Stuart Ralph

You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this through interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome to episode 545 of the podcast. And in this one I got back on Duke L. Duke is a spoken word artist and OCD advocate. Now, Duke came on a while ago to share his OCD story and I'll link that in the show notes. And I've got the privilege and pleasure of knowing him over the last few years. And we spoke at the OCD Game Changers event together in Seville in Spain recently. And then we, we talked about, you know, getting him back on the podcast to maybe share some of his poems. So in this episode he reads some of his poems about OCD and explains the meanings behind them, including a new one partially inspired by a bit of my own story. He talks about the power of poetry and how we use poetry as a self therapy. I really enjoyed hearing Duke's poems. I'm so glad that you could have the air time to share them with you and hopefully you also find them inspiring and meaningful in some way. And thanks to our podcast partners, nocd. If OCD is interfering with your life, NOCD can help. They're licensed therapists, specialize in exposure and response prevention therapy, the most proven therapy for OCD. We with NOCD, effective treatment that is 100% virtual is available for children and adults with OCD. And most members can get started within seven days on average. No hassle, just real science backed help and support between sessions. Begin your journey@nocd.com where I'll put the link in the episode description. So thank you to you guys for listening, as always, it means a lot and thank you so much to Duke for his time and poetry. Without further ado, here he is. Welcome back to the podcast, Duke.

Duke L

Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, it's good to have you back on. And I will link in the show notes for anyone who didn't hear our first episode where you shared your story so they can go listen to that if they want to hear your story. But yeah, obviously we were, we were in Spain together in Seville. I don't know when, what, a month ago? For the. Yeah, for the OCD Game Changers eventually. And we had the, the talk then about, you know, should we do an episode again and like what would it be about and why don't we do it on your poems and then. Yes, that's what we're going to do today.

Duke L

Yeah, yeah, no, Seville was fun, very hot. But yeah, really good event out there and great to see you and Johnny again and Chrissy of course. And yes, I thought, yeah, like the idea of just sharing some poems, mainly about OCD and hopefully showing, yeah. The power of poetry and maybe, you know how I've used it as a bit of a self therapy growing up. Well, I say a bit of a self therapy. A self therapy when I was younger growing up. So.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, nice. Yeah, let's get into it. So which one do you want to cover first?

Duke L

The one I'm just going to open up with. It's just one that I just do when. Whenever I sort of do sort of live events. Often with my live events I'm speaking to, you know, loads of different people in the audience and these live events could be for, I don't know, certain conferences, just me as being a guest speaker for an awards or something. And I always like to raise awareness of OCD because number one, I'm sure there's somebody in the room with OCD other than me. But number two, it's always great to try and break the stigma. So I very quickly tell my story as very. In a bit of a sort of five minutes. Yeah, I got about five minutes to tell my story. So I've got to do that really quick, really quickly and concisely, really explain what OCD is. And then I end with this poem. And this poem is the first one I want to do just because I think it sets the tone and the sort of vibe of why I write poetry, really. That's cool. Called poetry and rhyme and the. Sorry. The aim for this, yeah, as I said, is to break down that stigma and just sort of sum up my story. From about 12 years old till about 2122 it's poetry and rhyme. I've scribbled bad thoughts in my notebook From a young age I've been feeling broken Look, I'm riddled with disorder Everybody thinks OCD is order but that I label things A to Z color coded But I'm overloaded mentally with daily torture you see it stops at C because he's a beast the beauty in my mind's deceased is anxiety trauma Being a bad thought hoarder and it's back again so I turn to the drinker becomes my water and that's a turn of phrase As I open up the tin ELCD squirms in rage but when will I learn? Temporary fixes it ain't worth the pain it opens up a can of worms I try to wriggle up the riddles but I'm dazed I need some support to fight see Should I go Martin or Malcolm? Can you tell me Spike Lee? Maybe Black Panther's the answer so I drink Vibranium to fix my cranium Chadwick rest in high peace Mum gave me some of her black magic Said, listen son, never lose yourself Mental health will appear like a hat rabbit Bad habit I don't need to feel like Harry I will solve Tom Riddle I'll attack Stab it with my pen Cuz you could cut me open I bleed ink Mine's been broken I needed to rethink I'm married to the pen the ring binds to the page because poetry and rhyme saved my life Pen is sharper than a blade and that's sort of the, the poem that sort of very, very briefly scratches the surface of, of ocd. But at the beginning of it, hopefully after I've told my story a little bit, you know, breaks down that stigma a bit and shows the power of spoken words. So, yeah, I just wanted to open up with that one.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I mean that one. I've heard you do it a couple times on stage now and it always goes down well. I mean it really well one, it instantly tells you what OCD is not. You know, it breaks the, the, the myth there at the start, but you clearly get across the struggle, as you say, the torture, the disorder, all of that really comes across. And then the coping mechanisms like drinking and the pain of that.

Duke L

Yeah, 100%. I mean, drinking, as you know, Stu from our chats has been bit of a nemesis for me. Definitely huge part of my story is, I do call it a negative coping mechanism because even though there were many times where I had a laugh, laugh while I was drinking, you know, I would purposely use it because it was, you know, it was an escape. And then it became negative because I would not just use it, I'd abuse it. And then from abusing it led to, you know, lots of, well, I've been arrested, you know, I've gone into a few little scraps which weren't very good. Not that I wanted to fight anybody else, I wanted to fight myself. Obviously led to different things and then, and then eventually led me to, yeah, that, that, that difficult time when I was 21 when I stepped in front of, stepped in front of a car. So, yeah, yeah. Anyway, moving on, on a brighter note,

Stuart Ralph

it's worth Sharing that because. Yeah. It shows you how it just debilitated.

