hi hat. And then he filled in all of that space between those hits with these diddles, this cowbell thing between, you know, between his left and his right hand on the snare and the cowbell. And then these accents on the toms, and then something underneath with his hi hat and his bass drum. And it just blew everybody away. And I remember when he was playing it, he. He looked over to the side of the stage where the other drummers, you know, that were going to play that day. And I remember, like, playfully, he smiled and stuck his tongue out at him like, you know, top this. And it was just so cool. And his command and the beauty of the way this kid played. I was just a immediate, immediate fan. Followed him on Instagram and all of that. And he didn't post a lot and, you know, just seemed like he was just all about being an artist and getting better and everything. So. Rodney Holmes, check him out. Check out Modern Drummer 2005 and just watch that Solo that he played and then go into his catalog and listen to the music that he played with other great musicians. Unfortunately, Rest in peace, Rodney Holmes, one of the greatest to ever do it. And with that, like, how do you come out of that? Speaking of what? Speaking of that. I know how to come out of that. There's this great clip of Paul Stanley and he's. He's talking to the crowd and somebody posted this on Instagram. And Paul Stanley really is one of the great frontmen of all time. And he was. He went to Manchester and it was around the time when there was that terrorist attack and everything.

Bill Burr

So he had to somehow

Joe Rogan

say something. You know, he had to say something because it was such a tragedy. It was on everybody's mind. And then they got this big show, everybody's there, kind of a little nervous, and he had to say something nice. But then the thing is, he has to go back into the KISS catalog. So if you find the clip, it's like he says what he has to say to the, to the crowd, which they all appreciate and like. And then he's got his.

Bill Burr

You know, he had to walk the line between being sensitive and being a rock star. And he tried, he tried to find

Joe Rogan

that middle ground, but then the bands catalog betrayed him and he had to go out of. Saying a moment of silence for all the people that died in the Manchester bombings and then immediately intro the song, Lick it up.

Bill Burr

I mean, it's just one of the

Joe Rogan

things that makes Spinal Tap not look like a. It's not a comedic documentary. It's just. It's a serious documentary anyway. But having said that, I am a huge, huge, huge Paul Stanley fan. I just, I love his voice and you know, just as his frontman energy, you just, you know, I was never the biggest Kiss fan. In fact, what was my favorite song that they did, which I still stand by it, I think now I got like, lick it up. Is that what it is? It was one of the ones off of Animalize. I think it was on the Animal Eyes album. I know I have it downloaded. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't even. What is this one? No, that's not it. No, I don't have. Starts off where he goes, woo hoo hoo hoo, yeah can't get dinner that

Bill Burr

my blood boils hot.

Joe Rogan

I gotta sing and feel my temperature

Bill Burr

rise Baby, I'm getting closer Baby, breathe.

Joe Rogan

You always had to breathe in Michael.

Bill Burr

Oh, that's. Feel my heat taking you high Burn with me Heaven's on fire Angels by. With this I just want dinner now. Heaven's on fire now. I always thought that maybe Boogie Nights,

Joe Rogan

when Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly are singing that song about heat, that it was based off of that feel my heat. And then they go, he will rock you. He will rock, baby.

Bill Burr

My heat will move your soul all day, all night. And I love how you would think that they would say, I feel so right, but they go, all day, all night, you feel my heat. I always thought that that little song

Joe Rogan

that they did and their commitment to it was one of the most brilliant pieces of comedy because it should have been all day, all night. You feel so right. You feel my heat.

Bill Burr

And I also love that it's a

Joe Rogan

one syllable word and they make it two syllables so it sounds even worse.

Bill Burr

Feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, feel my heat.

