The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Episode: S3 EP9 | How to Take Your Relationship to the Next Level
Release Date: January 30, 2025

Hosts:

• A
• B

Introduction

In Season 3 of The Messy Podcast, hosts A and B delve into Mel Robbins' insightful book, The Let Them Theory. Episode 9, titled How to Take Your Relationship to the Next Level, explores transformative strategies for building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. The hosts guide listeners through recognizing unhealthy patterns, enhancing commitment, and embracing self-love to attract the right partners.

1. Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns

[00:36]
A: Highlights the importance of recognizing recurring patterns in relationships, especially the tendency to attract similar, often unhealthy partners.

[00:48]
B: Emphasizes that these patterns are usually subconscious, citing a University of Alberta study mentioned by Mel Robbins.
Quote:
"Our brains are wired to repeat what they know, even if it leads to heartache." [01:04]

Discussion:
Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their relationship histories to identify and understand these recurring dynamics.

2. Taking Time Off from Dating

[01:14]
A: Addresses listeners who recognize these patterns in themselves, questioning whether they should cease dating altogether.

[01:17]
B: Suggests that Mel Robbins recommends taking a year-long hiatus from dating.
Quote:
"It's not about avoiding relationships altogether. It's about hitting pause and investing that time in self-discovery." [02:06]

Discussion:
This period is framed as an investment in personal growth, allowing individuals to break free from unhealthy cycles and become the best versions of themselves.

3. Enhancing Commitment in Current Relationships

[02:53]
A: Shifts focus to listeners already in relationships seeking deeper commitment.
B: Introduces advice from relationship expert Matthew Hussey on approaching commitment conversations with self-respect.
Quote:
"It's about valuing your time and not pleading or guilt-tripping the other person." [03:07]

Discussion:
A sample script is discussed, guiding listeners on how to express their desire for deeper commitment respectfully and confidently.

4. Loving the Potential vs. the Present

[04:42]
A: Brings up the common issue of being in love with someone's potential rather than who they are currently.
B: Points out that loving potential can lead to resentment over unchanging habits.
Quote:
"It's like you're in love with this fantasy and not the actual person standing right there." [05:20]

Discussion:
Hosts encourage listeners to assess whether they can genuinely accept their partners as they are or if fundamental incompatibilities exist.

5. The ABCDE Loop for Managing Expectations

[05:51]
B: Introduces Mel Robbins' ABCDE loop strategy for dealing with expectations and potential deal-breakers.
Breakdown:

• A: Apologize for past negativity.
• B: Ask open-ended questions about behavior.
• C: Back off and observe behavior.
• D: Decide if it's a deal-breaker.
• E: Either end the complaining or the relationship.
  Quote:
  "It's about making a conscious choice." [07:40]

Discussion:
This method empowers individuals to address issues proactively and decide whether to continue investing in the relationship.

6. Handling Breakups and Heartbreak

[09:24]
A: References research by John Gottman, noting that 69% of relationship conflicts stem from perpetual, unchangeable issues.
Quote:
"Rejection is not a reflection of our worth. It's simply a sign that we weren't a match for that particular person." [20:30]

Discussion:
The conversation transitions to navigating heartbreak, emphasizing that ending a relationship can be a step towards personal growth and finding more compatible partners.

7. Self-Compassion and Healing Strategies

[14:05]
B: Discusses Mel Robbins' advice on allowing oneself to feel all emotions during the healing process.
Quote:
"It's about offering ourselves that same compassion and understanding that we would offer a dear friend." [15:02]

[14:18]
A: Introduces the concept of a 30-day no-contact period to facilitate emotional healing.
Quote:
"It's about consciously choosing to step away from that well-worn path and allowing those neural connections to weaken." [14:26]

Discussion:
Strategies include visualization, prioritizing self-care, and redirecting energy towards personal well-being to foster resilience and readiness for future relationships.

8. Choosing the Love We Deserve

[16:33]
A: Explores Mel Robbins' perspective on shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset regarding love.
Quote:
"It's about recognizing that we are whole and complete on our own and that a relationship is a beautiful addition to our lives, not a necessity for our happiness." [17:02]

Discussion:
Hosts discuss practical steps to cultivate this mindset, such as prioritizing well-being, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion, which in turn attracts healthier relationships.

9. Taking Action in Dating

[18:20]
B: Emphasizes the importance of taking proactive steps in the dating process rather than waiting passively for love to find you.
Quote:
"You can't just sit on the couch in your PJs and expect love to magically appear." [18:33]

Discussion:
Suggestions include joining social groups aligned with personal interests, experimenting with online dating, and being open to new connections to expand social circles and create opportunities for meaningful encounters.

10. Handling Rejection and Building Resilience

[20:30]
A: Addresses the inevitability of rejection in dating and how to view it constructively.
Quote:
"Rejection is not a reflection of our worth. It's simply a sign that we weren't a match for that particular person." [20:30]

Discussion:
Rejection is reframed as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal failure, fostering resilience and maintaining a positive outlook towards future relationships.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

[22:11]
B: Summarizes the episode, emphasizing that fulfilling relationships begin with a strong relationship with oneself.
Quote:
"The power to create fulfilling relationships starts with our relationship with ourselves." [22:11]

[22:32]
A: Reinforces the importance of self-worth, kindness, and taking courageous steps towards desired love.
Quote:
"It's about believing in our worthiness, treating ourselves with kindness and respect, and taking those brave steps towards the love that we desire." [22:23]

Final Thoughts:
Hosts encourage listeners to engage with the community through themessypodcast.com, sharing experiences and supporting one another in their journey towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "Our brains are wired to repeat what they know, even if it leads to heartache." — B [01:04]
• "It's not about avoiding relationships altogether. It's about hitting pause and investing that time in self-discovery." — B [02:06]
• "It's about valuing your time and not pleading or guilt-tripping the other person." — B [03:07]
• "It's like you're in love with this fantasy and not the actual person standing right there." — B [05:20]
• "It's about making a conscious choice." — B [07:40]
• "Rejection is not a reflection of our worth. It's simply a sign that we weren't a match for that particular person." — B [20:30]
• "It's about recognizing that we are whole and complete on our own and that a relationship is a beautiful addition to our lives, not a necessity for our happiness." — B [17:02]
• "You can't just sit on the couch in your PJs and expect love to magically appear." — B [18:33]
• "The power to create fulfilling relationships starts with our relationship with ourselves." — B [22:11]
• "It's about believing in our worthiness, treating ourselves with kindness and respect, and taking those brave steps towards the love that we desire." — A [22:23]

Final Remarks

The Messy Podcast effectively translates Mel Robbins' The Let Them Theory into actionable insights for listeners seeking to elevate their relationships. By addressing both the emotional and practical aspects of love and self-growth, hosts A and B provide a comprehensive guide for navigating the complexities of modern relationships.

For more in-depth discussions and community support, listeners are encouraged to visit themessypodcast.com and join the ongoing conversation.