Duke L

Yeah. Yeah. 100. I. Listen, I. I still drink to this day. I'm not. Not going to sit here and tell you I'm teetotal, because I'm not. But my. My. My relationship with alcohol is far, far better than it was. It really is. But a goal of mine eventually would be to. To be teetotal. Just not. I guess. I don't know. I'm not in the head space to do that yet. But at least I'm not abusing it anymore, if that makes sense.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, it does.

Duke L

Yeah. Or actually, let me. Let me be more honest. I'm not abusing it as much as I used to. I still now and then have the odd struggle. Yeah. I'm not. Not gonna say I don't, because that's not fair. That's not right. Okay.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

Moving on.

Stuart Ralph

Nice.

Duke L

Thanks for that. No, that's all right. So I thought it's always nice then to follow that by then telling you, like, how OCD obviously loves to put this naughty little hand in everything that we like to do. And I love to obviously write poetry. And when, you know, when I go to perform my poetry often, it's very good to make sure I've got it memorized. You know, if I'm performing in front of an audience, I just think, number one, it just looks a bit more professional. And number two, I genuinely do perform it better when I've got it memorized. But memorizing the poem for me is very challenging, and hopefully this poem tells you why. It's called A Letter to myself about letters. Letters let us communicate when the pen is on the page where your hate cannot be betrayed they are my escape. Let us let trust illuminate between the gaping hole in which I create to keep you in the shade Let us break like an iceberg of lettuce where our layers are laid for all on display so people know you and how you manipulate me. Let a race for letters zoom at a pace where cadence dances an informal sentence structure a free flow unique changes, no life sentence just me, my life behind these bars, these stands Ares All I want to do is write meaningful words which relate and educate my fellow humans with a seamless flow. Let us, let us loathe lonely licking lips, getting ready to spit but this time who won the race? Will I tribity triple slippity slip on the tippity tip of my tongue where I'd run into a sudden fatigue where the letters don't flow so quick they slow stick to my enzymes as if they become chopped up. Then you end rhymes quick, my mouth, a letterbox full of your hate mail. I digest lines, they pass through my intestines. Is this my test? I don't know even if I rehearsed, I choke. Yeah, it's the nerves, but it's also this bloke, this person, this version of me within me. Yes, I am talking to you, ocd. With each letter you attach a thought that's dark and gloomy which detaches my concentration. I must obey my brain to feel okay as these thoughts start to consume me. Anxiety through the roof, I complete my compulsions, yet fears soon resume. C they are mentally traumatizing, R rated. Nothing's ever A okay, because you OCD have no resp. ECT for me, frankly, when I'm trying to learn my words, my poetry. So I'm gonna keep this PG13 to save the triggers. After all, you are a Looney Tune looming around all smug. You think it's funny as you chewing my ear like an evil Bugs Bunny, I feel O juke. You're like Daffy Duck who can't pronounce these letters or they just get stuck. But still I write my rhymes. I want them to kill this pain with wordplay and syllables, deeper meaning skills lyrical to fight against these rituals, the cynical, miserable individual, uncontrollable like the Tasmanian devil. I'm ill, of course. All I want to do is write meaningful words which relate and educate my fellow humans with a seamless flow. These letters, they form my poems and with each letter I'll get better. I'll forget your ocd. All of those intrusive thoughts you hopelessly throw at me. I'm the competitor competing for my. You're my vendetta, a part of me forever. But you will never stop my rhymes.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I like that. It's good. I like the word play on that. Yeah. When did you write that one?

Duke L

That one? At least 20. 22. Maybe. Maybe earlier than that because I don't

Stuart Ralph

know if I've heard you do that one live.

Duke L

No, I've. Again, I wrote that so long ago, but I've only started to perform it live from memory.

Stuart Ralph

Oh, okay.

Duke L

Last year. But yeah, I guess, you know, just to sum it up really quick, it's literally about. I'm trying to learn my poems, but it's really hard because it's something I want to do and it's something that I know will better my performance. And I know, I know it's something that I like to challenge myself. It's a challenge. So all these things are, like, all these good things for me to do, and then it just makes OCD attack me even more, if that makes sense.

Stuart Ralph

Well, yeah. Living by your values, you're pushing yourself and.

Duke L

Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I go for it.

Duke L

I was just gonna say. And also, I never know, like, who's in the room. So if I'm performing, you know, that could then lead to another, you know, another gig.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

So I've all. I'm constantly thinking about, like, I'm. I'm going to perform well and stuff like that. So it's a lot of. I guess it's a lot of pressure that I probably put on myself. On top of ocd.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, absolutely. Well, it's your career as well, right? You're not just creative writing, you're doing it to pay your bills as well.

Duke L

Exactly.

Stuart Ralph

There's that added pressure and.

Duke L

Yeah, and there's a line there about, like, the letters. So, like, obviously A, B, C, D, as in letters, not like a written letter. Yeah, so just, like, numbers. My OCD can attach intrusive thoughts to letters as well. So, like, trying to learn one line, and that one line begins with a letter that's just. Just, you know, don't feel good. It's like, oh, man, that's a tough one to learn. Does that make sense?

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, it does. Yeah.

Duke L

Just very. It's just. I would. I would argue it's probably slightly more challenging to learn a poem than, you know, the person who. A person who doesn't have ocd.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, no, that's. I think that's a fair thing to say. And when you. Maybe this is a question on creative writing. When you say. Because that was quite a long poem in a good way. But when. When you were in a poem of that length, do you have the whole kind of thing in mind of, like, the story, the flow of it? Or is it more like you just write sentence one? Right. What's sentence two gonna be, if that makes sense?