Joe Rogan

It's amazing. It's amazing. That was a song for a long time that my lovely wife and I would sing to each other when we were just having a tough day or wherever we needed to make the other person laugh. And lately Nia's been singing this song that this lady. I don't know what's going on. It's like, remember when Will Ferrell would do that character at the keyboards and he wasn't with Sherry o'? Terry. They used to do the cheerleader thing who was with him that would, you know, they used to sing together and they would just sing these bizarre songs. Well, there's, there's a clip on Instagram and it's this. This couple and they're just singing this song, Taste the biscuit. Something. Something with the biscuit. And it makes no sense.

Bill Burr

It sounds like borderline perverted.

Joe Rogan

Like she's singing about her hoo ha there. And the guy on the keyboard, you know, like she wants him to go. And it's not. It's literally, I think I'm like, they're

Bill Burr

in on the joke, right?

Joe Rogan

She goes, no, I don't think so. I go, is she singing about sex? She goes, no, I think she's singing about a biscuit. All right, I've. This podcast has completely gone off the rails here. Let's.

Bill Burr

Let's feel, feel, feel.

Joe Rogan

Sorry. Let's do some of the reads here for the weeks.

Bill Burr

Look who it is, everybody. It's old Helix. Helix. You know, there's nothing more important than

Joe Rogan

a good night's sleep.

Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

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Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

I don't know what happened to them. They're probably drunks.

Bill Burr

Go to helixsleep.com burr for 27% off site wide. What a weird number. That's helixsleep.com burr For 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you.

Joe Rogan

All right, who's next?

Bill Burr

Jack Archer. Or as they say back home, Jack Atcha. Dude, fucking Jack Atch is coming down. Some paints are hot.

Joe Rogan

Oh, sorry.

Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

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Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

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Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

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Bill Burr

Now look who it is, everybody. It's all simply safe. You know, in the United States there's a break in every 26 seconds. That means somewhere right now an intruder is getting closer.

Joe Rogan

He's just walking over slowly.

Bill Burr

He's dragging a leg like Jack Nicholson

Joe Rogan

at the end of the Shining.

Bill Burr

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Joe Rogan

All right, the last one.

Bill Burr

Mint Mobile. You know, there are things in life

Joe Rogan

that you don't want to be transparent,

Bill Burr

like your swimsuit or your search history. But when it comes to your wireless build, transparency is everything. That's why Mint Mobile's wireless plans have no gimmicks and no gotchas. Just high speed data and reliable coverage on the T Mobile 5G network. And right now, all plans are $15 per month. Even Unlimited Mint Mobile took what's wrong with the wire with wireless and made it right with the Premium Wireless for 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high tech speed, data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can even bring your current phone number and your number. Choose from 3, 6 or 12 month plans and say goodbye to a monthly bill. Ditch overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile. It's so easy. Sign up online and get three months of premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. So get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Go to mint mobile.com burr that's mintmobile.com brrrr. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com burr There is no catch. Upfront payment of 45 bucks for three months, 90 bucks for six months or 180 for 12 months. Plan requirement $15 per month. If you can't do the math, taxes and fees are extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabyte. May slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20GB hotspot cable device required. Jesus Christ. There's all kinds of shit here available. Speed and coverage varies. See Mint mobile.com All right, there you go. I knocked out the first half of this goddamn podcast. Gonna hit pause here and go make sure my kids didn't fucking destroy the downstairs. All right,

Joe Rogan

all right. And I'm back. It's now Monday morning through time travel. Time tribal Time. Time travel of editing. Yeah, I went out last night. I had some friends in town and I went down to the Comedy Store. Had a great time. Thank you. To the Comedy Store for. Get me a little stage time there.

Bill Burr

Oh, Billy did a little 10, 12 minutes there. Shook off some dust, tried some new shit. It's getting geared up this week.

Joe Rogan

Doing a. Doing another set down the store and one over at the Blue Note and Gotta stay sharp, dude. Dude, you gotta stay sharp when you got shows at the end of the month there. Dude, this is the loudest air conditioner ever. Let me shut this shit off here. Air conditioner or blowtorch? No one really seems to know. So anyway, What was I going to talk. Oh, you know what I forgot to talk about? Just the added comedy of the World cup final was when Donald Trump, like would not leave and wanted to be in the team photo. It wasn't his accomplishment. It had nothing to do with him.

