This Week's News | Jon on America's Gerontocracy Crisis & Kosta on Explosive Diarrhea Sweeping U.S.

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

You're listening to Comedy Central.

Co-host/Commentator

But first, obviously, big news from the weekend, the sudden passing of Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Obviously, I knew him a bit from lobbying down a Capitol Hill, but I didn't know him particularly well. So I'll let Lindsey Graham's best friend memorialize the late senator.

Commercial Voice

Joining us now by phone is one of his best friends, President Donald Trump. I know you lost one of your closest friends and an ally in the Senate. How are you feeling?

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Well, I don't feel great. He was a great guy. He was a friend. He would call me all the time. He would just, I'd say, stop calling me, Lindsay.

Co-host/Commentator

I'll never forget the way that I always let him go to voicemail. It was, it was a thing. Obviously, he's just opening the eulogy on a lighthearted note. Sure. The poignancy follows.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Loved playing golf. Loved being outside. It wasn't that he was a great striker of the ball. He wasn't exactly a perfect. He wasn't Jack Nicklaus. He was not Tiger. He was totally against me. He said, I'll get you in South Carolina. I'm going to get you in South Carolina. That didn't work out too well. It was a nasty campaign. He was tough and nasty. I wanted to see the war with Ukraine end very quickly. I think he was more into, you know, keeping it going, frankly. He was a total workaholic politician. Now, some people don't call that work. Some people call that a lot of talking.

Co-host/Commentator

Well, I, I think the president has zoomed through the first five stages of grief. And gone straight to number six. That guy. By the way, it takes a lot of balls for Donald Trump to gently roast someone for yapping too much. He's the one who toasted his friend on meet the press, CNN's State of the Union, Fox and Friends. Trump was everywhere remembering Lindsey Graham, even when the host of the show appeared to not want him to.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

These people suffer from a very fine disease known as Trump derangement Syndrome. And he was seeing that.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

And Mr. President, did you notice really

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

come a long way on the terminating the filibuster.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

But, Mr. President, did you notice anything?

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

They find millions and millions of balances impossible. And they didn't know in two weeks. They let it be known an hour later that.

Co-host/Commentator

Steve.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Mr. President, real quickly, did you notice anything different from.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

He's gonna be in the runoff. These elections are very dishonest.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

Oh, no.

Co-host/Commentator

I'm sorry, Mr. President. The TV station's going through a tunnel. But of course, even his best friend, Donald Trump, had to concede that Senator Graham's career did have a bad moment.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Now, he had one bad moment, and that was, you know, the January 6th thing, when he stood up. All right, now I've had it. That's it. I can't do it anymore. So I give him a 99 instead of a 100. You know, most people. A lot of people were at 100, but he did have that one little moment.

Co-host/Commentator

You know, my favorite part of any eulogy is when they announce the person's life score. He's doing a eulogy like it's Portnoy doing a pizza review. Yeah. Graham had a good undercarriage. Good mouth feel. Yeah, yeah. What? I'm doing a score. A life score. I'm doing a life score over here. Anyway. Eight, two. I'm gonna give him an eight two. Solid score. Eight. If he had let the people kill him on January 6th. Nine, two. Monster score. I'd give him a monster score

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

now.

Co-host/Commentator

Before Graham passed, he was not feeling well and was kind of joking about how he didn't have time to die.

Commercial Voice

Axios reported that several hours before his death, Senator Graham complained of feeling unwell and said, I can't die now. I still need to do the Russia sanctions, get Iran sorted out, and do Israeli Saudi normalization. He passed away a short time later.

Co-host/Commentator

Holy shit. Middle east peace is about as ambitious as a bucket list item can get. I want to bring Israel back into the family of nations and go whale watching. But let this episode be a lesson, people. Write it down. Write your last wishes down. Write what you want to accomplish in your name down. Because Donald Trump had a very different interpretation of Lindsey's last wishes.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

He was pushing the Save America act like crazy. This is a big. This is a big blow to the Save America act, let me tell you.

Co-host/Commentator

And then Lindsey said to me, his voice weakening, barely a whisper, he said to me, Donald. When I die, float my body down the crystal clear reflecting pool water. So. So that I may lie in state in your completed ballroom. I said, lindsay, don't. Don't save your strand, Lindsay. He said, no.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

No.