Duke L

No, I think. I think that's a really good question. But with my poems, they can form in various different ways. Like, I can literally just think of a word which I really like to rhyme and then go from that word and then to start developing a poem. Or I could think of a cool line which I think's got good wordplay in, for example. So I think. I can't quite remember how this one started, but it might have literally started with a letter to myself about letters.

Stuart Ralph

Okay.

Duke L

I thought that was quite interesting and quite Fun. And I wanted to write something about that experience of trying to learn a poem. In fact, I was actually doing a bit of a collaboration with another poet. This was a while ago on Instagram. We ended up not doing it together, but I think her name's Jackie. She's great. She's from London. And, yeah, we both sort of had that chat about, like, how we struggle sometimes to learn our poems. So that's where that one really came from.

Stuart Ralph

Okay. Yeah.

Duke L

But, yeah, I'll just write until I feel like I've got everything I wanted to say out. I appreciate some poems can be long and stuff and, you know, especially with today's, you know, day and age with attention spans. But, like, I'm just. Yeah, some of my poems can be short, but some of them can be three, four minutes. And they're. Three, four minutes. Minutes. I've written them for a purpose, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Ralph

Absolutely. Cool. Thank you. So, yeah.

Duke L

What's next? What's next?

Stuart Ralph

Yeah,

Duke L

I was going to do a special one for you, Stu.

Stuart Ralph

Okay.

Duke L

I hope you don't mind me saying this on the podcast, but obviously I saw, you know, your very powerful story in Seville, talking about your story with ocd, and you mentioned something which I found really interesting, which was like, Interstellar.

Stuart Ralph

Oh, yeah, right.

Duke L

And what I got from that was, was like, you were in that black hole and you could see things happening, but you couldn't. You weren't there. If that makes it. I'm not sure if I got that right. Is that right?

Stuart Ralph

Well, yeah. So that's. So, yeah, you are right. I was using it in that way. That's because I have. No incel is the best example. I have to explain the kind of fear when I was a kid, which was like, if I didn't do something right, I would still be with my family in this kind of universe. But I. No, sorry. With my family physically, but mentally, something had changed. I'd be almost being like another dimension. And that's so interstellar was just because there's the layers in Interstellar. Right. And like, him seeing those through those layers but not quite being able to reach his family, but seeing it was like that.

Duke L

Yeah, I just found that, like, I've seen Interstellar a few times. I think it's a great film. I'm a big film buff and I've always saw that bit and found it fascinating. But the way you use that as an analogy for OCD I thought was, yeah, really powerful, actually. So I decided to write a poem about It. I've not actually titled this yet. This is how new this poem is. And. Yeah, well, maybe we'll chat about it afterwards. Forever fallen into darkness. No harness. Even light runs away. Sometimes. Time feels so slow. It's static, yet so fast, I panic. What have I missed? Oh, I hope I didn't miss anything. But I know the deeper I go through this hole, the more I do not respond. As all communication signals are distorted, brainwaves are heightened, the sound mind is aborted. Gravity no longer pulls me, yet the gravity of the darkness of the hole I have fallen into is monumental. I stretch my hands to hold onto something. I land gently. I stare at myself through a memory in a realm of overwhelm. I'm banging and banging on the door, on the wall outside of reality. Please remember me as my younger self begins to perform his first compulsion, a repulsion into the very beginning of darkness. Stress, shame, guilt, uncertainty are the only things I could harness. Upset from the relentlessness of unwanted torture, I bang. I bang. Hysterical. I can hardly watch. I lift my fist once more. I must endure. End your monumental moment of suffering, Duke. I bang. Did it work? Can you hear me? I see myself respond. Head down, shoulders droop. I've hit younger me. Out of a spiral, time begins to move differently. I spiral upwards, this time not falling, but rising far faster than the fall. I begin to see light. It takes control over the darkness. I am ejected into life again. My eyes now reveal the present state. I see young people who look a little like me surround me. I hear bleep after bleep. I feel sick by the sight of a cannula in my arm. Now, what have I missed? How old am I? That was obviously very, very new, which is why I was struggling to perform that. But, no, that was. Yeah, just take an inspiration from yourself. And then the film Interstellar, you know, as you know, Matthew McConaughey returns and his daughter's like, 90.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

And I was like, OCD can sometimes stop you from being present, um, or. Or stop you from seeing the people that you love and stuff like that. And I thought, what an interesting way of. Of trying to show that visually.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

By saying that somebody has just missed so much time, they're now an old person in the bed. That's what that was sort of meant to represent. And they've just. They've just finally snapped out of whatever's going, you know, whatever ritual or spiral that they're in. And now they've got, like, probably grandchildren around them, and they just don't even Know what's happened, if that makes sense.

Stuart Ralph

It does. That does happen. Right? Obviously people don't like interstellar where they lose that much time, but they're not present with a lot of experiences in their life. And it can feel like I've wasted so much time. I mean, that can be really hard for people. And yeah, that poem, it brought a tear to my eye. That was really powerful, especially the don't forget me bit. I think it was. Was it Don't Forget Me? Yeah, yeah, that moved me. And I don't know, for the title, monumental came to mind because you use that word. Right, Monumental. Because the gravita. The severity of OCD is monumental and the experience is monumental.

Duke L

I literally edited that about half an hour ago, minutes ago. So I added that word in 40.

Stuart Ralph

There you go.

Duke L

There you go.

