Your Dream Life Is 3 Brave Decisions Away

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This episode is presented by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves, building better habits, showing up more, fully embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online@statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Health AI. We've got to talk about those panicked Internet searches. You know the ones that I'm talking about when something about your body just doesn't seem right. So you search and search and scroll and scroll and trying to figure out your body by endlessly looking for answers. Thankfully, now there's Amazon Health AI. It can connect your symptoms with your medical history and it can even get you care 24. 7. So call off the search. Amazon Health AI is here. Healthcare just got less painful. Hey, it's Jay. I don't know what your day's been like, but I was just thinking about you for a minute and I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it. And yeah, I'll talk to you soon. Your dream life may just be one year of bravery away. I think if I were to ask you what part of your life you're seeking more out of, you would inherently know the answer. Maybe you want deeper relationships, more confidence, a better job, a new home, more freedom, or just more fulfillment. Deep down, you know that there's a bigger life available to you. But when an opportunity arises where you're able to take a risk, speak up, start over or be vulnerable. Fear pulls you back toward what feels familiar. And the difficult thing about fear is is that it rarely sounds irrational while it's happening. Fear sounds practical. It sounds responsible. It sounds like I should wait until I'm more prepared. Or maybe this just isn't the right time. Or what if this goes badly? You tell yourself you'll make the change later, once you feel more confident, more financially stable, more healed, more certain. But meanwhile, your life slowly begins to adapt around avoidance. Your world gets smaller in ways that are almost invisible at first. You stop taking risks unless success is guaranteed. You stop introducing yourself to strangers because rejection feels too uncomfortable. You stop trying new things because being a beginner makes you feel embarrassed. You stop saying what you really feel because honesty feels exposing. And eventually, without Fully realizing it, you become incredibly skilled at avoiding discomfort, but also incredibly disconnected from the version of yourself you. You actually want to become. I think many people assume that courage is something you either naturally have or you don't. We look at people who changed careers at 40, rebuilt their lives after a heartbreak, got sober, moved across the world, left unhealthy relationships, or started over after failed businesses. And we assume they must have been born more fearless than the rest of us. But the more I studied psychology, human behavior, and even my own life, the more I've realized courage is not a personality trait. Courage is a skill. And like any skill, it can be trained. That's why I genuinely can say that your dream life may just be one brave year away. Not because one giant decision suddenly changes everything overnight. I don't want to tell you that. But because one year of repeatedly interrupting avoidance can completely alter your entire life's trajectory. All it takes is one year where you are taking the baby steps in life that scare you. Getting on the airplane even though flying makes you anxious. Asking for help instead of trying to handle everything alone. Surviving awkward situations even if you feel embarrassed. Slowly collecting evidence that you're more capable than your anxiety has convinced you that you are. And when I say dream life, I don't mean some fantasy version of life where everything looks perfect in every single aspect. I don't mean a life without pain, uncertainty, or discomfort. I mean a life where your decisions reflect your values more than they reflect your fears. A life where you're no longer shrinking yourself to avoid rejection. A life where you trust yourself because you have built the evidence that you can survive through the moments that scare you. There's actually a large amount of psychological research that explains why so many people stay stuck for years, even when they know they're unhappy. In the human brain, avoidance is one of the biggest ways we protect ourselves from fear. Every time you avoid something uncomfortable, your brain experiences relief. And that relief teaches the brain that avoidance was the correct decision. Instead of learning, I could have handled that, your brain learns, good thing I got out of having to deal with that. Over time, the things you avoid become even more frightening. In your mind, you can see this pattern show up in ordinary life constantly. The more times you avoid introducing yourself first because you're scared of rejection, the more socially intimidating new situations start to feel. The more times you avoid difficult conversations because you don't want to upset anyone, the more your brain starts treating honesty like something that's dangerous. The more times you stay silent in meetings because you're Scared of sounding stupid the more you avoid speaking up when you have something meaningful to contribute. We naturally assume fear is proof that we shouldn't do something, when often fear is simply proof that something feels important to us. Your nervous system does not always know the difference between danger and growth. In fact, anxiety and excitement are both high arousal emotional states. Which means the racing heart, sweaty palms and butterflies in your stomach do not always mean you are unsafe. Sometimes your body is simply preparing you to do something more expensive. I think this matters because so many of us wait to feel calm before we allow ourselves to act. We think confidence comes first and action comes second. We think one day we'll wake up feeling completely ready to take a big step. But confidence is not something you can wait for. Confidence only comes after your brain collects enough evidence that you've repeatedly handled situations you once thought were impossible for you. This episode is presented by State Farm. We spend so much energy becoming the best version of ourselves. Building better habits, showing up more fully, getting embracing mindfulness. But sometimes the most purposeful thing you can do is just handle the thing you've been putting off. If getting your insurance sorted has been living on that list, State Farm is there to help you choose the coverage that's right for you. Go online@statefarm.com or use the easily accessible app to get help from one of their over 19,000 local agents. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Think about any skill you've developed in your life. The first time you drove a car, your body probably felt tense and hyper aware. The first time you walked into a workout class alone, you probably felt like everyone was staring at you. The first time you spoke publicly, your voice probably shook. But repetition changes the emotional experience. What once felt threatening slowly starts feeling familiar. And what feels familiar eventually becomes manageable. This is why I love the phrase do it scared. Being uncomfortable means change is happening and you'll be better on the other side if you can just get yourself to do it scared. I also think people dramatically underestimate how much courage exists in tiny daily moments. We tend to imagine bravery as these like huge cinematic life decisions. But most courage is actually deeply ordinary and repetitive. It's correcting the order when the restaurant brings you the wrong food. Instead of staying quiet to avoid being inconvenient. It's admitting I actually don't understand. Instead of pretending that you do, it's asking the follow up question in the meeting, it's saying that hurt my feelings. Instead of acting unbothered, it's letting yourself take up space without apologizing for every need, preference, or boundary that you have. Those moments may seem insignificant, but they matter because every small act of courage sends your brain the same message. I can tolerate discomfort and still survive. That is how bravery compounds over time. That's why if there is something in your life you've been avoiding, you just need to do it scared. Maybe it's finally admitting a relationship no longer works, even though starting over terrifies you. Maybe it's applying for opportunities you secretly want but keep talking yourself out of because you assume you'll be rejected. Maybe it's finally booking the therapy appointment after years of thinking this tough time will pass on its own. And I really want to normalize how human. All of this is because the human brain is fundamentally designed to keep you safe, not necessarily fulfilled. Your nervous system prefers what is familiar, predictable, and socially accepted. Because for thousands of years, rejection and instability could genuinely threaten survival. That's why taking emotional risks can feel so physically uncomfortable, even when deep down you know those risks could lead to growth, connection, healing, or a bigger life. Your brain is trying to protect you from uncertainty, not realizing that sometimes the very thing protecting you is also keeping you stuck. We picture bravery to be these big moments that make our lives do a 180. But in reality, true bravery isn't loud. In fact, other people might not even notice you're being brave at all. It's attending the wedding alone instead of skipping it because you feel embarrassed about being single. It's surviving your first day after heartbreak without texting your ex. It's asking an acquaintance if they'd like to grab a drink after work instead of just going home alone. Maybe you've been avoiding the doctor for months because you're scared of what you might hear. Maybe you desperately want community, but introducing yourself to your neighbor seems weird. Maybe you know your dreams mean leaving your hometown, but disappointing your family feels impossible. I think one of the most painful experiences in adulthood is realizing how many years can slowly pass by of you almost doing something, almost starting over, almost leaving, almost trying, almost telling the truth, almost becoming the version of yourself you can already feel inside of you. The tricky thing with avoidance is that it doesn't create immediate consequences. But then you wake up one day and realize five years have passed and you're in the exact same place of still saying almost. No matter where fear is showing up in your life, the first practical shift I want you to make is this. Stop waiting to feel fully ready before taking the first step. Readiness is one of the biggest illusions keeping people stuck the truth is, you become ready through movement. Your brain lends courage through action, not through endless separation. Instead of continuing to wait, I want you to identify one major area of your life where fear has been keeping you stuck. Then, instead of focusing on changing that entire part of your life all at once, I want you to shrink the first step down until it feels slightly uncomfortable instead of overwhelming. For example, if you're terrified of changing careers, maybe the first step is not quitting your job tomorrow. Please don't do that. Maybe it's updating your resume or reaching out to one person whose career path inspires you. If you've been avoiding difficult conversations in your relationship, maybe the first step is not couples therapy. Maybe it's finally saying the one honest thing you've been rehearsing in your head for months. If you struggle with social anxiety, maybe the first step is not attending a big party. Maybe it's texting one person to check in on how they're doing. Bravery is built by taking small, manageable actions and letting them compound as you give yourself more evidence that you can handle doing hard things. And I know you might say, jay, I'm too paralyzed by fear to even take that small first step. Well, this is where Mel Robbins, my dear friend's 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method can be extremely helpful. The