Bill Burr

And he just, he wouldn't leave. The FIFA guy grabbed his arm like

Joe Rogan

three times and he waited.

Bill Burr

He got in the middle of their celebration his dumb ass is in there, dude. If they're not in your life, if

Joe Rogan

they're not in your life. Narcissists are the funniest fucking people ever to watch. And what kills me is the level of misery that they bring to everybody in their fucking life. And there's really no information out there

Bill Burr

for non narcissists how to avoid these people, how to spot their behavior.

Joe Rogan

Like all of those idiots who booed Donald Trump in the beginning.

Bill Burr

It's just like he loves it. He wanted you reacted to him. He. He doesn't give a fuck that you're booing him or cheering him. He just wants you to react. If you really wanted to bother that guy, if he is the narcissist that

Joe Rogan

he appears, I don't know the guy, right?

Bill Burr

It.

Joe Rogan

What you would do is just continue talking amongst yourselves when he was up there and then when he was off and they put somebody else up there, cheer that person. That would drive him from insane. But I will say watching him stay until the cameras went and the cameras were waiting and then the Spanish team celebrated. Then they had to take the picture and he stand.

Bill Burr

It doesn't make sense.

Joe Rogan

Oh, it's just. It's endless. There is no situation that a narcissist can be and where it is not 100%, they are the sun.

Bill Burr

I mean, when the head of the league is going, hey, let's go, let's go.

Joe Rogan

This is. This isn't. This isn't our accomplishment. This isn't our time. When the head of the fucking league is even saying that. And he's still hungry and he's still.

Bill Burr

What I love was he shook him

Joe Rogan

off like two or three times and

Bill Burr

he got what he wanted.

Joe Rogan

He stated he was in the photo.

Bill Burr

Okay. And if you just think about the

Joe Rogan

context of it, like in the future, it's not going to look. It's just going to be bizarre. Like, why is that guy in this photo? It doesn't matter. It just doesn't make any sense. It was fantastic. It was fantastic. We were watching the game and I go, he's not leaving.

Bill Burr

He's not. He's not going to leave.

Joe Rogan

Then he got his picture and he was still just lingering on that stage. I think he wanted to be like a singer or something. He wanted to be somehow an entertainment. It's a really sad story.

Bill Burr

You can just the way he behaves.

Joe Rogan

You can see all the love and hugs he did not get as a child. Sorry, I'm not laughing because I think that's funny. That a Child didn't get in that shit. It's just that comedian thing where there's, there's a. I don't know, there's something wrong with us. Anyway, plowing ahead.

Bill Burr

Let's get to, you know, let's get

Joe Rogan

to your, your questions here. Speaking of narcissists, why don't I shut the up?

Bill Burr

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Joe Rogan

I love when people do that. Like if I make fun of billionaires and people are going like, you know, well, you know, you made a lot of money too.

Bill Burr

It's like, it's. That's the same thing to you.

Joe Rogan

It's like, I didn't.

Bill Burr

You can still be a comedian.

Joe Rogan

Despite the fact that I'm a comedian, you can still be a comedian. You can become a better comedian. You can outsell me as a. You can eclipse everything that I've ever done. I didn't come over in and take comedy like the Spotify guy took music.

Bill Burr

I don't go in and like, you

Joe Rogan

know, I became a comedian and then immediately, you know, once I got to a certain level of ticket sales, fired half of the other comedians, took their yearly salaries as my bonus, and now I am dictating the price and I'm underpaying all the other comics until I am the only comedian left. Like an Amazon thing. Like if you put your.

Bill Burr

Did you see that shit?