Stuart Ralph

That's the word I picked up.

Duke L

That's the word.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. Nice. No, that's. I really like that. That's a really, really powerful one. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that.

Duke L

Ah, thanks for the. Yeah. I think it's always interesting with poetry. You can use these analogies or themes or concepts to really bring such as, you know, really bring, well, OCD to life, hopefully. And yeah, hopefully this, you know, helps people living with ocd, but also helps people understand OCD and more who. Who don't live with it, you know?

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

I've got one now called Numbers, Prayers, Checks, which I did perform in Seville. But honestly, I wrote this. I couldn't even tell you when. It was years ago. It was one of. One of the first. I remember when I started to sort of share my work, which was. Yeah, a good eight. Oh, no. Yeah, eight plus years. Yeah, about eight years ago. Maybe seven years ago. I don't know, something like that.

Stuart Ralph

Cool.

Duke L

And yes, a little bit of background. So numbers are a huge part of my ocd. Intrusive thoughts are attached to all sorts of numbers and I. My main sort of compulsion is repetitive prayer in my head. And then obviously I do some checks as well. So this is a little bit about that effect. Numbers, prayers, checks. Prayers, numbers, checks, checks, prayers, numbers Repeat anxiety increases my heartbeat Moments like this in need of relief Life would be easier if my heart didn't beat. I cannot even clean my teeth without uncertainty Responsibility to prevent tragedy Performing rituals in a virtual reality. Numbers, prayers, checks Feels like infinity, yet it eventually ends as I again defeat ocd. All it really does is consume all of my time. Tricks me, traps me, captures, confuses my mind, stops me from starting a new part of my journey. Then I'M giving power meaning to numbers Intrusive thought Praying multiple times again I'm lost Looking for the key I can't find to unlock the strangling grip on my mind where is the end of the line? Feel like I'm on a constant decline where only the darkness will shine. I cannot take this voice of self destruction from within anymore. I'm not going to let OCD win. No, I shall not perform ritual after ritual. Feels paralyzing, not neutralizing bad thought. I must suffer and sit with the torture until I see naught. Nothing left, just emptiness as this war has had its hour. It just passed right between my eyesight. Like a raging storm meteor shower. The mind is free, the mind is calm. Until the next attack from the coward. But I am ready. Fueled with unlimited energy. The ink. Credible Hulk. The pen. My infinite superpower.

Stuart Ralph

I like that. I love the meteor shower line.

Duke L

Yeah, well, that's why I feel like it sometimes can be just like this raging storm. Also, my favorite superhero is the Hulk.

Stuart Ralph

Okay.

Duke L

Although it's fun to add that in there.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, yeah.

Duke L

Play on words with the ink because obviously the Hulk wants to fight back.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah,

Duke L

yeah. I remember. I remember specifically writing this because I remember just trying to clean my teeth, which is why I've put. I cannot clean my teeth without uncertainty. I was literally just trying to. You know this. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is probably go to the toilet and then clean my teeth. And I was just, like, putting in. Putting my toothbrush in and out of the pot and then washing my toothbrush, cleaning my teeth, washing the toothbrush cleaner. I was just getting. It was catching me a lot back then.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

I was like, my days, I can't even do, like, a simple task, like clean my teeth. This is doing my head in.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

So, yeah, that's why I put that little bit in there.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I think starting the day with something like that just. It just sets you up for, like, a tough day because from the moment you wake up, you exhausting yourself doing compulsions and. Or trying to resist compulsions and. Yeah, it's hard.

Duke L

Yeah, definitely. I mean, you know, however small or big the compulsions are, they're still just really difficult for that person, aren't they?

Stuart Ralph

It will take willpower and brain power.

Duke L

100%. 100%. I get really annoyed when I like. I get really annoyed when I stumble in a poem or I say, like, the wrong word. It really winds me up. I keep doing it. It's annoying me. It's all good.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. You're human.

Duke L

I know, I know, I know. I'm gonna go to a poem called Dear Chris Now. So this is actually more of sort of a December poem. And you'll see why. Why now? But I think, yeah, I performed this, actually an OCD action event, which was great back in a couple of years ago in December. And again, it's just. I'm showing sort of hopefully just different ways of writing poetry to maybe get your thoughts across or articulate how you're feeling. So this is more of a letter. This form, a letter to myself about letters, was a letter to me. This one's called Dear Chris. Dear Chris, I know I'm older. I know you don't exist, but in case you're real, here it is. My Christmas list. I know I don't deserve gifts or to live a life of pure bliss, but I'm hurting. This is more like a desperate wish. Please let me wake up feeling free on the 25th. No more compulsions. Let intrusive thoughts become a myth. Let me be in the present with my family where I can happily live. Let my presence present the real me with no worry to contest with. That would be the best gift. I hope you're real. I feel disconnected. And even if you are, I guess you'll be busy with your checklists. I know all about that, so don't worry if you forget this. Best wishes, Duke. Dear Chris, I'm not sure if you remember me or ever read my letter, but it's that time of the year again, and my thoughts aren't much better. They are harsh. They are cold, like the North Pole weather in its worst ever snowstorm. My body tremors from the terrors. My mind is decorated with outcomes of tragedy. When I outrun just one intrusive thought, out comes a travesty. A Grinch who leaves me within an inch of thinking capacity, who wraps my brain in holly leaves. Thinking becomes catastrophe. You ride your sleigh with sleigh bells and reindeers. My mind is slain. He raises hell. He rains fears. I pray and I pray my tears form rain. And when that rain clears the pain from the flames until it happens again the same year. Please, Chris, this 25th, will you let my mind be calm? I want to decorate the tree without thinking of hanging or harm. I want to hang stockings. Poor crackers. Without thinking of bombs. I guess I really am crackers. If I think you're even listening, please tell me I'm wrong. Sing me a song. Distract me. Give me wings to move on Away from the pain, away from the sins. Will you respond? Yours sincerely, Duke. Dear Chris, this might be the last letter I ever write to you. Fears have heightened. I cannot keep on fighting through this tightening noose. OCD has my life aloof. The frightening truth, I can't find the light. I'm screwed. How do I get out of this? How do I get you to answer my very first wish? The only gift I ever wanted was for you to lift this hydraulic press of responsibility off my shoulders before I'm squished. My brother just had a baby boy. I want to spend time with my family and watch him play with toys, rip the wrapping paper with radiating joy without the struggle of uncertainty and the razor bladed noise. OCT tells me I do not deserve this. But Chris know this. I am determined. This is my last letter to you. Maybe you never wrote back on purpose. I guess I needed to figure this out myself to know I am worth it. I refuse to live on for I'm not really living. I refuse to stop doing the things I love that I feel are fulfilling. I will be the hero of my story, defeating ocd, the villain. I will spread this message to empower others as Christmas is forgiven. Many thanks, Duke.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I like that.