idea is that when you identify the scary thing you need to do, you. You count down backwards from five in your head, and then you just do it. This technique psychologically interrupts hesitation before overthinking takes over. The countdown doesn't magically fix fear, let's be honest. But it does interrupt the spiral. Before you talk yourself out of taking action. You can count backwards, and then you move. You send the text, you ask the question, you make the call. You finally stop negotiating with yourself on whether or not you should do the hard thing. Then the next time the opportunity presents itself, you count down from five, and you do the scary thing again. Courage is built through repetition. One brave decision does not transform your life overnight. What changes your life is repeated brave behavior. You need to teach your nervous system over and over again that discomfort does not automatically equal danger. This is why exposure therapy works so well psychologically. The goal is not to throw someone into overwhelming fear all at once. The goal is repeated, manageable exposure to the thing they fear so their brain can slowly learn a different story. Over time, the feared situation loses power because the person keeps surviving it. Courage is not just philosophical, it's physiological. Your body can literally learn that discomfort is tolerable. The first time you enforce a boundary with someone who is used to you always saying yes, your body may react like you've done something wrong. The second time still feels uncomfortable. The tenth time, you start realizing that disappointing people temporarily does not make you a bad person. Eventually, your brain starts collecting evidence that discomfort is not only survivable, but helpful to your growth. That is how courage actually builds. And I think one of the reasons bravery feels so uncomfortable is because courage often requires letting go of an old identity. Sometimes leadership isn't about putting out fires, it's about building the right team so the fires don't start in the first place. And when you're stretched in, you realize this is a Job for Sponsored Jobs Indeed Sponsored Jobs helps you connect with quality candidates exactly when you need them most. Instead of struggling just to get your posts seen, you can focus on finding the right people and hiring the ones who can truly drive results. In fact, Sponsored Jobs posted directly on indeed are 95% more likely to report a higher than non Sponsored Jobs. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Less stress, less time, more results when you need the right person to cut through the chaos. This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs and listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves@ Indeed.com podcast just go to Indeed.com podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com podcast terms and conditions apply. Need to hire. This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods. What a great time of year. Summer is a time to celebrate with loved ones and get closer to nature. Whatever you've got planned, you'll find everything you need with the quality you expect from Whole Foods Market. Find sales on Best of Summer fruit like sweet peaches and organic blueberries and nectarines. 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Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com jaystop3 that's betterhelp.com jstop3 People don't just get attached to routines, they get attached to the versions of themselves. The people pleaser. The independent one. The person who always keeps the peace. The person who avoids attention. The person who never gets emotional. The person who always has it together Sometimes your dream life requires becoming unfamiliar to yourself for a while. It requires letting go of identities that once protected you but no longer serve you. The people pleaser who starts setting boundaries may temporarily feel selfish. The person who built their identity around always being emotionally independent may feel wrong asking for help. The person who spent years staying quiet to avoid judgment may feel awkward and exposed when they finally start speaking honestly. But I think many people misunderstand what growth actually feels like. They assume discomfort means they're becoming the wrong person, when sometimes discomfort is simply the feeling of becoming someone better. This is why I think building a bravia has to become behavioral, not theoretical. You need to do what are called courage reps. Not giant, dramatic life overhauls, but reps. Small repeated actions that slowly train your brain to trust yourself. I encourage you to choose three areas of life where fear currently has too much influence. Relationships Career Confidence Friendships Lifestyle Location Creativity Putting yourself out there, whatever it may be. We aren't changing your entire life in a year, but we are going to take small, repeatable steps of courage in all three areas to dramatically change your relationship to fear, say relationships are a bucket. You need more courage. Reps in your reps may involve saying what you actually feel instead of pretending that you're fine. It may involve asking for reassurance instead of acting emotionally detached to avoid getting hurt. It may involve apologizing first, telling someone you missed them, admitting you want commitment, or allowing yourself to trust again after heartbreak. Say it's your career. Courage might look like finally applying for the internal promotion. It may look like speaking up once every meeting. It may look like going to awkward networking events, or it may look like sharing your work before it feels perfectly polished. Now say it's your lifestyle. Courage here may look much more ordinary than people expect. It may look like limiting how much you drink at a party. It may look like deleting the apps that keep distracting you every night because you're scared of sitting with your thoughts. It may look like finally grieving something instead of staying busy enough to avoid feeling like it. It may look like saying no to social plans when it