Co-host/Commentator

Now, one more thing I want before I leave this mortal coil, for them to put your name back on the Kennedy.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Boo. No.

Co-host/Commentator

But. Now a lot of you may be wondering, as I was, how the did Lindsey Graham die before Mitch McConnell? How the is that possible? It's hard to believe. McConnell was the one who spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals since his Capitol hill buffering episodes. McConnell was the one who suddenly disappeared for a month and nobody heard from him to the point where the governor of his own state was asking for proof of life, which, coincidentally, we got yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you totally believable evidence that Mitch McConnell is not only alive, but the happiest boy in the hospital. He's the happiest boy in the hospital. That's the smile of a make a wish kid whose wish was that everyone else in the hospital lost their health insurance due to his policies. And after that, And after that, of course, Mitch and his wife released even more photos. Here they are at Disney riding Splash Mountain. Then, apparently, they climbed the spire of the Empire State Building and renewed their vows and then, let's say, went to a World cup game. Might not be out of the woods yet. Regardless, McConnell is still here. Graham's gone. And so it was time for the media to discuss Graham's legacy for, like, a couple of minutes.

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Now, this is. This is so tough for you and for so many there on Capitol Hill because it really was so sudden. No one was expecting this. We have to turn to the crude numbers of it.

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All right, Todd, Blanche's path to getting

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confirmed as Attorney General just got a of hold. Lot more complicated, unfortunately. Your majority now down to 52.

Co-host/Commentator

Mitch McConnell's continued absence now leaving Republicans with just 51 senators.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

If Collins votes against you, down to 50, the vice president breaks the tie. But what if it's Collins and Murkowski?

Guest or Secondary Commentator

Republicans were already struggling with the numbers. Add in Lindsey Graham now being off the table.

Co-host/Commentator

I'm sorry. Off the table. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a winner for worst dying euphemism yet. Off the table. Where's Old Yeller? Don't worry, Timmy. We just had to take him off the table. Although I guess the numbers have been pretty tight in the Congress for a while now. I wonder why that is.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

The current Congress is the third oldest in U.S. history. With the average age of senators and

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nearly 64, 131 out of the 530 members of Congress are 70 or older. Graham is the sixth member of Congress to die this term.

Co-host/Commentator

What the. This term. He's the sixth member of Congress to die this term. 6. If this were any other business, they'd shut it down to figure out what the the is going on. Six of them have died. Gas leak, serial killer. Six of them are dead. My God, those are Petco gerbil numbers. What are they just coming to Congress every morning with a shovel? What the is going on down there? It's not like the job is dangerous. They're just sitting there. They're not filming Deadliest Catch. Oh, come on. No way he's in that show. Wow, he really is healthy. And not to put too fine a point on it, but the last person to speak to Graham is our 80 year old president. The governor who chooses Graham's replacement is 79. One of the candidates being considered is 78, but he backed out because he's too important at his current job in the House of Representatives. All to save the Todd Blanche hearings which are being co run by 92 year old Chuck Grassley and whippersnapper Dick Durbin.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

81.

Co-host/Commentator

The entire Congress is falling apart due to a lack of not just political will, but bone density.

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83 year old Florida Democratic Congresswoman Frederica Wilson recovering from an eye surgery.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

89 year old Chuck Grassley getting hip replaced.

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Senator Patrick Leahy, a broken hip. Nancy Pelosi, hip replacement surgery.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Steny Hoyer is in the hospital with pneumonia. Eleanor Holmes Norton is in the early stages of dementia.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

DWIGHT Evans, who's 71, had a stroke.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Bernie Sanders sidelined by a heart attack. Congresswoman Kay Granger lived in an assisted living facility for dementia patients while still serving in Congress and drawing a congressional paycheck.

Co-host/Commentator

And all of those by the way, are the ones who were still on the table. The whole place is a Skyrizzi commercial. Free samples. Get some free samples.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Skyrizi.

Co-host/Commentator

Look, I'm no prize. I get that people age differently. Why are we tolerating this level of national frailty in our lawmaking? And it's not just anti old people. It's not disrespect to ask this question. In Japan they revere the elderly, but the one thing they don't do is put them in charge of everything. What's the fore argument here?