Joe Rogan

If you put your shit on Amazon, whatever you sell, you sell a telescope, all right, you have to tell them who made it, who manufactured it, and then they go in, they, they do a 3D picture or whatever of what you have, then they go make a cheaper version and fucking compete against yours and put you out of fucking business. They're literally ending the American dream, you know, but people just do.

Bill Burr

Oh, you fucking. You do a podcast by yourself. Doesn't that make you a narcissist?

Joe Rogan

No, it doesn't. It makes me someone who is antisocial, who didn't want to have to deal with booking guests and guests getting canceled. If you want to say I'm a hot headed asshole doesn't read. Yes, I am guilty of that. I am guilty of that. Anyway, all right. Dear Billy oblivious. Oh, Jesus, here it comes. All right, it's coming home. Dear Bill. Okay, so. Oh, look it, I. And I looked this up.

Bill Burr

Now this guy's going to rake me

Joe Rogan

over the coals about this. Dear Billy, oblivious. All right, that's an accurate description. That is a great word. Huh? Oblivious. That literally sounds like what it is. This guy's oblivious. Also underrated. Putting the f word in front of a smart word. And at the level I'm at, oblivious is. Is a smart word. Guy's oblivious. He capitulated.

Progressive Insurance Announcer

That's.

Joe Rogan

That's how you get away with using a big word in a blue collar situation, is you gotta. You gotta put a curse word in front of it. Anyway, he said after hearing your bitching over three podcasts about England singing It's Coming Home. Was I bitching? I thought I was breaking your balls. I thought I'd email in with some context.

Bill Burr

Oh, no, not context.

Joe Rogan

Nothing kills a good joke like context. All right, first of all, modern football originates from England. I did look that up, and I didn't look it up because I knew this thing was coming. I looked it up because I wanted to break your balls more to find out why you guys would say it's coming home. I did it for bad reasons. I didn't do it to educate myself, which is a through line in my life. All right, first of all, modern football originates from England, where it evolved from medieval mob football matches where entire towns would fight in the street over a single ball. Jesus Christ. And then, let me guess, people died every time. That's what I always love about make it great again. It's like, like you can go back in history to a time when human beings were good to each other. All right, well, that's wild. This still happens annually, of course, in a town called Atherston. They call it the Atherston Ball game. And groups of people barricade them. Get the fuck out of here. People barricade themselves with the ball in the doorways of High street shops whilst crowds whilst. You know, I don't have no idea how to use that word, but I think you crushed it there, buddy. Of High Street Shop. Whilst crowds of people try to beat

Bill Burr

their way in to steal it.

Joe Rogan

It's very violent and a great watch on YouTube. I don't, I don't like that. Sounds just like sucker punching and people getting concussed. I don't like that shit. Anyway, the song It's Coming Home was written by a couple of comedians for Euro 1996. Oh, so the song's a joke. England hosted that tournament, so it quite literally was coming home that year, regardless of how well England did parentheses. We went out in the semifinals, as is tradition. All right, now I can't hate on England because you guys have a sense of humor about how you guys figure out a way to lose it. Nowadays. It's sung mostly ironically, but also with some hope that we might actually win. One of the lines is literally never stopped me dreaming. Been listening to the podcast for over a decade now and love it. Would love to hear your uninformed takes on the Premier League next season. It starts August 21st. Why did I think that it. Because I don't read. I always thought it like ended. I always thought it ended like in the summertime. It starts in the summertime. Maybe I'm thinking like CFL football, like Canadian Football League. Like, starts I think now and is done by like November or December or some. Anyways, with Arsenal versus Coverton. No, Coventry Coven. Try co oven. Try cheers and go fuck yourself.

Bill Burr

Well, thank you for that, that background information.

Joe Rogan

Now I get it now. I get it. In any group, any fan base that has a sense of humor about how they have it. 1. I mean, I can't hate on them.

Bill Burr

All right, well, that's it.

Joe Rogan

You gave me the information and now the jokes joke is over.