Duke L

A little letter to good old Chris. Yeah. So basically OCD especially, you know, when I still hadn't had the specific intervention that I needed, OCD was really heightened around Christmas time for me. Yeah, it was really, really challenging. I think that's just because I, you know, I really enjoyed Christmas and it was lovely to be with the family and it's something I looked forward to and you know, OCD then will target that. And I remember one Christmas really just speaking to my mum and saying, look, this is, I just, this is how I'm feeling. My mum's been great all throughout my life and she was like, right, we need to go to the doctors, we need to figure this out. But yeah, I guess that's why I wrote it really, because I think, you know, if I struggle at Christmas time, I'm sure other people do as well.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, yeah, I used to really struggle at Christmas time with ocd. It was, it became

Duke L

quite hellish actually.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, because there's so much pressure at Christmas, right, to have a good time and all this and then my brain would just was on high alert and I just, it was awful. I was miserable. See, I can relate to that. So, yeah, others will obviously be able to relate to. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm glad. Yeah, I'm glad you, you wrote that one and you Know, at the end, you said about being the hero of your own story. Do you feel you're doing that now?

Duke L

I mean, yeah. I mean, a lot of my poems you'll hear will always, like, end on a positive note. And that's what I used to do when I was younger. I would. When I was just so, like, fearful of telling people what was going on. And that's when the page and, you know, the pen became my escape, really. Yeah. My brain told my hand, my handle, the pen, the pen told the page. And I was able to articulate and figure out what was going on my head through the power of poetry, rhyme and rhythm. But I would always end on a positive note. Perhaps that was ocd. Who knows? But if I would write all my horrible things down that was going on and end on that positive note, I would feel like, oh, relief. I don't think that was a compulsion. Who knows? It could have been at the time, but I don't think it was. It was. I think it's just my way of,

Stuart Ralph

like, quite human, isn't it?

Duke L

It's quite. Yeah, exactly. It's getting. Getting that negative. Getting all that horrible stuff. And ending. Do you know what? There's hope. There's always hope.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

Suffering produces perseverance. Perseverance, character and character. Hope.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

My favorite verse from the Bible. Yeah. Which has also really helped me.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that whole. Is basically in every single movie. You know, the. There's always a nice ending. Not every movie, obviously, but a large amount of them.

Duke L

Definitely.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

But no.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I was just curious. Yeah, but, yeah, I mean, look, you're living. You're doing the career you've developed for yourself and that you want to do. You're working. Your passion is your. Your job in a good relationship. You're working on your ocd. So I guess. Yeah, you are being the hero of your own story.

Duke L

Yeah. We can only try, right?

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. Heroes aren't perfect. They don't get it right. But they march on in the direction that they want to head.

Duke L

Do you know what? I wasn't going to do this poem again. Wrote this. Absolutely. Years ago. So I'm probably going to stumble, so bear with. Yeah, but you mentioned hero. This is something I wrote, I think. 2018.

Stuart Ralph

Okay.

Duke L

Again, I just very, very rarely, if ever, even. Yeah. Even perform it, to be honest. It's called I Wish if I Can Find It, Bear with Me. So I've always loved superheroes, and. This was around the time. I think. I think it was around the time of, like, Avengers Infinity War and Avengers Endgame.

Stuart Ralph

There we are.

Duke L

We got it. And at the time, like, there were, like, certain. I'm gonna say celebrities, because that's what the poem says. It says celebrities. Obviously, you know, this was a long time ago, so there were certain celebrities where I just sort of looked up to as, like, male role models. So, like, I love. I've always loved superheroes because obviously it would be cool to have a superpower. And the whole thing about being strong and fast and, you know, unstoppable, unbreakable, but also that bravery and courage. I think that's what people with OCD actually do have. They have that bravery and that courage, and they can be unstoppable and unbreakable because every single day, they have to go through something that is genuinely just ridiculously hard and that really does develop resilience. So perhaps, maybe it was a bit of that I was trying to get from the superheroes. And then some of the people that I mentioned have just got really strong mindset. But, yeah, I'll read the poem.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, go for it.