Commercial Voice

Well, age is a relative thing, as we all know. His experience is an advantage to us and not to be described as a disadvantage.

Co-host/Commentator

Oh, experience. That's right. This is actually the most experienced Congress we've ever had. How is that working out?

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The most unproductive Congress in the first year of a president in history. Potentially the least productive in modern history.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Fewest laws passed since at least the 1950s.

Co-host/Commentator

As our government has gotten older, the economy has gotten worse. Inequality more severe. Our safety net shredded. The irony is that this long past retirement age government has policies that force everyone else to have to work long past retirement age. Mostly though without a health care plan that covers a mysterious month in the hospital. Because we don't have a system that rewards experience and competence and performance. We have a system that rewards incumbency. These people aren't brilliant, they're barnacles. Utterly incapable of addressing a world moving much faster than the speed of Matlock. Why does it matter? Here's the co chair of the House Army Caucus Co chair Congressman John Carter of Texas explaining why it's imperative to remediate our outdated defense systems. Another issue that's very important. The department has historically relied on outdated production techniques of energetic manufacturing which may have remained unchanged since the second World War. Since the Civil War, since the second World. They blur in my mind. Having been at both. How is the department ensuring that investment in next generation energetics manufacturing such as AI machine learning capabilities and enabling and insurance of insurance quality assurance. I take no pleasure in this. But this is not right. The stakes are too high. There's no way that dude even knows how to put his phone on silent. How can our government make better use of the chatgaput you got? I'm working on the government gonna get that Jacobut if I can get a Jacob to put in a government. We're gonna get a government about the jacket. Get an insurance and an insurance in the Civil War and a checkerboard. I do not think the people deciding rules about the most advanced technology on earth should look like they're steam powered. I'm gonna shout. You kaput.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

No.

Co-host/Commentator

Get some more coal up the ass and get me going again. Come on. Come on now. Shovel that shit right up my ass. Everyone understands you cannot have the country ruled by people this old and frail. Everyone except them.

Commercial Voice

Senator Mitch McConnell said over the weekend. I'm not taking a break from the senate business that matters to you. I still have unfinish to complete on your behalf. And I have every intention of finishing the job you elected me to do.

Co-host/Commentator

Don't. Don't finish it. We're fine. You don't have to finish the job. And by the way, I am going nowhere because I have unfinished business. Literally is what a ghost would say. That is what a ghost would say. I'm not leaving. I have unfinished business. You cannot banish me. My soul has unfinished business. I must curtail your access to food stamps. And again, I am in no way suggesting that old people cannot be productive at their jobs. But at the highest levels of our government, there is no check on when they are no longer capable of doing just that. That but their power remains. Advanced age is just one more way in which our government is at a remove from the needs of the people they purport to serve. And they have too much power to be this disconnected. If only there was somebody in the government who understood that we need a

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Democratic party that opens its doors to new people, new energy and new ideas.

Co-host/Commentator

That kid gets it

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

President Trump hosted an IndyCar event at the White House. Now, if you don't know what IndyCar is, it's for fans who have more class than NASCAR but less money than F1. And say what you want about Trump, he's a showman, so I expect to see him hype up this exciting event with some energy. Maybe it doesn't have that eye of the tiger energy. This would be like if instead of running up the steps of the museum, Rocky took the chairlift. Laziest Rocky ever. He doesn't even work out. He just drinks the eggs. Stay down, Rocky.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Okay.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Would still be a better reboot than the new Moana. Oh, poor Disney. I hope the rock is okay after that. But you know what? I understand why Trump might be a little down. He's had a sad weekend. His best friend was poisoned by his other best friend. No, Putin did not kill Lindsey Graham while he was in Ukraine. It's just a suspicious coincidence. That makes a lot of sense when you think about it. But according to President Trump, Lindsey died from a specific medical.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

You know what?

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Let's let the President just delicately explain it. Do you think we know the whole story about his death?