Bill Burr

All right.

Joe Rogan

70s cop movies.

Bill Burr

Hey.

Joe Rogan

Oh, oh, Billy Criterion. Oh, you should have gone, Billy Criterion. I love your little rabbit holes of classic movie reviews and wonder if you recall a classic dark comedy with Arkin, James Khan, Buddy Detective called Freebie and the Bean.

Bill Burr

I do remember that.

Joe Rogan

I do remember that. I gotta go. I gotta watch that. I remember when it came out, I wanted to see it. There was all kinds of shit like that. Freebie and the bean, BJ and the bear, 10 speed in brown Shoe, like any. He's like, what the fuck am I watching? But it was. It was all great shit. The cast alone will take you down memory lane. I love Alex Rocco as the high blood pressure da in this, but as a kid watching this, I'm a year younger than you and this came out in 1974. Yeah, I remember that year. And movies like Gumball Rally and all of this shit. I wanted to go see. You know we did. I didn't start going to movies till like the late 70s. Anyway, I lost my pre. Precept. Prepubes. I can't say it. Pre pubescent mind. In the final fight scene in a woman's bathroom when James Caan's character uses a tampon. Oh, wait, spoiler alert. Uses a tampon to cover up a bullet hole. And I thought, what a brilliant idea. They are very absorbent. It's got all the classic fight scenes, car chase scenes and witty banter. Check it out and go yourself. Cheers from Seattle. I am definitely going to watch that. Thank you for the recommendation motorcycle movie. Hey, Bill, I'm a fellow ginger and motorcycle enthusiast from north of the border. One of my favorite motorcycle movies over the years has been Little Foss and Big Halsey. Dude, everything was. And back then, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Little Foss and Big Halsey, starring Robert Redford.

Bill Burr

Look at that.

Joe Rogan

And Michael J. Pollard. It might be worth a watch. I will definitely watch that.

Bill Burr

All right.

Joe Rogan

Look at you guys. Two for fucking two. All right. Emceeing my first comedy show. Oh, Jesus, he's stepping into the ring. Well, congratulations. Well, actually, it sounds like you've been doing stand up and now you're gonna host. Host your first show. Dear Billy Matcha Glutes, I've been asked to emcee a comedy show in my small town. The only time I've done stand up was a single open mic before the pandemic. All right, so you're in top form here. I've emceed events before. That's good, but never a comedy show. I'd love your insight as to what makes a good MC and what the best MCs are like. Okay, so are you just going to be bringing up the comics? Are there other comics on here? It says it's a comedy show or whatever. I don't know how funny you are, and I don't know what your comfort zone is, but I'll finish reading this and I'll give you the best advice I can. Person goes on to say, from what I've read, the MC keeps the crowd loose and the vibe fun, 100%, and keeps things flowing through each act. I'd love some advice from the fifth biggest star on F is for Family. Thanks. From Canada. And go connect yourself. Yes, a good emcee keeps it loose, keeps it fun, the vibe fun, and keeps it flowing through each act, 100%. So you have to have the instincts to kind of know what needs to be done in that moment. Some of the best MCs that I've worked with, they always keep the show moving. But sometimes if a comedian does really bad, they then go up there and they get the crowd back for the next comic. So the next comic doesn't have to go up there and take the beach, as they say, you know, taking the beaches. The first comic on the show,

Progressive Insurance Announcer

which

Joe Rogan

is usually the mc, so they get the crowd back, or if a comic killed really hard and, you know, the next person might have a little bit of a difficult time. You just do a few jokes, you kind of like, let the crowd settle down and like, yeah, the best MCs, like, you don't make the show about yourself. The worst MCs I've worked with

Bill Burr

will

Joe Rogan

do all kinds of time up front and all kinds of time in between. And they do that to burn out the crowd so they appear like they're the best comic and what they end up doing is just sort of ruining the show. I worked with this guy one time, I swear to God, he did 40 minutes in between the comics. And I was like, what the fuck is this guy doing? And the people, it was his room and they were like, yeah, you know, he does this, he does this. And like, I mean, the show should have been like over and he was bringing up like the third comic and he had like seven or eight comics. It was fucking brutal. So, yeah, what I would do is, you know, if you haven't done it, you've done stand up once. First of all, how did you get the gig? Like, why would they hire you? Did you run your mouth and say,

Bill Burr

yeah, I did a little stand up back in the day.