means over committing yourself. The most important thing is that your reps are specific. And this is where I think people accidentally overwhelm themselves. They focus so much on the giant end goal that they psychologically scare themselves out of starting at all. They think about changing their entire life instead of simply building one courageous habit at a time. But your bravia is not built through one massive reinvention. It's built through tiny moments of consistency that slowly change your relationship and to Being afraid to take steps forward. Here's the thing I want to be More confident is not a plan. I will ask one question in every meeting this month. That's a plan. I want deeper friendships is not a plan. I will initiate one plan every week instead of waiting for someone else to reach out first. That's a plan. I want to stop fearing rejection. That is not a plan. I will intentionally ask for one thing every week where the answer could be no. That's a plan. And this next part is essential. Track reps, not results if you only measure bravery by whether everything works out perfectly, you will stop being brave. The second life disappoints you. The date may be awkward, the application may get rejected, the conversation may not go how you hoped, but the courage rep still counts. You can fail at the outcome and still succeed at the rep. I think a lot of people believe they need to earn the right to pursue the life they want before they even begin to take reps. They think they need more proof, more validation, more certainty, more credentials, or more guarantees that they won't fail. But certainty isn't what gives people permission to start taking these baby steps forward. Intention is if your intentions are sincere. If you're acting from a genuine desire to grow and contribute, connect, create, learn, love, or just fully participate in your life, then you do not need any certainty before taking the first brave step. Fear has a way of making people feel almost guilty for wanting more, as if wanting a bigger life somehow makes you unrealistic, selfish, naive, or irresponsible. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to become more fully yourself. There is nothing wrong with showing up for that part of you that knows you are meant for more. When your intentions are grounded, brave action stops being about proving your worth to the world and starts becoming about living in alignment with yourself. Now, this is the part where I think a lot of us get into our own heads. We have good intentions, we want to start taking steps forward, and then we worry about what other people are going to think. A fear of judgment is one of the biggest fuels your fears have. It creates those nagging underlying questions of what will people think of me? What if it's embarrassing? What will they say if I fail? What will they think if I look stupid? What will they say if I'm bad at this at first, a lot of people are organizing their entire lives around avoiding embarrassment. They soften their opinions, delay their dreams, and avoid being beginners because they are terrified of being seen imperfectly. But almost everything meaningful in life requires being seen imperfectly. Love requires it. Creativity requires it. Leadership requires it. Starting over requires it. Your dreams are on the other side of facing imperfection. The fear of judgment is natural. We as humans intrinsically long to be accepted. But you need to strip back where that fear is coming from, because I know some of us are still making decisions based on people who are actually barely thinking about us. You're scared someone from high school will think your video's cringy. You're worried old co workers will judge you for taking a career setback. You fear your friends won't understand why you left your quote unquote healthy relationship. Meanwhile, your actual life is passing you by while you manage hypothetical reactions from people who are busy managing their own fears. And I really want you to think about this honestly for a second. How much time do you actually spend obsessively judging other people the way you imagine they're judging you? When someone you vaguely know posts a video online trying something new, do you sit there the whole day thinking about it? Or do you maybe look at it for 10 seconds while scrolling and then immediately move on with your life? When someone you know changes careers, starts a business, moves cities, goes back to school, gets divorced, or completely reinvents themselves, are you usually sitting there mocking them? Or are you usually thinking good for them before returning to your own life and your own thoughts within seconds? I think many of us dramatically overestimate how much other people are thinking about us because we're trapped inside our own self consciousness all day long we mistake the intensity of our awareness of ourselves for the amount of attention other people are paying to us. But the reality is that most people are far too consumed by their own insecurities and fears, responsibilities, anxieties and internal narratives to spend nearly as much time analyzing you as you think they are. That doesn't mean judgment never exists. Of course, some people judge. But if you organize your entire life around avoiding criticism, you end up giving strangers, acquaintances and hypothetical opinions more power over your future than your own desires and values. At some point, you have to decide whose voice gets to shape your life more fear of perception or the cost of never taking a risk in life? This episode is brought to you by Altra. Making space for ourselves matters. Having time and room to try new things. Our feet benefit from more space too. That's why ultra running shoes feature ultra fit design, giving toes more room for comfort and balance, helping feet feel stronger. These aren't just running shoes. They're perfect for walking, hiking, any pace, any level they feel right from the first step. Go to ultrarunning.comonpurpose and use code PURPOSE10 for 10% off. That's a L T R-running.com onpurpose stay out there. Here's a practical thing I want you to