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Well, I think we do. We've had great doctors, and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

That's right. Part of his body blew up. The New England Journal of Medicine calls it Spontaneous Kablooey Syndrome. It's actually a fairly common cause of death. We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. But now the question is, who will fill in the senator's seat until the next election? I assume someone like the Lieutenant Governor or the Secretary of State. Whatever political process we have in place

Commercial Voice

for this, we now know who will fill Senator Lindsey Graham's seat in the U.S. senate. His sister.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Or his sister. I guess his sister. A Senate seat? That's an inheritance jackpot. Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. Whose idea was this?

Commercial Voice

President Trump recommended Graham's sister for the interim job, calling it a fabulous tribute to Lindsey.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

So we're going to work for one Senator Graham to another Senator Graham. It's just tragically symmetrical.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

If there's one thing this guy knows all about, it's being tragically symmetrical. But for real, I disagree with this guy who looks like a fingerling potato that they put a dollop of cream on top of. I mean, there was more consideration about who should take over for Pat Sajak, and his whole job was correctly reading up to three words at a time. But still, I'll give her a fair shot. What exactly are her qualifications?

Commercial Voice

Darlene Graham. Nordone has more than two decades of experience in government. She is commissioner of the South Carolina Commission for the Blind. She was business service director and communications director for the South Carolina Department of Employment and Workforce and is President elect of the National Council of State Agencies for the Blind.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

No surprise there. Another giveaway to the all powerful blind people lobbying. I hope everyone bought stock in that company that makes those sticks they're always tapping on the sidewalk. I'm kidding. Obviously. If anything, she's overqualified. I'm worried she'll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. Let's move on because Lindsey's sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months plus 36 weeks vacation time because a lot of shit is going down right now. The U.S. launching strikes for a third straight day as President Trump informs Congress that U.S. military action is ramping up.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

We're going to hit them very hard tonight and we're going to hit them hard tomorrow, and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. They have nothing. They have nothing going other than they have big mouths.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

By the way, it doesn't seem fair that Lindsey Graham pushed us into this war and we still have to fight it even after he dies. It feels like when my daughter makes me buy a really complicated Lego set and then five minutes in she goes to watch tv. Two hours later I'm sitting by myself assembling a mermaid castle.

Co-host/Commentator

Like, what the am I doing this for?

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Anyways, it came out great.

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Thank you.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

I know.

Co-host/Commentator

I knew it.

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Thank you.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Of course, the reason why Trump says he went back to war is that Iran wants to charge tolls for ships going through the Strait of Hormuz. And guess what, buddy? Okay, you can't do that.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

We believe international waterways should be free of tolls. And that's been our position, trying to

Pete Hegseth

impose a tolling system. Iran's plan, a form of international extortion, is unacceptable.

Ad Voice

No country is allowed to charge tolls

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

or fees on an international waterway. That's existing international law. Yeah. News flash, Iran charging a toll is not allowed under international law. Doesn't matter if it's 5% or 1%. The only acceptable number is 0%.

Co-host/Commentator

Kay.

Commercial Voice

Trump announcing plans to charge a 20% fee on all cargo that passes through the Strait of Hormuz.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

We're charging 20%? That's like twice what I give a waiter. But maybe 20% is reasonable. What kind of damage are we talking about here? Just a couple hundred bucks.

Commercial Voice

If Trump's fee goes into effect, a massive oil tanker transporting 2 million barrels could have to pay the US upwards of $32 million.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

$32 million. Jesus. Although, if you sign up for E Z pass. It's only 29.1, so at least I hope they have E Z Pass. Imagine steering your boat through a toll booth, frantically searching your center console for $32 million in quarters. It's crazy to pay $32 million for something that used to be free. This is just like when the grocery store started making us pay 10 cents for bags. Except it's 31.9999 million more. And by the way, we're not even in control of the strait. Iran is. And now you're just giving them ideas.

Commercial Voice

Its foreign minister wrote on social media the following quote, the President is absolutely right. Whoever provides secure and safe passage of commercial vessels through the Strait of Hormuz should be compensated for their service. 20%, of course, is too much. We will be fair.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Jesus Christ. How did we end up like this? We're a global superpower, and we're haggling over tolls with the Iranians. We're not going to beat the Iranians at haggling. They invented it. And putting raisins on rice. There's no haggling with Iranians. We're going to go in there looking for a deal on the street of Hormuz and end up coming out with an $800 raw silk bedspread that I never wanted in the first place. How are we going to get out of this jam? Today, in a major reversal, President Trump says the US Will not charge tolls on cargo moving through the Strait of Hormuz.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

I was called by different people, and they said, we'd love to do it a different way. We'd love to invest in the United States as opposed to charging a fee. And I like that, actually, because I don't think anybody should be able to charge a fee for the.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

For the strait. All right. Phew. God, I was worried there for a second. Then I remembered everything Trump says is bullshit. So, thanks.