Duke L

It's called I Wish. All right. I wish I could pick up all of the weight of the world and lift it off my shoulders. Super strength, super hench, a superhero. I wish I was like some of the characters in Marvel, just to be somebody people could look up to, a role model. I wish I could fly like vision, have the power of Thor, striking thunder and lightning, using the power of my mind to attack evil's core. I wish I had the courage of Cap and the brains of Banner. I wish I was an Incredible Hulk so I could release my anger. I wish I had the tech of Tony with the webs of the Spider man so I could spin a web of master plans, so I could figure out who I am. I wish I had the humor of Drax and the leadership of Black Panther so only good was spread across the nations mixed with some banter. I wish I was like Falcon, the White Wolf, or even War Machine, fighting for a cause, being a part of a meaningful team. I wish I was like Star Lord Gamora, Rocket and Groot, stability within me. I wish I had root. I wish I was successful like the people we see on the tv, hear on the radio and watch on the big movie screens. I wish I was like Dwayne Johnson, full of optimism, just to make a decision, become the rock of my life from the choices I make, the way I am living. I wish I was like David Goggins. Turn self doubt into self accountability. The determination to achieve beyond what seemed to be human possibility. Be uncomfortable and just go out in the cold morning jogging with no stopping or skipping a single day. Full of self discipline. I wish I had Usain Bolt's consistency. Sticking to one thing, becoming a master, creating a legacy. I wish I was like Eminem, defeating my fear, giving myself a challenge. Storm the world with my wondrous talents. I wish I was an astronaut defying gravity, far away from all the negativity, complete with bravery. I wish I was like Will Smith. He seems to have it all figured out. I wish I knew I exist. I wish I knew what life's about. I wish I could be open about my mental health. I wish I was happy. I wish I loved myself. I wish I could be better, even extraordinary. I wish I was a superhero, one of these celebrities that inspire me. I wish I would just follow my gut and my passion, the thing I am good at naturally. I wish I was not afraid about what people think of me. I look for answers and hope elsewhere. Well, anywhere and everywhere. Through the music I listen to, movies I see in the Cinema. Videos on YouTube that I view of struggles people go through. Comparing my life to these success stories. Feeling like I'm living their life when watching in awe of their glory. Then when it all stops, I feel lonely. More of this anxiety it haunts me. I when right there all along the answer it lays as it stares at me in the face with a hopeful gaze. In my mind I find underneath the gray translucency deafening noise and confusion in my mindful maze Me, the key to my destiny. The only thing that can help me succeed. I am the recipe for my own self belief. Now I must leave. Gotta get to work on my dreams. See you when you complete this part of your self journey. And finally I wish to always and only be me. Who am I? I am Duke. I was very nostalgic reading that. Yeah, very, very nostalgic.

Stuart Ralph

That's a really good one. You can see like when you write these where your head is at in that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Duke L

That was very interesting for me. I was tripped down memory lane. That was.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, that's what, eight, eight years ago.

Duke L

I used to love David Goggins. Well, I still do. I think he's great. But that's the first ever book I read in my adulthood, which was his book called Can't Hurt Me. And obviously it's about, you know, being uncomfortable and he calls it callous in the mind.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

Actually, even though he doesn't mention OCD once in there, but just his sort Of, I guess, philosophy and the way he thinks. He helped me out with a really tough OCD moment there. And I struggle to read in general because of ocd. I persevered with that book and I'm really glad I did. In fact, let me show you this. This is quite fun. This is me and David Goggins.

Stuart Ralph

Yes. Anyone on Patreon, they can see that. Sorry. That's all good. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, yeah, that book's inspiring.

Duke L

Yeah, he's a good. He's a good guy. He's very. Yeah, very inspiring man. Yeah. Okay, I think I'm gonna go. I think I'm gonna go to. Yeah. One that I've started to read a little bit more lately. This is called Little Duke. Again. Just hopefully this is another way that people might be able to, you know, articulate their own story if they ever wanted to pick up the pen and write about it. So I've written. Basically, I've written as though I'm speaking to my younger self. Little Duke. Little Duke. No need to fear. It's Big Duke here. I know you're scared. I know you've held in tears from your family, from your peers, from yourself for a long, long time. I know you're scared. I know how brave you are. I know how ashamed you are. I know how the pain is carved into your mind, leaving mental scars behind. You need to tell Mum. I know your healing has begun. What are you writing about? The monster. I know you're scared. These unsolved problems, the guilt, the dread. You must tell Mum. And I know it's all about Mum at the moment, but you don't have to tell her that. You are trying to prevent her death, trying to prevent her from being in a car crash, trying to ensure her next steps are safe. I know how your bad thoughts feel like a car crash. I know you care for her so much. She brought you and your siblings up. Money scares Mummy. Always there, doing her very best for us. Everything she does is a sacrifice for us. We are loved. And I know you love her very much. I know that time you found her downstairs, laying in her own sick everywhere, bottle empty. I know you were scared of Mum being hurt. She was hurt. She never meant to make us worry. All the stress, the trauma she went through. She is human, too. All those hours Mum worked as a cleaner, being looked down upon from other mothers, from the school, judged because we lived on the Housing Association. So cruel. It would all be worth it. She's hard working, she goes to college, she gets a job while Bringing all of us up. She is extraordinary. I know you worry when Mum puts the fireworks out in the garden. November 5th. I know how hard you cry. You don't want Mum to die. Pacing up and down your bedroom, numbers consumed by numbers. No head room to think about anything else. I know bad thoughts are spilling over the rim of your skull. I know you stapled your finger, wincing at the pain, a dull ache or throb. I know you want to escape. When you had nightmares, running around the house, seeing things. Remember who was there to bring us around. Held closely in her arms, calmed by her soft voice. And the monsters disappeared. It was Mum. You need to tell Mum. She will fight for you. She will take us to the doctor's and when the doctor questions us, she will fight for you. I know how much you love her. I know your fears, little Duke. You don't have to hold in those tears. Our mum is our rock. She still is today. The monster rocked us. I know all you do is pray. The same repetitive prayer. I know you're scared. But the monster wants you to keep doing compulsions. They are not real prayers. They are compulsions. You learn to pray for real. You will learn to talk about how you feel without being afraid of backlash or painted an insane freak. Your mum is not going to die because of what the monster told you. I promise. His voice quietens down. He does not control you. Your mum just wants to hold you. Let her hold you. She is starting to notice the cracks. You disguise it so well through humor, through sport. A mother always knows when her child is distraught. I know you mask it by being the tough kid. You don't want your friends to know you sleep with the light on. Afraid of the monster. I know school is tough. Trying to concentrate in class. Worried what friends and friends parents will say if you don't pass. And when you're older, you do fail school. But Mum is there to guide you through. She has a plan. Just talk to her. She understands compulsions will make things worse. And you are not a bad person. Talk to Mum. She loves you. And I know how much you love. I know you're scared. But the monster will not win. Keep being strong. Keep on fighting. Through writing. Your poetry will grow to be something impactful. Cry those tears. Fight those fears. I love you, little Duke. You will get through. Love, big Duke.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. A really powerful younger self exercise. Really? Right. Because we do that in therapy sometimes on compassion focused therapy. Writing a letter to your younger self and. Yeah, it's nice you've Done it in that poetry form.