Joe Rogan

I mean, we all do that. That's something you do is when you're

Bill Burr

coming up, can you do 20 minutes? Oh, yeah,

Joe Rogan

no, I got great advice about that. Somebody told me, never lie about your time. Don't ever lie about your time because you're going to get exposed and there's no shortcuts. Say you got 20 minutes when you got 20 minutes, don't say you got 20 when you got 12. So what I would do if I was you, I would go self deprecating. I would make you make, you know, just put everything on you. You know, come out there, say hello to some people, don't be mean. Don't go up there and think because you're doing stand up, you gotta like fucking chop the heads off everyone in the front row. These are all mistakes I've made. Just go up there and, you know, welcome everybody. You know, playfully interact with the crowd, make fun of yourself, how you look, how much your wife doesn't love you anymore. These are old trophy things, but it works. Or if you're single, how no women are interested in you, whatever your deal is, I would just do that. And. And I don't know how many comics you have, I don't know how long the show has to be. But going up front, just welcome everybody, make everybody feel relaxed, set the tone that people are going to have fun

Bill Burr

because a lot of people go to

Joe Rogan

comedy shows and maybe don't want to go there or they have all of this anxiety that they're going to get absolutely huge humiliated by the person on stage. Which is kind of why I Don't really fuck with anybody in the crowd unless they're disrupting the show or they say something to me, you know what I mean? And if I am going to go into the crowd, if something that somebody's wearing or something, I try to do it in like a playful way. Like I wish I taped this one time. I remember one time I was,

Progressive Insurance Announcer

I

Joe Rogan

was at the improv in Washington D.C. and this guy in the front row was wearing a vest, one of those like, like not like a fancy vest like you'd wear with a three piece suit. It was a vest like like a winter jacket that has no sleeves. And my mother, for whatever, you know, your parents just like they'll go like six Christmases in a row and give you the same gift because they're getting older and they don't want to think anymore for whatever reason. My mother got me like a vest six fucking she got in her head. Well, he lives out in LA and it gets a little cool at night, so I'll get him a vest. And what I quickly realized about the vest is there's about three days out of the year where it is the right choice. Because what happens is either it's too hot or too cold when you put it on. So either your arms are going to be cold or you're going to be cooking your vital organs. And for whatever reason, the night I was on stage, you know, that was in my head and I was feeling guilty. I would keep these vests because my mother gave it to me. So I didn't want to get rid of them. But like I could never figure out when the fuck to wear them. So I was on stage, you know, and I walked over to the club. I wasn't really clocking the weather, but it was literally the perfect day to wear a vest. And I just saw this guy, I was like, are you wearing a vest? And he thought I was gonna on it. And I just went on this rant that I could never do again of like how difficult it is, how few days it's like Haley's comment or something

Bill Burr

like picking it and this stuck the landing.

Joe Rogan

Like I, I like it was like I was inducting somebody into the hall of fame and it was because he wore a vest. So like that's like one of the types of things why I absolutely love Will Ferrell is, is how absurd whatever he's saying is, but how seriously he's delivering it. Or he just does silly things. I told you when we did that Mark Twain award for Conan, my favorite line of the night was. I forget what he was saying to Conan, but he was accusing Conan, of course, of being this selfish, horrible person. And he tells this crazy story of something that Conan allegedly did. And he was pointing at Conan going, you remember that?

Bill Burr

You remember that?