Co-host/Commentator

So,

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

in summary, the bottom line is we're back at war with Iran to stop them from charging tolls that they weren't charging before we went to war with them so that nobody can charge tolls except we want to charge tolls. Can anything be more embarrassing than this?

Commercial Voice

Going even further, Trump declaring, the US Will soon become, quote, the guardian of the Hormuz Strait.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Guardian of the Hormuz Strait.

Co-host/Commentator

Trump.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Trump, you couldn't even protect the reflecting pool from algae. So the guardian of the strait is a pretty fancy term for a toll booth collector. Some dude's in the middle of i95 right now. Hey, I'm Kind of the Lord Protector of the New Jersey Turnpike. What you gonna do about it?

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Co-host/Commentator

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Hey America, how you feeling?

Co-host/Commentator

Good.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Is your tummy okay? Well, enjoy it while it lasts. This is not a happy morning topic. Explosive diarrhea afflicting more than 3,000 people.

Commercial Voice

The parasite is is called cyclospora. So far, 3,000 cases have been reported in 32 states. The symptoms are nasty, to say the least. Explosive diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, muscle aches, debilitating fatigue.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

You know, honestly, you could have just stopped at explosive diarrhea. Muscle aches aren't an issue. At that point. I'm not going to be sitting on the toilet shitting my brains out like. And my biceps are sore. Seriously, this is not a helpful list. These are also all the symptoms for being over 35. I had a piece of cake at my kid's birthday. I had every single one of these. But I will say, butthole Covid really does sound awful.

Commercial Voice

It was really bad.

Co-host/Commentator

There were moments where I was literally

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just camped out in the bathroom and

Co-host/Commentator

like, I don't care. I'm just gonna lay on this floor anyway.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

You're gonna blur my face and change my voice before this airs, right? I'm not gonna be the face of lying on the floor pooping to death. Right? I'm just joking. She's actually sharing her experience to raise awareness. She shouldn't be embarrassed. It's these clout chasing tiktokers who should be embarrassed.

Commercial Voice

I eat healthy and I end up getting diarrhea for seven days straight. Like bam. All day on the toilet, the cramping, the stomach pain.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

The worst thing about this was I felt disgusting. Yeah, that's, that's how diarrhea works. It's disgusting. It'd be even stranger if you were like, I had diarrhea for five days and man did I. By the way, we shouldn't even be talking about how you felt when you had diarrhea. Tiktokers, can I have a quick word with you over here? Hey, Chat, you don't have to share everything. You can always ask yourself, did anyone ask me if I had explosive diarrhea? If the answer is no, do what you couldn't do last week and hold it in. Now you might be wondering, where does this parasite come from? Well, one company is taking responsibility.

Commercial Voice

Taco Bell, saying they have voluntarily removed some ingredients at select locations as the foodborne parasite Cyclospariasis rapidly spreads across the

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

U.S. yeah, well, I guess we should have known. They did just come out with their new Diaritos locos tacos. So Taco Bell's been giving people the parasite. I'm glad we cleared that up. Case closed.

Commercial Voice

The company stating public health officials have not confirmed a link to Taco Bell or any specific ingredient supplier, restaurant or retailer, adding they will closely monitor the situation.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Wait, so Taco Bell didn't cause this? They just heard explosive diarrhea and they were like, yeah, that must have been us. We'll take actually. Turns out no one is sure where it's coming from. And our media isn't helping us figure it out from using these terrifying red outbreak maps highlighting basically all the states high tech graphics of the supposed parasite cell. And when that's not seems scary enough. Filling an entire screen with just four words.

Co-host/Commentator

Weeks of severe diarrhea.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

I'm so scared by these graphics. By the time I get the parasite, I'll have already shit myself. By the way, how come every time there's a pandemic or outbreak, they show us these close up headshots of the virus like it's a wanted poster. Like I'm gonna see the parasite on the street and be like, hey, it's the guy from the news.