Duke L

Yeah, I think that was. That was an important one for me to write because, you know, as I got old, I started looking back, like, when did OCD start? Or, you know, how did it pop up? Yeah.

Stuart Ralph

And

Duke L

the earliest intrusive thought I have, which really, really got me was, my mum's going to die in a car crash. And, like, you know, my mum was my rock, hence why OCD targeted that.

Stuart Ralph

And,

Duke L

yeah, it was. It was hard, man. It was like I was. I felt like I had to prevent her death every day, like multiple times a day, as, you know, as. As, you know, with ocd. Yeah, it was tough. But actually speaking to her about. About it, it was, you know, she was the one who took me to the doctors and, you know, I guess started my journey of, you know, trying to get help, you know. So, yeah, she's. She's my rock. She's great. She's amazing.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, yeah. And. And when you wrote that, was it. I don't say healing, but maybe. Was it healing in any way or cathartic to, like, give compassion to that younger you or support from the older you?

Duke L

Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think that's a poem I needed to write. 100%. Yeah. I think, you know, I don't cry often, but I think I definitely teared it when writing it. Yeah, 100%. Like, whenever. Whenever I think about, like, little Duke, like, how much I was just struggling and just trying my best to be stoic and, like, just not. Not. Not showing any crap, not to any of my friends because. Or not to anybody in school, you know, I was always, like, slightly scared of the older kids and I didn't want to show them that I scared of them. And I lived on the housing association where, you know, sometimes, like, some dodgy stuff was happening. I was just trying. I just never wanted to be scared, even though I was scared. Which means, you know, when I was living with ocd, I was just trying my best just to. Not. Not. Sure, a wink of weakness. That was a lot of pressure. And I did that through, like, you know, mainly through sport. Like, I was a decent rugby player, which is how I felt. Like I maybe got a bit of respect, should we say, or, like, at least I wouldn't get picked on or anything like that, because I was quite a good rugby player. Yeah, it was just a lot, man.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

Yeah, it does make me tear up a bit. Yeah. Maybe two more, do you think? Ish. Yeah.

Stuart Ralph

As long as we can get it fit in the time, go ahead. Yeah.

Duke L

Do It. I mentioned a car crash. I hope you don't mind me mentioning this to you. So I, Yeah, I had quite a serious car crash in December and it was on the M4s on the motorway. Basically, somebody smashed into the back of me about 50 miles per hour when I was stuck in traffic because they obviously weren't concentrating. But I saw it all happen. I'm not going to go into the story because I also really don't want to upset or trigger anybody.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

But mine was. My car was first to hit and then. So five cars were written off and seven cars were involved in total. And my car got. Spanned 180 degrees and I smashed into the barrier. And I don't actually remember spinning. I just remember sitting in the car thinking, right, I've been hit because I saw it coming. I tried to move out of the way as much as I could, but obviously I was stuck in traffic. So I wasn't driving at any sort of speed. I was pretty much stationary. And yeah, when I was trying to get out the car, I smelled like I smelt burning. So I now realize that that was the airbag. So two airbags went off, which caused the burning smell. And the bonnet was steaming, which I thought was smoke. I now know it was the radiator. But I thought I was gonna, like. I thought the car was gonna blow up or like, burn. When I was in the car, I, like popped the seatbelt off. I was trying to, like, get out of the car, but it was so buckled, like the door was blocked, so I had to ram it open. My shoulder. Yeah, it was quite. It was quite a frightening experience, basically. Again, I'm. I'm trying to be really conscious. I don't. I don't want to trigger anybody, but basically the reason why it was. So, by the way, I was very fortunate. I had like a few bumps and bruises, aches and pains. No serious injuries. God had my back, you know, But I literally had intrusive thoughts of I'm going to be involved in a car crash a couple of days leading up to the crash, which I know is not linked. I know that, but it was just. It was horrible. It's horrible when your intrusive thought then happens and it's not linked at all. I know that, but my intrusive thought was, I'm gonna be involved in a car crash, or I want to be involved in a car crash because I want sympathy from people, which of course is ridiculous. I remember driving on the motorway because I do a lot of motorway driving. I was Thinking, dude, what are you on about? Like, be quiet. Obviously you don't want that to happen. And then it happened. And it's just been. It's been a difficult period to try and, like, get over that.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