Joe Rogan

And Conan's like, shaking his head no.

Bill Burr

And he goes, oh, you don't remember that? And he just goes, oh, oh, that is rich.

Joe Rogan

I can't do it the way that he did it. But like, who the fuck says that is rich? He pulled out some old timey saying from like a hundred years ago, but the commitment. And he said it like he just thought everybody says that. Oh, I don't know. It just added this backstory of like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, why, why would he be saying that is rich? I don't know. Those are the types of things. Like, if you're having fun, the crowd's gonna have fun. I don't know what your comedic abilities are, but, like, you know, I, I will say if, if you want to get more work, make it as easy as possible for the next comedian that you're bringing up. You know, as they say back where I'm from, if you're a good shit, you know, people will take care of you. Then the, the headliner or whatever, be like, who is that kid? I like that guy. That guy's cool, you know? You know, I, I work with him again. And then that's how you get like the ball rolling. You don't get the ball rolling trying to the next person coming on the

Bill Burr

show

Joe Rogan

or the dumbest thing I remember, I used to watch these guys try to blow the headliner off the stage. It's like, dude, you're not gonna do that. You don't have enough time. You just, you can't go up and in 10 minutes eclipse what somebody who has 45 minutes to an hour is gonna do. It's just not gonna happen. And they've gone on after everything. Once you, once you start headlining,

Progressive Insurance Announcer

I

Joe Rogan

would say even B rooms, you've pretty much got an answer to whatever situ. There's always a new situation, but you can pull from all of this stuff that you've had to go on after. And also, yeah, you just come off as like a dive. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. This is, this is bringing back memories. The people have pulled on me, going way over their time. Then I like, you know what they'll do is they'll, they'll see your axed. First thing they do is they go over their time, do a lot of Local reference. This is more if you're just headlining now. Oh, Billy's teaching a comedy class here. Another thing, you know, if you were working with a real fucking petty douchebag is they would sit and watch your act and then what they would do the next time they went up is they would bring up the subject of like two or three of your best jokes. They wouldn't do your joke, but they would talk about the subject. So when you got up there, it's. It didn't seem as fresh and like new or whatever. It was just such like a. And I remember watching this guy was doing it to me and I was just like, all right, wow, okay. And I didn't do the jokes that he talked about. I had other jokes and I riffed and I still killed.

Progressive Insurance Announcer

And

Joe Rogan

he did that to me a couple nights in a row. He tried like four or five different things. You know, that's back when you did Tuesday through Sunday to Friday through Saturday.

Progressive Insurance Announcer

And

Joe Rogan

I used to call that those shows Tuesday through Friday, sometime during the first show, Friday night, the opener would quit or the middle ice called break in the middle like you're breaking a horse. And they once they finally realized that all their fucking little Bill Lambert shit that they're gonna be doing wasn't gonna work, then all of a sudden they changed their tune and they started acting really nice, asking you if you wanted a drink from the bar and then would start asking you questions about comedy. And then you just, you know, be nice and cordial back. But like in your head you're like, no, dude, this relationship is over. This is not going to progress any further because you're a cunt. And if you're doing this at this level, what are you going to do when you actually get a little bit of power? Wow, I haven't thought about that in a long time. Great question, by the way. So there you go.

Bill Burr

Go up, welcome people.

Joe Rogan

People probably be sitting down as you get up there.

Bill Burr

That's what you say, welcome people. Find yourself. I'm not going to make fun of you, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Joe Rogan

And then once everybody's sort of settled in, you do your self deprecating shit

Bill Burr

and then you just end with, alright, you guys having a good time? You ready for a good night of comedy? Da da da da. And then you leave this first person coming to the stage, you do your

Joe Rogan

shit and then you get out and then you're done. There you go. And that's it. And then you fucked. You took your first hit off the crack pipe and years later, you'll be sitting alone in your garage doing a podcast.

Bill Burr

All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.