Co-host/Commentator

Get him,

Guest or Secondary Commentator

please.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

News? You don't need to convince us that explosive diarrhea is bad. We're on board already. Just tell us what we can do to avoid getting this parasite. We'll do anything.

Commercial Voice

Wash the lettuce under running water.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Yeah, I'm out. I'm not doing that.

Co-host/Commentator

I'm not doing that.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

You're adding chores to eating a salad. Eating a salad? Well, it is the chore. I'm not washing lettuce. I'll give fruit a quick rinse. Will that help?

Commercial Voice

I would let it run over these. How long? Probably for about five or six minutes.

Co-host/Commentator

Five to six minutes?

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

It's a kitchen, not an AI data center. Okay, so fruit's out, lettuce is out. I guess I'll be grocery shopping at the gas station until the CDC gets a handle on cyclospace. By the way, why hasn't the CDC gotten a handle on the cyclospora? The CDC is also tackling the outbreak with fewer staff because it had cuts to its funding. Last year, CDC actually scaled back a decades long federal state partnership that monitors

Co-host/Commentator

foodborne illnesses, including those caused by cyclospora.

Commercial Voice

Hmm.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Okay, let me see if I can track this. We cut the funding program that tracks forever diarrhea, and now people are getting forever diarrhea. Let me see if I can figure this out. I don't see any connection. All I saw were these complicated math equations. But hold on. If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out, where exactly is our money?

Commercial Voice

An internal Pentagon estimate puts the cost of the war with Iran at between 80 and $100 billion.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

That marking a significant increase from the roughly $30 billion estimated just three months ago. Oh, I see. Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea. Well, America, I'm sorry to say, but the money it takes to blow up Iran is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms. It's like how our grandparents grew their own crops to support the troops during World War II. Except our version of this is power washing the toilet with our butthole. So when you hit week three of Hell Squirts, remember you're doing it for Uncle Sam. Amazon Health AI presents painful thoughts.

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

President Trump is addressing the nation tonight, and because we tape earlier in the day, we don't know yet what he's going to say or which museum he'll be putting his name on. But come on. Museum of African American History and Culture. But there is one person who does know what's in the speech, and he sure is making the most of it.

Commercial Voice

Trump's longtime teleprompter operator is accused of using inside knowledge to cash in on prediction markets, allegedly making more than $100,000 by betting on what the President was

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

honestly respect. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I know people are going to say it's cheating if he knows what words are in the prompter, but with Trump, that's not a sure thing. For example, let's say he puts a bet down that Trump is going to read the word magnificent in a speech.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

And just across the bridge in front of Arlington Cemetery, we're building a magnificent. Really?

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Does that count? Does that count? I hope it does because I put a 200 large on it. Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to win bets is a recipe for trouble. I mean, I read from a prompter and I know our operator would never. Purple bananas. Purple bananas. Purple bananas.

Co-host/Commentator

God damn it, Christina.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

But I assume Trump is cool with this. I mean, game recognized game.

Commercial Voice

He's on unpaid administrative leave right now. There are very strict ethical guidelines here at the White House.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Did she just say there are very strict ethical guidelines at the White House? This is like claiming that Love island has a dress code. Nice crag. Let's move on to someone in the West Wing who's slightly less important than the prompter guy. J.D. vance, Vice President and the weak link in your improv group. He's been on the podcast circuit lately to plug his memoir and share a bit about himself, but I feel like he's oversharing.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

The thing I couldn't get over Biden is the way that he ate ice cream. I mean, it's like, you know, we could bring some of this stuff up, but it's like they would get him eating ice cream in the most ridiculous, suggestive way imaginable.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Suggestive? I mean, I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice cream, but I don't remember pitching a tent over it. You ever meet someone with a kink and they assume you have it, too?