So again, I tried to use writing to help with that. So I'm working on something at the minute. So I'm trying to raise awareness of. Of collisions. So I'll give you. I'll give you one half of it. So I'm writing from one perspective, which is the perspective that didn't happen. But your mind goes over and over, like, but what if this one did happen? Then the second verse, which I won't share. Now, the second verse is about what actually did happen. So this is quite hard hitting, I think. But again, I just thought I'd share it. It's something new that I'm working on. It's not fully done yet. Yeah, quite interesting. And it goes like this. Lately my mind's been swerving down the dark roads I find I'm turning Doing poetry full time I'm blessed, I'm earning But I can't help feel undeserving I make the same mistakes I'm a burden, I need a break I can't escape I'm hurting, I feel so deep. All this discernment as I head to meet Di About a poem of worship I try to steer straight but my mind's off the path All I can think about is being in a crash like I'm fantasizing. You want the sympathy, huh? Shut up, OCD. I slammed my palm on the D.A. take a turn to the M4 my head saw from all the abusive taunts intrusive thoughts. Why do you think I listen to NF&M4 like a messed up Rubik's? I'm out of sorts Do I deserve punishment? I should be grateful I love my life but the weight of shame, it's shameful I know nobody can see behind my eyes but it's painful. Maybe a crash is all I need.

Stuart Ralph

No.

Duke L

Shut up, ocd. I hope I have a guardian angel. Hazard lights ahead. The car was slow and fast from the rear view There was loads of room behind me they should see the flash. They approach as if the hazard's light is dark but the lights are on full blast. Hit the brakes. You're gonna hit me. Smash. It all happened so fast. The crumpling, crunching of a clash collision straight to the back breaking the chassis. Violent metal chewed boot removed back seats on the dash, no calculations needed. The speed he hit was A fatal impact was the driver on his phone, asleep, drunk. Well, he is in dead shock. A life that will never get to sleep again. The end of the living clock. The price of waiting in rush hour on the motorway at a dead stop. A collision you could have written, but this story is yet to be written off. That's like one of the first verses. Yeah, basically. Basically from that I'm trying to spin that experience into a positive by. I want to. I want to raise awareness of like. Yeah. Of collisions on the motorway because there's far more cars on the road these days.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah.

Duke L

People don't seem to pay attention. People seem to get in their cars and think, the most entitled person on the road. Slash, the best driver on the road. I see it all the time. I drive a lot. And then obviously this happened to me. So I'm trying my best to use. I guess the reason why I'm sharing it is because, yes, that was really horrible for me. On top of that, the OCD was very horrible for me. But I'm trying, it's still a good lesson to take something that's really challenging and try and flip it into a positive.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. And there you're talking about, obviously you had the intrusive thoughts a few days before and then the crash. And obviously OCD magical thinking go, I caused that to happen. Or it was a premonition or whatever.

Duke L

100%.

Stuart Ralph

But actually you were just having intrusive thoughts about car crashes, which isn't uncommon, and then people getting car crashes, you know.

Duke L

Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Ralph

If I have intrusive thoughts about falling down the stairs, there's a chance I could fall down the stairs and my brain will go, oh, that's because of the ocd. No, it's just because sometimes people fall downstairs. Hopefully I don't fall downstairs. But, you know, this is an example. The OCD will read into those sort of things. But see, that's proof. It's like. No, not necessarily.

Duke L

Yeah, 100%. I know you love a haikyuu shoe. Did you want to share?

Stuart Ralph

Nah, you can share one of yours. I'm not the poet, I'm a podcaster.

Duke L

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll end with a haiku.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, cool.

Duke L

About worry.

Stuart Ralph

Nice.

Duke L

So a haiku is a 3 line poem, 5 syllables, 7 syllables. 5 syllables, 17 syllables in total. Why does my worry never worry about me? I'm overthinking.

Stuart Ralph

I like it.

Duke L

That sometimes helps me stop worrying. Yeah.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, that's it. And yeah, we talked a bit about haikus. I sometimes write them and we were Saying they're a great way of people that aren't experienced it. Poetry. To write poetry. Because that's why I like it. That framework of 5, 7. 5.

Duke L

Yeah. You can say. Say something really, you know, really powerful in just three. Three lines.

Stuart Ralph

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well, look, thank you so much for. For sharing your poetry with us. The background behind them and being vulnerable and open with more of your story is really great to hear it.

Duke L

Yeah, no worries at all. I'm just gonna probably end this podcast and think, man, I should have read this phone. I should have read this poem. I'm joking. It's been great. Thanks so much for having me on. It's a privilege. I really appreciate it. And congratulations. Was it 10 years, Jim, or five?

Stuart Ralph

Yeah. Been more than 10 now.

Duke L

Yeah, more than 10. Amazing. Yeah, you're doing some great stuff. So always a pleasure, man.

Stuart Ralph

Thank you for listening to this week's podcast and thank you to our patrons who helped make this episode possible. And if you would like to find out more about Patreon and the rewards and benefits, then there will be a link in the episode description. If you enjoy the OCD Stories podcast and would like to support us, please subscribe and rate the show wherever you listen to the podcast. And thank you to NOCD for supporting our work. If you want to find out more about nocd, you can click the link in the episode description. And quick disclaimer. Guys, this podcast is not therapy. It is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained professional. And until we speak, take care.