try. Ask yourself whose opinion you're actually afraid of. Get specific. Is it a parent? A sibling? An ex? A friend? Group? People online? Then ask yourself honestly whether those people have the kind of life courage or self awareness you actually want to model your decisions around. We are allowing people who have never taken their own risks to convince us not to take ours. This is where stoic philosophy becomes really useful. The stoics were deeply focused on the difference between what is in our control and what is not. Other people's opinions are not in your control. Your character is your effort is. Your choices are. Your integrity is. The reaction that people have to these things is not a sign that you're making poor decisions. Now don't get me wrong, this does not mean you ignore feedback. Feedback can be incredibly valuable. Brave people listen. Brave people reflect. But brave people also know the difference between receiving valuable feedback and living in constant feedback avoidance. Listen. Every meaningful decision you will make in life has a risk reward ratio attached to it. You cannot ask life for intimacy while refusing vulnerability. You cannot ask for confidence while avoiding embarrassment. You cannot ask for a different life while protecting yourself from judgment. At some point you have to ask yourself honestly, what price am I currently paying for staying safe? Because safety has a price as well. It doesn't show up immediately, which is why people stay stuck for so long. But eventually the cost becomes regret. You start wondering who you might have become if you had just been willing to take the chance all those years ago. We become so focused on protecting ourselves from Discomfort that we accidentally build lives that become completely stagnant. Imagine what would happen if for one year you consistently interrupted avoidance. Imagine if for one year you stop letting fear automatically make the final decision. Imagine if you took just one small baby step every single week. When you multiply one brave action by 52 weeks, you begin to understand the power of the thesis. One email may not change your life. 52 brave emails might. One uncomfortable conversation may not change your relationship patterns. 52 weeks of intentional honesty just might do it. One rejection may not make you confident, but a year of surviving rejection may completely transform your relationship with being told no. The first rep feels terrifying because you have such little evidence. The second rep still feels uncomfortable. The next set of reps begins to build a new lifestyle, and the 52nd rep becomes your whole new identity. You would view yourself differently after that year. And here's the last thing I'll leave you with. One year is going to pass anyway. The holidays are going to come and go. Your birthday will arrive. Seasons will change. Summer will turn into fall, fall into winter, winter back into spring. You are going to blink. And suddenly it will be another New Year's, where you're wondering, wait, where did the time go? Time keeps moving, whether you participate in your life or not. And I actually think there's something incredibly empowering about that. Because if time is passing regardless, then you might as well move with it. You might as well give yourself the chance to grow alongside it instead of waiting for some magical moment where fear finally disappears first. A year from now, you are either going to have a year of excuses behind you or a year of courage under your belt. You are either going to look back on another year where fear kept making your decisions for you, or you were going to look back on a year where you slowly started proving to yourself that you are capable of hard things. And I really want you to picture yourself exactly one year from today. Imagine waking up on that morning and realizing you spent the last year saying yes to the things that scared you instead of automatically running from them. You finally had the difficult conversations. You applied for opportunity. You introduced yourself first. You started something new before you felt fully ready. You let yourself be seen. You risked rejection. You survived disappointment. You stopped needing certainty before taking action. Would every single thing work out perfectly? Of course not. But you would not be the same person emotionally. And a life that once felt impossible, it slowly starts feeling normal to you. One year of honesty can transform your relationships. One year of consistency can transform your confidence. One year of taking creative risks can completely change your career. One year of setting boundaries can change your mental health. One year of choosing growth over comfort can completely reshape the way you experience your life. That's the power of accumulated courage. And the beautiful thing is that none of that requires perfection. It just requires movement. Because life is never going to suddenly become less uncertain. There will never be a version of adulthood where nobody judges you, nothing goes wrong, and every risk comes with a guarantee attached to it. That's not real life. Real life is learning that fear and possibility often go hand in hand. So don't spend this next year waiting for permission. Don't spend it convincing yourself you're too late, too behind, too awkward, too emotional, too inexperienced, too afraid. Move with time instead of just watching it move past you. You have the control over your actions within that year. So stop waiting for confidence to kick in. Take that first baby step, even if you're scared. Build courage through repetition. Track reps instead of outcomes, and stop organizing your life around avoiding fear. The goal this year is not to become fearless. It's to instead choose long term expansion over short term emotional relief. A year from now, you can either have another year of reasons why now wasn't the right time, or you can have a year of evidence that you are capable of more than you ever thought you could be. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. 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