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Man.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Man, look at that goat. Just teasing us. But if you actually look at Joe Biden eating ice cream, there's nothing suggestive about it. I mean, look at this. The man uses his teeth. He's biting it like a shark. Either JD Vance doesn't know what he's talking about, or I've been giving blowjobs wrong this whole time. But Rocky Road isn't Vance sexual food. Hang up. You know how politicians are always being photographed awkwardly eating food at a state fair? JD is not gonna let that happen to him. You have to be a very manly man to be able to eat a. Confidently. Confidently eat a corn dog.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

I don't know that I could do it, Joe.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

I eat them.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

They're good.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Yeah, but they taste good.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

Are you. I love corn dogs. I try to eat my corn dogs. That's between me and my kitchen.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

That's between you and your kitchen. Yeah, that's right. JD's not one of those losers eating corn dogs in public. He's eating his corn dogs alone over his sink in the dark. Who's making a fool of himself now? Why do you have this gay panic, dude? Nobody's gonna think the corn dog is a penis. I mean, it's a hot dog, so there is some rat penis in there, but it's not like, in a gay way.

Ad Voice

But J.D.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

vance wasn't just there to list his top ten most arousing foods. He also clued Joe Rogan in on the US Strategy for the war in Iran.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

We're not just going to do something open ended indefinitely. We're not just going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're going to try to use our military force as one of the many tools that we have to solve the problem.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Yeah, yeah, I love that. Our military shouldn't just be used to bomb without any strategy. Great idea, J.D. oh, quick suggestion. Instead of flying to Austin to tell it to this podcaster, why don't you walk down the hall and tell it to your boss, the President of the United States. Because so far his strategy is bomb. And I like your strategy of don't do bomb. Which I hope is for strategic reasons and not just because the shape of a missile makes you uncomfortably horny. Now you might be wondering, how does this guy even know that he's the Vice President? Don't worry, he knows.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

Like my life is, dude, totally transformed. I don't go to the grocery store anymore. People go to the grocery store for me.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Dude, that's awesome. Maybe you should go to the grocery store. You might learn some stuff. Like, oh, were beans always $85? No, they weren't. And it's actually your job to. But still, the Vice President wants people to know that even though he doesn't do his own grocery shopping, he's still J.D. from the block.

Guest or Secondary Commentator

But it can become the sort of thing that if you internalize it, you start to be an entitled asshole.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Yeah, you see, he's self aware. Don't forget this guy is from rural Ohio. He grew up poor, so he's not about to exploit his newfound privilege at taxpayers expense. Right, right,

Co-host/Commentator

right.

Commercial Voice

Some of the Secret Service agents assigned to protect Vice President J.D. vance say they're, quote, fed up with his personal and family travel requests.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Just last Thursday, the family demanded that agents join a military helicopter crew to fly his young son to his golf lesson across town. They have also used the choppers to house hunt in Virginia. Now first off, if you're trying to get the best deal on a new house, maybe don't show up in a helicopter. I can't go over 1 5. Money's tight. I said money is tight. It's the Secret Service who blew the whistle. Do you know how overbearing you have to be? If the people who signed up to take a bullet for you are like, woof. This guy is a diva. Move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and the personification of sun sout guns out because he has nothing else going on right now. He came out with an important message for the troops.

Pete Hegseth

We have the most elite warriors on the face of the earth. While we invest heavily in our weapons systems, platforms and gear, our most decisive tactical advantage will always be the individual. We have a sacred duty to maintain that advantage. Which is why we must constantly look for new ways to optimize your performance, your resilience, and your long term health.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Awesome. You know, I thought this guy was just a walking word salad of military cliches, but no. He cares about the troops and there's so much to do. We could fix the va, Give our troops some mental health care. For once, I could feel good about where our money is going. So what's the priority here, Petey?

Pete Hegseth

Today I'm authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency for our service members. Ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Hell yeah. This Secretary of War up policy a lot. It's kind of a problem. So wait, am I understanding this correctly? He thinks the biggest problem facing troops is low tide? Wait, are the Marines pulling the trigger with their rock hard cocks? You know, every time you look at what this administration is up to, you always find the most insane combination of audacity and stupidity. But after all this time, I do think there's something we can do about it. All it takes is purple bananas. Purple bananas. Purple bananas. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile.

Co-host/Commentator

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

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Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Close your eyes.

Donald Trump (Impersonator or Quoted Speaker)

Exhale.

Host (Comedian/Commentator)

Feel your body relax and let go

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